OW considering outing MM looking for BS/MM thoughts

[MJJean]

I wouldn't care a bit about who told me or their motivation for telling me, I'd just want to know.

[ChickiePops]

I strongly believe that people always know the truth, the fairness, the goodness but they choose to ignore it or not go with it. Especially for the hypothetical couple we are talking about, a woman who has married a man knows when this man is honest or not, or she should at least have known him that much before marrying him. If she doesn't, well, it's her fault. I strongly believe mayny women know when their husband is cheating but they choose to do nothing about it for their own reasons. And I don't blame them, I'd do the same thing. Why ruin my marriage, my good life, my social circle, my comfort for just sex? If the husband chooses to come back home to his wife every night, it means his heart is with her. I know this is not a popular opinion, but I don't consider sex as important as other people I guess that's why I could easily forgive an extramarital sexual relationship. If it were me, I'd prefer to not know tbh.

 

You can believe anything you want but that doesn't make you correct. People used to believe the world was flat too.

 

You don't know what goes on in other people's heads. Or in their marriages for that matter.

 

Guess what? You've been lied to too. People lie all the time.

 

And your theory that people know everything about each other before they get married cracks me up. Complete and utter nonsense. 2 weeks ago my neighbor strangled and shot his 24 year old wife and then shot himself in the head. If you truly believe she knew that was coming then there's a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you for half price.

[aileD]

I can agree to disagree and I'm not trying to be high and mighty.

 

I just feel like if you're as over it as you say you are then you wouldnt be in his or her life at all and you'd be moving on away from this.

 

I'm not putting you down as a person at all. Im sure you are beautiful and smart and I applaud you for having the guts to end it yourself instead of doing the push and pull with him for years.

 

I'm just saying that you should be focused on you and not what's best for the wife of your ex affair partner. If you are truly moving on then move on.

 

I do wish you the best

[aileD]

Also if you read my posts I said twice "you"!was a collective "you"....not you personally.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I can agree to disagree and I'm not trying to be high and mighty.

 

I just feel like if you're as over it as you say you are then you wouldnt be in his or her life at all and you'd be moving on away from this.

 

I'm not putting you down as a person at all. Im sure you are beautiful and smart and I applaud you for having the guts to end it yourself instead of doing the push and pull with him for years.

 

I'm just saying that you should be focused on you and not what's best for the wife of your ex affair partner. If you are truly moving on then move on.

 

I do wish you the best

 

Thank you for replying back, AileD. I did not call you high and mighty; rather I asked you didn't call me high and mighty. I'm just wrapping up the last bits of it. I'm over wanting MM. The me part of it about telling her is not having regrets about that later...because I want this to be a completely distant memory once all is said and done with no "what ifs" about any single aspect of it.

[wmacbride]

I strongly believe that people always know the truth, the fairness, the goodness but they choose to ignore it or not go with it. Especially for the hypothetical couple we are talking about, a woman who has married a man knows when this man is honest or not, or she should at least have known him that much before marrying him. If she doesn't, well, it's her fault. I strongly believe mayny women know when their husband is cheating but they choose to do nothing about it for their own reasons. And I don't blame them, I'd do the same thing. Why ruin my marriage, my good life, my social circle, my comfort for just sex? If the husband chooses to come back home to his wife every night, it means his heart is with her. I know this is not a popular opinion, but I don't consider sex as important as other people I guess that's why I could easily forgive an extramarital sexual relationship. If it were me, I'd prefer to not know tbh.

 

 

fair enough.maybe, for selfish reasons, you would accept cheating , but many bs wouldn't.

[dreamingoftigers]

[]

 

IF YOU DIDNT CARE ABOUT THE BS'S FEELINGS/SAFETY/CHOICES WHILE YOU WERE HAVING THE AFFAIR, THEN DONT GET ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY AND INSERT YOURSELF INTO THEIR LIVES YET AGAIN. YOU ARENT DOING THIS OUT OF JUSTICE AND HONOR. YOURE DOING IT BECAUSE SOMETHING IN YOU LIKES THE DRAMA/WANTS TO BE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN/HOPES SHE WILL LEAVE HIM.

