OW considering outing MM looking for BS/MM thoughts

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If you are doing it for reason number 1--do it. However, if you are doing it for any other reason included (which you are by your own admission), keep walking. Getting involved in their lives will just make you look weak and more than likely backfire on you. Trust me, you will get nothing out of it but more pain and humiliation. The proverbial joke will likely end up being on you.

 

This reminds me of a Chappelle Show skit.

 

"Pit Bull is nominated (for Player Hater of the Year) for calling the police on the drug dealers that moved next door to his house. Not because it was the right thing to do; he was just jealous of all the money they was making."

 

Yeah, I know. As for him getting some come uppance, I also fantasized about baking him a small cake laced with a whole bottle of laxative for his birthday in a few months and showing up when he gets off work and feed it to him. Just a fantasy though, just a fantasy!

[ChickiePops]

Really great letter! Thank you. I wish I could know for certain whether she believes he is faithful, whether she would want to know, whether she would lash out at me. By the way, a few months ago in an email, I told him he's devious in a teasing way. In three separate conversations after that he said he liked me calling him devious. Never got to ask him why he likes that so much, but curious. I find it strange. Is devious a compliment?

 

No normal human being would consider being called devious a compliment..your instincts are spot on.

 

Also..consider me another supporter for telling. I think wmacbride's letter is perfect. I hope you send it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Considering the way you described her FB personality I think this may be a distinct possibility. Living with a narcissist can cause people to turn inward for their love and acceptance and learn not to depend on others for it. Be glad you are free of this man, he sounds textbook. He craves attention of any kind, don't give him that!

 

I think this is an absolutely brilliant observation. (I really like your Flintstone picture, too!) From what I gather about her through her Facebook and articles she blogs online, she reminds me of a little girl living in a fantasy world with pink ponies and marshmallow rocks. That's exaggerated actually, but everyone one of her posts have little hearts and say from her heart to whomever she is addressing including strangers. She's kind of out there spiritually, too, like she's living an alternate reality. I'd like to clarify that I am familiar with the spiritual topics on which she posts as I'm very spiritual myself, but I'm also very grounded in reality. It's one aspect of who I am, not 100% of who I am. MM said she took on this persona when her father passed 6 years ago and that's when they started having martial issues. When reading your post, I was struck that maybe she escaped to her fairy fantasy land and he escaped to affair world. I know this is their problem to deal with, but I'm also learning much about marriages from posts on LS. Hoping what I'm learning here will help me pick the right life partner and have a healthy, happy life with him. I'm always so impressed by what people post on LS. What a blessing to have found this place!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for your post.

1 - Anon bc I don't want to add to the crazy-making. I own my part of the A, would even be willing to help her get all the evidence she needed for her own sanity from my A and show her some ways to get same from his other A's if it would help her. However, I don't want to crucify myself in the process. I don't have a BS bc I'm not married, but I do have a successful business that's taking off with influential people that I'm concerned she'd destroy out of spite. I just don't know if she would be appreciative or if she would go bat crazy and make me the poster child scapegoat for all her marriage woes. Hence anon I can at least try to help her while protecting myself.

 

2- Being honest, yeah, why should he, the person running around wreaking havoc on people's lives get off scott free? The world's not a fair place but sometimes we have an opportunity to do something about it.

 

3- Serial cheater...he'd need to have a good smack from his BS to make a difference in future and truthfully I don't know if she has it in her. I am concerned about how many other women he would infect on many levels and feel in a position to make a difference.

 

I also recognize it's not my obligation to do anything at all, and I could be taking on more than my side of the road. I recognize my father's infidelity is influencing me greatly on this. It devastated my mother, and her devastation devastated me when I was only 14 years old. I empathize with BS's bc of this. But at the end of the day, I was only a guest performer in my MM's and his BS's circus.

 

I highlighted what I find important.

 

I have a business too and my reputation is very important. Luckily, so is xmm's, which is why his BS kept it completely to herself. I know this bc she told my H. She has a lot to lose. It is why I do not push it and tell her about the false reconciliation. Everyone has their breaking point and I do not want to push her over that line. She thinks they are back together again. She is happy, he is happy. Whatever.

