Time to call it quits?

[Sunlight7]

My Boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years. I am 38, he is 39. As of almost 2 years ago he started his own business as a Locksmith. But because of debt and continuing debt... I had to sell my car about 5 years ago. Which turned me into a housewife. And the jobs around here are given to the 16-20 crowd. Trust me I've tried to sell my soul and work at McDonalds etc. Too old, too smart, etc.

 

Because of out debt... (And what we both now call our "Living the real life: "Money Pit"- its a movie) My home needs MAJOR repairs and new appliances. The air conditioner is gone. Which in of itself- living in such a hot climate has destroyed so much of what we own. His own ac went out in his car about 7 years ago. Its been a NIGHTMARE. Hand to mouth every single day. The heat alone destroys our emotional states each snd every summer. Forget sex during the summer. We're too busy sweating night and day.

 

Now I own my place outright. And if I sold it as is... I would only get probably a fourth of what it is worth. Plus I have a ton of bills like student loans and medical bills. We're up to our neck in it basically. Both of us.

 

When we got together we met at a fetish party. And I had longed to try BDSM. And he was and is a Lifestyle Dominant. I am a switch both Dominant and Submissive.

 

But... as the years have gone on I have outgrown being into pain. So we put that aside. Then we got into something called "Bimbofication". Where I dress up like a blonde sex toy 24/7. Now... I'm good with that and still am SOMETIMES. But... I have a fetish that I denied to myself most of my life. Its called Knismolagnia. I love being tickled.

 

Now this fetish is VERY strong within me. And since I can never Dominate him... Half of my interest cannot be utilized. Its always been like this. There's just not a submissive bone in his body. And I'm ok as I can be with that. It eats at me though. He says we will go to fetish parties down the line. But... before I met him I was with a woman for 12 years. (I am Bisexual). I lost her to Cancer. So to simply say that I am fully aware of how loudly the clocks ticks in life is an understatement.

 

But... back to sex. I've never had an orgasm with him and him alone. The vibrator is always a necessity. Regular porn does nothing for me. I always think about tickling. And now he deems me obsessed. I've tried every "normal"sexual act under the sun with him over the years. And a lot of kinky ones. Nothing stirs me. I've even tried edging which is to get to the point of cumming but not go over. Yeah that makes my orgasms better. But we have sex now so rarely... I just give up and get myself off.

 

Now I have compromised as I habe said... but I end up feeling resentful. Which I feel absolutely guilty of... But even when I do find in within me to try things... I get the brush off. I understand why I end up bitching about it later down the line. But here is where we have to get back to our debt. He is so locked into work mode 24/7... And where my needs are concerned... have to take a backseat. Which includes:

 

I eat alone

I sleep alone

I shop alone (At a thrift a few times a year)

I no longer talk about hardly anything with him anymore. Dreaming about the future is not cool.

Anything I write erotic story (tickling) wise he's not interested. He's says his needs aren't being met so why should he meet mine. And he doesn't want to hurt my feelings if he's not turned on by what I make.

 

Any activities I want to do outside of the bedroom he does not want to do. Sometimes he laments and says ok- next weekend we'll play cards or whatever I have asked. The weekend comes... nothing. I remind him... work excuse. Im tired excuse, doesn't want to excuse.

 

For 2 hours every morning I can't talk to him. He is anything but a morning person. Then if he gets a call... he doesn't want to talk about anything BUT work after he has had time to decompress. Which could take anywhere from 2 hours to all night LONG. I'm going to bed earlier and earlier. I've been going to bed at 8:30 all this week. He says "I have nothing else to talk about- thats whats called being a grown up." I understand this. Does it make life any easier to bare... ? No it does not. And he misses the old days too of our fun times. We DID have them. I know this. And yet the cycle repeats.

 

When we disagree... I do have a hard time saying I'm sorry. So he will push his point home ALL NIGHT LONG. I mean hours and hours of arguing. Finally I just end up crying begging for forgiveness. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't pushed into it... would I have given him the apology he deserved? I don't know. And for my part I start a lot of fights too over stupid things. Though how much is stupid versus how much is valid.. Well

I am trying to address the recurring themes of our arguments here.

 

I have gotten to the point I don't feel we have anything in common anymore. We do love each other... but I am getting VERY resentful of his job. Once again on the hierarchy of needs (As I am told quite frequently) There is a difference between wants and needs. And the first and foremost priority is getting out of debt. But... He won't even let me ride my bicycle because we don't have health insurance.Nor even take us out every blue moon because he's afraid his car will get stolen. Resulting in his tools getting stolen. And I know it would be a pain in the ass to unload an entire cars worth of tools. But never to go out. In all these years... maybe once every year. its really taking its toll emotionally on me. We don't even hardly celebrate holidays anymore.

