OW considering outing MM looking for BS/MM thoughts

[aileD]

but then there's still the question of responsibility to his BW. All recovery programs advise making amends to those who have been hurt. Would be sort of a luxury to just say to myself, F it, I have my own life and too bad for them...but that seems kind of wrong especially after hearing from so many BW's advising disclosure.

 

You have no responsibility to his wife. It's not your marriage.

 

If you need to feel like you're making amends for your own recovery, then you could write down everything you want to say to her in a letter. Get it out, Then burn it.

 

I think there is some weight to some what Jewel is saying and you should try to analyze that for your own recovery. What she said about you checking the Facebook so often and of course you're going to be checking it after the reveal to see what happens. It's morbid curiosity. But if you really want to be healthy you focus on you and not them.

 

From the other side I understand and I went thru a lot of therapy about this. For a long time I caused unnecessary drama and chaos during my H's affair because I just couldn't stop focusing on HER. He would leave her we would think it was over then after a few days I would do something that drew her back into the fold. (I am not blaming myself for H's deceptions, just saying that I too had a part- subconsciously). I spent a lot of energy on her instead of me and my healing because sometimes my healing was too hard to face. There was a time where I was 3 seconds away from knocking on the door of her other MMS wife and outing her for "justice". I didn't. They had a nice yard and a swing set and kids toys around. It wasn't my place to shatter their life. It would have made me feel better to do something that made things uncomfortable for her ...but that's just me focusing on her again.

 

That's all I'm trying to get across and it's hard to put in words. If it's truly over then let t truly be over and don't insert yourself into the situation again. It's not healthy for you. It's not healthy for anyone. Just focus on you. Thsts where the energy should be

[JewelD]

Bolded word=case in point. Darn, I said I wouldn't respond anymore. Remind me to work on my impulse control!

 

In all seriousness to everyone who has posted on this thread over the weekend: Thank you! I've seriously thought about it all weekend long and have considered all that everyone has said. I'm exhausted now. I'm going to try to table it for a bit to concentrate on work, while I let this simmer and everyone's comments sink in. Thanks again to everyone for the posts!!!

 

Judgment is part of life. So is lack of judgment in your case. Everyone on here made a judgment on what you should do, so maybe people who don't want to be judged shouldn't ask strangers questions about their choices in life?

 

Because really, judgment can be positive/negative. What you meant to say was "Here's my ****ty situation. Please don't say anything about it that I don't agree with . Even if it's true".

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You have no responsibility to his wife. It's not your marriage.

 

If you need to feel like you're making amends for your own recovery, then you could write down everything you want to say to her in a letter. Get it out, Then burn it.

 

I think there is some weight to some what Jewel is saying and you should try to analyze that for your own recovery. What she said about you checking the Facebook so often and of course you're going to be checking it after the reveal to see what happens. It's morbid curiosity. But if you really want to be healthy you focus on you and not them.

 

From the other side I understand and I went thru a lot of therapy about this. For a long time I caused unnecessary drama and chaos during my H's affair because I just couldn't stop focusing on HER. He would leave her we would think it was over then after a few days I would do something that drew her back into the fold. (I am not blaming myself for H's deceptions, just saying that I too had a part- subconsciously). I spent a lot of energy on her instead of me and my healing because sometimes my healing was too hard to face. There was a time where I was 3 seconds away from knocking on the door of her other MMS wife and outing her for "justice". I didn't. They had a nice yard and a swing set and kids toys around. It wasn't my place to shatter their life. It would have made me feel better to do something that made things uncomfortable for her ...but that's just me focusing on her again.

