Why does NC have to be so extreme and feel bitter?

[Midlifecrisis1]

I am a MW and had an affair with a mm who lives in my town and our kids go to school together etc. the affair ended 3 months ago, his decision ultimately, no d-day. He just couldn't take the stress and anxiety and it was affecting how he treated his family and he was neglecting his business. Anyway, it ended. We saw each other once at the soccer field and talked and said comforting things to each other but I could feel his pure resolve and determination to make sure things are over. Ok.

 

But when he sees me somewhere, he doesn't even acknowledge. If his car is behind mine on the way to school, he will pull over to put distance or another car between us. Why does it have to be as if we don't even know each other? As if he is bitter. He was the one who was so out of this world in love with me.

 

I see that it's the same way for many people on this site...no contact means no contact at all ever. I just don't get why? Don't you ever have any contact with people you have dated in your past? Wouldn't you say hi to them if you saw them on the street? He was the one who needed to end things, he should be a bit kinder towards me.

 

Someone please explain.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am a MW and had an affair with a mm who lives in my town and our kids go to school together etc. the affair ended 3 months ago, his decision ultimately, no d-day. He just couldn't take the stress and anxiety and it was affecting how he treated his family and he was neglecting his business. Anyway, it ended. We saw each other once at the soccer field and talked and said comforting things to each other but I could feel his pure resolve and determination to make sure things are over. Ok.

 

But when he sees me somewhere, he doesn't even acknowledge. If his car is behind mine on the way to school, he will pull over to put distance or another car between us. Why does it have to be as if we don't even know each other? As if he is bitter. He was the one who was so out of this world in love with me.

 

I see that it's the same way for many people on this site...no contact means no contact at all ever. I just don't get why? Don't you ever have any contact with people you have dated in your past? Wouldn't you say hi to them if you saw them on the street? He was the one who needed to end things, he should be a bit kinder towards me.

 

Someone please explain.

 

It sounds like he is trying to get his life back on track and is doing the right thing. Affairs are a different beast then 'normal' relationships. They are addictions and extremely unhealthy. Would you leave a meth addict alone in a room full of meth and think he will be just fine? - no. Maybe a bit extreme but in some cases VERY similar when it comes to affairs.

 

Trust me on this all it takes is one LOOK, one SMILE, one head nod, and the door to the affair can be reopened like that. I walked by my MM's office and cleared my throat to go in but changed my mind and walked off- one week later we were back in the affair.

 

NC = love for everyone. And most of the time this means going to extreme measures to stay away from the other person. Moving, changing jobs, putting cars between you, deleting from social media.. It isn't meant to be mean it usually means- hey i am addicted to you and i am going to break free from that addiction and move forward with my life.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am a MW and had an affair with a mm who lives in my town and our kids go to school together etc. the affair ended 3 months ago, his decision ultimately, no d-day. He just couldn't take the stress and anxiety and it was affecting how he treated his family and he was neglecting his business. Anyway, it ended. We saw each other once at the soccer field and talked and said comforting things to each other but I could feel his pure resolve and determination to make sure things are over. Ok.

 

But when he sees me somewhere, he doesn't even acknowledge. If his car is behind mine on the way to school, he will pull over to put distance or another car between us. Why does it have to be as if we don't even know each other? As if he is bitter. He was the one who was so out of this world in love with me.

 

I see that it's the same way for many people on this site...no contact means no contact at all ever. I just don't get why? Don't you ever have any contact with people you have dated in your past? Wouldn't you say hi to them if you saw them on the street? He was the one who needed to end things, he should be a bit kinder towards me.

 

Someone please explain.

 

Also, no he shouldn't, his 'kindness' is actually the meanest thing he could do in this case.

[DKT3]

He cares about no being found out, he is protecting his marriage. As a married mother you should fully understand his desire in that area. He is choosing his family, I'm sure it's not his intent to be cruel but he is doing what he needs to do.

[Forever broken]

I am a MW and had an affair with a mm who lives in my town and our kids go to school together etc. the affair ended 3 months ago, his decision ultimately, no d-day. He just couldn't take the stress and anxiety and it was affecting how he treated his family and he was neglecting his business. Anyway, it ended. We saw each other once at the soccer field and talked and said comforting things to each other but I could feel his pure resolve and determination to make sure things are over. Ok.

 

But when he sees me somewhere, he doesn't even acknowledge. If his car is behind mine on the way to school, he will pull over to put distance or another car between us. Why does it have to be as if we don't even know each other? As if he is bitter. He was the one who was so out of this world in love with me.

 

I see that it's the same way for many people on this site...no contact means no contact at all ever. I just don't get why? Don't you ever have any contact with people you have dated in your past? Wouldn't you say hi to them if you saw them on the street? He was the one who needed to end things, he should be a bit kinder towards me.

 

Someone please explain.

 

 

Unfortunately, no contact is the only sure way to prevent the affair from continuing. It does hurt and sometimes you wonder if it is the same person you were with. You become strangers. (Strangers who have seen each other naked in the past). It will get easier someday for you.

