OW considering outing MM looking for BS/MM thoughts

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hello. I'm a little nervous about posting this here, but I really want to hear from BS's and MM's on this. I got caught up in a one year EA with some PA (I refused intercourse because he's married but he tried to get that early on and was very explicitly sexual in his communications throughout including pictures--most recently saying he'd like to F me in front of his wife to show her how it's done). He told me I'm his third or fourth OW. (I suspect more though) After months of being in pain from his push/pull, etc., I finally got the strength to go NC--I basically ghosted him.

 

From her Facebook, she seems totally oblivious to his philandering ways...almost like she lives in this rosy, fantasy world of spirituality and lovey dovey family life with perfect husband.

 

I've been thinking about anonymously letting his BS know of his WS ways. I've been examining my motivations for doing this. To be very honest, here are my reasons so far:

 

1. She deserves to know he is deceiving her. She deserves someone to love her authentically.

2. I am angry that he pursued me, deceived me, and I had to find out on my own that he is married after I already developed an emotional connection with him.

3. I'm hoping to shake him up to the point he will hesitate before taking advantage of more women...conduct himself with integrity inside and outside his marriage!

 

I've been thinking of mailing her a card advising her that her husband has betrayed her many times over, to get good IC, and to get STD tested.

 

I keep flip flopping on this. Part of me wants to disclose for reasons above and another part of me wants to let sleeping dogs lie, be grateful I've maintained NC for over a month, and move on with my own life.

 

Tell or not tell? Suggestions in going about it if I do?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

As a BS that was kept in the dark, I would want to know. I would not have cared one iota about the motives behind the revelation.

 

How? Anyway that you can that can't be intercepted by the MM. Collect emails/texts/pics to provide validation for your claims. Otherwise you'll be labeled as the crazy woman by the MM.

[Jersey born raised]

He hid his marriage from you in the beginning ?

 

Yes perhaps you should consider doing so openly. Yes after being hooked you did not ended it immediately and that is on you. But he did hide it from you.

 

Can you provide any confirming evidence. Understand he is a player and a pro at gaslighting and blame shifting. But just because it is hard and you will take a hit is not reason to do it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

As a BS that was kept in the dark, I would want to know. I would not have cared one iota about the motives behind the revelation.

 

How? Anyway that you can that can't be intercepted by the MM. Collect emails/texts/pics to provide validation for your claims. Otherwise you'll be labeled as the crazy woman by the MM.

 

Thanks for your response. You hit on one of my two main fears about telling her, which is that he will manipulate her into thinking I'm some crazy lunatic that just couldn't have him or some stupid crap. (Truth is I'm single with lots to offer so why would I settle for a lying, cheating sham of the man I first thought he was? Someone better will come along!)

 

Also, I'm afraid she'll place the blame on me and come after me with a world of crazy. I don't know her so I don't know how she will react. Even if I advise her anonymously, if she says anything to him, he will most likely know it is me and will tell her my name, etc. He is very intelligent and very manipulative.

[SoulCat]

1. She deserves to know he is deceiving her. She deserves someone to love her authentically.

 

If that was your only reason for spilling the beans then as a BS I'd appreciate it. Not from someone anonymously though. That lacks credibility and more importantly, integrity and honesty on your part.

To make it count, to make it 'authentic' you've got to own up to your part in the deception and betrayal.

 

 

2. I am angry that he pursued me, deceived me, and I had to find out on my own that he is married after I already developed an emotional connection with him.

 

Then telling her is out of spite. He hurt you, now it's your turn to hurt him.

That you'll annihilate his wife's world is just collateral damage.

 

 

3. I'm hoping to shake him up to the point he will hesitate before taking advantage of more women...conduct himself with integrity inside and outside his marriage!

 

As you've broken things off and gone NC, this is no longer any of your business. And that's besides the fact that as a serial cheat, it ain't gonna work anyway. He won't ever change.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

He hid his marriage from you in the beginning ?

 

Yes perhaps you should consider doing so openly. Yes after being hooked you did not ended it immediately and that is on you. But he did hide it from you.

 

Can you provide any confirming evidence. Understand he is a player and a pro at gaslighting and blame shifting. But just because it is hard and you will take a hit is not reason to do it.

