Midwestmissy Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 What is black and white in this situation is that you made vows, promises and commitments to your husband and now you are lying about them. Period. You have thrown in all the grey areas to lighten your guilt. Yeah, I cheat, but he did this and this and this.... it's just justification. This isn't a fair fight. The best thing to do is ask your bh, flawed as he is, how he feels about you having this other relationship. Bring him into the discussion as opposed to a group of strangers. Until his input is considered, this is super black and white. You alone are making decisions for your marriage. And not great ones, because they're about you only. You don't want his opinion, not because he did this to you and that to you, but because you know how he'd feel and then.... consequences out of your control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 What is black and white in this situation is that you made vows, promises and commitments to your husband and now you are lying about them. Period. You have thrown in all the grey areas to lighten your guilt. Yeah, I cheat, but he did this and this and this.... it's just justification. This isn't a fair fight. The best thing to do is ask your bh, flawed as he is, how he feels about you having this other relationship. Bring him into the discussion as opposed to a group of strangers. Until his input is considered, this is super black and white. You alone are making decisions for your marriage. And not great ones, because they're about you only. You don't want his opinion, not because he did this to you and that to you, but because you know how he'd feel and then.... consequences out of your control. I've never once blamed him for it. At all. I did say why we were going to counselling I didn't say anything is his fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 They have always been fine with the friendship but naturally as we got older and had kids he was more around my husband and me with his wife instead. It changed. We do not spend much time alone anymore only twice this year that were legitimate and not hidden. So I feel could end it easier now. They would never have been ok with how close we got. I know that of course. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 To answer your question, yes, you can and should end it. No, you cannot be friends. Yes you should tell your husband (though I'm sure you won't). Ok? There's your answer. So when are you dumping him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 We haven't talked since that conversation a few days ago. We ran into him yesterday but only they talked I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Too much contradiction, you've been in this affair your entire marriage yet you think because your husband doesn't know you're a great wife. You don't get it, likely never will. To your question, again I say no you can't and won't stop. Mainly because you don't really think you are doing anything wrong.... something is broken in you that you can't feel it's wrong. No matter what you write that's the bottom line you do not believe what you're doing is wrong. Because of that you've convinced yourself that this hasn't created issues with your family. So tell us where do you take time to spend with this guy? Yep time from your family. This connection hinders your bond with your husband so you can never be there fully emotionally. To selfish to see so no you won't stop, but at some point you will be caught. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 They have always been fine with the friendship but naturally as we got older and had kids he was more around my husband and me with his wife instead. It changed. We do not spend much time alone anymore only twice this year that were legitimate and not hidden. So I feel could end it easier now. They would never have been ok with how close we got. I know that of course. Who's ok with the friendship? Your betrayed husband and his betrayed wife? Why wouldn't they be? They don't know that you two are banging. They trust you both not to do what you're doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 I just can't get over how it's somehow the worst sin. If it really isn't that big a deal, then you should have no problem giving your husband the truth about your marriage right? Your situation is worse than the average affair because it is a double betrayal. Your BH is being betrayed by his wife and a so called friend. The poor guy has no idea what he is up against. With friends like that, who needs enemies? I wouldn't call it the worst sin, but it is bad. You have stolen 5+ years of your BH's life that you can never give back. That's the tragedy of this situation. From your BH's perspective when he finds out, his entire marriage will have been a sham. How do you think that will make him feel? Seriously try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine he had been sleeping with a friend of yours for 5+ years. How would you react? Tell me then that it wouldn't be such a big deal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 missme, when I first started posting (I'm a SOW or was) I got roasted. I thought I knew more. My A was different. It took awhile before I realized the advice I was given was pretty dead on. In most As the small details are different. We think we are different. But the core of the A, the fundamental base of it is the same. And the majority of the posters have seen them come and go a million times. They can quote from the cheater handbook. It took even longer for me to take the advice I was given. Because the desire to end it was not there. But if you think you can end it, without confession. Go for it. Focus your mind. Decide what is important to you. Then make your actions back them up. You are going to have to put the friendship on ice though. With him to avoid temptation. (there is a reason there is no ice cream in my freezer) With her because you owe her that tiny kindness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BenchCoach Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 As someone else just pointed out- "you just don't get it... probably never will." It's like talking to a brick wall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 This isn't even slightly true.... "The sexual side was the worst part of it and I understand that." ....It's the lies & betrayal. It's the emotional stuff that's a killer. My brother was (sort of) in a similar position to your husband & he took his own life. I do mean "killer". Until you've been there it's incredibly hard to truly understand the depths of devastation, on SO MANY levels, that the BS goes through. Even a pretty compassionate, empathic person finds it hard to get...even if they're a WS & witness it. You are NOT one of those people! I'm not sure if you've intentionally stunted your own emotional growth in these areas so you could continue your actions or not.... You're not emotionally mature so I don't see you confessing. Is your OM different? Normal people find secrets of this magnitude very hard to take to the grave. It changes who you fundamentally are as a human being & the depth of connection you have with others. Secrets fester & eat away at most people. Anyway, you don't want to stop... If it ended completely, right now, how could you & your OM's BS's discover the truth? Do you have letters, emails, gifts etc saved? Does your OM? If your H looked back on your phone records or used an app. to retrieve messages would your secret be revealed? Once they're suspicious they could come to forums like this & be advised on how to catch you. Will you be caught? