Why do I still love this woman???

[westernxer]

Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass

Ah...I see.

 

Seems like I outdid myself a bit there!

 

No biggie... you simply didn't know.

 

Originally posted by Lost_in_TN

I think it boiled down to the fact that she saw I was getting my head on a little straighter and it scared her into thinking she didn't have control of me.

 

Misery loves company...

[Lost_in_TN]

You've got it, misery indeed does love company.

 

I don't plan on being miserable with her though, I've had enough of her crap. Everything happens for a reason I guess, and there was a distinct difference between yesterday morning and last night. Meaning that I felt little better yesterday morning and things were a little clearer, but after she was done with me I was a wreck, and couldn't hardly sleep last night. Now more than ever I know how harzardous she is to my well-being. I guess I'm just a hard-headed SOB eh?

[New_Wife]

Lost,

 

Please take a moment and consider the excuse "my childhood was bad."

 

Okay, ready?

 

It's a load of crap.

 

Now, I'm sorry for anyone who had a bad childhood. That sucks, and bad parents should be drawn and quartered.

 

But there comes a time, and Lord knows Oprah, Dr. Phil & the like have made it abundantly clear - that you look at yourself and say "hey, I'm an adult now, and I'm still not over this - it's MY responsibility to get whatever help I need to move on." A lot of people had bad stuff happen to them growing up. But at some point it becomes a cop-out to avoid behaving in a way that the rest of the world somehow manages to accomplish if a person falls back on the "bad childhood" excuse ad nauseum.

 

Please start judging this woman, and all you meet, on their current behavior. Not their childhood, not the weather, the color of the sky, or the cosmic alignment on Planet Pluto. Judge them on who they are and how they act right now.

 

Sorry if that sounded harsh - it was not intended to be harsh with you - just the ex's excuses.

[Lost_in_TN]

I feel ya New_Wife, your exactly right.

 

The very latest tidbits that are coming to me are disturbing to say the least. I am being told that the ex is not only seeing the "new guy" , but has been messing around with 2 other guys, one of them works here. It just keeps gettin' better for me. Betrayal is everywhere I look right now, and I'm not liking it.

 

Should I care if this latest news is true or not, should I verify it???

[Lost_in_TN]

I feel ya New_Wife, your exactly right.

 

The very latest tidbits that are coming to me are disturbing to say the least. I am being told that the ex is not only seeing the "new guy" , but has been messing around with 2 other guys, one of them works here. It just keeps gettin' better for me. Betrayal is everywhere I look right now, and I'm not liking it.

 

Should I care if this latest news is true or not, should I verify it???

[New_Wife]

Why?

 

What good could possibly come to you from verifying this?

 

What bad?

 

If you are that into pain, call your local escort services and ask for Mistress Owie to come paddle your hinie some. It'll be cheaper and you'll at least get what you paid for.

 

My best advice for you is to stop the info pipeline now, and try to get to the business of healing.

[UltimateZen]

You have a lot of emotions running through you, and like you said you need some focus and some time to put your head together. Translation, you have to eliminate this contact with this woman. You have a lot of love towards your son and I think that by concentrating on being with your son, enjoy the company you have with him, and sooner or later you will get your head together. Life does work in very mysterious ways and everyone has their 2 cents worth of ideas that there is a master plan; but the reality is life plays out without script. We develop it as we go along and our surroundings have a dramatic effect on how we go about developing our script. Both women are characters who played their role and now should be written out. You are in a position where you need to take a step back from women and start enjoying your life with your son. In the end your son will appreciate it and you will become a better man for it. Either it be a year or 5 years, your soulmate will come in your life; just don't force and by all means keep your eyes open in the beginning of any relationship.

[Lost_in_TN]

oops!!! double post

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

A lot of people had bad stuff happen to them growing up. But at some point it becomes a cop-out to avoid behaving in a way that the rest of the world somehow manages to accomplish

 

I couldn't agree more with New_Wife's comments. There are people have endured much worse in their childhoods- grown up in abject poverty or in a war-torn place..without any hope or respite. And yet so many of them actually grow up to be "normal" people. I would say it depends on each person's DNA makeup besides just the social environment.