 

YOU DAMAGED HER ENOUGH ALREADY. LEAVE THEM ALONE . GO FIND YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP TO BE A PART OF sO YOU CAN MAKE DECISIONS.. THIS ONE ISNT YOURS.

 

All caps because I'm frustrated at all the talk back and forth about all this when none of it matters now. Affair is over. Get on with your life. Stop trying to prolong it.

 

I find this to be crap.

 

I waited EIGHT YEARS to find out the truth from my husband and it turned out he risked my health and DID NOT get tested afterward.

 

It's only right to reveal the affair. Sorry to any BS who wants to "rug-sweep" and go back to denial.

 

98% of us WANT THE TRUTH and don't want to end up with a permanent STD or even risk DYING because our WS couldn't keep his dick to himself.

 

It's pretty basic really.

 

I don't want to split my retirement or waste my life with a coward who is investing his dick, dime or time into someone else.

[dreamingoftigers]

My problem is no one ever wants to do the right thing while they are having the affair. It's always after they're dumped that the conscience grows.

 

Suicide is a real concern for everyone. No one knows what could happen. Yes, I was a BS twice over. I'm glad I know (H confessed, I caught second one). But, what if I didn't want to know? It's OVER. Nothin can be done now. It's his responsibility to tell her. Not the xOW.....it's just inserting herself back into his life when it was already over. Let them MOVE ON.

 

She dumped him because she had a conscience.

 

Meanwhile the BS's sociopath husband is trainwtecking her life.

[dreamingoftigers]

I bet the wife knows. A person can't be that different in front of his wife and with other people. She probably knows her husband is not an angel but she chooses to ignore it (unless she is really stupid and lives in a fantasy world).

 

Well, I guess I'm pretty damn stupid eh?

 

And my mother, together with my father for 40+ years must be pretty stupid too.

 

We didn't "know" our husbands were scumbags. Yet here we both stand. Both blindsided by it.

 

And frankly, so what if the wife is "stupid"? It's okay for " stupid" people to get abused and cheated on?

 

We should just pull out the popcorn, sit back, and watch?

[dreamingoftigers]

I strongly believe that people always know the truth, the fairness, the goodness but they choose to ignore it or not go with it. Especially for the hypothetical couple we are talking about, a woman who has married a man knows when this man is honest or not, or she should at least have known him that much before marrying him. If she doesn't, well, it's her fault. I strongly believe mayny women know when their husband is cheating but they choose to do nothing about it for their own reasons. And I don't blame them, I'd do the same thing. Why ruin my marriage, my good life, my social circle, my comfort for just sex? If the husband chooses to come back home to his wife every night, it means his heart is with her. I know this is not a popular opinion, but I don't consider sex as important as other people I guess that's why I could easily forgive an extramarital sexual relationship. If it were me, I'd prefer to not know tbh.

 

 

Spoken like a single person that never suffered a betrayal.....

 

 

By the way, the primary reason I married my husband was because he WAS HONEST. His actions matched his words.

 

The irony. Oh the irony.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for replying back, AileD. I did not call you high and mighty; rather I asked you didn't call me high and mighty. I'm just wrapping up the last bits of it. I'm over wanting MM. The me part of it about telling her is not having regrets about that later...because I want this to be a completely distant memory once all is said and done with no "what ifs" about any single aspect of it.

 

Well, that really sucks for the BW and her devious husband.

[introverted1]

IMO, the only morally defensible choices now are

 

• Tell her directly, i.e., providing your identity and offering to provide proof and/or answer questions, if desired
   
  
• Do nothing
  

 

But the idea of telling her anonymously seems completely morally vacant: it punishes your xMM, brings the BS's world crashing down, but conveniently leaves you untarnished.

