Facing Reality on the other side

[aileD]

He's keeping you as his back up plan in case the reconciliation doesn't work.

 

You weren't worth enough to him to be #1 in his life. You're the one to fall back on if his wife leaves again. You're the one that's ALMOST good enough but not quite as good as if he can fix his marriage.

 

And he IS trying to fix his marriage with things like romantic trips to Hawaii.

 

Do you really want to be someone's back up plan? Do you really want to be the one that waits around and hopes it doesn't work out with his first choice?

 

Don't let anyone tell you that you are an orange starburst. You are a PInK starburst!

 

Go find someone who will make you their FIRST choice!

[Onlyif]

You all are right and yes it's hard to think the last 4 years have all been lies. Yes I've been obsessed over this all week. I cry myself to sleep in the dark so no one sees. I'm full of deep sadness as though I've suffered a death. In my most obsessive moments I've spent hours digging through what little Facebook she has public. Looks like she just created it while on vacation the end of September. Not many pics and only one of him which was 30 years ago and posted on the even she created for their wedding day. So no other pics of him even on vacation to be found. I do see his oldest so got married this past June and has a baby. What an important event in someone's life. Before anyone says anything about my obsession snoping her FB it's only driving home and making me except that he truly does have a life, a wife, family and his life doesn't include me! Even to the point that he never shared such a special event as having a first grandchild or first born getting married. Things we would share even with our friends but they weren't shared with me for a reason. He wants to keep his life with her a secret just like me. One big secret lie! Yes it hurts like hell and I'm going to cry a lot more but I refuse to be a secret or live with lies any longer. I'm the kind of person when I catch you in a lie I'll make sure I bring all the undeniable evidence when I face you so you can't get out of it. FB has provided enough now it's about when and where it's dealt. I will always love him and will not hurt him or his family. This will be between he and I and the end. And of course all of you for supporting me when I needed to get my head and feelings straight. I'm going to need y'all to help keep me on track and through the hard lonely nights to come! Thank you all and I'll keep you posted. I'm still not ready to do the dead but it's coming soon as I'm emotional ready.

[sandylee1]

I think looking at his wife's FB page is normal in the circumstances. It's the same way BWs look at the OWs FB page. It's curiosity and then it becomes obsession. One BW said she did it to keep tabs on whether the OW was in a relationship. Thinking that would mean her marriage was safe.

 

He wants you in a seperate box to his real life and keeping his grandchild secret from you was part of that.

 

With so many lies you don't know the truth. They may never have split up to begin with.

She may have been working away in the beginning. She may have been looking after a sick relative.

 

He has lots of time to make up a story for you, but if he still insists that he isn't back with his wife in the marital sense, then you should insist on no longer being a secret.

 

If he can't do that anything else is trash talk.

[SeenNotHeard]

You all are right and yes it's hard to think the last 4 years have all been lies. Yes I've been obsessed over this all week. I cry myself to sleep in the dark so no one sees. I'm full of deep sadness as though I've suffered a death. In my most obsessive moments I've spent hours digging through what little Facebook she has public. Looks like she just created it while on vacation the end of September. Not many pics and only one of him which was 30 years ago and posted on the even she created for their wedding day. So no other pics of him even on vacation to be found. I do see his oldest so got married this past June and has a baby. What an important event in someone's life. Before anyone says anything about my obsession snoping her FB it's only driving home and making me except that he truly does have a life, a wife, family and his life doesn't include me! Even to the point that he never shared such a special event as having a first grandchild or first born getting married. Things we would share even with our friends but they weren't shared with me for a reason. He wants to keep his life with her a secret just like me. One big secret lie! Yes it hurts like hell and I'm going to cry a lot more but I refuse to be a secret or live with lies any longer. I'm the kind of person when I catch you in a lie I'll make sure I bring all the undeniable evidence when I face you so you can't get out of it. FB has provided enough now it's about when and where it's dealt. I will always love him and will not hurt him or his family. This will be between he and I and the end. And of course all of you for supporting me when I needed to get my head and feelings straight. I'm going to need y'all to help keep me on track and through the hard lonely nights to come! Thank you all and I'll keep you posted. I'm still not ready to do the dead but it's coming soon as I'm emotional ready.