 

He never dresses up for me anymore. (The ac DID ruin most of his clothes). He refuses to clean up his areas. His work space is in the living room. I get hes burnt out... but WOW. Not once in all these years? And I'm not allowed to touch Anything because he knows where everything is. So not only is our place a money pit... it looks a **** pit. I clean where I can... but damn...

 

Now our debt is both of our fault. And my fetish is now looked at as me being selfish. Meanwhile its the only thing I have that's exciting to me. I write stories etc.

 

Now I have threatened leaving him for years... as much as I love him. But now the reality is here. I WANT to leave. And yet I still wonder how much am I doing wrong... and how much is he doing wrong. We both have very loud arguments over these things. And its getting uglier and uglier. Meanwhile if we didn't have so much debt... or my fetish... maybe things would be better. I don't know anymore. All I know is I am VERY lonely... and he says he is to. But it just doesn't seem like theres any way to meet in the middle. On ANYTHING. I can't even talk to my friends about any of this. Where in the hell would I start there is so much!! I don't want people thinking he's a bad man... he's not! But... at the same time... We are so different now. And he blames me for changing. He even says I am avoiding responsibility and growing up. That i'm not there for him emotionally or sexually. But I'm in the same room with him all day every day. His office is in the living room. So not only do I hear about whats going on... I have to hear it all repeated to me till I go to bed. I find myself shutting down more and more.

 

And heres the kicker. He says that even if we do break up... we can't afford to live apart. (And he does NOT want to break up). Meanwhile I am so done with this relationship. And yet... I DO love and care about him. I have tried to find the path back to loving him like I use to. But that road is foggy now and covered with glass.

 

If anyone can sort this mess out... I would love for you to. Because I am too close to the situation I need some fresh eyes on this. Thank you for reading and considering responding.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Sunlight7

[eightytwenty]

As of almost 2 years ago he started his own business as a Locksmith. But because of debt and continuing debt... I had to sell my car about 5 years ago.

 

 

If the debt is rising, why start a new business. Seems pretty ignorant to me.

 

My home needs MAJOR repairs and new appliances. The air conditioner is gone. Which in of itself- living in such a hot climate has destroyed so much of what we own. His own ac went out in his car about 7 years ago. Its been a NIGHTMARE.

I could only guess how much fun that is. Window units for the home? I would be worried about the home above anything

 

Now I own my place outright. And if I sold it as is... I would only get probably a fourth of what it is worth. Plus I have a ton of bills like student loans and medical bills. We're up to our neck in it basically. Both of us.

Could you talk to someone about your debt? Maybe give you a direction?

 

 

 

 

But... back to sex. I've never had an orgasm with him and him alone. The vibrator is always a necessity. Regular porn does nothing for me. I always think about tickling. And now he deems me obsessed. I've tried every "normal"sexual act under the sun with him over the years. And a lot of kinky ones. Nothing stirs me. I've even tried edging which is to get to the point of cumming but not go over. Yeah that makes my orgasms better. But we have sex now so rarely... I just give up and get myself off.

Another strike, can't meet your needs in bed.

 

He is so locked into work mode 24/7... And where my needs are concerned... have to take a backseat.

If the locksmith job isn't working maybe he needs to get going on something else?? Doing stuff outside the home, if you're in that much debt, worry about that maybe?

 

 

 

 

Now our debt is both of our fault. And my fetish is now looked at as me being selfish. Meanwhile its the only thing I have that's exciting to me.

I would be worried about getting myself, debt together first. yes sexual needs need to be met, but not a lot of people want it under stress, and maybe that's wrong with your husband

 

 

 

 

And heres the kicker. He says that even if we do break up... we can't afford to live apart. (And he does NOT want to break up). Meanwhile I am so done with this relationship. And yet... I DO love and care about him. I have tried to find the path back to loving him like I use to. But that road is foggy now and covered with glass.

 

 

If you own the home before you married him, and he's made no improvements. I would be selling the home and moving to a area that you can find work. You're in a black hole, and not really seeming to try to fix it. Pressure seems to be all on the husband to make things work, and in his mind he comes home and you want him. Nothing wrong with that, but maybe start coming up with a plan to fix the house, cars, and debt...

[Sunlight7]

Well he started the new business because his old boss of 14 years developed Alzheimers. He literally was forgetting who his employees were and woulden't give them their money. A very sad and frustrating situation all

around.

