Ex-boyfriend popped back up...trying to see what's going on?

[Aurora_227]

Hello everyone! I was wondering if I could get your help with something. If it gets a little confusing, just let me know.

 

About a year and a half ago, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me (let's call him X). I was his first girlfriend (we were 22 at the time), but I had dated before. We were best friends...absolute best friends. It was such a supportive and healthy relationship, but at the time, we were just missing that little "something." I truly believe it was because I was scared of being in love (some residual fear from a prior relationship) and he was scared because it was his first relationship. We still have a great deal of respect for each other.

 

So we broke up (he ended it). It was hard on both of us and the whole time he was doing it he was inconsolable. He wanted to remain best friends like before but I just couldn't do it (I found out recently he had texted my roommate, a mutual friend, for months after the relationship ended about this because he was worried about losing me as his best friend). A few months later, I began to move on and started dating someone else. This new relationship lasted for a year and ended about a month and a half ago (I ended it). I found out this individual was not honest with me and may have (almost certainly did, as there is proof) cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Cheating and lying are the two things that cause me to lose feelings for whomever I am with and I can't get past those things. I was angry and hurt at first, but I am relieved to know that I made the right decision in ending that relationship and I wish him the best, though I do not wish to move forward in any type of friendship with him. Oddly, since the breakup, I honestly have never felt more whole and confident than I have before in my life...I feel so ready for the real love that is waiting for me one day, no matter whom it is with. It's like going through these messes have made me realize what I want in life and the kind of person I want to spend it with.

 

This post is about how I noticed that the first ex (X) has popped up on social media lately, since the breakup from my last boyfriend. I have seen him in person several times in the last year, and he won't quite look me in the eye unless I look at him directly to make eye contact. He has not been active on my social media in a very long time, though from time to time (every few months or so), he'll text me to say he was hoping I was well. Recently he has started watching things like my Snapchat stories, liking things on Facebook, and texted me recently to talk about our friend who was recently engaged (the text was a week ago). I did want to point out that this friend confessed he loved me during X's and I relationship, which I was honest about with X. I held very limited contact with that friend from that point forward as to not make X uncomfortable or to lead that friend on. I guess I just find it a little curious. I have also been told by a friend that he was talking to a girl earlier in the year, but because they were long distance and only saw each other every now and then, X told our friend he didn't think it would be something long-term. I'm assuming they're not together and there isn't anything on social media, but I'm not entirely sure.

 

Ultimately, I want things to unfold how they're meant to be. He could genuinely just want to be friends. The timing is interesting since it started happening after the breakup, but again, it could just be reaching out to be friends and I am trying hard to keep that in mind. I feel like we could have a real shot at something since he's a sweetheart and we were the best team (our mutual friends say the same thing)...but I don't want to get my hopes up or read too much into it. If he does want something more, I kind of want to let him lead since he was the one to end it the first time. But then again, I have never been in this situation...any advice? Thank you very much in advance!

Edited October 29, 2016 by Aurora_227

[JewelD]

It's no coincidence that he's coming around again now that you're single. That's what a lot of x's do. However, he dumped you and I think you're trying to paint it as a mutual decision and a pretty picture.

 

He did not break up with you because it was his first relationship and he didn't know what he was doing and you didn't know what you were doing. That's just a cop-out. I'm assuming he gave an actual reason but that's neither here nor there. He had you and then he decided he did not want you as a partner.

 

Perhaps it's been slim pickings for him and he wants to rekindle an old flame. But you are fresh out of a relationship and probably thinking the next place to go is the person you were with before that. I would cut those guys out of the picture and focus on meeting someone new. He broke up with you once, why give him the opportunity to do it again?

[Aurora_227]

It's no coincidence that he's coming around again now that you're single. That's what a lot of x's do. However, he dumped you and I think you're trying to paint it as a mutual decision and a pretty picture.

 

He did not break up with you because it was his first relationship and he didn't know what he was doing and you didn't know what you were doing. That's just a cop-out. I'm assuming he gave an actual reason but that's neither here nor there. He had you and then he decided he did not want you as a partner.

 

Perhaps it's been slim pickings for him and he wants to rekindle an old flame. But you are fresh out of a relationship and probably thinking the next place to go is the person you were with before that. I would cut those guys out of the picture and focus on meeting someone new. He broke up with you once, why give him the opportunity to do it again?

 

Thank you for your reply! You're right, part of it is me painting a pretty picture. But to be fair...there's a lot I'm leaving out as part of that "pretty picture." It wasn't mutual, but when he was breaking up with me I did tell him that if he wasn't feeling it, I understood and would want him to be happy even if he wasn't with me.

 

His reason was that there was something missing. That "spark." I believe him when he said that. I'm not saying I want to get back together with the ex, but I don't necessarily want to dismiss it entirely when it was, overall, a pretty good relationship for both of us (he believed that too). Whatever relationship/friendship we may or may not have, I want it to be a new one, a fresh start, since obviously the first time it didn't work out.

