OW considering outing MM looking for BS/MM thoughts

[whichwayisup]

I've also considered this. I thought about PM'ing her on Facebook to ask her if she wants to know, and if so, how much would she want to know. I'm back and forth all day.

 

You can't be wishy washy and indecisive. Either tell her everything or stay out of her life and his, move on and don't look back. It's not fair to her to dangle a carrot like that, it's messing with someone's life. Not cool.

[whichwayisup]

" dear Mrs. (her last name),

I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your husband has been cheating with me. I'm sorry for the role I played hurting you, as that was never my intention. he lied to me from the outset by saying he was not married.

 

I have attached evidence to this email so that you can see I am being truthful. He's also told me that I am not his first ow, and I felt you needed to be able to protect yourself.

 

Again, i am so sorry fro the pain this may(GET RID OF MAY AND ADD IN THE PAIN WE PUT YOU THROUGH) put you through. If you have any questions, you can contact me at ( include a web based email, such as gmail, that you've created just for this purpose). I will try to answer them as best as I can."

 

It takes ownership,without opening yourself up for abuse, and supplies evidence as well.

 

see bolded and italic. Using the word may is like saying I'm sorry IF I hurt you. Hope that makes sense.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You can't be wishy washy and indecisive. Either tell her everything or stay out of her life and his, move on and don't look back. It's not fair to her to dangle a carrot like that, it's messing with someone's life. Not cool.

 

This is not about dangling a carrot. It's about giving her the choice about knowing and how much she wants to know. She could say go to h3ll--don't tell me anything. She could say I want to see all the evidence. It would be her choice. IMO there is nothing more powerful than choice and truth, and I'd be giving her both.

[gettingstronger]

Tell her in any manner, with or without proof- whatever, just tell her and then walk away clean and never interfere in their lives again-

(from a BS that would want to know, but would want to be left to my own decisions after that)

[aileD]

[]

 

IF YOU DIDNT CARE ABOUT THE BS'S FEELINGS/SAFETY/CHOICES WHILE YOU WERE HAVING THE AFFAIR, THEN DONT GET ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY AND INSERT YOURSELF INTO THEIR LIVES YET AGAIN. YOU ARENT DOING THIS OUT OF JUSTICE AND HONOR. YOURE DOING IT BECAUSE SOMETHING IN YOU LIKES THE DRAMA/WANTS TO BE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN/HOPES SHE WILL LEAVE HIM.

 

YOU DAMAGED HER ENOUGH ALREADY. LEAVE THEM ALONE . GO FIND YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP TO BE A PART OF sO YOU CAN MAKE DECISIONS.. THIS ONE ISNT YOURS.

 

All caps because I'm frustrated at all the talk back and forth about all this when none of it matters now. Affair is over. Get on with your life. Stop trying to prolong it.

Edited October 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[imperfectangel]

Alied some are trying to do the right thing now. Yes mistakes were made but some like to put those mistakes right. You know what it's like to be betrayed more than once and some are trying to prevent that from happening to the BS' in their situations.

 

For me I will not be disclosing. My affair was extremely long term and suicide is a real concern for me.

[aileD]

Alied some are trying to do the right thing now. Yes mistakes were made but some like to put those mistakes right. You know what it's like to be betrayed more than once and some are trying to prevent that from happening to the BS' in their situations.

 

For me I will not be disclosing. My affair was extremely long term and suicide is a real concern for me.

 

My problem is no one ever wants to do the right thing while they are having the affair. It's always after they're dumped that the conscience grows.

 

Suicide is a real concern for everyone. No one knows what could happen. Yes, I was a BS twice over. I'm glad I know (H confessed, I caught second one). But, what if I didn't want to know? It's OVER. Nothin can be done now. It's his responsibility to tell her. Not the xOW.....it's just inserting herself back into his life when it was already over. Let them MOVE ON.

[aileD]

If you're still IN the affair then it IS your business and it affects YOU...tell her, tell his boss, tell everyone.

 

But if you're out of the relationship, it's none of your darn business anymore.

 

(I mean "you" as a collective in these posts, not one particular OW)

[imperfectangel]

Who said the ow was dumped? I finished it with my mm as do many other ow. I agree it's over move on etc which is what I'm doing but some people want to put their wrongs right.