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 (edited) Sorry, but from your posts, you are indeed looking for vindication and support. That is why every time you admit to any failings, you immediately attempt to excuse or justify them. or attempt to deflect criticism. An example: you admit that having sex with the OM is wrong, but really you are a very good person and a great wife. You have no concept of selfless behavior or humility. I guess I will go elsewhere. Edited November 5, 2016 by JustJoe 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 I really do not have feelings on whether or not you choose to respond to me here or not. I do not feel affected by that. This has been very difficult for me and the longest we have went without talking in the last couple years. I am in a really weird position that I know exactly what's going on in his house as well. If you wonder if you're mm misses you your answer is yes. I guess every relationship is different. He has been unable to sleep and eat she is forced him to go to the doctor thinking something is wrong and wants him to start taking antidepressants. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, I almost feel numb about it sometimes and other times I go have a shower so I can cry. Miss him like crazy right now but I do know it's the right thing . It hasn't even been a week . Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 Have you gone completely no contact? And it's been nearly a week? If so well done to you! I think you are getting a hard time on here - this is the other woman/ man forum- we have all screwed up and we know it but this forum is meant to be for support and moving forward!!! So I want to say keep strong - can feel your pain - I feel it too Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 We have mutual friends so have seen each other once now since we agreed to stop. We have not talked alone and barely did when we saw each other either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 Too much contradiction, you've been in this affair your entire marriage yet you think because your husband doesn't know you're a great wife. You don't get it, likely never will. To your question, again I say no you can't and won't stop. Mainly because you don't really think you are doing anything wrong.... something is broken in you that you can't feel it's wrong. No matter what you write that's the bottom line you do not believe what you're doing is wrong. Because of that you've convinced yourself that this hasn't created issues with your family. So tell us where do you take time to spend with this guy? Yep time from your family. This connection hinders your bond with your husband so you can never be there fully emotionally. To selfish to see so no you won't stop, but at some point you will be caught. No I won't be caught unless it was in the act that was unlikely to happen. We didn't keep anything that could be found. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 I'm looking for insight and company I suppose. I have no issue with what's been said but I've been pretty clear that I'm not going to be disclosing anything to anyone. So too keep saying isn't achieving anything. My husband has his own issues, I have mine. It's not as if I spent more time in an affair than being a wife or mother. My main focus has always been to see them smiling and they are. We are going to counselling to learn parenting skills and deal with past issues my husband asked for support on. Get over it. People are not just good or bad. It is not black and white. There are definitely shades of gray. And for someone to say nurturing an emotional connection in secret is worse than anything else is ridiculous. You can't compare anything by knowing 3 percent of a story. The sexual side was the worst part of it and I understand that. I have been nothing open here, admitted I would be ending it so not to get caught. I know that's going to get judgment but it's still the truth. Does it even matter to you why I would want to end it. I'm not at risk to do it again with someone else. Only this one person. That's bad enough but I've never said otherwise. I just can't get over how it's somehow the worst sin. The sexual part is not the worst part at all. The lies and the betrayal are. You're not the loving wife and mother you think you are. You don't do that to people you love. It's not that it's the worst sin. It's that you don't even remotely seem to think it's a sin at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 The sexual part is not the worst part at all. The lies and the betrayal are. You're not the loving wife and mother you think you are. You don't do that to people you love. It's not that it's the worst sin. It's that you don't even remotely seem to think it's a sin at all. I do know it's horrible. I do know. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 I do know it's horrible. I do know. SO then what are you doing??? Do the good thing. The right thing 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 (edited) Sorry - reply ended up on the wrong thread! Deleted. Edited November 7, 2016 by jenkins95 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 I realize what you are feeling and missing is overwhelming right now...my husband also felt that while in his affair, all those feelings made sense to him and his reasons for being there....It all seemed more important to him. And that is what thinking that and feeling that for someone else is, making that person more important than the spouse your children, they will all view it that way, your thinking about your OM will not be what your kids are thinking, or what your husband will think, the length of this kind of betrayal and choosing someone else over their father, over them......will not make sense to them.....I am telling you you will get caught sooner or later, then what, what are you going to tell them. They will not see it your way at all......this is