 

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

Protect yourself and what is important to you. Don't underestimate the power of the crazy if a spouse finds out their wife/husband has been cheating on them. In my profession I have seen some people go over the edge and burn it all down to hurt the WS. Just the other day here some guy jumped off a building or something with his two little kids in his arms and a year ago some guy threw his 5 year old off a bridge as there was a custody dispute. Maybe she gets a gun and comes after you. Maybe he does. You don't know what you may unleash.

 

Don't play God. These are other people's lives. You got yourself involved (as did I) but it is not our responsibility or right to control other people's outcomes in life even if we have the best intentions (but really now, we are looking for vengeance, you know it and so do I). Leave it alone.

[SoulCat]

Thank you for your post.

1 - Anon bc I don't want to add to the crazy-making. I own my part of the A, would even be willing to help her get all the evidence she needed for her own sanity from my A and show her some ways to get same from his other A's if it would help her. However, I don't want to crucify myself in the process. I don't have a BS bc I'm not married, but I do have a successful business that's taking off with influential people that I'm concerned she'd destroy out of spite. I just don't know if she would be appreciative or if she would go bat crazy and make me the poster child scapegoat for all her marriage woes. Hence anon I can at least try to help her while protecting myself.

 

In the 3rd paragraph of your first thread you found out he was married. From then on you should have stayed away.

Instead you didn't and got lured in.

 

But all the while you knew.

You entered this relationship knowing full well, you made the decision to forge ahead. So the consequences are also yours. Own. Up. To. It.

 

I'm sorry but the wife has every reason to go crazy-town on your ass. You banged her damn husband!!

 

 

2- Being honest, yeah, why should he, the person running around wreaking havoc on people's lives get off scott free? The world's not a fair place but sometimes we have an opportunity to do something about it.

 

Aahh, so you are doing it out of spite.....

No redemption in that, you know.

 

3- Serial cheater...he'd need to have a good smack from his BS to make a difference in future and truthfully I don't know if she has it in her. I am concerned about how many other women he would infect on many levels and feel in a position to make a difference.

 

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

 

Honestly, in your case leave it be. For your own good.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I highlighted what I find important.

 

I have a business too and my reputation is very important. Luckily, so is xmm's, which is why his BS kept it completely to herself. I know this bc she told my H. She has a lot to lose. It is why I do not push it and tell her about the false reconciliation. Everyone has their breaking point and I do not want to push her over that line. She thinks they are back together again. She is happy, he is happy. Whatever.

 

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

Protect yourself and what is important to you. Don't underestimate the power of the crazy if a spouse finds out their wife/husband has been cheating on them. In my profession I have seen some people go over the edge and burn it all down to hurt the WS. Just the other day here some guy jumped off a building or something with his two little kids in his arms and a year ago some guy threw his 5 year old off a bridge as there was a custody dispute. Maybe she gets a gun and comes after you. Maybe he does. You don't know what you may unleash.

 

Don't play God. These are other people's lives. You got yourself involved (as did I) but it is not our responsibility or right to control other people's outcomes in life even if we have the best intentions (but really now, we are looking for vengeance, you know it and so do I). Leave it alone.

 

Bolded words--holy cow, what industry are you in? First I thought maybe metal health, but then thought private security or government contractor for law enforcement? No need to answer. Actually, MM has long career in criminal law and I'm keenly aware that he knows how to hurt me legally (especially with my pending law suits) or physically (he would know better than anyone how to cover tracks). Thanks for your post!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

In the 3rd paragraph of your first thread you found out he was married. From then on you should have stayed away.

Instead you didn't and got lured in.

 

But all the while you knew.

You entered this relationship knowing full well, you made the decision to forge ahead. So the consequences are also yours. Own. Up. To. It.

 

I'm sorry but the wife has every reason to go crazy-town on your ass. You banged her damn husband!!

 

 

 

 

Aahh, so you are doing it out of spite.....

No redemption in that, you know.

 

 

 

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

 

Honestly, in your case leave it be. For your own good.

 

I did not bang her husband. He tried. But I explicitly told him I would not sleep with him because he's married. I have owned it. I have lost literally tens of thousands of dollars being involved in this crappy A and my business reputation suffered due to my lack of focus, plus I lost 2 clients because I couldn't think straight. My litigation dragged on longer because I wasn't focused. I am the one who faced the pain to end it too. MM wanted it to go on infinitely; when I told him my involvement with him was too painful he replied he didn't want me to be in pain but didn't want to give me up either. He would have let it go on forever. I went NC cold turkey and have maintained it for 41 days. I'm posting here to get some idea of how this all might affect MM's BS (rather than act like some lunatic showing up at her doorstep or whatever). Should I sacrifice my livelihood too? Cut my wrists? I'm not perfect, but give me some credit lady. Sheesh!

