He cut contact a week before I was going to visit him

[Emmacat]

My best friend (always my crush previously my ex) of 12 years who lived in France (me in England) invited me to visit him. I booked my flights a month before & for 3 weeks, we spoke every day and he would tell me how he can't wait to see me and all the things we were going to do and the places he was going to show me. I was so happy & I though he was too.

 

A week before my flight in the afternoon he repeated his happiness, places and things we were going to do in 7 days time. Then 12 hours later he sent he a facebook message saying ' call me it's impossible you come'. I called him he said he had met someone else & she had moved in with him that night. Then cut the call.

 

I was so angry with him I told him that in a txt then next day he txted back to say it would not effect our friendship, I called straightway & said how could he do this to me & why lie etc. He just said sorry.

 

For the next week I though he would change his mind (he didn't) & when I tried to talk him via facebook he would just send me stupid cartoon faces. I took my flight to France & stayed in a hotel on my own for the 5 nights I didn't contact him. I went because I was to ashamed to tell my family & my only other friend the truth. I act like everything is ok.

 

That was 8 weeks ago I deleted his number & he blocked me on facebook & I didn't contact him until now. I found his number & called him. It didn't even ring because I stopped the call ( I knew it was wrong) but next day he called me back & said his girlfriend said we can not contact each other anymore and she wants to marry him.

 

I do not have any friends to talk too. My only friend has enough of her own problems & my family didn't like him anyway so I know they are going to make me feel worse. They always seem to turn the conversations back to them.

 

I'm not jealous of his girlfriend, & my anger as slowly gone. I'm just feel empty we use to speak on a daily/weekly basis & if I had a problem he would be the one I talk too. I miss my French holidays with him & I miss his parents (they made me feel part of the family). I struggle to move on I'm not a 20something, I'm 40 ( his is 50) & I feel I have wasted my child bearing years on him. I want him back in my life. How can I do that when we can't contact each other? We live in different countries to I can't just bump into him.

 

What do i do? I can't focus or concentrate on anything else.

[Puddl]

This is horrible.

 

I had something similar happen. Check out my threads.

 

You HAVE to move on. It's awful what he did. DO NOT CALL, TEXT, WRITE. He must be dead to you.

[Darien 76]

Hi Emmacat,

 

I can understand and relate to the pain that you are feeling. It is awful to be left behind by the one we love and certainly not any easier when they leave for someone else. That happened to me as well. I dug deep and found my dignity and I stopped all contact once I knew the truth. I'm not going to say it's easy and my family, friends, counseling, and love shack have all been pulling me through for the last two months. As time passes, I feel better and I didn't think I would. I was certain I would pine away indefinitely. Healing from pain is a process and you will be ok. So many others here on loveshack can attest to this. Chin up, you will be ok. Your life will move on and you will have whatever beautiful future you envision for yourself.

[Emmacat]

Thank you for your kind comments, I am struggling to move on & most of the time my stomach is in knots I don't want to eat and my head is spinning. He is or was a big part of my life and it a shock that now I have his hole to fill & I don't understand why I still love him when he treats me like a end of a cigarette & throws me away.

 

Half of me thinks he will come back into my life when his wife to be finds out what a lying drunk womanisher he is & then the other half of me thinks maybe he as changed & I will never here from him again.

 

I think I'm a good person so why am I alone & heartbroken & he is who lied to me living a great life with someone else . The life I wanted with him.

 

I cannot talk to any of my few friends & family they have heard it all before in the last 12 years so I think I will be in love shack for a long time.

[RyanO1991]

Thank you for your kind comments, I am struggling to move on & most of the time my stomach is in knots I don't want to eat and my head is spinning. He is or was a big part of my life and it a shock that now I have his hole to fill & I don't understand why I still love him when he treats me like a end of a cigarette & throws me away.

 

Half of me thinks he will come back into my life when his wife to be finds out what a lying drunk womanisher he is & then the other half of me thinks maybe he as changed & I will never here from him again.

 

I think I'm a good person so why am I alone & heartbroken & he is who lied to me living a great life with someone else . The life I wanted with him.

 

I cannot talk to any of my few friends & family they have heard it all before in the last 12 years so I think I will be in love shack for a long time.

 

Love can't be rationalised, Emma. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. No some ways, it's like losing a limb. Something that was part of you has gone. But unlike losing a limb, the wounds heal.

 

It doesn't seem like it right now and, if I'm being honest, it will probably take a very long time. But a lot of us have gone through (or are still going through) exactly what you are, so always feel free to share or say what you think because nobody will judge you for it.

[Emmacat]

Hi all- thanks for your comments of support. It's been a week since my post & im still a mess. I can't sleep or focus on anything else. It hard to act like everything is fine at work and home. Positive point I have no contacted him or even tried to contact him.

 

In the 12 years I have known him, I think we were a couple on and off for 2 years ( long distance) and I thought he was my best friend for the other 10. He had other girlfriends during the 10 years but we stayed friends. And when his relationships ended he came to me to nurse his broken heart & bruised ego.

 

But this girlfriend as told him not to contact me and it's killing me. I know I should be happy for him but he ended the friendship so cruelly so I hope karma happens and she dumps him so he come back to me.

 

The words 'move on' mean nothing to me. What is move on? These two words need more of a explanation. I can't go out and socialise as I have no friends or money. Any ideas?

 

I just want him to get back in contact. I miss him so much.

[Emmacat]

It's nearly 3 months since he cut contact & im still haven't moved on. How long will it take? I haven't contacted him since he told me me not to, but I have had a look on his facebook account via an old account I have. We are not friends so I can only see his public posts. I checked his page the end of October & it was all about his new love and I lasted a month, then the urge to check again kicked in.