 

Of course, there's nothing to say xMM wouldn't gaslight you anyway, by implying that he knows the source of the anonymous info must be that crazy woman HMOB, who has been chasing him for ages and wouldn't take no for an answer.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I find this to be crap.

 

I waited EIGHT YEARS to find out the truth from my husband and it turned out he risked my health and DID NOT get tested afterward.

 

It's only right to reveal the affair. Sorry to any BS who wants to "rug-sweep" and go back to denial.

 

98% of us WANT THE TRUTH and don't want to end up with a permanent STD or even risk DYING because our WS couldn't keep his dick to himself.

 

It's pretty basic really.

 

I don't want to split my retirement or waste my life with a coward who is investing his dick, dime or time into someone else.

 

DOT, thank you for posting this. This is in response to the same post DOT is replying to. I meant to add, but got sidetracked, that when an OW's emotions are engaged in A, OW is not thinking clearly. That means logic and values go out the window. Love is a basic human need. When an OW believes that she is getting it, all kinds of deluded thoughts (they are roommates, BW doesn't treat him well, etc) creep in to justify so that OW continues in A (and that is encouraged by WH as everyone here knows)! I believe this is cognizant dissonance, right? (Boy, I have learned a ton on LS!!!) So OW isn't in her right mind during A. OW (like me) may be the type of person to risk injury to herself to protect another, but in the context of A, acts out of her usual norm. Not any excuse, but an explanation. It's like a starving person stealing steak from the grocery store. The starving person is wrong to do it, but at the time they are just thinking they are hungry and need food. I really thought there was something magically special between me and MM, but now that my eyes are open (and now I see I was not exempt from his deceit and manipulation), I'm back to the person who is concerned for others like his wife. That is why I think some OW with conscious are able to carry on in A like they don't care for BW, but once awakened, the sympathy hits OW...IMO. I got played...so did she! I know about it, but does she know? Does she want to know?

Edited October 30, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[JewelD]

DOT, thank you for posting this. I meant to add, but got sidetracked, that when an OW's emotions are engaged in A, OW is not thinking clearly. That means logic and values go out the window. Love is a basic human need. When an OW believes that she is getting it, all kinds of deluded thoughts (they are roommates, BW doesn't treat him well, etc) creep in to justify so that OW continues in A (and that is encouraged by WH as everyone here knows)! I believe this is cognizant dissonance, right? (Boy, I have learned a ton on LS!!!) So OW isn't in her right mind during A. OW (like me) may be the type of person to risk injury to herself to protect another, but in the context of A, acts out of her usual norm. Not any excuse, but an explanation. It's like a starving person stealing steak from the grocery store. The starving person is wrong to do it, but at the time they are just thinking they are hungry and need food. I really thought there was something magically special between me and MM, but now that my eyes are open, I'm back to the person who is concerned for others like his wife. That is why I think some OW with conscious are able to carry on in A like they don't care for BW, but once awakened, the sympathy hits OW...IMO.

 

That's a horrible example. Food is necessary for survival. Dick is not. Especially when it's on somebody else's husband. No one would understand a starving person who walks past 100 free food signs just to go inside and steal some food from a store.

 

A better comparison would be two bank robbers. You go into the bank, draw your weapons and take the money. You run away happy about what you've done until you realize your partner is not going to give you your cut of the money. So since you're not getting a cut, now it's time to go back to the bank and turn your partner in.

 

But had you gotten your fair share of the loot, you wouldn't have said anything.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I find this to be crap.

I don't want to split my retirement or waste my life with a coward who is investing his dick, dime or time into someone else.

 

I am terrified of this! Probably why I've remained single for so long!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

That's a horrible example. Food is necessary for survival. Dick is not. Especially when it's on somebody else's husband. No one would understand a starving person who walks past 100 free food signs just to go inside and steal some food from a store.

 

A better comparison would be two bank robbers. You go into the bank, draw your weapons and take the money. You run away happy about what you've done until you realize your partner is not going to give you your cut of the money. So since you're not getting a cut, now it's time to go back to the bank and turn your partner in.