 

OP, not sharing such important events in his personal life is quite telling and serves to reinforce your status in his world/life. The message is transparent. Does it hurt to your core? Absolutely. Use this additional knowledge as leverage to strengthen your resolve to conclude this chapter in your life.

[anika99]

Jem I plan to meet face to face to hear him but I have to wait until I've regained control of my emotions or I'll be a total wreck. Who am I kidding I'm going to lose it and cry like a baby right there in front of him but I have to hear him out or I'll always wonder what he was going to say. It has to be in my time and in the right place. Maybe parked somewhere so physical contact is not an option and somewhere non public enough so I don't make a scene with my crying mess of a self. My heart is aching and my tears keep breaking through as much as I'm trying to hide my pain from those around who have no idea what's going on. The opposition side of being the other woman. No one knew it was going on so how can they know your pain now.

 

Buddy I know your right and I've said to him many time if you want something bad enough you make it happen. I've never caught him in a lie before to me but now I have. The date on his wife's picture was the date on his text saying he couldn't see me because he was working. So if you lie about one thing changes are 99.99 % that there's been many more lies.

 

I know the reality and I'm not denying it but it's hard to end it when your in love. I know what I have to do but it's not going to be easy! I've never cheated while in a relationship and I believe in total honesty which I made clear from the start. I've never been with anyone who ever cheated before this and it never would have started had I known she was even considering coming back. It is what it is and I am going to have to deal with it no matter how much it hurts. I'm dreading this meeting and avoiding it right now because I know my emotions are out of control and I'm going to fall to peaces.

 

The problem so many women have is that they don't mean what they say and their actions don't back up their words. Actually cheating MM are the same in that they are all talk with no actions. You say you believe in total honesty and you made that clear from the start, but by agreeing to spend years being in a secret relationship with him your actions told him you are fine with dishonesty and secrecy. Words don't mean anything if they don't match your actions.

 

The same goes for your MM. Stop believing his shallow meaningless words. His actions say he isn't leaving home. Off course he will tell you some sad story about how he was somehow forced to go on that vacation. But who care? He is living a whole life outside of you and it's a life that you obviously know very little about. There is no reason to see him face to face again. He's only going to try to manipulate you into wasting more of your life on him.

[Forever broken]

Forever .. sounds like she already new about you. Are the two of you friends or no communication at all? His wife has no idea I exist and evidently thinks everything is good from here FB post her hubby which all is ladies know is a loving pet name or she would have said husband. There are no pics of them together except one of them when they got married which was enough to put a dagger through my heart. This is going to be hard. I've got to get strong before I meet him because I know all the excuse will come and I'll want to believe him. My guy feelings are usually right about people and I've never felt he was being dishonest until now and even now I keep hearing in my head it's not like I think and I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

 

 

She knew about me during discovery day. And no we are not friends and there is zero communication between us. Honestly we are neither friends nor enemies. We are strangers, total strangers. We are still working together.

[Minnie09]

I wonder how many bs actually know what's going on. Be it within a framework

of an open M or otherwise. I just can't wrap my head around it thinking that mm actually get away with having a long term a on the side. Esp if it's so intense and time consuming as a double life / 2nd relationship

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Forever .. sounds like she already new about you. Are the two of you friends or no communication at all? His wife has no idea I exist and evidently thinks everything is good from here FB post her hubby which all is ladies know is a loving pet name or she would have said husband. There are no pics of them together except one of them when they got married which was enough to put a dagger through my heart. This is going to be hard. I've got to get strong before I meet him because I know all the excuse will come and I'll want to believe him. My guy feelings are usually right about people and I've never felt he was being dishonest until now and even now I keep hearing in my head it's not like I think and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Then my right mind says it's been four years and nothing has changed. The fight between the heart and the brain goes on! I know what I have to do ... omg have to? No ones making you but yourself! You don't have to do anything! Just take what you can get it's better than nothing and you don't even have time for a real relationship anyways but you know it's wrong!. It wasn't supposed to be this way when this started! Omg I'm going in sane!