[HappyAgain2014]

I disclosed so I'm totally on board with doing the right thing but it's not that simple.

 

Him lying about being married doesn't apply in your case because you found out he lied BEFORE you met him in person. That's on you.

 

You've made a lot of snide comments about his wife. That tells me you don't own your part nor do you acknowledge her innocence.

 

You should tell her but be up front about it. Share facts then get out of her life.

 

Finally, this isn't his wife's circus. You created a circus getting involved with him. Unlike you and MM, his wife doesn't have the information to make decisions. If you contact her, it's about her, not you. Don't ask for or expect absolution.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Bolded words--holy cow, what industry are you in? First I thought maybe metal health, but then thought private security or government contractor for law enforcement? No need to answer. Actually, MM has long career in criminal law and I'm keenly aware that he knows how to hurt me legally (especially with my pending law suits) or physically (he would know better than anyone how to cover tracks). Thanks for your post!

 

Haha. The child killings were just something I read about, the things I have seen personally involve fraud and theft of fund, identity theft and other legal/financial aspects. I run a type of legal/tax/consulting work, (though I have a criminal clients, they have just not been caught yet). I've seen people who had contacts at papers run an article and ruin their career (obviously not the Washington Times, more local papers, but still). I've seen tax implications, theft, all kinds of really bad things.

 

For me, xMM has a license to carry and I know he carries, he has 2 ankle holsters. While I posted how I wanted to die over him, I actually do not want to get shot between the eyes there. You just never know what will happen if you test someone.

 

As for mental health, I think most people in these things are somewhat unbalanced at the time. But you just don't know.

[SoulCat]

I'm not perfect, but give me some credit lady. Sheesh!

 

 

I'll give you credit. If and when you choose to expose the whole ugly sordid truth to his wife, not the cowardly option of going the anonymous route.

 

 

If you are not willing to give up the dollars to do that, then walk away.

[ladydesigner]

I briefly checked threads you initiated to learn more about your WH. Would you please direct me to the thread or post some info here or PM me? I've been learning much about narcissism and other disorders these past weeks. I think he may be a covert narcissist, and yes possibly sociopathic. I believe he deserves punishment too. Hence my post, but on the other hand, I also believe what I wrote here in my reply to Knight.

 

I'd like to know more about your experience with WH, because I've been exploring personality disorders and what in me attracts this type of person. I'm interested in your experience to compare notes, if you are ok with that. Please feel free to PM me. Hugs!

 

Oh yes absolutely

 

Here are some hallmark examples of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (My WH checks the mark on every one and has been diagnosed):

 

1. Conversation Hoarder. The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

 

2. Conversation Interrupter. While many people have the poor communication habit of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself. He shows little genuine interest in you.

 

3. Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.

 

4. Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.

 

5. False Image Projection. Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self. These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated. The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am—I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

 

6. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.

 

7. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.

 

8. Grandiose Personality. Thinking of oneself as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.

[Ahurtgirl]

Every time I read about a OW contemplating telling the wife I just cringe. I did contact, but did not tell her anything but it was enough to set a dday in motion. He made me look like the crazy person who blackmailed him into the affair (even though he pursued me and was very manipulative).

She would have rather have not been notified as it wrecked her perfect image of their marriage. So from my personal experience, DO NOT tell the wife. It only will make you look worse then what being the OW already does.

[Lion Heart]

Thanks for your response. You hit on one of my two main fears about telling her, which is that he will manipulate her into thinking I'm some crazy lunatic that just couldn't have him or some stupid crap. (Truth is I'm single with lots to offer so why would I settle for a lying, cheating sham of the man I first thought he was? Someone better will come along!)

 

Also, I'm afraid she'll place the blame on me and come after me with a world of crazy. I don't know her so I don't know how she will react. Even if I advise her anonymously, if she says anything to him, he will most likely know it is me and will tell her my name, etc. He is very intelligent and very manipulative.

 

YES TELL THE BW.

 

I'm a BW twice over. I didn't take ANYTHING "out" on OWs at all. Yes I phoned them but OW1 said she WANTED to talk to me.

 

I advise against this for your own protection.