 

Some are driven by revenge yes and don't want to see mm get a free pass jail card. If a bs doesn't find out mm gets to carry on as if nothing ever happened while the ow is left in peices to put her life back together. I'm not the revenge type but I can understand why some are or why some want to let the bs know what a pos Bette involved with, and no not all bs' "know"

[Maddieandtae]

I get the frustration on why the conscious appears after an affair is over. I was a betrayed wife with two young kids. So many people knew and not one person gave me confirmation that I wasn't loosing my mind. Of course my ex-husband should have been the one to tell me and he eventually did, just to bad that he blamed me for his affair! I handled my actions from that point on very badly. I was very angry and a few years on had an affair. It was a very tumultuous time and I did leave my husband after three months being in an affair. My affair partner cheated on our relationship as well so the cycle repeated. Affairs need to be stopped in their tracks and all involved need to know what is going on in their life's without their knowledge! I feel I deserved what my outcome was from my poor behaviour and I will never treat an relationship with disrespect again:(

[aileD]

Who said the ow was dumped? I finished it with my mm as do many other ow. I agree it's over move on etc which is what I'm doing but some people want to put their wrongs right

 

Yes, this is true. Not all OW are dumped. I should have worded this differently. But a lot of OW that chose to end the affair do so because the MM won't leave his wife....which is kind of the same feeling as being dumped which can cause feelings of anger and hurt and wanting revenge

 

No one should ever do anything out of revenge or because they want to hurt someone else because they were hurt. Spend the time on you and healing yourself. You stepped out of the affair for a reason, don't put yourself back in the middle of the drama because you're burned. Go be healthy for yourself and work on you.

 

(Again "you" is any oW)

[aileD]

I'm a BS in reconciliation. I challenge the OWs to think of it from the other way around where it puts YOU in the position of being outed after you ended the affair.

 

My husbands xOW hurt me. I'm not going to take it out on my husband because...well...we are trying to reconcile and that wouldn't help.

 

Maybe I should go tell her boss? Her friends? Her family? Then next guy she gets involved with? The wives of her two other MM before mine? The next MMS wife?

 

Would that be a good ideal? I mean people should know what she's done so they can make the choice to stay away from her, get std tests after being with her. And not let their husbands around her...Right?

 

No. SHE IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS ANYMORE. She's out of my life. Doing all that would only bring her back in and how healthy would that be?

 

revenge would take over my life instead of my reconciliation taking over my life.

 

 

OWs...if the affair is over---let it go. Go work on yourself. They're not your concern anymore. You have more important things to focus on.

[Joie]

I believe that one of the reasons so many BS get angry with the OW beyond the obvious is this idea that the BS and OW are equal. "I just thought I would tell you so that you could make a decision". The time to tell me was before you inserted yourself in my life not after.

 

I also dislike the idea of apologizing and owning the mistake after the fact. You want to own your mistake and let the wife know NOW. You want to do this to make yourself feel better. Once again not caring that you are destroying someone else.

 

(This is a general YOU).

[mizunomead]

as a former bs i would want to know. so i could make a decision as to whether or not i would want to continue my relationship with wayward spouse.

if i dont know i cant make a informed decision

[Grammie]

To tell her or not is your choice.

 

I really hate hearing OW say "how does the wife not know" or "does she pretend to the world his is a great husband" or "she knows but likes to pretend he isn't a cheater". WHY oh WHY do OW always say these things? It is almost like it is said in a hateful tone....like how can she be so stupid to not know; yet the OW always knows the MM is MARRIED (albeit I'm sure the majority of them claim it isn't a happy marriage, it is a sexless marriage, she doesn't "understand" him, the marriage was over long ago, they are just roommates, she has her own life and he has his own). Why does it matter to the OW what the wife does or doesn't know? How is that any of the OW's business? Isn't their "relationship" with the MM? Don't most OW "pretend" the wife doesn't exist anyway? So why the question of what she does and doesn't know?

 

For me, the answer to the question of "would I want to know" is how I would proceed. It just seems to me to be so fake because during the affair, the OW didn't want the wife to know, so now why would she want to tell her -- and if "to hurt him" is any part of the answer to that question, then I would just move on with my life and let it go.

[HappyAgain2014]

I believe that one of the reasons so many BS get angry with the OW beyond the obvious is this idea that the BS and OW are equal. "I just thought I would tell you so that you could make a decision". The time to tell me was before you inserted yourself in my life not after.

 

I also dislike the idea of apologizing and owning the mistake after the fact. You want to own your mistake and let the wife know NOW. You want to do this to make yourself feel better. Once again not caring that you are destroying someone else.

 

(This is a general YOU).

 

I disagree with this. Nothing about disclosing made me feel better. I knew I'd actually feel worse and I did. Still do but I deserve it.

 

It was about doing the right thing. She knew something was very wrong and he was denying an affair. She was blaming herself for his unhappiness.