 

I checked over this weekend & the public posts about his girlfriend have gone and there were posts about moving on, friends come and go & mental illness. If this was your ex would you think he is now single?

 

Maybe this is the worse time of the year to move on & I cutching at straws.

[winny]

It's nearly 3 months since he cut contact & im still haven't moved on. How long will it take? I haven't contacted him since he told me me not to, but I have had a look on his facebook account via an old account I have. We are not friends so I can only see his public posts. I checked his page the end of October & it was all about his new love and I lasted a month, then the urge to check again kicked in.

 

I checked over this weekend & the public posts about his girlfriend have gone and there were posts about moving on, friends come and go & mental illness. If this was your ex would you think he is now single?

 

Maybe this is the worse time of the year to move on & I cutching at straws.

 

Even if he is single do you want to speak to him after how cruelly he treated you? He didn't think of your feelings for a moment. Whatever you do, do not initiate talking to him. And if he reaches out to you ever, tell him that your BF wants you to not speak to him.

[LastAcorn99]

It's nearly 3 months since he cut contact & im still haven't moved on. How long will it take? I haven't contacted him since he told me me not to, but I have had a look on his facebook account via an old account I have. We are not friends so I can only see his public posts. I checked his page the end of October & it was all about his new love and I lasted a month, then the urge to check again kicked in.

 

I checked over this weekend & the public posts about his girlfriend have gone and there were posts about moving on, friends come and go & mental illness. If this was your ex would you think he is now single?

 

Maybe this is the worse time of the year to move on & I cutching at straws.

 

I’m so sorry about your situation, and I can certainly understand your pain. But from whatever that you’ve shared about your friend, it looks like he has commitment issues and lack of respect for others’ feelings. Are you sure this is the kind of person you want to associate with? Please take good care of yourself. ((Hugs))

[Arieswoman]

Emmacat,

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I think this guy is mentally confused and unstable.

 

He has behaved appallingly.

 

You need to cut him out of your life now.

 

Block, delete etc.

 

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. x

[elaine567]

Half of me thinks he will come back into my life when his wife to be finds out what a lying drunk womaniser he is & then the other half of me thinks maybe he as changed & I will never here from him again.

 

In the 12 years I have known him, I think we were a couple on and off for 2 years ( long distance) and I thought he was my best friend for the other 10. He had other girlfriends during the 10 years but we stayed friends. And when his relationships ended he came to me to nurse his broken heart & bruised ego.

 

Seems you invested too much time in a guy who you should have "left" years and years and years ago. "Left" in inverted commas as there was little there to leave in the first place.

Do not waste a second longer.

He has lived his life, whilst you have been on hold for 12 years - waiting and waiting and waiting.

Time to stop this.

Do not be there to pick up the pieces of his next broken heart and soothe his bruised ego as no doubt he will contact you again for comfort as soon as this gf/maybe wife is out of the picture.

This is a one sided "romance", you need to see it for what it is.

YOU need to carve out a life of your own, a life without him in it, otherwise you will waste the next 12 years and the next and the next....

[Emmacat]

Thank you for all your comments. You are all telling me what I probably already know but have refused to believe it. Day 1 of cold turkey again & I will be rereading your advice until it sinks it and if I feel the urge to contact or look at his fb page. His lose not mine just seem to have more bad days than good in November. Thanks again x

[ExpatInItaly]

Stay strong, OP.

 

Checking his Facebook interrupted your healing process, so make sure you never do it again.

 

Even if he were single, he has demonstrated very clearly that he's unreliable and cares only about himself and his needs. I have a feeling he will try to find a way to get in touch with if and when his girlfriend leaves. Don't respond to him if he manages to contact you. He's not even good enough to be considered your friend.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear what happened. It is a crap way to treat someone who he was so close to. I think he has disgraced himself basically. He could have done his best to let you know in the kindest way possible, but it seems events overtook him and he made his decision.

 

This is bound to hurt for a while. Just know that it is not your fault. This guy has not treated you well, but that is nothing to do with you, it is all a sign of his character. Maybe your family had some inkling of his true character when they decided they didn't like him - maybe not. I can understand you feeling hurt and bruised, damaged even, by this, but you can overcome that. You are worth a hell of a lot more than this.

 

Just because one guy has done this, does not mean the next will be the same. Know how you expect to be treated and see who shows you a decent character. I know at the moment you probably don't feel like bothering with guys ever again, but one day you will.

 

It is never a good idea to go out of your way for a guy you are not currently dating. I know he was a long-term friend as well - which makes him all the more rubbish - but let the guys come to you. There is something that seems a little off with a guy that lets the woman do all the running. All you can do is to remind yourself that he behaved badly and not you. You were loving, caring and expecting the best of the relationship. He just proved himself unworthy.

Edited December 1, 2016 by spiderowl

[Emmacat]

2 weeks since my last meltdown, and today is a better day. I still have my moments of madness when I want to contact him or to look on facebook. I haven't contacted him but I did look on facebook last night.

 

Before you all shout at me, I actually feel better. He share a photo of him and his girlfriend (ex or wife now not sure) from another persons fb page. This photo was taken on 25th July, he told me to book my flights and visit him on 1ST AUGUST! So yes you were all right! He had been lying to her too.

 

Today is a better day, not an amazing day but a better one 5 steps forward.

[Emmacat]

He called me today to wish me happy Christmas. He was polite and I was happy he took the time to contact me. It was only for a mintue and he said his girlfriend was spending Christmas with her family and he was with his parents. So they are still together just not for Christmas.

 

For anyone on this site the next few days you're not alone, we are all going through this pain and I try and feel good for what little things I have. It's only another week then it's the start of another year and let's pray it's a good one for all of us.

 

Happy Christmas and Happy 2017