 

However, looks like he wants to do the right thing and work on his marriage, let him. He will end up treating you worse and resenting you if the wife find out. All the best.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Forever broken
An extra thought

[Cephalopod]

Deleted. What's the point?

[Grey Cloud]

He is trying to get over you and move on. I was like this to my xMM in the last month we worked together. He accused me of being cold and why couldn't we be friends. But the thought of being friends at that stage was too painful. I just wanted to get him out of my head and my thoughts. I wanted to feel normal again. Your xMM is just trying to be strict on himself. He probably realises it doesn't take much to lapse again and he doesn't want anymore stress or anxiety.

 

I do think he will be back though. With no d day in a few months he will be feeling back to normal and then I think he will engage again. That's what you need to be prepared for.

[Midlifecrisis1]

He is trying to get over you and move on. I was like this to my xMM in the last month we worked together. He accused me of being cold and why couldn't we be friends. But the thought of being friends at that stage was too painful. I just wanted to get him out of my head and my thoughts. I wanted to feel normal again. Your xMM is just trying to be strict on himself. He probably realises it doesn't take much to lapse again and he doesn't want anymore stress or anxiety.

 

I do think he will be back though. With no d day in a few months he will be feeling back to normal and then I think he will engage again. That's what you need to be prepared for.

 

I don't think he will be back. He hated being a cheater. Felt like he must be such a bad person. Really just wants a peaceful family life. And he is stronger than I first thought.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I don't think he will be back. He hated being a cheater. Felt like he must be such a bad person. Really just wants a peaceful family life. And he is stronger than I first thought.

 

They typically do come back.. It is just the way of it.

[aileD]

Why?

 

Because its a show of respect and solidarity to their spouse whom they are trying to reconcile with.

 

It's not really about the OW/OM. No matter how amazing the affair felt, OW/M are the third party that shouldn't have ever been a part of that marriage.

 

When the decision is made to save the marriage, those are the only two people that matter. MM/W has to put his wife and her feelings and what is best for the marriage above everything else--even another persons feelings. OW/M is now a threat to reconciliation and must be avoided.

 

It is harsh and hurtful and that sucks. Nothing about an affair is good. The Pailin the OW/M feels being ignored and dropped like a hot potato....is comparable to the pain a BS goes through.

 

Affairs are pain. But in the end, if the marriage is to survive, the husband and wife must put each other and the marriage first and most times that means NC. If you are unluckily forced to keep seeing the Mm/W due to work or whatever, unfortunate you are going to have to deal with the indifference .

[sandylee1]

I don't think he will be back. He hated being a cheater. Felt like he must be such a bad person. Really just wants a peaceful family life. And he is stronger than I first thought.

 

He actually sounds like one of the few who made a mistake and realises it.

 

He got caught up in the fantasy and because sneaking around and telling lies and betraying his wife isn't what he is comfortable with, stopping and complete NC is the only way to eradicate you from his mind. He has to do that to get back on track with his life.

 

Knowing that you would jump back in the affair if he clicked means he has to put that distance between you. He doesn't want to be tempted and get back into it.

 

Although the double life and deception involved with affairs comes naturally to some people, it's just not that easy for everyone.

[Grey Cloud]

I don't think he will be back. He hated being a cheater. Felt like he must be such a bad person. Really just wants a peaceful family life. And he is stronger than I first thought.

 

I thought mine would never come back. I could have written this same post months ago. But to my surprise he did come back. He wanted a peaceful family life too. But sometimes when that is achieved the temptation for something extra can still be there even if it creates internal conflict.

[Poppy47]

I think he is trying to move on and finding it difficult. He is not being mean to you. He is trying to put his life together again.

 

Having an affair is not just "dating" somebody.

 

Be kind to him and understand that he is probably having a hard time too.

 

Poppy.

[heartwhole]

Don't you ever have any contact with people you have dated in your past? Wouldn't you say hi to them if you saw them on the street?

 

The difference is that regular dating relationships are outwardly acknowledged. They do not depend upon secrecy. They also end out in the open, and both partners understand that the relationship is at an impasse and are excited or at least ready to move on to other things.

 

Your relationship is more like one in which only one person wanted to break up, and the person who was dumped is trying to get the other partner back any way she can. So does he feel awkward? Is he anxious not to give any wrong signals? I'm guessing yes.

 

It takes time to get over a relationship and to reinvest in one's marriage. Perhaps he's cognizant of this and avoiding you to make sure he sticks with his plan. Perhaps he's just a conflict-avoider and feels awkward. Perhaps he's afraid you'll out him. It's hard to say. But the point is that your relationship actually was not just like any old dating relationship and therefore must be ended differently as well.

Edited October 28, 2016 by heartwhole

[ChickiePops]

I don't think he will be back. He hated being a cheater. Felt like he must be such a bad person. Really just wants a peaceful family life. And he is stronger than I first thought.