 

Yes, I knew he was married. What I didn't know was how callous he would become and how much pleasure he would derive from the control he believed he had over the situation. That included me and his wife but at least I knew. I could make choices. His wife was denied that choice.

 

I owned my part. I'll never have another affair. I'll never have contact with her husband. I know my motives and also know it was the right decision by her reaction. Not everyone's situation results in violence and drama.

[ChickiePops]

I disagree with this. Nothing about disclosing made me feel better. I knew I'd actually feel worse and I did. Still do but I deserve it.

 

It was about doing the right thing. She knew something was very wrong and he was denying an affair. She was blaming herself for his unhappiness.

 

Yes, I knew he was married. What I didn't know was how callous he would become and how much pleasure he would derive from the control he believed he had over the situation. That included me and his wife but at least I knew. I could make choices. His wife was denied that choice.

 

I owned my part. I'll never have another affair. I'll never have contact with her husband. I know my motives and also know it was the right decision by her reaction. Not everyone's situation results in violence and drama.

 

This is a great post. You truly understand and you clearly have true empathy. Seriously, good for you sweetheart..I wish you all the best.

[SummerDreams]

I bet the wife knows. A person can't be that different in front of his wife and with other people. She probably knows her husband is not an angel but she chooses to ignore it (unless she is really stupid and lives in a fantasy world).

[winterkeep]

You can't see things from his wife's perspective so you can't assume what she knows or how she'll react following disclosure, this means that your decision comes down to you, your principles and understanding of their M.

 

It really is hard as I see both sides of the argument, yes she absolutely has a right to know in order to make an informed decision, but; no she does not deserve to have her life ripped apart for the sake of vengeance.

 

You can't guess if she is the sort of woman who would want to know or the sort who would prefer not to so your intentions are going to have to guide you in this.

 

Act from your principles and not from your emotions and you'll make the right decision for you; you can't guess what the right decision for her would be.

[basil67]

I'll be honest. If an OW came to me to tell me about my husband, I'd probably shoot the messenger.

[wmacbride]

I bet the wife knows. A person can't be that different in front of his wife and with other people. She probably knows her husband is not an angel but she chooses to ignore it (unless she is really stupid and lives in a fantasy world).

 

The husband or wife may well know something is wrong. they may even suspect an affair, but if they ask their spouse about it, he conversation may well go something like :

 

"John, for a while now, it feels like something is up. I'm not accusing you of anything, but what's wrong"?

 

To which john snaps back that he's okay, why is she so suspicious, why is she nagging at him, why is is she being such a horrible person, why doesn't she trust him, how dare she accuse him,. etc., etc., etc.

 

It's called gas lighting, and it's really common. The situation gets turned around so that the bs ens up feeling guilty and the ws feels sanctimonious because even though he's cheating, how dare his bs accuse him of it.

 

It may boggle the mind, but it happens all the time.

[SummerDreams]

The husband or wife may well know something is wrong. they may even suspect an affair, but if they ask their spouse about it, he conversation may well go something like :

 

"John, for a while now, it feels like something is up. I'm not accusing you of anything, but what's wrong"?

 

To which john snaps back that he's okay, why is she so suspicious, why is she nagging at him, why is is she being such a horrible person, why doesn't she trust him, how dare she accuse him,. etc., etc., etc.

 

It's called gas lighting, and it's really common. The situation gets turned around so that the bs ens up feeling guilty and the ws feels sanctimonious because even though he's cheating, how dare his bs accuse him of it.

 

It may boggle the mind, but it happens all the time.

 

I strongly believe that people always know the truth, the fairness, the goodness but they choose to ignore it or not go with it. Especially for the hypothetical couple we are talking about, a woman who has married a man knows when this man is honest or not, or she should at least have known him that much before marrying him. If she doesn't, well, it's her fault. I strongly believe mayny women know when their husband is cheating but they choose to do nothing about it for their own reasons. And I don't blame them, I'd do the same thing. Why ruin my marriage, my good life, my social circle, my comfort for just sex? If the husband chooses to come back home to his wife every night, it means his heart is with her. I know this is not a popular opinion, but I don't consider sex as important as other people I guess that's why I could easily forgive an extramarital sexual relationship. If it were me, I'd prefer to not know tbh.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

[]

 

IF YOU DIDNT CARE ABOUT THE BS'S FEELINGS/SAFETY/CHOICES WHILE YOU WERE HAVING THE AFFAIR, THEN DONT GET ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY AND INSERT YOURSELF INTO THEIR LIVES YET AGAIN. YOU ARENT DOING THIS OUT OF JUSTICE AND HONOR. YOURE DOING IT BECAUSE SOMETHING IN YOU LIKES THE DRAMA/WANTS TO BE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN/HOPES SHE WILL LEAVE HIM.