 

Should I care if this latest news is true or not, should I verify it???

 

You know the answer to that one!

Stop being curious.

 

You know, a lot of people here on LS post writings that talk about the ex's actions all the time, instead of their own. I've observed (and experienced) that in the beginning, it's a good catharsis. But afterwards, it becomes the very thing that keeps you stuck on your ex. You actually have to consciously make an effort to not write about their daily life, and concentrate on where you are right now.

 

It's tough to control the urge to "find out more" about them, but if you don't do that, you'll end up spending all your precious time obsessing about them and their life. Besides, I'm sure you know that nobody can live somebody else's life for them.

[Lost_in_TN]

I agree with what you are saying. I did some soul searching last night and came up with the fact that at a minimum it is a waste of time and energy. I need to devote my time towards positive things. When I was actually thinking that I'd dig a little deeper into these rumors it was because it felt it'd let me know even more that I shouldn't feel sorry for her one bit. But I've got an open and shut case as it is, so why bother.

 

It's all starting to set in on me. Pretty much since my first divorce I have made one mistake after another. It is a vicious cycle that I've got to break or I'll end up in this boat again. I don't want to let this make me so bitter that I could never trust or love someone again, but I can surely see how it could all lead to that.

 

I don't know if the lack of trust I had for wife number 2 stems from the fact she had a "checkered" past, or that I just never let go of what wife number 1 did to me.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I don't know if the lack of trust I had for wife number 2 stems from the fact she had a "checkered" past, or that I just never let go of what wife number 1 did to me.

 

Both.

 

Your trust was shaken after wife number 1, and the second one actually helped in throwing it out of the window.

[Lost_in_TN]

You're right, and to think that I only ask one thing from her in the beginning. I asked her to never lie to me. But she proved on many occassions that she could do it while looking directly into my eyes.

 

I've got my son this weekend and he is really missing her. The phone rang yesterday evening and he thought it was her when he answered.He lit up and got all excited, only to be very dissapointed to find that it was his grandmother. I tried to comfort him as best I could, but the truth is I miss her too and really wish all this stuff had not happened. But it did happen, and I need to be strong for myself and my son.

 

I know it is early in the game, but I really am ready for brighter days. A part of me is totally cool with her being gone because I know she really is a worthless person. But the other part of me just can't believe that she just moved on to this other guy just like that. How does a person do that, there is no way she could have just shut all her feelings off for me and deleted me out of her mind. It all just seems so very cold. I don't have what it takes to hurt people like that, it just isn't in me and I guess that's why I don't understand.

[lindya]

Originally posted by Lost_in_TN

does a person do that, there is no way she could have just shut all her feelings off for me and deleted me out of her mind. It all just seems so very cold. I don't have what it takes to hurt people like that, it just isn't in me and I guess that's why I don't understand.

 

You would think, wouldn't you, that someone who's gone through the sort of crap this woman has might have a little bit more depth and compassion when it comes to her relationships with others? Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that. A couple of my acquaintances have survived suicide attempts (there may be more, but I only know of two). One is the warmest and most loving person you could imagine. Someone who hit the bottom, never forgets what that was like - and seems to have a bottomless heart when it comes to other people.

 

The other person managed to get through his crisis and reach a level of functioning that works for him. He pulled through by thinking along the lines of "I'll never get to that level again. I'll always be ruthless in putting myself first in every situation, and if I'm exposed to anyone else's pain I'll walk away from it in the same way that I managed to walk away from my own."

 

It seems like a cold and hard way to be...but if someone is set on living to that script, and believes that it works for them to do so, then there's nothing you can do except leave them to get on with it. Or stick with them and get ready to play unconditionally loving parent for the rest of your life whilst they have fun projecting all their crappier feelings and insecurities onto you. For a skilled therapist, someone like that would be a big professional challenge. For a partner? Definitely not recommended.

 

This new guy's really going to have his work cut out. He will have to cope with all the baggage you were handed - and on top of that he'll have to deal with the new baggage that she'll be dragging along from the relationship with you. Just praise the gods that it's him and not you.

