What do you do with an alcoholic mother who won't learn her lesson. PLS read!

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Within the last 20 years, my mother has managed to lose a house, a car, 2 kids (for 3 years), broken 3 ribs, both wrists, knocked out teeth and basically rip her hair out of her skull. From what?

 

ALCOHOL

 

Within those 20 years and all of the heartache, she has been to Rehab/Detox ohh ballparking it, about 300 times. Now recently (yesterday) she went into the hospital AGAIN to get her stomach pumped. We found her in a pool of he own vomit, convoltioning with her eyes rolling in the back of her head. Now I;m no doctor, but that didn't seem good so we called an ambulance. Now this morning, she's all fine and dandy. The Social Services bitch said she's ok to go home. So she goes home. What the f*** do you mean she's ok to go home?

 

Have you any idea what she looked like when she came here. Hospitals are so hard to get a hold of someone who makes the decisions. So she's home now, drinking. Didn't learn any lessons.

 

What do I do?

 

I'm tempted to buy her a bottle of scotch and let her die happy. Her liver isn't going to get any better. And she obviously doesn't want help if after 20 years of this s*** and falling down the stairs countless times, shoe would want to stop, but nope. So might as well encourage it.

 

I'm just giving up as of now

[New_Wife]

Google "Al-Anon" and find a meeting in your area.

 

What you can do for your mother is, sadly, not a damn thing. But what you can do for yourself is a different story. In Al-Anon, you talk with folks who have been in your position. They share methods of coping, detatching with love, and losing the feeling of responsibility for another person's actions.

 

It's embarassing to go to any 12-step fellowship at first. You are afraid of who will see you, letting the "secret" out, and in some ways it feels like admitting defeat. This is all normal.

 

And the "Anon" is for anonomous. It is taken VERY seriously & is really one of the only rules in the fellowship. All walks of life are represented & you will find a support group like no other.

 

I was the daughter. The addict. I caused the pain to my family that you are experiencing. No amount of love could or would have stopped me. It's an inside job. No one else made me use, no one else made me quit. My mother is also an alcoholic but she is a functional one. I love her, but I won't talk to her after dark. Like a liqour vampire, the drink comes out at night. I am now a successful business woman and mother with 8.5 years clean. But make no mistake, that bottom was mine alone to hit.

 

I wish you all the best, and if you ever want to talk to me privately you are more than welcome to. Just use the PM function here and I'll give you my email.

[Merin]

Damn Girl.. I'm sorry

 

Short of having your Mom admitted to a program against her will I don't know what else you can do.. how painful for you and your family...

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by New_Wife

But make no mistake, that bottom was mine alone to hit.

 

 

You are so right NewWife .. Everybody has there own bottom .. I've been sober over 18 years

 

With me it was a family intervention with the realization that I was hurting people that love me.

 

 

IhavenoFREAKINclue,

 

Al-Anon is the way to help yourself deal with her.. The program is all about you and you learn how not to enable the Alcoholic and you learn to live your life for yourself and not the Alcoholic.. It also teaches you to seperate the person from the disease.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Thanx a lot guys. I figured if she wants to die like this let her. He liver is probably nothing by now and I give her 2 years tops. Even if she is clean for those 2 years. Her liver cannot get any worse. She's not going to stop, she would have by now. So i figure f*** it, CHEERS!

[Craig]

IhavenoFREAKINclue, how does your mom get the booze?

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

OH wait this is the best part.....She drives!

But i think she stocks up so she doesn't have to leave her room for about 2 weeks.

[Opium]

You have to understand your mother must be miserable with her own skin. Sometimes people don't realize their not only hurting themselves but the ones closes to them also. I wouldn't even know where to start if my mother was an alcoholic like you mentioned your's was. My heart goes out to you because you have no idea how strong you have to be.

 

Don't give up, it's the last thing your mother needs for you to do right now. She's addicted to something that "takes the pain away". Sometimes you have to let people chose their own destiny and you have no control over what happens. Try your hardest to stand by her side and help her, cause if one day this God of ours decides she's had enough you don't want the guilt of not ever doing anything to help.

 

Try to take all the bottles away and break them in her face. Show her your pain and what she's doing to you. She's so lost in her world that she can't even see what's in front of her. She won't stop till she's had enough, and sometimes it's never enough to fight an addiction. Wish you the best, this is hard!

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

Thanx a lot guys. I figured if she wants to die like this let her. He liver is probably nothing by now and I give her 2 years tops. Even if she is clean for those 2 years. Her liver cannot get any worse. She's not going to stop, she would have by now. So i figure f*** it, CHEERS!