 

For sure it is on me that I continued after knowing. I tried to stop many times but the pain of ending it exceeded staying in until I finally got to the point where that reversed. Now that I've been in my own IC and other measures to recover, I have the tools I need that I think I was missing before to get out. Wish I had just gotten this help many months ago, but glad it did not turn into years. I believe he is a pro as you said. Most of our communications were by email and I have all of them. Would she believe they were from him (his name is on all of them but would her denial and shock stop her)? I also have pictures he has sent me of his face and of his nether region. I can offer her dates he was with me. I don't want to get too sucked in to their drama though as I'm trying to exit the triangle, not get more enmeshed into it. But she should know. Reality check for me--is it possible she knows and is ok with it?? They've been married for 30 years. Could she really be oblivious? Does she know but hides it from the world?

[carhill]

Been down this road....

 

What verifiable evidence do you have?

 

What's your goal?

 

I took a different path as a MM years ago. I introduced the two ladies and let them hash it out. I think I'd had my fill of women at that point. Hence, no 'outing' occurred since it was pre-empted.

 

IMO, since you're successfully in NC, continue that and let it go and accept it for what it was, one interaction of many you'll have in a hopefully long and healthy life.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Been down this road....

 

What verifiable evidence do you have?

 

What's your goal?

 

I took a different path as a MM years ago. I introduced the two ladies and let them hash it out. I think I'd had my fill of women at that point. Hence, no 'outing' occurred since it was pre-empted.

 

IMO, since you're successfully in NC, continue that and let it go and accept it for what it was, one interaction of many you'll have in a hopefully long and healthy life.

 

Thank you, Carhill. Please see my post right above yours to answer your question on evidence. Does she already know he's a serial cheater and made her peace with it?

[aileD]

I am a BS and I'm always ambivalent on this question. Sometimes I think I'm glad I knew and sometimes I wish I didn't know.

 

i keep coming to the same conclusion even though it makes me uncomfortable:

 

 

IF THE AFFAIR IS OVER, it's not your business to tell the BS. Any arguments to "I feel she should know he's a philanderer for her SAFETY" became moot the second you kept quiet while the relationship was to your benefit.

 

The only reason for spilling the beans after the affair ended is to hurt someone else because you are hurting. we sugar coat it with talks of justice and feeling bad and "it's not right". Again. All moot points since you didn't feel those things well enough to act on them while you were getting your selfish needs met.

 

Also. Facebook is fake. We all know we only put the best of ourselves out there. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and it's none of your business. You don't know if they have some sort of arrangement or agreement or anything like that.

 

It's over. Get on with your life.

 

For the record, If the affair was still going on....I would be in favor of telling the wife.

[SammySammy]

If you're going to do it, why do it anonymously?

 

Is this really about helping his wife or more about revenge? Destroying her delusion of a perfect marriage and getting back at him? What if she is not deluded? What if he will not change?

 

How will any of this help you? Will it help you heal? Or just make you messy, petty, and vindictive?

 

Many people who insist you should tell do so for selfish reasons. Not because it benefits you in any way. Or their marriage. Many of these people are told - already know their spouse is a philanderer - and have chosen to stay in the marriage. Now they just have someone or something to blame rather than taking responsibility for their lousy marriage and their lousy choice of a partner.

 

Don't assume the wife is as naive and oblivious as you think. From this guy's own admission, this has been an ongoing problem in their marriage.

 

And, it's my opinion that it should remain just that. A problem in their marriage.

 

You don't have to make their problem your problem. It's okay to just separate yourself from the situation and move on with your life.

[howtoproceed]

Yes tell her asap!

She probably suspects and he's probably gaslighting her and driving her crazy.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry I haven't read through the whole thread. Her H (your MM) sounds like a similar kind of a-hole like my WH. Mine said mean things about me too similar to your MM. He sounds very non-empathic and maybe sociopathic.

 

I think you should tell her. I think his world deserves to be blown to smithereens when you behave badly like that. Just my 0.2 cents.

[carhill]

Thank you, Carhill. Please see my post right above yours to answer your question on evidence. Does she already know he's a serial cheater and made her peace with it?

If you choose to out the MM, print out the e-mails with the header information (like Wikileaks does), and the pictures and mail them to the spouse in a way that ensures they receive them.

 

Yes, I've done this, but it was long before e-mail, back in the days of hand-written letters and cards. Kinda hard to deny handwriting. Heh.

 

Again, it's a choice. If the goal is moving on, and this purge assists in that goal, OK. Be clear on the reasons and process, then execute.

[wmacbride]

He sounds like a real snake.

 

I think you should let her know, if for no other reason than to protect her physical and mental health. from what you say,this isn't his first rodeo, and he

will probably just move right on to the next ow, bringing home god knows what sorts of STD's and drama into his wife's life.