[Lost_in_TN]

Well put..........

 

 

Oh yeah,....for sure the new guy has no idea of what he is about to undertake. I do not want the kind of life that would surely be imposed on me if she and I were to reunite. I think that is another reason all of this is getting to me. I know that I can't ever take her back, no matter how much I miss her. It'd be almost like me handing down my own death sentence. It's an inner struggle because I'm old enough to know that crazy things happen with love and relationships. I've seen people rip each others hearts out, cheat on each other, divorce, then tell the most awful tales on each other to everyone they know. Then reunite years later and be happy. I work with a lady who went through just that, and she says it took her and her husband completely losing each other to realize just how much the meant to each other.

[Lost_in_TN]

WOW!!! I can't believe I found this thread after all this time. This will be a thread coming back from the ashes for sure. It was very sobering reading all of this again. Too bad I played the roll of the fool again.

 

Yes, after all I had went through, I was stupid enough to fall for her old tricks eventually. After my last post here I actually practiced what I was preaching until Mid-September of 2005. That is when she started playing mind games with me at work. Stopping me in the hall, giving me those come hither looks, and doing all the things that she knew would screw my head up.

 

I was actually on my way to being a functional human being, and was fairly happy considering all that I had been through. She had moved in with the guy that she had started seeing and wasn't really happy. She started telling me that he couldn't make love to her like I could. He wasn't really a good person, and that he had a lot of irritating habits. At first I was strong and told her that she'd made her bed, and now she had to sleep in it. What I should have done was tell her to keep away from me, but I didn't. Mainly because I still had love for her in my heart. So long story short (not really) I ended up moving her back in with me. Things were actually good for quite sometime, and I thought maybe everyone, including me, was wrong about her. We really had some great times, and made a lot of accomplishments with home projects and whatnot. But some of the same old things were there too. The mood swings, and no communication from her at times tended to make things stressful. But for the most part I felt as if we'd actually hit our stride and was going to make everything work.

 

In January I started working very hard on getting a small side business started up. I worked my butt off to make it happen, and told her to be patient with me during these times because it was going to take most all my time up for a while until I got things off the ground. But I had to do that to make it work, and didn't want all the money I'd spent to be a waste.

 

Things started deteriorating around March I'd say, but there wasn't anything that I can really put my finger on, just a vibe. Then on easter she confided in my youngest brother that this would probably be her last family gathering with us. Nothing like that had ever been said to me, and my family didn't know what to do, so they stayed out of it until I called and asked a few questions. I did that only after my boss at work told me that she said I was mean to her. I was floored, and I said was she really serious? He said yeah she was. This was just a few days after easter and I figured that maybe she'd told my mom something that may have given me some insite as to what was going on. That is when I found out what she told my brother.

 

When I confronted her she blew it off and blamed it all on her depression. When in reality she'd started cheating on me with another guy at work.

 

So yep, I'm sort of going through all of this again, but I have indeed learned my lesson.

 

Old dogs can't change their spots, and this is just a way of life for her. I did everything humanly possible to make this woman feel special, but in reality she isn't special at all. She's got a really dark side that has the ability to do things I can't phathom.

 

I'll be ok in time, and it's my own fault for ever letting her get back under my skin.

[bish]

My first marriage lasted 12 years and produced a beautiful baby boy. Our marriage had its' ups and downs as all marriages do, but there was one thing that happened about 3 years into the marriage that I feel doomed it. My wife had an affair that lasted about 8 months. I was devistated, I didn't know quite how to handle it. We had been having problems but I knew nothing of the affair until my best friend had to spell it out for me. I told him there was no way she'd do that. He called another friend who also confirmed it.

 

Ah, you can't put a price on true friends. They have your back and you are lucky to have them.

 

After I was convinced that it was indeed the truth I confronted my wife who denied it multiple times, then finally caved in and said it was true. I felt like such a fool, betrayed, and so utterly confused at how someone could lie to someone who loved them and never bat an eye. I told her the marriage was over and asked her to leave the home.

 

Good, and thats the way it should be. The cheater should leave.