 

And considering other jobs seems to be a no go. Unless he went back to college. Forcing us into more debt. Aside from college he doesn't feel there is any other job he could do that makes as much money, He's thought about it endlessly.

 

As far as window units- they are not allowed here via the Home Owners Association's rules.

 

Talking to someone about debt... I don't know who we would. Our bank woulden't help us using my brand new miata at the time as collateral. Our credit is awful. So I believe our only other option would be a loan office using my home as collateral. My Bf has stated time and time again that would be the worst option we could use. The interest alone might be more than we could handle. Especially considering business is slow sometimes. And a few missed payments... our home is gone.

 

The strike against him is a strike against me as well. I can't meet his needs either. I try to but I'm unhappy with almost everything we do. And I am attracted to him still. The attraction has never gone away. Aside from that... Even he HAS said stress has been a huge contributor in his lowered sex drive. Apart from our needs not matching up. But if he wants me happy and horny all the time... And I'm to be that at least sometimes... well I'm engaging in erotica that does that for me. But then I'm met with contempt.

 

 

As far as planning... Its all we think about aside from the temporary mental relief here and there. He does poker online or politics. I write or spend time on a fetish board. Which he is fine with me doing... he just wants me to cut back. Which... is one of the few escapes I get from this situation every day. And he doesn't accept any advice I have usually. He says " Come up with a plan that will ACTUALLY HELP". Or a job that pays at LEAST $14.00 dollars am hour. But I can't do that -there is nothing here nor do I have the qualifications. And at this point I know enough to know I don't know everything. So I keep my mouth shut. Why keep talking if I'm going to be told this and that will NEVER work. He doesn't want my advice anyway. My situation kinda looks like Pamela Anderson trying to give Sheldon Cooper advice from the Big Bang Theory. I am honest in that I am not well educated in some areas of life.

 

Even with low paying jobs... no one wants to hire full time anymore! And he has refused to move. I understand that in the sense that getting the full value of our home would be far better. But back to jobs- he says it would be an inconvenience to drop a high paying gig just to take me to a part time minumum wage job. Which I understand. If I had a car this woulden't be an issue. But even then... I'd have gas and car insurance to pay. And my student loans would come after me. I found work at Goodwill for a few months but they treat their employees something awful. And then to add insult my student loans found out and took my tax check I was getting back the next year. So even getting a job is... fraught with getting hardly anything accomplished. It seems like a no win situation no matter which way we turn.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Sunlight7

[eightytwenty]

Well he started the new business because his old boss of 14 years developed Alzheimers. He literally was forgetting who his employees were and woulden't give them their money. A very sad and frustrating situation all

around.

That is sad

 

And considering other jobs seems to be a no go. Unless he went back to college. Forcing us into more debt. Aside from college he doesn't feel there is any other job he could do that makes as much money, He's thought about it endlessly.

I'm sure.

 

 

Talking to someone about debt... I don't know who we would. Our bank woulden't help us using my brand new miata at the time as collateral. Our credit is awful. So I believe our only other option would be a loan office using my home as collateral. My Bf has stated time and time again that would be the worst option we could use. The interest alone might be more than we could handle. Especially considering business is slow sometimes. And a few missed payments... our home is gone.

I wouldn't put your house up for collateral. But there might be a friend that works in debt, or maybe get all your stuff together and get the smallest bills paid off first. My fiancé is a finance manager and he helped people that have been in your shoes...

 

The strike against him is a strike against me as well. I can't meet his needs either. I try to but I'm unhappy with almost everything we do. And I am attracted to him still. The attraction has never gone away. Aside from that...

So is it you want to leave, or the pressure your under making you want to "run"?

 

As far as planning... Its all we think about aside from the temporary mental relief here and there. He does poker online or politics.

everyone needs mental relief and a break. But every dollar should be going to pay debt, plenty of free things to do.

 

 

Or a job that pays at LEAST $14.00 dollars am hour. But I can't do that -there is nothing here nor do I have the qualifications. And at this point I know enough to know I don't know everything.

Cleaning homes close to you. Pet sitting, where they bring the animals to you. Odd things here and there could help you make money. There are plenty of little odd things you can do to make money, until your able to get a cash car that'll atleast get you to point a to b.

 

 

 

Even with low paying jobs... no one wants to hire full time anymore! And he has refused to move. I understand that in the sense that getting the full value of our home would be far better. But back to jobs- he says it would be an inconvenience to drop a high paying gig just to take me to a part time minumum wage job. Which I understand. If I had a car this woulden't be an issue. But even then... I'd have gas and car insurance to pay. And my student loans would come after me. I found work at Goodwill for a few months but they treat their employees something awful. And then to add insult my student loans found out and took my tax check I was getting back the next year. So even getting a job is... fraught with getting hardly anything accomplished. It seems like a no win situation no matter which way we turn.