 

But had you gotten your fair share of the loot, you wouldn't have said anything.

 

I didn't say "dick," I said "love." I did not get his dick because I refused it (and thank God because I was on my way if I didn't stop when I did). I thought I got his love--I was giving mine. And love is a basic human need, although emotional rather than physical. Valid analogy. Lack of love is what creates psychopaths and the like--scientifically proven. No healthy person can exist without love. Regarding revenge, as in your bank robber analogy, I get much, much more satisfaction knowing that I ghosted him, which for a person like him is the most difficult thing to handle. If I betrayed his trust by outting him, he would be justified in thinking I'm a spiteful b*tch (and would take joy in casting me off), but as it now stands, he has to lick his ego wounds that I didn't even care enough to say goodbye while also wondering if I'm being occupied by another younger, more successful, available man who will give me what he wouldn't. See what better revenge that is? Plus I get to keep my life in tact. So telling BW is not for my benefit as it would likely create a lot of emotional and financial fall out for me as well; however, at the end of the day, I have to live with myself forever. So I have to do the right thing now and I'm trying to decide what that is.

Edited October 30, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[JewelD]

I didn't say "dick," I said "love." I did not get his dick because I refused it (and thank God because I was on my way if I didn't stop when I did). I thought I got his love--I was giving mine. And love is a basic human need, although emotional rather than physical. Valid analogy. Lack of love is what creates psychopaths and the like--scientifically proven. No healthy person can exist without love. Regarding revenge, as in your bank robber analogy, I get much, much more satisfaction knowing that I ghosted him, which for a person like him is the most difficult thing to handle. If I betrayed his trust by outting him, he would be justified in thinking I'm a spiteful b*tch (and would take joy in casting me off), but as it now stands, he has to lick his ego wounds that I didn't even care enough to say goodbye while also wondering if I'm being occupied by another younger, more successful, available man who will give me what he wouldn't. See what better revenge that is? Plus I get to keep my life in tact. So telling BW is not for my benefit as it would likely create a lot of emotional and financial fall out for me as well; however, at the end of the day, I have to live with myself forever. So I have to do the right thing now and I'm trying to decide what that is.

 

I'm just talking about OW in affairs in general. What people think is love is really more often than not just sex and someone to talk to. But if it came down to it, they wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice you for their own benefit.

 

You could have easily found 'love' or something like it from a single man. This married man wasn't the only option, that's why the starving man analogy sounds silly. We all need love, but not necessarily romantic love. Can you not live with just the love from a parent or a cat? Many people choose that life. Certainly better than resorting to someone else's husband. But that's another topic.

 

Anyway, the point is that had he given you his 'love', or your fair cut, you wouldn't have told. And that's clearly the truth because you didn't say anything while the affair was going on.

 

I doubt you're moving on if you're still checking his wife's facebook for updates. How does that impact your life or help your healing process exactly? And I imagine once you tell her, you'll still be checking it to see the aftermath.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm just talking about OW in affairs in general. What people think is love is really more often than not just sex and someone to talk to. But if it came down to it, they wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice you for their own benefit.

 

You could have easily found 'love' or something like it from a single man. This married man wasn't the only option, that's why the starving man analogy sounds silly. We all need love, but not necessarily romantic love. Can you not live with just the love from a parent or a cat? Many people choose that life. Certainly better than resorting to someone else's husband. But that's another topic.

 

Anyway, the point is that had he given you his 'love', or your fair cut, you wouldn't have told. And that's clearly the truth because you didn't say anything while the affair was going on.

 

I doubt you're moving on if you're still checking his wife's facebook for updates. How does that impact your life or help your healing process exactly? And I imagine once you tell her, you'll still be checking it to see the aftermath.