 

Ten years into the marriage we made the decision to have a child and it was a wonderous time. I really felt on top of the world when my son was born and was proud of my little family. That is until my son was about 2 and a half years old. I had been on a motorcycling trip with some friends in the Smoky Mountains for a week and just returned home. A friend that used to work with me called just to say hi, and also to ask me if my wife and I were having trouble. I told him no, everything is fine, why do you ask? He then told me that he'd heard she was having an affair with a guy she worked with.

 

OMFG, how heartless is this woman??? And again, you are damn lucky to have friends like that watching your back.

 

When I hung up the phone my wife asked who had called, I told her, then humourously told her that she was supposedly having an affair with a guy at work. (which is also where I work!!!) Well she didn't laugh at all, then she said WHY DON'T WE GET A DIVORCE!!! I was floored, and realized that this woman was up to her old tricks. The next year and a half can only be described as hell on earth for me. I felt betrayed by friends, coworkers, and even questioned if I wanted to live or not. Everytime I turned around I was being told more bad things about the woman I loved. To make matters worse she was doing things to keep my head even more screwed up. Eventually though we did get a divorce and I was learning to cope with being single, and becoming a weekend dad.

 

See, there is the problem. SHE is the one that screwed around, now you have to only see your kids on the weekend because of what SHE did??

 

What absolute bullsh!!t.

 

Anyways, there this woman is standing in front of me, still smoking hot as ever and I'm single, and she has asked me out. Even though she was living with a guy I thought what the hay I'm gonna think about me for a change!!!

 

Well I understand about the looking out for #1 thing, but you are doing to this guy what your co-worker did to you. It aint good man. Don't stoop to being the other man.

 

It's so very sad to feel like this, what do I do???

 

Well, I'd say you should just stay divorced and stay single. You can date around and not make any committments at all. Play the field and keep your emotions in check. I suppose if you really find someone you think you can trust, you can try it again. But I wouldn't blame you if you just dated for sex.

 

I feel for ya man. I do. What your 1st wife did to you was the worst thing anyone could do. Hell, I'd rather have her cut off my hands with a machete than get cheated on. On top of that she took your kids from you. What an unbelievable bi!tch!!

 

I know you think you love this woman, but she was stealing from a 5 year old!!! Only thing lower than that in my opinion is cheating.

[bish]

Damn, I didn't see that this thread is 2 years old!!!

 

If you come back and read this man, how are you doing????

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

WOW!!! I can't believe I found this thread after all this time. This will be a thread coming back from the ashes for sure. It was very sobering reading all of this again. Too bad I played the roll of the fool again.

 

Yes, after all I had went through, I was stupid enough to fall for her old tricks eventually. After my last post here I actually practiced what I was preaching until Mid-September of 2005. That is when she started playing mind games with me at work. Stopping me in the hall, giving me those come hither looks, and doing all the things that she knew would screw my head up.

 

 

I'll be ok in time, and it's my own fault for ever letting her get back under my skin.

 

 

Lost_In_TN, you're wiser now, I hope.

 

One thing I've learned is this: People don't change. Their circumstances do.

 

This woman is what she always has been. It's your perception of her that kept changing.

 

You did someting that you knew was going to get you into trouble. The lure of doing certain things, is often greater than the good sense that tries to prevent us from doing those things.

 

You do end up doing those things, you fall and get hurt, and you learn. See it as one more lesson for youself.

 

Sometimes we are meant to learn many lessons before finally getting what we were looking for all along. You will get that someone, too. Eventually.

[Lost_in_TN]

I'm doing as well as can be expected I guess. At least I can honestly say I tried my best to make it all work out, but in the end she is who she is, and that is that. She has basically done this in every relationship she's ever been in, so I've told myself there was really nothing I could have ever done. I've been playing against a stacked deck all along.

 

I am definitely wiser now, but that doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with. But there is no doubt that it is over regardless of how I feel. Oh I know,..if she stays true to her track record I can bank on some mind games somewhere down the line. This time though I won't fall victim to them because I've seen it all before. She got all the rest of her belongings out of my home today. It's sad that someone is that broken inside that they just can't be faithful, tell the truth, or really let someone know what is really going on in that head of hers.