 

That's all I'm trying to get across and it's hard to put in words. If it's truly over then let t truly be over and don't insert yourself into the situation again. It's not healthy for you. It's not healthy for anyone. Just focus on you. Thsts where the energy should be

 

I have only thought of her more during the course of this thread...about 2 and 1/2 days. This came upon me unexpectedly because I had already decided previously I wouldn't tell her. I've been doing lots of therapy over the last few weeks which is why I am so much better than where I was when exiting the A, plus LS has been fantastic in seeing all the facets in this. It's not about shattering their lives (umm he did that when he set off to be a serial cheater), and I have said that here a few times now. Interestingly, when I first confessed to one of my best girlfriends about this, who has been with her spouse for about 30 years, the first thing she said was to tell his BS--that was nowhere on my mind until a couple days ago. I am searching myself about it and these posts have been helpful in that. I'll continue to explore that inwardly in making a decision. I truly wish his BW the best and believe she deserves better than she is getting...and if I got the "shiny side" of him, I shudder to think what she gets. Why do you think so many BW's here advise to disclose? You are in the minority. I've read all the posts on this thread at least a couple of times, so that is how I know there are so many. I think I'm going to tally up both sides of the vote. Lastly, it's an assumption that telling her will shatter their lives since, in fact, none of us knows the reality of their situation (which btw is what MM calls their marriage ). Please note that at the very beginning of this thread I wrote that one of the main reasons I am thinking to not disclose is because I want out of the triangle, not in. The projection I mention refers to people saying I'm seeking revenge (because apparently that's what they would do)...it's good that you didn't knock on her door. I don't need revenge. I don't feel like she won anything. I walked away from him because I don't think he is capable of giving me (possibly anyone) the relationship I desire. I'm most upset at him because he callously hurt me and did not care enough to do anything about that. I've never felt threatened or jealous of her for a single moment (and that often surprised me). Why would I need revenge on someone who has had him all along? She didn't steal him from me. He was hers long before me. This idea of revenge is absurd to me. I would like HIM to get some just desserts, but I'm too realistic to believe it would happen. So this last bit about "focusing on her" is like the last bit of my emotional housekeeping over this. I don't have feelings for MM anymore. I understand why it bothered me he didn't try harder to contact me now and I'm ok with it. I own the loss I incurred. I got some great healing on past wounds from this experience. Now I'm thinking on this part. It's a moral question of whether we have an obligation to right a wrong when the person who's been wronged isn't [fully] aware of the wrong...giving that person the power to make a choice when they have been a victim. Aile, what if you still didn't know today? Is that a happy thought for you? Here's how it would make me feel if I were in that position:

 

For the sake of devil's advocate: You got to know what happened in your marriage. From that you got to be in a place of empowerment and choice. Why do you get that and she doesn't? I think this puts her at an unfair advantage. She either does not have all the information she needs to make informed decisions in her life and whether to save her marriage, plus she's being made a fool by him. Maybe it's not my responsibility to be the one to inform her, but if I don't shouldn't someone? Or are we really doing her a favor to leave her in the dark?

Edited October 30, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[aileD]

I have only thought of her more during the course of this thread...about 2 and 1/2 days. This came upon me unexpectedly because I had already decided previously I wouldn't tell her. I've been doing lots of therapy over the last few weeks which is why I am so much better than where I was when exiting the A, plus LS has been fantastic in seeing all the facets in this. It's not about shattering their lives (umm he did that when he set off to be a serial cheater), and I have said that here a few times now. Interestingly, when I first confessed to one of my best girlfriends about this, who has been with her spouse for about 30 years, the first thing she said was to tell his BS--that was nowhere on my mind until a couple days ago. I am searching myself about it and these posts have been helpful in that. I'll continue to explore that inwardly in making a decision. I truly wish his BW the best and believe she deserves better than she is getting...and if I got the "shiny side" of him, I shudder to think what she gets. Why do you think so many BW's here advise to disclose? You are in the minority. I've read all the posts on this thread at least a couple of times, so that is how I know there are so many. I think I'm going to tally up both sides of the vote. Lastly, it's an assumption that telling her will shatter their lives since, in fact, none of us knows the reality of their situation (which btw is what MM calls their marriage ). Please note that at the very beginning of this thread I wrote that one of the main reasons I am thinking to not disclose is because I want out of the triangle, not in. The projection I mention refers to people saying I'm seeking revenge (because apparently that's what they would do)...it's good that you didn't knock on her door. I don't need revenge. I don't feel like she won anything. I walked away from him because I don't think he is capable of giving me (possibly anyone) the relationship I desire. I'm most upset at him because he callously hurt me and did not care enough to do anything about that. I've never felt threatened or jealous of her for a single moment (and that often surprised me). Why would I need revenge on someone who has had him all along? She didn't steal him from me. He was hers long before me. This idea of revenge is absurd to me. I would like HIM to get some just desserts, but I'm too realistic to believe it would happen. So this last bit about "focusing on her" is like the last bit of my emotional housekeeping over this. I don't have feelings for MM anymore. I understand why it bothered me he didn't try harder to contact me now and I'm ok with it. I own the loss I incurred. I got some great healing on past wounds from this experience. Now I'm thinking on this part. It's a moral question of whether we have an obligation to right a wrong when the person who's been wronged isn't [fully] aware of the wrong...giving that person the power to make a choice when they have been a victim. Aile, what if you still didn't know today? Is that a happy thought for you? Here's how it would make me feel if I were in that position:

 

You got to know what happened in your marriage. From that you got to be in a place of empowerment and choice. Why do you get that and she doesn't?

 

I've thought about this topic a lot and if you read my first post in this thread I say that. I'm not saying I don't think BWs Shouldn't know.

 

I said I felt that once the OW are out of the affair it's not your business or life anymore to get involved in. It just puts you back in the triangle as you say. If you're still in the affair or in your case- right when you found out he was married and went to the wife then? Good. But to go thru all you went through to get out if it then to do something to put yourself back in...I just don't see it as healthy.

 

And yes I'm a betrayed wife. And yes I'd want to know. But I'm looking st it from your standpoint and what's best for you and your health and recovery because you seem to really be working on yourself.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I've thought about this topic a lot and if you read my first post in this thread I say that. I'm not saying I don't think BWs Shouldn't know.

 

I said I felt that once the OW are out of the affair it's not your business or life anymore to get involved in. It just puts you back in the triangle as you say. If you're still in the affair or in your case- right when you found out he was married and went to the wife then? Good. But to go thru all you went through to get out if it then to do something to put yourself back in...I just don't see it as healthy.

 

And yes I'm a betrayed wife. And yes I'd want to know. But I'm looking st it from your standpoint and what's best for you and your health and recovery because you seem to really be working on yourself.

 

Honestly, I totally agree with what you've written here, and it is a very real concern for me. Additionally, I've been thinking about how posting on this topic all weekend has also kept me wrapped up in it...as I have lots I did not get done that I did not accomplish this weekend. On the positive side of that, I've got so much of it out of my system this weekend that I might even take a break from LS for a few days (although LS has been totally amazing) so I can focus solely on other aspects of my life this week. Thanks for the posts, AileD!

[aileD]

For the sake of devil's advocate: You got to know what happened in your marriage. From that you got to be in a place of empowerment and choice. Why do you get that and she doesn't? I think this puts her at an unfair advantage. She either does not have all the information she needs to make informed decisions in her life and whether to save her marriage, plus she's being made a fool by him. Maybe it's not my responsibility to be the one to inform her, but if I don't shouldn't someone? Or are we really doing her a favor to leave her in the dark

 

Sorry I didn't see this the first time...

 

Your feelings are valid but as some pointed out before, you had the chance to give her all that stuff when you were in the relationship with her husband. You didn't. You're out now. None of it is your business anymore. You don't need to be the martyr. Maybe he'll cheat on her again and maybe he really will reconcile, maybe his conscious will get the best of him and he'll tell her. Maybe she'll find out by reading a text. Do you really want to deal with her wrath? To be the object of her anger? What if she commits suicide? What if she kills him? Yes I'm being extreme, but these things do happen.

 

I feel bad for the wife, i hope she does find out . I just think if you are looking out for YOU, then just walk away and make a good life for yourself

 

Have you talked to your therapist about this? What does s/she think is healthy?

[aileD]

Honestly, I totally agree with what you've written here, and it is a very real concern for me. Additionally, I've been thinking about how posting on this topic all weekend has also kept me wrapped up in it...as I have lots I did not get done that I did not accomplish this weekend. On the positive side of that, I've got so much of it out of my system this weekend that I might even take a break from LS for a few days (although LS has been totally amazing) so I can focus solely on other aspects of my life this week. Thanks for the posts, AileD!

 

I wish you the best

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I wish you the best

 

Thank you! You too! Hugs!