 

 

My ex was in the same boat. Couldn't find work and it basically cost us for him to drive to work. I understand that feeling. You have to be able to try to figure a way out or you continue to suffer and keep getting into more debt. He wouldn't have to drop a gig if it was somewhere close.

 

 

If you're wanting to leave him you have to figure out a exit plan. I think though, with you, fixing the stress and finances would solve a lot of problems.

 

 

I know a couple (my guy did this free they were friends) that was under 150k debt, and both lost their high paying jobs, credit card debt went sky high, they ended up with low paying job to atleast get food on their table. They came out with a budget, cut up ALL credit cards, got some savings so they handle the slow months. Took 2 1/2 years of lots of extremely hard work. All debt was gone, right after they paid off the last bill, they actually managed to find good paying jobs again.

[mikeylo]

Divorce itself is expensive , though worth it unless you both choose it to be amicable. You don't want to fall into another debt.

[Sunlight7]

Unfortuanetly there is no one to talk to friend wise who could point us in the right direction. But... I will start researching forums that maybe I can make a post somewhere else to help me/ us figure out the finances. Who knows?

 

I have struggled with "is it you want to leave- or the pressure making you want to run" for years. And I keep coming back to its the pressure. Night and day pressure for years. Watching my Gf pass away slowly... and now this... Idk how much more I can take. I am exhausted from being so sad snd angry all the time. I try to find little amusements online. A funny story, a meme... my other forum- but the bucket of despair keeps getting deeper and deeper. A hurricane just blew through here and I haven't even been able to take a walk or run for a few weeks. Maybe I'm just not doing well lately as this is an added drop to the bucket.

Still I wonder if everything was paid. Would the sex be adequate. I mean we're always fighting about it now. Idk maybe its just best to forget it for a while. I really don't know. Guess I'll just masturbate.

 

Your friends plan that was 150k in debt- thats basically what we are doing. We never have had credit cards and only pay in cash. If I go shopping its 3-4 times a year. I need new (to me) tennis shoes or just a book or dress. I only get about ten or 20 dollars per trip. And I stretch it like bazooka gum. I try to hold out as long as possible but being in this house so much feels like I'm in jail.

[Sunlight7]

Divorce itself is expensive , though worth it unless you both choose it to be amicable. You don't want to fall into another debt.

 

I keep forgetting to write we are not married. So while seperation would still be financially hard... we are not legally bound together.

[RecentChange]

Certainly sounds like a miserable existence to me.

 

So you have no car, he won't let you ride a bike. Are there public transportation options available?

 

You mentioned student loans, do you have an education?

 

It's time to decide you are WORTH making a change for. For YOU, your future, your happiness.

 

I would recommend a job training program so that you can become an independent adult and make changes for a better life.

[Sunlight7]

Certainly sounds like a miserable existence to me.

 

So you have no car, he won't let you ride a bike. Are there public transportation options available?

 

You mentioned student loans, do you have an education?

 

It's time to decide you are WORTH making a change for. For YOU, your future, your happiness.

 

I would recommend a job training program so that you can become an independent adult and make changes for a better life.

 

It IS QUITE miserable. Yes I have a lot to think about.

 

I unfortunately only went for 2 semesters. I ended up having to stay home and take care of my Great Grandmother. I was starting the Criminal Justice program.

What started as a 9,000 loan has turned into 20.

 

There IS a bus route but it does not run past 8pm. The cost would eat up my check though but... I will look into it. For sure.

 

I love your idea of a job training program!!! I will be looking into that asap!!! THANK YOU!!!

Edited October 28, 2016 by Sunlight7

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sunlight, your situation cannot be as hopeless as you are making it out to be if you've chosen the moniker Sunlight for your self!

 

However, coming to the point. How much money does your husband make from his business? Is it enough to get you both comfortably through the month? How much do you pay out in debt servicing? Most importantly, what work were you doing when you were forced to become a stay at home GF/ wife? Is there scope for that kind of work still or ate you she barred from it? Doypu have any skills or hobbies which you can monetize? Think of something and live up to your moniker. Don't keep dwelling on the miserableness and seriousness of your situation. Remember the old army motto' When the going gets tough the tough get going'. You are still quite young and if you are prepared to work your b..t off you will be able to go from A to B and then to C and so on and so forth.

 

As RC suggested get some training for jobs which you think you would like to do. Most important, remain cheerful and look for the rays of sunlight in your life. Hope this helps. Cheers.