 

Again, I suggest Al-Anon. You are not alone. The anger and dissappointment you feel are normal & healthy - even though they hurt like he11.

 

There is detatching, and then there is detatching with love. The example I was given was of a wife who came home and found her alcoholic husband passed out on the kitchen floor. Detatching is leaving him there without a second thought. Detatching with love is tossing a blanket over him and leaving him there. In neither case is the wife condoning the bad behavior, but in the second, she is being true to herself in action and thought. She may still WANT to kick him in the gut as he lay there, dissappointing her yet again - but she does not.

 

It is a fine and confusing balance. I hope you find it.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Problem is, I don't live with her. Plus she just got 1 million dollars from her mother passing. How bad can life get??!?! I;m too old to be babysitting and she's to old to help now.

[LittleMiss]

I know what you are going through and I know how hard it is to watch your mother destroy herself. Read my thread and Moose's responses. He really helped me a lot.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=48640

 

I had to let go and shut her out of my life. You can't help if they don't want to be helped. It's sad, but true. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this pain. I know first hand how difficult it is. PM me if you want.

[New_Wife]

You don't have to live with her to be hurt by her, as you well know.

 

Like I said before, I know how hard it is to walk into these meetings. The guilt you carry - even though none of it is your fault, is immense. The shame is huge. Anger, helplessness, all of it - huge.

 

But I swear to you - it will help. Not right away. And not all the way - but it will help to talk to people who have been there and survived a family member's self-destruction.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Problem is, she already hit rock bottom, more than once. More than 15 times. If she hasn't figured it out by now, she's not. So let her die in peace and with a smile of her face.

[New_Wife]

Rock bottom as defined by you. Sadly, that's not the definition that will work. For some, it's the first overdose. For others, loss of children, family, DWI, Court, Divorce, etc. still don't do it. Some literally end up living on the street turning tricks & even THAT is not enough. Bottom is different for every addict/alcoholic. Just because you or I might see something as the lowest possible point, doesn't mean that your mom sees it the same way.

 

But my suggestion of Al-Anon has NOTHING to do with your mother. It has to do with YOU. It is you that I am concerned about, because you're the only one of the two that is cognizant enough to be hurting, and grieving, and angry. You are the one left to deal with the fallout and the pain. It is YOU that you have to try to heal from the pain inflicted by another.

 

If, instead of being an alcohlic, your mother ran you over with her car - it would not matter that she was driving. What would matter would be that you got to a hospital and had your wounds tended to. Folks seem to treat their emotional pain with much less regard than their physical - but in the end, it'll kill ya too (Tom Cruise be damned).

 

To take care of YOUR PAIN, Al-Anon is the place. Try 5 meetings. That's all. Five hours out of your life. If, after that, you think it's a load of dookie - what have you lost?

[quankanne]

have you spoken to her doctor about her addiction? I've seen news releases about different medications whose side effects curb the need for liquor -- last month I read something about a component/chemical in kudzu, yes KUDZU, THE PLANT FROM HELL, that stimulates the "I''ve had all the booze I can take" sensor in an alcoholic. At this point, it could help her slow down the drinking, but only if she takes the stuff on a regular basis.

 

the suggestion to go to Al Anon meetings is a good one, because you may just pick up the tools you nheed to cope with this situation.

 

best of luck to you, girl.

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

Problem is, she already hit rock bottom, more than once. More than 15 times. If she hasn't figured it out by now, she's not. So let her die in peace and with a smile of her face.

 

Well, unless you can forcibly put her into rehab then there is not much you can do for her. Even if she goes through rehab when she gets out she is still going to do what she wants to. She has to choose sobriety. She cannot be forced into it.

[justagirl1121]

my mother is an alocoholic. maybe she's not that bad but she'll drink at 8am. my dad will ask her to stop or slow down. had a big blow up th eother day. i came home from work (i still live with them) and my dad and little brother said she left. they had to go take th ecar to get the ac fixed and she was going to take beer with her, my dad siad dont she said then forget it im not going. she gets sooooooo irrational and annoying as ****. she packed clothes and went to my grandmothers. my uncle was there, he doesnt tolerate it. she came home that evening. went to th eroom and stayed there all day. was pissed at US! we're ALWAYS in the wrong. next day, she was still mad at my dad but acted as if nothing happened. next day after that, drunk again.....i can't stand it, and there is no way to help. it's been bad sometimes but you cant get thru her thick skull at all. sometimes we're like just let her go get beer while she's drunk. maybe she'll get pulled over. still wouldnt do her any good i suspect.