You would be fine with me! I'd go to any lengths to protect an OW that WH screwed over.

But not all BWs are like me.

 

OFCOURSE YOU'LL be made to be the crazy one.

Yes. Absolutely.

 

I'd get my ducks in a row if I were you.

Write a timeline of the A. Dates if you choose.

And throw in as many things you WANT to that he said about BW.

SHE'LL KNOW you're genuine if you do this.

 

Basically you're crazy and I'm crazy and everyone's craxy but the cheating spouse when a surprise D Day occurs for them.

Don't worry lol. Who cares what they think or what they say.

 

You're doing the RIGHT thing for the BWs sexual health at least. Then for her CHOICES.

 

Please consider your own protection:

* maybe a new phone number

* do NOT disclose where you live or work to the BW

* look at security for yourself at work (mine was AWESOME)

* certainly securing your home.

 

I would TELL A FEW TRUSTED friends his name and address in case of any events.

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

I did not bang her husband. He tried. But I explicitly told him I would not sleep with him because he's married. I have owned it. I have lost literally tens of thousands of dollars being involved in this crappy A and my business reputation suffered due to my lack of focus, plus I lost 2 clients because I couldn't think straight. My litigation dragged on longer because I wasn't focused. I am the one who faced the pain to end it too. MM wanted it to go on infinitely; when I told him my involvement with him was too painful he replied he didn't want me to be in pain but didn't want to give me up either. He would have let it go on forever. I went NC cold turkey and have maintained it for 41 days. I'm posting here to get some idea of how this all might affect MM's BS (rather than act like some lunatic showing up at her doorstep or whatever). Should I sacrifice my livelihood too? Cut my wrists? I'm not perfect, but give me some credit lady. Sheesh!

 

Had Me over a barrel,

 

ONCE you tell the BW then you can view this whole last act as CLOSURE.

 

Send an anonymous letter to her. I wouldn't have RECEIVED a letter. WH was intercepting ALL my mail.

I'm glad OW forced WH to tell me that day or she would herself. SHE KNEW WHERE I lived.

 

The whole thing creeps me out.

 

Just send a letter. Make it as business looking as possible.

 

HMOB I GET IT. SOME MM (indeed OP) are highly manipulative people. Masters of manipulation.

Stop beating yourself up.

You stopped it.

 

You won't get "absolution" from BW necessarily who cares! It's all about YOU sleeping better at night.

YOU knowing you did the RIGHT thing.

 

Truth may hurt some people but others like me BASK IN THE TRUTH.

 

THANK G** for the OW who burst that rotten egg open.

HE STUNK lol.

 

ExWH was CONSTANTLY telling me how much he loved me and the kids.

How he'd NEVER cheat! NEVER.

 

Liar. Pure bare faced lies. He still lies through his teeth now. No surprises there!

At least NOW I KNOW WH for what he really is.

 

Funny that OW1 was a Scripture teacher lol.

Didn't stop her pursuing and interacting with WH after she found out he was M.

I know how he did it.

Lead her up the garden path.

OW was future faking.

WH just went along with it.

 

Apparently SHE got "in too deep" yah reckon?

 

Anyway they're both homeless now.

Not together lol nope. He threw her under a fleet of buses.

Hated her. Mmmm.

 

Protect yourself.

Then expose.

Closure.

Healing.

 

LH

[Joie]

BS here.

 

If you have been NC for the last 41 days just leave them alone. You are not part of their family, you are not friends with the W, and you are not looking out for her. Contacting her is just inserting yourself into her life once again.

 

I HATE when people say send proof. I would be devastated if the OW had sent me copies of all her text messages and emails with my husband. I wanted to be able to control what information I learned and how I learned it. I deliberately didn't ask my husband certain things because it would be to painful and would not benefit our reconciliation.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Had Me over a barrel,

 

ONCE you tell the BW then you can view this whole last act as CLOSURE.

 

Send an anonymous letter to her. I wouldn't have RECEIVED a letter. WH was intercepting ALL my mail.

I'm glad OW forced WH to tell me that day or she would herself. SHE KNEW WHERE I lived.

 

The whole thing creeps me out.

 

Just send a letter. Make it as business looking as possible.

 

HMOB I GET IT. SOME MM (indeed OP) are highly manipulative people. Masters of manipulation.

Stop beating yourself up.

You stopped it.