 

If you present her with eveidence that shows what he's been doing, and she ignores it, that it on her, but at least you will have given her the opportunity to protect herself. my best advice wuld be something along the lines of :

 

" dear Mrs. (her last name),

I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your husband has been cheating with me. I'm sorry for the role I played hurting you, as that was never my intention. he lied to me from the outset by saying he was not married.

 

I have attached evidence to this email so that you can see I am being truthful. He's also told me that I am not his first ow, and I felt you needed to be able to protect yourself.

 

Again, i am so sorry fro the pain this may put you through. If you have any questions, you can contact me at ( include a web based email, such as gmail, that you've created just for this purpose). I will try to answer them as best as I can."

 

It takes ownership,without opening yourself up for abuse, and supplies evidence as well.

[OneLov]

If you are doing it for reason number 1--do it. However, if you are doing it for any other reason included (which you are by your own admission), keep walking. Getting involved in their lives will just make you look weak and more than likely backfire on you. Trust me, you will get nothing out of it but more pain and humiliation. The proverbial joke will likely end up being on you.

 

This reminds me of a Chappelle Show skit.

 

"Pit Bull is nominated (for Player Hater of the Year) for calling the police on the drug dealers that moved next door to his house. Not because it was the right thing to do; he was just jealous of all the money they was making."

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thank you, Carhill. Please see my post right above yours to answer your question on evidence. Does she already know he's a serial cheater and made her peace with it?

 

Considering the way you described her FB personality I think this may be a distinct possibility. Living with a narcissist can cause people to turn inward for their love and acceptance and learn not to depend on others for it. Be glad you are free of this man, he sounds textbook. He craves attention of any kind, don't give him that!

[ladydesigner]

Considering the way you described her FB personality I think this may be a distinct possibility. Living with a narcissist can cause people to turn inward for their love and acceptance and learn not to depend on others for it. Be glad you are free of this man, he sounds textbook. He craves attention of any kind, don't give him that!

 

Yep I was thinking the exact same! Hits too close to home for me!

[waterwoman]

Yes, please do.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

So many great posts! Thank you everyone. Wish I could figure out the multi-quote feature. Guess I'll respond individually...sorry!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If that was your only reason for spilling the beans then as a BS I'd appreciate it. Not from someone anonymously though. That lacks credibility and more importantly, integrity and honesty on your part.

To make it count, to make it 'authentic' you've got to own up to your part in the deception and betrayal.

 

 

 

 

Then telling her is out of spite. He hurt you, now it's your turn to hurt him.

That you'll annihilate his wife's world is just collateral damage.

 

 

 

 

As you've broken things off and gone NC, this is no longer any of your business. And that's besides the fact that as a serial cheat, it ain't gonna work anyway. He won't ever change.

 

Thank you for your post.

1 - Anon bc I don't want to add to the crazy-making. I own my part of the A, would even be willing to help her get all the evidence she needed for her own sanity from my A and show her some ways to get same from his other A's if it would help her. However, I don't want to crucify myself in the process. I don't have a BS bc I'm not married, but I do have a successful business that's taking off with influential people that I'm concerned she'd destroy out of spite. I just don't know if she would be appreciative or if she would go bat crazy and make me the poster child scapegoat for all her marriage woes. Hence anon I can at least try to help her while protecting myself.

 

2- Being honest, yeah, why should he, the person running around wreaking havoc on people's lives get off scott free? The world's not a fair place but sometimes we have an opportunity to do something about it.

 

3- Serial cheater...he'd need to have a good smack from his BS to make a difference in future and truthfully I don't know if she has it in her. I am concerned about how many other women he would infect on many levels and feel in a position to make a difference.

 

I also recognize it's not my obligation to do anything at all, and I could be taking on more than my side of the road. I recognize my father's infidelity is influencing me greatly on this. It devastated my mother, and her devastation devastated me when I was only 14 years old. I empathize with BS's bc of this. But at the end of the day, I was only a guest performer in my MM's and his BS's circus.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If you're going to do it, why do it anonymously?

 

Is this really about helping his wife or more about revenge? Destroying her delusion of a perfect marriage and getting back at him? What if she is not deluded? What if he will not change?

 

How will any of this help you? Will it help you heal? Or just make you messy, petty, and vindictive?

 

Many people who insist you should tell do so for selfish reasons. Not because it benefits you in any way. Or their marriage. Many of these people are told - already know their spouse is a philanderer - and have chosen to stay in the marriage. Now they just have someone or something to blame rather than taking responsibility for their lousy marriage and their lousy choice of a partner.