the part my husband seemed to be stunned by at the revealing of his affair, no one thought his way, everyone thought he was the a-hole....the kids disowned him..... It will not go as you think it would there is nothing you can say or do to right this wrong to them. Your life will blow up in your family, in your community...everything will be over as you know it... You are doing this on purpose and that is so sad, all you think and care about is you and your OM it is a huge shame.... your OM's marriage is wrong because your in his life, that is wrong ....you could have stopped that but you let it happen because some how your more important . why don't you just break up two families and leave and be happy in your affair world.....that way you won't have to hurt and do without, you will have who you worry and pine for. the rest is just noise in the background for you, I don't see you worrying about what would happen to their lives because of your affair life, there are so many angles here that would devastate your own husband and kids, the marriage , best friends.....kids.....it is a huge web of destruction that will destroy any chance of any of them ever trusting anyone ever again...... You can't stay in contact any longer, your husband kids deserve the truth so they can decide if your worth having in their lives......you owe that to them at least... Maybe they deserve to decide if you are worth having in their lives not you......after they know the truth....... It's not up to you is it..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 No I won't be caught unless it was in the act that was unlikely to happen. We didn't keep anything that could be found. I remember reading a funny comment here, were someone told a MW like yourself, unless to can teleport and land on his penis someone you know knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 I realize what you are feeling and missing is overwhelming right now...my husband also felt that while in his affair, all those feelings made sense to him and his reasons for being there....It all seemed more important to him. And that is what thinking that and feeling that for someone else is, making that person more important than the spouse your children, they will all view it that way, your thinking about your OM will not be what your kids are thinking, or what your husband will think, the length of this kind of betrayal and choosing someone else over their father, over them......will not make sense to them.....I am telling you you will get caught sooner or later, then what, what are you going to tell them. They will not see it your way at all......this is the part my husband seemed to be stunned by at the revealing of his affair, no one thought his way, everyone thought he was the a-hole....the kids disowned him..... It will not go as you think it would there is nothing you can say or do to right this wrong to them. Your life will blow up in your family, in your community...everything will be over as you know it... You are doing this on purpose and that is so sad, all you think and care about is you and your OM it is a huge shame.... your OM's marriage is wrong because your in his life, that is wrong ....you could have stopped that but you let it happen because some how your more important . why don't you just break up two families and leave and be happy in your affair world.....that way you won't have to hurt and do without, you will have who you worry and pine for. the rest is just noise in the background for you, I don't see you worrying about what would happen to their lives because of your affair life, there are so many angles here that would devastate your own husband and kids, the marriage , best friends.....kids.....it is a huge web of destruction that will destroy any chance of any of them ever trusting anyone ever again...... You can't stay in contact any longer, your husband kids deserve the truth so they can decide if your worth having in their lives......you owe that to them at least... Maybe they deserve to decide if you are worth having in their lives not you......after they know the truth....... It's not up to you is it..... Well I disagree. I worry about my kids and my husband a lot which is the the reason I'm trying to end this. I haven't posted much about them here because this is a support forum for other women ,meaning I'm likely to talk about things I experienced as a mistress. I have noticed a common thing here is posters will try to convince a woman that the mans not thinking about her at all, if that doesn't work or if she doesn't care they start posting about how she should break up the affair and end it, if she's already ended it or is trying to discuss that they will then throw out 1 million things about how you're going to get caught anyway. My kids are incredibly well rounded happy healthy individuals. They are where my focus is day to day. My husband is happy and successful. Somebody else posted on here about how perception is reality. Their perception is that we have a very good life. We do. I've made mistakes but I am trying to correct them Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmetomorrow Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 I remember reading a funny comment here, were someone told a MW like yourself, unless to can teleport and land on his penis someone you know knows. We never met anywhere that we wouldn't have had good reason to. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Ask the wandering spouses who post in the infidelity section if they ever thought they would get caught, and I would bet you every one of them will tell you no. If your BH is happy, it is only because he is living in make believe land. Perception may be reality, but perceptions can change in the blink of an eye when the truth us introduced. When your BH finds out, he will look back on your entire marriage as a sham. That holds true even if you end the A today and your BH finds out 5, 10, 20 years from now. This is what's truly sad about your situation. Your BH has nothing to hold onto... by that I mean he can't even say to himself "at least for x amount of months or years, my marriage was real, I had her to myself and we built good memories I can lean on to help me cope", and that just makes me sad for both of you. I would advise against thinking your actions were mistakes, because to be honest, they weren't mistake. Your affair has been a series of conscious decisions you have made and you will have to own that at some point. You can't correct those decisions using the same tools you used to make them. Those tools are deception, disrespect and disregard for anyone else but yourself. Until you get rid of them, you are just spinning your wheels. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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