 

You won't get "absolution" from BW necessarily who cares! It's all about YOU sleeping better at night.

YOU knowing you did the RIGHT thing.

 

Truth may hurt some people but others like me BASK IN THE TRUTH.

 

THANK G** for the OW who burst that rotten egg open.

HE STUNK lol.

 

ExWH was CONSTANTLY telling me how much he loved me and the kids.

How he'd NEVER cheat! NEVER.

 

Liar. Pure bare faced lies. He still lies through his teeth now. No surprises there!

At least NOW I KNOW WH for what he really is.

 

Funny that OW1 was a Scripture teacher lol.

Didn't stop her pursuing and interacting with WH after she found out he was M.

I know how he did it.

Lead her up the garden path.

OW was future faking.

WH just went along with it.

 

Apparently SHE got "in too deep" yah reckon?

 

Anyway they're both homeless now.

Not together lol nope. He threw her under a fleet of buses.

Hated her. Mmmm.

 

Protect yourself.

Then expose.

Closure.

Healing.

 

LH

 

You, madam, are refreshing! If I knew MM's BS was like you I would hit her up on Facebook right now!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

BS here.

 

If you have been NC for the last 41 days just leave them alone. You are not part of their family, you are not friends with the W, and you are not looking out for her. Contacting her is just inserting yourself into her life once again.

 

I HATE when people say send proof. I would be devastated if the OW had sent me copies of all her text messages and emails with my husband. I wanted to be able to control what information I learned and how I learned it. I deliberately didn't ask my husband certain things because it would be to painful and would not benefit our reconciliation.

 

I've also considered this. I thought about PM'ing her on Facebook to ask her if she wants to know, and if so, how much would she want to know. I'm back and forth all day.

[Onlywhenitrains]

The choice is yours. It's a very individual decision.

 

My story is similar to yours as how I eventually found out he was not "separated" as he represented himself in the first month of our A, but rather he was living with his wife in allegedly sexless marriage. I found out early in the A, and I still went along including the PA. I own it. It was wrong, and I shouldn't continued with it.

 

I don't think I'd ever be able to do it and tell her. I still have a lot of guilt for interfering with her family. Somehow, it seems that I'd feel even more guilty by telling her, which sounds somehow selfish. Yes, if I were in her shoes of course I'd wanna know. But, that's me. Not her. And, I don't know where she stands when it comes to that.

 

From everything I read about affairs they seem to start because:

 

WS is in dysfunctional marriage in some way or WS has some sort of personality dysfunction or weak boundaries or all of that together

OW is MOW with some sort of dysfunctional marriage and has weak boundaries, or all of that together

OW is single, lonely, has self-esteem issues, combined with weak boundaries

 

All of them are rug-sweeping their real problems, in complete denial about those issues, and consequently refusing to deal with them head on. So, they enter the world of A fog, limerence, fantasy world, amazing never felt before connections, and in a lot of cases off-the-charts amazing sex. Until it all comes chrashing down on you one day.

 

I chose to focus on myself, my own issues, my own life, my own desires of who I was before the A, who I am now, and who I want to be. And, telling her is not something I want to do.

 

But, that's me. You have to find your own voice and truth in this. And, I hope that choice gives you peace. Without any regrets.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Oh yes absolutely

 

Here are some hallmark examples of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (My WH checks the mark on every one and has been diagnosed):

 

1. Conversation Hoarder. The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

 

2. Conversation Interrupter. While many people have the poor communication habit of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself. He shows little genuine interest in you.

 

3. Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.

 

4. Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.

 

5. False Image Projection. Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self. These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated. The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am—I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

 

6. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.

 

7. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.

 

8. Grandiose Personality. Thinking of oneself as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.

 

Thank you for posting this. Would you put it in the context of your personal experiences (if you are comfortable and feel free to PM)? What you have written here is in line with what I've been learning about narcissism. What confuses me is that some things here don't exactly fit my MM. For example, rather than hog conversations, I struggled to get him to talk about anything meaningful...just drips and drops. He said he enjoyed my long emails about what was going on in my life and found them stimulating. Seemed like he enjoyed peering into my life but kept me at a distance with details of his life with some exceptions. I would say he is entitled, charming and very manipulative. He would talk about manipulating family members (without using the word manipulation) to get money. I'm seeking actual examples from you to compare behaviors/words of your H w/my MM because some days I think he's narc and other days I'm not sure. Ultimately trying to figure it out to understand the dynamic within me that attracts that. From this experience, I now realize with certainty my mom is narc (my IC counselor confirmed) and that made me become especially empathetic, which attracts narcs and the like. As I explore these dynamics in relationship to my own behaviors, I'm learning how to avoid these situations in future.