 

Don't assume the wife is as naive and oblivious as you think. From this guy's own admission, this has been an ongoing problem in their marriage.

 

And, it's my opinion that it should remain just that. A problem in their marriage.

 

You don't have to make their problem your problem. It's okay to just separate yourself from the situation and move on with your life.

 

Thanks for posting. I agree with what you've said...doubt it will help me much at all. Whatever residual emotions I have remaining I can resolve in healthier ways: IC, group meets, LS, etc. Actually, as I've been reading everyone's responses, I've been thinking it may set me back significantly. ..sucking me back in to the drama. I've come a loooong way from where I was a few weeks ago, I'm nearly back to the highly functioning person I was before falling into the rabbit hole, gained new perspective, worked on old wounds. Also I'm gearing up for my business's busy time of year so I definitely need all my energy and focus right now through the next several months. Yes, I've been thinking after 30 years she may well know his ways or choose to be in denial, in which I would not be able to assist.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Sorry I haven't read through the whole thread. Her H (your MM) sounds like a similar kind of a-hole like my WH. Mine said mean things about me too similar to your MM. He sounds very non-empathic and maybe sociopathic.

 

I think you should tell her. I think his world deserves to be blown to smithereens when you behave badly like that. Just my 0.2 cents.

 

I briefly checked threads you initiated to learn more about your WH. Would you please direct me to the thread or post some info here or PM me? I've been learning much about narcissism and other disorders these past weeks. I think he may be a covert narcissist, and yes possibly sociopathic. I believe he deserves punishment too. Hence my post, but on the other hand, I also believe what I wrote here in my reply to Knight.

 

I'd like to know more about your experience with WH, because I've been exploring personality disorders and what in me attracts this type of person. I'm interested in your experience to compare notes, if you are ok with that. Please feel free to PM me. Hugs!

[notmyselfnow]

As a BS I had someone tell me and I would never have known. As painful as it was, I am so so glad I know. One of the worst things for me to come to terms with is the number of people who did know and said nothing. I mean - I'm a person. Did they have no empathy? How could they let me live on in ignorance?

 

I will always - from this point on - disclose anyone's cheating. It is the right thing to do. No one wants to live a lie.

 

So having been in a similar situation - tell her. Who cares why? I honestly think you want to tell because you're hurt and want to hurt him - but who cares the reason? The right thing to do is still the right thing to do, even if you're doing it for the wrong reason.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If you choose to out the MM, print out the e-mails with the header information (like Wikileaks does), and the pictures and mail them to the spouse in a way that ensures they receive them.

 

Yes, I've done this, but it was long before e-mail, back in the days of hand-written letters and cards. Kinda hard to deny handwriting. Heh.

 

Again, it's a choice. If the goal is moving on, and this purge assists in that goal, OK. Be clear on the reasons and process, then execute.

 

Carhill, you have great heart! I love your Wikileaks reference! Lol! I think this is a great opportunity for me to dig deeper into my motivations to unearth some past trauma from dad's infidelity. I'm concerned that doing anything other than NC might reopen the painful can of worms with MM, plus he might seek revenge if his world blew up. Getting very real about my motivations is totally key! Bet there's some healing to be discovered in that...I better get my pick ax out and start digging on my side of the fence!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

He sounds like a real snake.

 

I think you should let her know, if for no other reason than to protect her physical and mental health. from what you say,this isn't his first rodeo, and he

will probably just move right on to the next ow, bringing home god knows what sorts of STD's and drama into his wife's life.

 

If you present her with eveidence that shows what he's been doing, and she ignores it, that it on her, but at least you will have given her the opportunity to protect herself. my best advice wuld be something along the lines of :

 

" dear Mrs. (her last name),

I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your husband has been cheating with me. I'm sorry for the role I played hurting you, as that was never my intention. he lied to me from the outset by saying he was not married.

 

I have attached evidence to this email so that you can see I am being truthful. He's also told me that I am not his first ow, and I felt you needed to be able to protect yourself.

 

Again, i am so sorry fro the pain this may put you through. If you have any questions, you can contact me at ( include a web based email, such as gmail, that you've created just for this purpose). I will try to answer them as best as I can."

 

It takes ownership,without opening yourself up for abuse, and supplies evidence as well.

 

Really great letter! Thank you. I wish I could know for certain whether she believes he is faithful, whether she would want to know, whether she would lash out at me. By the way, a few months ago in an email, I told him he's devious in a teasing way. In three separate conversations after that he said he liked me calling him devious. Never got to ask him why he likes that so much, but curious. I find it strange. Is devious a compliment?