[lonelydaughter]

Hi all....this is my first time here and I found this post by doing a search for "I want to help my alcholic mother" on google.

 

I am now 25yrs old and grew up with an alcoholic mother who now managed to make rushing to the ER a regular and at this point I feel the same as "IHAVENOFREKINCLUE". I belive I am still at an early stage of dealing with this and as much as I understant that I cannot help her, I can only help myself...still all I want to do is help her.

 

I love her as much as I hate her when she drink and I would do anything in this world for her to stop except ruin my own life, which I have been keeping up with pretty good. As I read in many other sites, children or alcoholics usually are really responsible and I come to belive I am. I have never given her 5 minutes of sorrow, I have never upset her. She was luck enough to have my aunt raise me....i cannot stop thinking that there has to be something, anything in this world that would change her.

 

I wish good luck to all and hope things get better for everyone.

[hotgurl]

IHNFC,

If you are uncomfortable with Alonon try a therapist.

 

My mother is a functional alcoholic. She is very nice during the day but at night forget it. It is now affecting her health.

 

For years I tried to help but she won't admit she has a problem. I have cried and banged my head against the wall. Talking to a therapist helped me.

 

And a couple of things to keep in mind.

 

You can't make her stop.

She hasn't hit bottom yet.

You don't have to like her or what she is doing to herself, but you can still love her.

You don't have to pick up the pieces

You don't have to take care of her.

You need to distance yourself emotionally from her.

Just because you do these things doesn't mean you don't love her.

You need to take care of yourself first. She will take you down with her if you allow it.

you will feel guilt but that doesn't mean you deserve it.

[lonelydaughter]

Thanks a lot.

 

You see, I have managed not to let her drag me down with her. We now live seperate lives and I don't get involved with hers and she doesnt get involved with mine. She is very dissapointed that I am not helping her, since she "can't" work. I am not going to take care of her because I know that my life would go down the drain if I would. BUT at the same time, I cannot distance myself from her emotionally.

 

Just thinking of her and where her life is and is going make me cry in a second. I want her to get on her feet and live a somewhat normal life. Many times I asked her, wouldnt you like to see your grandkids? of course she says yes..and then I tell her at this rate you won't get to see them but it doesnt make a difference. So dammmn hard headed. When she's sober she can be the nicest thing and we can be happy but once she drinks, I dont even talk to her. She becomes selfish, careless and nasty as can be....

 

I was thinking of seeing a therapist but how would that help her and the thing is even though I wouls somehow deal with the fact that I cannot change her, I'm still going to want to try to help her. If I could get her to go to a therapist, maybe with me that is actually a pretty good idea which I know she is going to be apsolutely against...but I guess I can try.

 

Again, thanks for all your help.

[RecordProducer]

You can't make her stop unless she wants to. Your goal should be to make her WANT it not make her stop. She already did hit the bottom, I think, yet doesn't want to quit. When you fight with her about it, it probably creates an even greater emotional distance and makes things worse. It's better to beg her and cry to stop and promise her help so that she understands how much she's hurting you.

Try step-by-step system with her. Ask her to stop for a month. Say it's all you ask. When she sees how good life is without alcohol, she may want to cure the addiction. If not, ask her to do one month with, one month without drinking. It will make her drink less, start living two lives and just see which one she chooses as better.

Or make an agreement with her that she won't drink more than e.g. 5 drinks per day and not start before 5 pm. Be there for her. She drinks because of the thrill the alcohol gives her. But after a few drinks the mood goes down. So ask her to at least drink lightly. That way she won't go too low. Do you think you could achieve this together?

[pvtpylot]

lonelydaughter

 

I'm a recovering alcoholic myself (8 years sober) so I understand how much pain we can inflict on those we love, unfortunately. A therapist or Al-Anon will help *you* deal with the emotional pain of there being nothing you can do to help your mother stop drinking if she does not want it. If she has not sought help on her own then she has not reached her bottom. Every alcoholic has a different threshold of pain and it's no use trying to reason with them. The alcoholic is the only person who can decide for themselves when they've had enough.

[lonelydaughter]

Thank you,

 

My mother once was sober for 2 yrs and little by little she went back on....after that she only got worse...last yr, the first time she went to the hospital, she stopped again for about 8-10 months...then started back again...less then a yr later she was back in the hopsital....now she is off it again and I have been trying to be very nice to her and I am planning on having a talk with her to see if she would agree to go to a therapist. Are there therapists that we can both talk to at the same time or would have to be separate? because I would love to be there with her.

 

I am hoping she will get better, but I dont trust her at all and don't believe that she will stop, I can only hope.