[Bambi1234]

I told anonymously and I got a whole bunch of crazy back. I understand hurt makes us do some really strange things sometimes... denial isn't just a river in Egypt either. I don't actually know how I would react if I were her! I believed all his lies too so its not so hard to understand that she would believe him over some stranger.

 

She knows who I am and that I'm in a position of public authority although at the time I felt I was doing the right thing now I'm not so sure. I hope one day she'll reach out to me and we can talk but I'm not sure she will ever contact me because she would have to see her husband as I do - a lying, manipulative coward. In the mean time, I watch my back from both of them. Time heals all wounds, lovely.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

The choice is yours. It's a very individual decision.

 

My story is similar to yours as how I eventually found out he was not "separated" as he represented himself in the first month of our A, but rather he was living with his wife in allegedly sexless marriage. I found out early in the A, and I still went along including the PA. I own it. It was wrong, and I shouldn't continued with it.

 

I don't think I'd ever be able to do it and tell her. I still have a lot of guilt for interfering with her family. Somehow, it seems that I'd feel even more guilty by telling her, which sounds somehow selfish. Yes, if I were in her shoes of course I'd wanna know. But, that's me. Not her. And, I don't know where she stands when it comes to that.

 

From everything I read about affairs they seem to start because:

 

WS is in dysfunctional marriage in some way or WS has some sort of personality dysfunction or weak boundaries or all of that together

OW is MOW with some sort of dysfunctional marriage and has weak boundaries, or all of that together

OW is single, lonely, has self-esteem issues, combined with weak boundaries

 

All of them are rug-sweeping their real problems, in complete denial about those issues, and consequently refusing to deal with them head on. So, they enter the world of A fog, limerence, fantasy world, amazing never felt before connections, and in a lot of cases off-the-charts amazing sex. Until it all comes chrashing down on you one day.

 

I chose to focus on myself, my own issues, my own life, my own desires of who I was before the A, who I am now, and who I want to be. And, telling her is not something I want to do.

 

But, that's me. You have to find your own voice and truth in this. And, I hope that choice gives you peace. Without any regrets.

 

Thank you. Good stuff! First paragraph pretty much identical. Mine said he only went "home" on weekends but then said he moved back home for daughter about 2 months into A. Now I think maybe he was always living at home but wanted me to believe he wasn't.

 

If I were a BS, I would want to know, too.

 

I think your reasons for start of A's are on target. With single OW though I don't believe I have self-esteem issues and I did ask my counselor about this in one of my recent sessions because I read online that is a cause for OW engaging in A. My counselor agreed that my self-esteem is good. I was under lots of stress, but really I just had this feeling of connection with him like I'd never before experienced within weeks. In fact, I actually thought he was the one within a couple weeks before I knew he was married. First time I ever thought that so quickly and only third guy I've considered as a possibility in 25 years.

 

I love what you wrote in the bolded text. That's the lemonade from the lemons I think.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I told anonymously and I got a whole bunch of crazy back. I understand hurt makes us do some really strange things sometimes... denial isn't just a river in Egypt either. I don't actually know how I would react if I were her! I believed all his lies too so its not so hard to understand that she would believe him over some stranger.

 

She knows who I am and that I'm in a position of public authority although at the time I felt I was doing the right thing now I'm not so sure. I hope one day she'll reach out to me and we can talk but I'm not sure she will ever contact me because she would have to see her husband as I do - a lying, manipulative coward. In the mean time, I watch my back from both of them. Time heals all wounds, lovely.

 

What you wrote...EXACTLY! I have also thought: I'm pretty smart and he managed to have me over a barrel. I was totally smitten and had him high on a pedestal! I also have about 25 years of experience dating so I've seen a few things here and there...busted cheating boyfriends, etc. His BW, on the other hand, has been exposed to his conditioning for 30 years and married him in her early 20's so I think there's a good chance she would relegate me to crazy while he is placed higher on her pedestal (he probably knows exactly how to manipulate her with ease). Days ago she posted pictures from a couple years ago of her kissing his face adoringly. It's seeing stuff like that that makes me feel for her...thinking she must be deceived. But also true that ppl put a story of what they want the world to see on Facebook, so who knows the truth but them? Watching your back...yes, not having to worry about that is a luxury I currently enjoy--she does not know me and he has no motivation to hurt me outside of A. Sorry you have to deal with that--difficult to live in a state of peace with that in the back of your mind.