 

YOU DAMAGED HER ENOUGH ALREADY. LEAVE THEM ALONE . GO FIND YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP TO BE A PART OF sO YOU CAN MAKE DECISIONS.. THIS ONE ISNT YOURS.

 

All caps because I'm frustrated at all the talk back and forth about all this when none of it matters now. Affair is over. Get on with your life. Stop trying to prolong it.

 

I am not trying to prolong the drama. If I wanted drama, I would have shown up at her doorstep long ago, so don't be silly. In fact, not inviting drama is the main reason I would not tell her. My life would be far less complicated without her knowing. I have been examining the motivations. It would certainly make my life waaaaaaaaay easier to let it be. I'm just examining if she should know for her own good. Maybe she prefers ignorance is bliss. Maybe she'll contract an std if I don't tell her. I would want to know if I were BS because I would not be cool living with being deceived. Not every BS would share that outlook perhaps, but an overwhelming majority have said to tell her, including chumplady.com btw. If there is much discussion about this by so many people, it must be important to so many people, and good for everyone to explore it. I'm on with my life, Aile. I hardly care anything at all about MM at this point...coming to recognize he has some sort of personality disorder besides being a serial cheater...hardly a prize! In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's already on to his next target. I hope you can get on with your life too! BC you've been doling out the whippings to OW (plural) on LS for quite a while now! You are projecting "high and mighty" on to me. There is nothing high and mighty about being an affair partner need I remind you. I hope she leaves him so she can find someone to love and appreciate her without deception. She's in her early 50's so she is at a good age to find that. She might choose to stay and put up with the nonsense, but at least she will have chosen the nonsense. From what I've seen, once MM's are outed, OW are firmly out of the picture, so there's no logic in hoping he'd come to me once I betray his confidence. I actually would more expect him to seek revenge on me, and he would be in a position to do it. Here's the thing, Aile, I am smart, beautiful, successful, independent, and have never had any problems attracting positive attention from men (I prefer the SINGLE ones). I am sooooooooooooooooo over MM at this point for the way he treated me and all that it cost me--with deceit, manipulation, disrespect, disregard. Please stop projecting on me. I'm searching myself for whether I believe I owe some responsibility to his wife in telling her...period! I would like to think that he would get a wake up call (doubtful) so there would be justice, but moreover I wish I could keep future other women who unwittingly get caught in his web (doubtful unless his wife gave him something to think about). Everyone deserves a voice!!!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Yes, this is true. Not all OW are dumped. I should have worded this differently. But a lot of OW that chose to end the affair do so because the MM won't leave his wife....which is kind of the same feeling as being dumped which can cause feelings of anger and hurt and wanting revenge

 

No one should ever do anything out of revenge or because they want to hurt someone else because they were hurt. Spend the time on you and healing yourself. You stepped out of the affair for a reason, don't put yourself back in the middle of the drama because you're burned. Go be healthy for yourself and work on you.

 

(Again "you" is any oW)

 

I was not dumped at all. If you read the thread, you would see that I went NC no warning, and MM wanted to continue this thing ad naseum. I wanted out sooner but was too emotionally wrapped into it to be able to exit sooner. When he blew off my birthday, that is what gave me the perspective to begin my exit, especially when I saw how he handled birthday after I told him it hurt me. I also told him our arrangement was painful for me a few times after that, and he would say he didn't want me to be in pain but didn't want to give me up. In other words, I'm going to eat my cake for as long as you let me regardless of who it hurts. Those things are what fueled me to exit, because I know I deserve better and will find better. Now just asking myself if I have a responsibility to BW. I only get one shot at this. Maybe I'll be a BW some day and look back and wish I had said something. I have to be able to close this last thing with thoughtful consideration of which way I will go with it. Would you have preferred to live in a sham marriage being deceived? Her WH told me he had no plans to tell anyone of his WS behavior and he does not want to change his life--it would upset his life too much. That is the main reason he does what he does--stay in marriage and eat cake.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'll be honest. If an OW came to me to tell me about my husband, I'd probably shoot the messenger.

 

LOL--in a friendly way. See, that is the sort of thing that would make me NOT tell her!

 

I think if I were BS, I'd want to know though, even if I had to find out from OW. I would not be ok with the person I trust most continuing to deceive me behind my back.