 

I get that you are generalizing, but you can't just generalize and assume facts based on generalizations. I have dated (with propriety and conservatively) many men in 25 years. What I felt with this man was the most intense connection of any man ever. Even two men who I truly loved in my lifetime romantically did not start out with the fireworks of attraction I felt with him. I disagree that I "could have easily found 'love' or something like it from a single man." I don't just fall in love with every warm body that walks by...that just sounds gross btw. I'm not interested in giving my time and energy to anyone for "something like it." I don't want any man who I don't have a sincere connection with...some people who fear being alone might but that is not me. After I discovered MM was married and confronted him, he told me he didn't disclose that he was married because he "was afraid I wouldn't speak with him." Correct! I had already developed a connection with him by then. I continued the connection because I thought it was super special. Generalize all you like. Of course you can get other sources of love, as I do. But really are you being realistic in your question? A parent or cat replaces the love of a man?...well, I guess for some it does or we wouldn't have the crazy cat lady cliche. I'm not trying to get sexy with my mom or cat!

 

I observe judgment and projection in your post, but it's cool. I'm well enough to handle it now. I don't think he gave me any love afterall. It was all about him. OH, and the post is whether TO tell, I have not ALREADY told. Wife's Facebook--it's like exposure therapy. It is painful and triggers me (less and less each time), but it's a solid reminder of the truth and a super reminder why he is not for me! My recovery is coming along swimmingly...thanks for asking!

[JewelD]

I get that you are generalizing, but you can't just generalize and assume facts based on generalizations. I have dated (with propriety and conservatively) many men in 25 years. What I felt with this man was the most intense connection of any man ever. Even two men who I truly loved in my lifetime romantically did not start out with the fireworks of attraction I felt with him. I disagree that I "could have easily found 'love' or something like it from a single man." I don't just fall in love with every warm body that walks by...that just sounds gross btw. I'm not interested in giving my time and energy to anyone for "something like it." I don't want any man who I don't have a sincere connection with...some people who fear being alone might but that is not me. After I discovered MM was married and confronted him, he told me he didn't disclose that he was married because he "was afraid I wouldn't speak with him." Correct! I had already developed a connection with him by then. I continued the connection because I thought it was super special. Generalize all you like. Of course you can get other sources of love, as I do. But really are you being realistic in your question? A parent or cat replaces the love of a man?...well, I guess for some it does or we wouldn't have the crazy cat lady cliche. I'm not trying to get sexy with my mom or cat!

 

I observe judgment and projection in your post, but it's cool. I'm well enough to handle it now. I don't think he gave me any love afterall. It was all about him. OH, and the post is whether TO tell, I have not ALREADY told. Wife's Facebook--it's like exposure therapy. It is painful and triggers me (less and less each time), but it's a solid reminder of the truth and a super reminder why he is not for me! My recovery is coming along swimmingly...thanks for asking!

 

You're so sensitive about your situation because you know it's all types of ****ed up. I was talking about affairs in general, but let's talk about you specifically since you obviously want to. This whole thread is just you trying to rationalize your decisions to make it seem like you had little choice in the matter. You're not a starving man, you're a lonely woman. Key difference.

 

You would not have died if you didn't have this affair. Are you being realistic comparing yourself to a starving man? And how you manage to fall in love with a married man before you even know he's married is sad. Did you even go to the man's house? Love takes time, and if you're actually getting to know people and not focusing on how you 'need a man', you would have figured that out quite quickly. You still could have stopped once you found out he was married, you chose not to. You felt there could be love with a man who lied about a HUGE detail about himself. So you're no different from OW who mess with men knowing they're married from the jump.

 

I'm not projecting anything, because I respect myself enough not to waste time fcking around with other people's husbands/boyfriends. I actually posted on here to share my general opinion as others were, but you took it personally because I hit a nerve. That's okay.

 

Staring at the wife's fb is therapy? LMFAO! No it's not, you're just being nosy and you want to see if they're happy or if they're miserable and he's going to come crawling back to you.

 

and although you asked the question, it's clear from your posts and the way you respond to people who say you should not tell, that you WANT to tell. So tell. and keep checking her fb to see what happens.