[Bambi1234]

As time goes on I'm hoping that they will leave me alone... they have as much to lose as I do. Telling anyone that might harm me means admitting to others what her husband did and anyone that knows me knows that this is not a situation that I would intentionally create.

 

Gaslighting is definitely real, if they can do it to us than they definitely do it BW's too. Having an affair takes a lot of energy, there has to be some 'payoff' that he was getting from his relationship too. I remember in my early twenties I was in a relationship where my boyfriend cheated on me. I was DEVASTATED and ran through all the justifications and rationalizations - he was depressed, I wasn't loving enough, he was a sex addict, he was scared of love - I remember sending him articles from the internet (I'm mortified now) regarding commitment phobia. I was sure that I could fix him and that my love would be enough. In reality, he just didn't really care about me that much and was pretty much a selfish jerk.

Check out Chumplady.com or google the magical reconciliation pixie.

 

Only you can know if telling her is the right thing for you - do it for you if it brings you closure.

[seren]

If you decide to tell her then please, please do not do it by sending a heap of emails or photographs. I know some advocate doing this, but put yourself in her position. Imagine finding out that your husband was having an affair by opening an envelope and all of it spills out, it is hard enough to get your head around an affair without having it all in front of you in one awful moment. My H told me of his affair before anyone else, after some weeks the OW sent me an envelop with emails, photos etc and I burned them without looking. That he had an A was enough, I didn't need all the details.

 

I would tell him he has X amount of time to do it before sending an email letting her know that you are prepared to answer her questions on a one time only basis. You cannot undo the damage of an affair, but you can limit the mind movies for her for a lifetime. I knew someone who opened an envelope of 'evidence' on the morning of her mother's funeral another who had her children with her when she opened the envelope. I never understand the need to shove everything into the BS face, we have done nothing other than love and trust our husband's, an affair is one of the most hurtful things ever.

 

I also wonder why so many AP's decide to tell for the good of the BS, sorry that doesn't cut it with me. If the BS's feelings were of importance then the AP wouldn't enable their hurt by having an A in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

Hello. I'm a little nervous about posting this here, but I really want to hear from BS's and MM's on this. I got caught up in a one year EA with some PA (I refused intercourse because he's married but he tried to get that early on and was very explicitly sexual in his communications throughout including pictures--most recently saying he'd like to F me in front of his wife to show her how it's done). He told me I'm his third or fourth OW. (I suspect more though) After months of being in pain from his push/pull, etc., I finally got the strength to go NC--I basically ghosted him.

 

From her Facebook, she seems totally oblivious to his philandering ways...almost like she lives in this rosy, fantasy world of spirituality and lovey dovey family life with perfect husband.

I've been thinking about anonymously letting his BS know of his WS ways. I've been examining my motivations for doing this. To be very honest, here are my reasons so far:

 

1. She deserves to know he is deceiving her. She deserves someone to love her authentically.

2. I am angry that he pursued me, deceived me, and I had to find out on my own that he is married after I already developed an emotional connection with him.

3. I'm hoping to shake him up to the point he will hesitate before taking advantage of more women...conduct himself with integrity inside and outside his marriage!

 

I've been thinking of mailing her a card advising her that her husband has betrayed her many times over, to get good IC, and to get STD tested.

 

I keep flip flopping on this. Part of me wants to disclose for reasons above and another part of me wants to let sleeping dogs lie, be grateful I've maintained NC for over a month, and move on with my own life.

 

Tell or not tell? Suggestions in going about it if I do?

 

No, if you tell her, OWN your part in having an affair with her husband. YOU knew he was married, he didn't lie to you about that. Apologize to her about your part in helping her husband betray and hurt her, let her know that you will answer any questions she may want to ask you, be honest and tell her your side of things if she is willing to listen. You can't drop a bomb like that into her life and send an annoymous note then disappear. You are a grown woman and need to take responsibility for your part in this, you can't just put it all on him making him the bad guy here. It takes two to have an affair.