 

The real question you should be asking is - why don't YOU feel bad?

[OneLov]

Honestly, he is doing you a favor. He is giving you the ability to find closure. You may not realize it now, but you will in time. I do not want to invalidate your pain but please believe me when I tell you that.

 

The only way he will die in your heart is when the hope dies. And he is doing everything he can to bludgeon it. It hurts like hell but you will get it over him MUCH MUCH MUCH faster. It is like ripping the Band-Aid off. The worst-case scenario would be him stringing you along for months with mixed signals or unanswered questions.

 

I realize still hurts very much. You have every right to grieve the situation; it's normal. Take as long as you need to mourn. I am sorry for your loss.

[Darren Steez]

Don't you ever have any contact with people you have dated in your past?

 

Interesting you see your affair as sort of just "dating".

[Cephalopod]

If I may, where does your husband factor in all of this? I'm just curious.

[ladydesigner]

He cares about no being found out, he is protecting his marriage. As a married mother you should fully understand his desire in that area. He is choosing his family, I'm sure it's not his intent to be cruel but he is doing what he needs to do.

 

^^^^^This^^^^^

[ladydesigner]

I think he is trying to move on and finding it difficult. He is not being mean to you. He is trying to put his life together again.

 

Having an affair is not just "dating" somebody.

 

Be kind to him and understand that he is probably having a hard time too.

 

Poppy.

 

I love this post and I think it is true. Both people involved in the A will struggle after it's ending if it meant anything. Breakups are hard.

[ladydesigner]

Honestly, he is doing you a favor. He is giving you the ability to find closure. You may not realize it now, but you will in time. I do not want to invalidate your pain but please believe me when I tell you that.

 

The only way he will die in your heart is when the hope dies. And he is doing everything he can to bludgeon it. It hurts like hell but you will get it over him MUCH MUCH MUCH faster. It is like ripping the Band-Aid off. The worst-case scenario would be him stringing you along for months with mixed signals or unanswered questions.

 

I realize still hurts very much. You have every right to grieve the situation; it's normal. Take as long as you need to mourn. I am sorry for your loss.

 

This is it. This is the answer it really is as much as it hurts to accept it. That is when I moved on from my xOM when the hope died. Same with my current situation with my M. The hope died.

[imsosad]

He is doing the right thing. He understands the potential destruction that restarting the affair holds. There is your difference. Typically, normal dating doesnt hold the potential to destroy multiple lives.

I saw my AP at a resteraunt once,turned my back on him.and got out of there the second I could. Avoided eye contact, didnt glance in his general direction.If it had been an old boyfriend,Id probably invite them to sit down,have a drink and catch up. This is no normal break up.

I sense you're struggling. You didn't disclose to your husband,right?

I didn't either,at first. Big mistake. No real chance of healing or reconcilliation. I know it's scary to.disclose but it's the only way to climb your way out of this mess.

Dont worrt about your xMM sticking to.NC. He is doing you a big favor.

How is your recovery going? That is the main important issue.

[Midlifecrisis1]

The real question you should be asking is - why don't YOU feel bad?

 

This is a great question and I don't know the answer. I am in therapy and wonder this myself. I think it's because I don't feel loved or appreciated by my husband and I'm not sure I can see us growing old together once the kids are out of the house. He isn't a bad guy in any way, so I should feel bad...and I'm sure I would feel like crap if he found out and was hurt. But I have been invisible to him...this affair was happening basically right under his nose...xMM would come sit with me in the bleachers at our kids baseball games when he was coaching with my husband! My husband knew that xMM and I texted and talked all the time. How could he not suspect...or maybe he just didn't care!

[DKT3]

This is a great question and I don't know the answer. I am in therapy and wonder this myself. I think it's because I don't feel loved or appreciated by my husband and I'm not sure I can see us growing old together once the kids are out of the house. He isn't a bad guy in any way, so I should feel bad...and I'm sure I would feel like crap if he found out and was hurt. But I have been invisible to him...this affair was happening basically right under his nose...xMM would come sit with me in the bleachers at our kids baseball games when he was coaching with my husband! My husband knew that xMM and I texted and talked all the time. How could he not suspect...or maybe he just didn't care!

Or maybe he trusts you would never do anything like this.

[DKT3]

This is a great question and I don't know the answer. I am in therapy and wonder this myself. I think it's because I don't feel loved or appreciated by my husband and I'm not sure I can see us growing old together once the kids are out of the house. He isn't a bad guy in any way, so I should feel bad...and I'm sure I would feel like crap if he found out and was hurt. But I have been invisible to him...this affair was happening basically right under his nose...xMM would come sit with me in the bleachers at our kids baseball games when he was coaching with my husband! My husband knew that xMM and I texted and talked all the time. How could he not suspect...or maybe he just didn't care!

 

This really goes beyond your relationship with your husband, your kids are also victims here, you carelessly tossed thier way of life and well being into the fire right along with that of your husband, you owe them more then that.