[JewelD]

Thank you for your reply! You're right, part of it is me painting a pretty picture. But to be fair...there's a lot I'm leaving out as part of that "pretty picture." It wasn't mutual, but when he was breaking up with me I did tell him that if he wasn't feeling it, I understood and would want him to be happy even if he wasn't with me.

 

His reason was that there was something missing. That "spark." I believe him when he said that. I'm not saying I want to get back together with the ex, but I don't necessarily want to dismiss it entirely when it was, overall, a pretty good relationship for both of us (he believed that too). Whatever relationship/friendship we may or may not have, I want it to be a new one, a fresh start, since obviously the first time it didn't work out.

 

What has happened that that missing spark would suddenly be there now if it wasn't there before? Having done it before, I'm not a huge supporter of the Fresh Start Plan in general. You can never really start fresh with anyone because you're never going to forget the relationship you had before. And you will most likely make decisions based on that previous relationship.

 

You're also not sure of his motivations. Guys don't really chase down girls and hang around in the shadows just to be their friend. Rekindling a friendship with an ex where there may be feelings on both or one end might make things complicated if you want to meet someone new.

[Aurora_227]

Hi Jewel...thank you for your last reply. I'm really sorry I haven't gotten on in a few days - real life has kept me busy. I wanted to give you an update.

 

A few days ago he asked to have dinner with my roommate, our mutual friend. It wasn't a romantic date (she has a boyfriend), but more of a "let's catch up." They hadn't seen each other for quite some time. I thought, foolishly, that it had something to do with me. She and her boyfriend also thought that he was perhaps going to see about rekindling things.

 

Turns out he genuinely did just want to catch up, though I did come up a few times in conversation with her. Mostly it seems like he wants to be friends - he wants the friendship back. He also mentioned to her that he would like for me to go out with he and his friends sometime. Thankfully, she told him that if I were to be invited, his motives (to just stay friends) needed to be clear to me because he could be sending mixed signals. He agreed. It seems like he genuinely does just want to be friends, though the whole situation seems muddled and honestly confusing.

 

I need to accept that he didn't have some revelation and wants to be with me, but I also can't be just friends with him and hang out with his friends...I can't. It's just too painful and old feelings will resurface, and I'll be honest with him about that if he approaches me. Thank you for your help, Jewel (and anyone else who may be reading this). Any advice on how to move past this (now a second time)?

[JewelD]

I still doubt that he only wants to be friends. Probably friends with benefits but that's not something he would tell your friend.

 

Best method to move on is no contact.

[Aurora_227]

I still doubt that he only wants to be friends. Probably friends with benefits but that's not something he would tell your friend.

 

Best method to move on is no contact.

 

I reallyyyyyyy don't believe he would go after the friends for benefits thing. He's genuinely not that kind of guy. She doesn't think so either (I swear it's not denial). She seemed convinced he really did just want to be friends and go back to the way things used to be, when we could all hang out together in a group. I do agree with you and find it hard to believe he wants to be just friends too, but that could just be hope talking.

 

And yes - I'm working on easing back to NC. I'm dealing with it the best way I can and I wish him the best. Can't be best friends, though.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you for your reply! You're right, part of it is me painting a pretty picture. But to be fair...there's a lot I'm leaving out as part of that "pretty picture." It wasn't mutual, but when he was breaking up with me I did tell him that if he wasn't feeling it, I understood and would want him to be happy even if he wasn't with me.

 

His reason was that there was something missing. That "spark." I believe him when he said that. I'm not saying I want to get back together with the ex, but I don't necessarily want to dismiss it entirely when it was, overall, a pretty good relationship for both of us (he believed that too). Whatever relationship/friendship we may or may not have, I want it to be a new one, a fresh start, since obviously the first time it didn't work out.

 

I believe "spark" is the inexperienced way of saying I don't know what true love is.. the honeymoon period is a spark. I believe having children can reignite this "spark", but I believe it's equal to trying to chase the first "high"

 

This is inexperience talk and is part of the GIGS. Once things don't work out they start crawling back.

[Aurora_227]

I believe "spark" is the inexperienced way of saying I don't know what true love is.. the honeymoon period is a spark. I believe having children can reignite this "spark", but I believe it's equal to trying to chase the first "high"

 

This is inexperience talk and is part of the GIGS. Once things don't work out they start crawling back.

 

This. THIS. Even for me, this. I do believe it is inexperience...even on my end. I think it's interesting that you two think he's trying to come back or test the waters, especially since my friend seemed so confident that he only wanted to be friends. I feel the same way, though I'm trying to dismiss that hope. I know a lot of people feel that you shouldn't give an ex the chance to hurt you a second time and I respect that (I feel this way about most of my exes). I do believe though that there are times they deserve a second chance. What are your thoughts on these kinds of situations, especially if he expressed interest to my friend that he wanted he and I to hang out with his friends?