Friends

[ChickiePops]

I do know it's horrible. I do know.

 

It really, really, really is.

 

So what are you doing to fix it?

[BenchCoach]

"I've made mistakes but I am trying to correct them"

 

A mistake is spooning salt instead of sugar into your coffee... a mistake is filling your car up with diesel instead of regular gasoline. You've been knee-deep in an affair for 5 years now, these are conscious decisions on your part- not just a MISTAKE.

 

Obviously, you haven't grasped the severity of your betrayal.

[missmetomorrow]

Ask the wandering spouses who post in the infidelity section if they ever thought they would get caught, and I would bet you every one of them will tell you no.

 

If your BH is happy, it is only because he is living in make believe land. Perception may be reality, but perceptions can change in the blink of an eye when the truth us introduced. When your BH finds out, he will look back on your entire marriage as a sham. That holds true even if you end the A today and your BH finds out 5, 10, 20 years from now. This is what's truly sad about your situation. Your BH has nothing to hold onto... by that I mean he can't even say to himself "at least for x amount of months or years, my marriage was real, I had her to myself and we built good memories I can lean on to help me cope", and that just makes me sad for both of you.

 

I would advise against thinking your actions were mistakes, because to be honest, they weren't mistake. Your affair has been a series of conscious decisions you have made and you will have to own that at some point. You can't correct those decisions using the same tools you used to make them. Those tools are deception, disrespect and disregard for anyone else but yourself. Until you get rid of them, you are just spinning your wheels. Good luck.[/quote

 

He's happy because we have a pretty solid life, we're friends, have a good sec lifs, we have fun, our kids are good, we travel, laugh and enjoy lots together. His perception is that we have a good life and we do have a good life.

That is not negating that this has happened that's not me saying that this is fine and that if he knew about this everything would just be dandy. I'm very well aware if this came out it would change things very much but that doesn't mean the other stuff isn't real too.

Anyone who speaks only in just black and white doesn't get my attention for long. Seems incredibly closed minded. People are not one sided.

 

I've never claimed that we're not going to get caught , I said if we were to get caught it would likely be in the act, because there's absolutely no evidence of anything bad, no reason that we should've avoided each other at any point. We actually have many activities that we do together with spouses or alone all the time .. his vehicles at my house or mines at his house that wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. That being said we did not use very many of those times for anything inappropriate either. Definitely not all of them.

 

I can let it go.

It was mostly emotional. I can let it go. Is it sad that it'll be a secret forever yes but I would never out it.

[missmetomorrow]

100 percent my fault. What else is there to say? I will not be disclosing anything to anyone, at any point.

So to keep repeating that feeling a little like harassment.

 

I plan to emotional disconnect from the other man ahd focus on my kids and family and just remain appearances and friendships but not be alone with him.

[JustJoe]

I wasn't going to post, but your post is naive and foolish. You really have no idea how affairs get found out , do you? Good Luck trying to keep this a secret....and good luck trying to avoid all of the consequences. .....It won't happen.

I was the OM in an affair, and her husband found out because somebody who I DID NOT KNOW, but who knew me by sight (the person saw both of us at a political function) but not personally, told somebody, who told the husband. My AP was in my truck, and I was pumping gas. That is how simple it is. Believe me, there are people who know...and they only lack the opportunity to tell. They don't even have to know you personally. It may be somebody who knows you by sight, or somebody who knows your AP, or somebody who knows your H or somebody who knows his W. The worst mistake you can make is to believe that it is completely secret. Remember the old saying" 3 people can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead". This is a word to the wise. You would do well to remember it. Now I'll go. Bye.

[malvern99]

He's happy because we have a pretty solid life, we're friends, have a good sec lifs, we have fun, our kids are good, we travel, laugh and enjoy lots together. His perception is that we have a good life and we do have a good life.

 

There's one easy way to test your theory that everything is hunky dory, and that you have a solid life, and that you and your BH are "friends" etc etc. Give your BH the gift of truth, and then you will find out where you really stand. You see, your poor BH is dealing with a situation where he has incomplete information, so any judgement he makes on his current situation is nothing more than fantasy. That will remain true until he has the truth, because all those fun fun times you talk about are tainted by the truth of your situation. It's all fake.

 

That is not negating that this has happened that's not me saying that this is fine and that if he knew about this everything would just be dandy. I'm very well aware if this came out it would change things very much but that doesn't mean the other stuff isn't real too.

 

That's precisely my point. Nothing is real because your BH is dealing with make believe.

 

Anyone who speaks only in just black and white doesn't get my attention for long. Seems incredibly closed minded. People are not one sided.

 

There is no grey area in regards to infidelity. You can try your best to find it and hide behind it, but ultimately, in your heart of hearts, you know it doesn't exist. Part of dealing with infidelity as the WS is your willingness to face up to what you have done, and resisting the urge to lie to yourself about the damage you have caused and the severity of what has unfolded. I hope you get there one day. No one is seeking your attention. Anyone who takes time out their lives to respond to you is doing so to help you, not to get your attention like it is some prize or something.

 

I've never claimed that we're not going to get caught , I said if we were to get caught it would likely be in the act, because there's absolutely no evidence of anything bad, no reason that we should've avoided each other at any point. We actually have many activities that we do together with spouses or alone all the time .. his vehicles at my house or mines at his house that wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. That being said we did not use very many of those times for anything inappropriate either. Definitely not all of them.

 

I've read that no evidence line a thousand times. It always makes me chuckle. How do you know your AP will never have a moment of clarity where he comes clean to his wife? Or that he will not let your secret slip in a moment of anger? Or that one day he won't get angry enough at you to blow your situation up? Or lonely enough if he divorces his wife and you stay with your "husband"? You literally have no idea what can happen. You are consigning yourself to live under the proverbial sword of Damocles. If that is the life you want to live then so be it. It's completely your call. It's just too bad that when it blows up, it will take so many innocent people down with it.

 

I can let it go.

It was mostly emotional. I can let it go. Is it sad that it'll be a secret forever yes but I would never out it.

 

Good luck letting it go and living a life wondering if the shoe will ever drop.

Edited November 8, 2016 by malvern99

[BuddyX]

From another LS post

 

"Anyone who believes that they're having a 'secret' workplace affair with a MM is very, very naive! Even when you always sneak out different doors & meet around the corner, EVERYONE knows & YES! they're appalled or laughing at you. Neither is good for your career!!"