 

You could have yourself a new cat and a new single man, but you're wrapped up in their lives like you're their child or something. Their marriage has nothing to do with you. Get out of their sheets.

[aileD]

and although you asked the question, it's clear from your posts and the way you respond to people who say you should not tell, that you WANT to tell.

 

I see this too.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You're so sensitive about your situation because you know it's all types of ****ed up. I was talking about affairs in general, but let's talk about you specifically since you obviously want to. This whole thread is just you trying to rationalize your decisions to make it seem like you had little choice in the matter. You're not a starving man, you're a lonely woman. Key difference.

 

You would not have died if you didn't have this affair. Are you being realistic comparing yourself to a starving man? And how you manage to fall in love with a married man before you even know he's married is sad. Did you even go to the man's house? Love takes time, and if you're actually getting to know people and not focusing on how you 'need a man', you would have figured that out quite quickly. You still could have stopped once you found out he was married, you chose not to. You felt there could be love with a man who lied about a HUGE detail about himself. So you're no different from OW who mess with men knowing they're married from the jump.

 

I'm not projecting anything, because I respect myself enough not to waste time fcking around with other people's husbands/boyfriends. I actually posted on here to share my general opinion as others were, but you took it personally because I hit a nerve. That's okay.

 

Staring at the wife's fb is therapy? LMFAO! No it's not, you're just being nosy and you want to see if they're happy or if they're miserable and he's going to come crawling back to you.

 

and although you asked the question, it's clear from your posts and the way you respond to people who say you should not tell, that you WANT to tell. So tell. and keep checking her fb to see what happens.

 

You could have yourself a new cat and a new single man, but you're wrapped up in their lives like you're their child or something. Their marriage has nothing to do with you. Get out of their sheets.

 

Jewel, you are really full of hate. Own that. I get to decide what works for me. You don't have that authority. Really, your posts are bordering on trolling. Speaking of borderlines...I won't be gracing your posts with anymore responses. Buh bye!

[Tayla]

Tell the wife since you have no authority to be in their marriage. Matter settled.

 

Jeweld, may have not said things with sugar on top, yet I think the truth is there.

 

Live,learn.

[JewelD]

Jewel, you are really full of hate. Own that. I get to decide what works for me. You don't have that authority. Really, your posts are bordering on trolling. Speaking of borderlines...I won't be gracing your posts with anymore responses. Buh bye!

 

Same thing you said to aileD. If someone challenges your points, they are 'projecting' and 'full of hate'? You and everyone on this site is free to do whatever you want, no one on here is capable of stopping/forcing anyone into anything. Judging from how defensive you are, clearly the fb therapy isn't working very well. Good luck with it though.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I see this too.

 

Yep, because after reading so many BW's saying tell, I almost feel selfish not to. Although the more I think about it, the more I don't want to. Hence this thread...tell/don't tell. Back and forth. Everyone's comments have been helpful over the weekend as I've been reflecting on it. On the other hand, I've spent so much time thinking about it, I'm just ready to be done. Almost like thinking about it was as good as doing it emotionally...but then there's still the question of responsibility to his BW. All recovery programs advise making amends to those who have been hurt. Would be sort of a luxury to just say to myself, F it, I have my own life and too bad for them...but that seems kind of wrong especially after hearing from so many BW's advising disclosure.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Same thing you said to aileD. If someone challenges your points, they are 'projecting' and 'full of hate'? You and everyone on this site is free to do whatever you want, no one on here is capable of stopping/forcing anyone into anything. Judging from how defensive you are, clearly the fb therapy isn't working very well. Good luck with it though.

 

Bolded word=case in point. Darn, I said I wouldn't respond anymore. Remind me to work on my impulse control!

 

In all seriousness to everyone who has posted on this thread over the weekend: Thank you! I've seriously thought about it all weekend long and have considered all that everyone has said. I'm exhausted now. I'm going to try to table it for a bit to concentrate on work, while I let this simmer and everyone's comments sink in. Thanks again to everyone for the posts!!!