 

It's tough at this point, and I've left out a lot of the bloody details because it really was a mess. I know I deserve someone that will treat me better, and though I am in no hurry to find them, they are out there. Someone that has morals and values such as mine.

 

This all really came to a boil Monday, so I'm still having difficulty sleeping, focusing on work, or really being able to enjoy anything right now.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I'm doing as well as can be expected I guess. At least I can honestly say I tried my best to make it all work out, but in the end she is who she is, and that is that. She has basically done this in every relationship she's ever been in, so I've told myself there was really nothing I could have ever done. I've been playing against a stacked deck all along.

 

Exactly.

 

 

I am definitely wiser now, but that doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with. But there is no doubt that it is over regardless of how I feel. Oh I know,..if she stays true to her track record I can bank on some mind games somewhere down the line. This time though I won't fall victim to them because I've seen it all before. She got all the rest of her belongings out of my home today. It's sad that someone is that broken inside that they just can't be faithful, tell the truth, or really let someone know what is really going on in that head of hers.

 

Again, I reiterate what I said to you back in 2005 (have I been that long on here?! Ha.)

 

A person with a "broken inside" as you say, could be susceptible to reacting a certain way. Reacting - not acting. There's a part of us that develops around our environment, and a part of us that is our real self. In her case: not being faithful, not telling the truth, not letting you know what's going on in her head - all this is part of her personality. She cannot change that easily. And you certainly cannot change that for her.

 

 

 

It's tough at this point, and I've left out a lot of the bloody details because it really was a mess. I know I deserve someone that will treat me better, and though I am in no hurry to find them, they are out there. Someone that has morals and values such as mine.

 

This all really came to a boil Monday, so I'm still having difficulty sleeping, focusing on work, or really being able to enjoy anything right now.

 

I hear you. Well, you can always post on here as much as you like.

 

On a side note - when you do find a very worthy person, you don't have to "convince" yourself that she / he is good for you. You just see it, plain and simple.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Exactly.

 

 

 

 

Again, I reiterate what I said to you back in 2005 (have I been that long on here?! Ha.)

 

A person with a "broken inside" as you say, could be susceptible to reacting a certain way. Reacting - not acting. There's a part of us that develops around our environment, and a part of us that is our natural self.

 

In her case: not being faithful, not telling the truth, not letting you know what's going on in her head - all this is part of her personality. She cannot change that easily. And you certainly cannot change that for her.

 

 

 

 

 

This all really came to a boil Monday, so I'm still having difficulty sleeping, focusing on work, or really being able to enjoy anything right now.

 

I hear you. Well, you can always post on here as much as you like.

 

On a side note - when you do find a very worthy person, you don't have to "convince" yourself that she / he is good for you. You just see it, plain and simple.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Sorry - double post there. One and half, actually.

[Road Rage]

Lost in TN

 

Sounds like you got the blues. You gotta face it. That woman is your addiction. plain and simple. don`t mke no bunch of it. Keep it simple.

 

She give you the blues cause she is cocaine to yo veins. so you got the blues:sick:

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Lost in TN

 

Sounds like you got the blues. You gotta face it. That woman is your addiction. plain and simple. don`t mke no bunch of it. Keep it simple.

 

She give you the blues cause she is cocaine to yo veins. so you got the blues:sick:

 

She was the cocaine in his veins. Or nasal passage.

 

He ain't be touching that stuff no mo.

 

Right, Lost_in_TN?

[Lost_in_TN]

Yeah guys that's true, she's my coke habit. I called it a crack addiction back in '05 when I started this thread. But since Monday I said it was more like heroin. A quick fix would make everything "seem" better for a little while, but the cold hard truth is that it is killing you little by little. The wise thing is to feel the pain, go through the withdrawals, and come out the other side a healthier, happier man.

 

I'm gonna go for now, and try to get some sleep tonight. I'm running on fumes at the moment, and that doesn't help matters at all.

 

I appreciate all the advice, it means a lot to me, and I thank you all very much.