 

Wow, so sorry for you!!! Don't take what you can. What you are experiencing is normal. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm so sorry he was dishonest with you when wife moved back in. My guess is that they reconciled but he didn't want you to know so he could keep you on the side--so incredibly selfish! Don't be in a rush to meet up with him. Focus on you. Reality is going to be blurry for you for a bit. Get into IC and group counseling. I joined a group called Celebrate Recovery. It's a Christian group and they have weekly meetings across the country (it's free) so if that would work for you seriously consider it. The first night I went I just showed up with tears running down my face and I couldn't even talk. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal and process this. Try to get support from people who care, even if you are not comfortable telling them why. For example, see if people who love you will pick up some of the slack in your life when you feel so low you can barely breathe. Stay on LS! You will get a lot of support and perspective here that will help you recover more speedily!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Oh Sandy it's worse than that! The kids were NOT with them. Just the two of them in romantic beautiful Hawaii! Can't use kids as excuse but I'm sure the sleeping in separate beds will be used.

 

:sick:

[sandylee1]

I wonder how many bs actually know what's going on. Be it within a framework

of an open M or otherwise. I just can't wrap my head around it thinking that mm actually get away with having a long term a on the side. Esp if it's so intense and time consuming as a double life / 2nd relationship

 

When someone sets out to deceive you and you trust them, you genuinely have no idea. It's not just MM that get away with it. MWs do as well. For decades in some cases and they take it to their graves.

 

When the last thing you think is that the person who you married, who vowed to love you, to cherish you and to be faithful till death would do it.

 

When cheaters go to all lengths like secret phones and email accounts anything is possible. They become masters of deception living this double life.

[Poppy47]

I wonder how many bs actually know what's going on. Be it within a framework

of an open M or otherwise. I just can't wrap my head around it thinking that mm actually get away with having a long term a on the side. Esp if it's so intense and time consuming as a double life / 2nd relationship

 

Hi Minnie,

Neither can I.

 

xMM was constantly spending time with me for 8 years.

 

When I think back... I am confounded and damned if I know how he did it for so very long with her knowledge.

 

Poppy.

[Onlyif]

That for the kind words. I'm not rushing dealing with him because I have to work on getting me strong enough to deal with it. A week has gone by and he hadn't even texted me which I'm glad for. He doesn't even know I'm going to stop seeing him yet . I may have to lie to myself for a while to get through this by telling myself it was nothing. That it was all in my head and there really wasn't anything magical between us. I just feel lost right now. I'm going to work and doing what I need to do but I feel like I just don't care about anything or anyone. Wish I could just run far away and leave it all behind but I have grandchildren depending on me. The person I was loved died and this new person is in his place. I'm going through the grieving process and with four deaths in my family last year I'm very familiar with that . I know in time it will get easier but damn I'm going to miss him!

[Onlyif]

My message to him yesterday ?

Your words keep running through my head "I guess I shouldn't have a life". I've been lying to myself for a long time pretending she and it didn't exist. The reality of it all is she does and she's your wife. I'm JUST the other woman. The reality is that yes you have your own life your own family and you're HER husband. They are the ones you'll be spending your holidays with and sharing life experiences with. I'm JUST the other woman! This is tearing me apart and breaking my heart but I can't be the other woman any longer. You see I fell in love ... a rare kind of love but it doesn't matter because you're "living your life" with your wife. I've been in a battle between my mind and my heart all week over this and it's done. It's been 4 years and you have no more freedom from your marriage than in the beginning. We can't spend the night together, go out together and for sure vacation together because you are married. Try telling your wife your going on a free vacation with me. You're right I know nothing about your life after 4 years. You text me while you were in Hawaii and saw me on 9/30 afterwards and didn't mention you went on vacation. It's apparent just how secret and separate your real life is from me. Just like I am kept a secret from her. When she came home and I told you I couldn't be the other woman I should have walked away but my hearts was already in to deep. Now I'll pay the price of a broken heart because I disrespected myself and became the other woman .. second to another woman. My love deserves to be first .. I have to be the ONLY WOMAN!

[Poppy47]

My message to him yesterday ?

Your words keep running through my head "I guess I shouldn't have a life". I've been lying to myself for a long time pretending she and it didn't exist. The reality of it all is she does and she's your wife. I'm JUST the other woman. The reality is that yes you have your own life your own family and you're HER husband. They are the ones you'll be spending your holidays with and sharing life experiences with. I'm JUST the other woman! This is tearing me apart and breaking my heart but I can't be the other woman any longer. You see I fell in love ... a rare kind of love but it doesn't matter because you're "living your life" with your wife. I've been in a battle between my mind and my heart all week over this and it's done. It's been 4 years and you have no more freedom from your marriage than in the beginning. We can't spend the night together, go out together and for sure vacation together because you are married. Try telling your wife your going on a free vacation with me. You're right I know nothing about your life after 4 years. You text me while you were in Hawaii and saw me on 9/30 afterwards and didn't mention you went on vacation. It's apparent just how secret and separate your real life is from me. Just like I am kept a secret from her. When she came home and I told you I couldn't be the other woman I should have walked away but my hearts was already in to deep. Now I'll pay the price of a broken heart because I disrespected myself and became the other woman .. second to another woman. My love deserves to be first .. I have to be the ONLY WOMAN!

No you don't

The choice is yours.

Poppy.

[Onlyif]

Maybe that didn't read like I planned. The price I'm going to pay is the broken heart for letting it happen to start with now that I'm am walking away! I will NOT be the other woman!

[aileD]

Good....but you left the door open.

 

Now you need a no contact letter or better yet just delete block and ignore him

[Josmatjes]

Maybe that didn't read like I planned. The price I'm going to pay is the broken heart for letting it happen to start with now that I'm am walking away! I will NOT be the other woman!

 

Hi, I don't really come to this site often anymore but everyone and I while I read it because the stories give me strength. I feel I had to write to you though because I feel your pain.

I see the letter you wrote to him and I'm going to tell you right now that it will do nothing.absolutely nothing. He will read it and feel bad for all of ten minutes and then coddle you and sympathize and suck you right back in with words and broken promises. The way you tell him you aren't taking his **** anymore is by going full on no contact! Tell him to F off first if you want but it's the only way.

 

It's awful because you want him to tell you that your wrong and he does truly love you and he's made mistakes but forgive him cause now he sees the light and you will both figure it out together and just hold on a little longer.

I GET IT!!! But I'm so sorry to tell you that it's not going to happen. And the longer you hold onto the pages of the past you absolutely cannot write your future. There is a lesson in this if you look hard enough. My lesson was that my marraige was not good and I have been separated for over a year now. It wasn't fair to my husband what happened and I wanted him to be able to make choices. I'm not saying this is right for you but really think about your life and what you want. You don't want the mm, he is a metaphor for what is missing in your life. You need to find yourself before you can be truly happy. I wish you peace and happiness!!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi, I don't really come to this site often anymore but everyone and I while I read it because the stories give me strength. I feel I had to write to you though because I feel your pain.

I see the letter you wrote to him and I'm going to tell you right now that it will do nothing.absolutely nothing. He will read it and feel bad for all of ten minutes and then coddle you and sympathize and suck you right back in with words and broken promises. The way you tell him you aren't taking his **** anymore is by going full on no contact! Tell him to F off first if you want but it's the only way.

 

It's awful because you want him to tell you that your wrong and he does truly love you and he's made mistakes but forgive him cause now he sees the light and you will both figure it out together and just hold on a little longer.

I GET IT!!! But I'm so sorry to tell you that it's not going to happen. And the longer you hold onto the pages of the past you absolutely cannot write your future. There is a lesson in this if you look hard enough. My lesson was that my marraige was not good and I have been separated for over a year now. It wasn't fair to my husband what happened and I wanted him to be able to make choices. I'm not saying this is right for you but really think about your life and what you want. You don't want the mm, he is a metaphor for what is missing in your life. You need to find yourself before you can be truly happy. I wish you peace and happiness!!

 

Couldn't have said it better. OP read this post a few times and really let these words sink in.