Have I Damaged our Second Chance?

[Kristen996]

Hi all!

 

I've been in a relationship for a little over 4 months. We are both on the younger side and have been each other's first real relationship and first love. Everything between us was going very well -- our communication was great, we genuinely enjoyed each other's company and had fun together, we respected each other and had very similar values.

 

The only thing was, I found him to be a little clingier and needier than I would have liked, as someone who thinks of herself as very independent. Rather impulsively, I broke up with him about a week ago, despite having strong feelings for him even at the time that I did it, and instantly regretted the decision. Confused by what I did, I thought very much about it and realized that the blame actually rests mostly on me -- trust issues, fear of getting so close to someone, and possibly an unhealthy attachment style that was made worse by his clinginess and constant need for emotional reassurance.

 

Realizing all of this, I called him about three days after the break-up and tried to rationally explain this all to him, and proposed taking a short break period of about a month for me to work through those areas I identified so that we could come back stronger and try again. However, although my words remained rational, I ended up crying on the phone and sounding more desperate than I intended. He agreed to my plan, but I don't know if I convinced him in any way by getting so emotional. In hindsight, I think just taking a 30 day no-contact period might have been smarter from the beginning instead of reaching out immediately to explain all of this to him, but I had an "epiphany" feeling and wanted to tell him right away.

 

On our phone call, even though I proposed 30 days to figure out everything, we ended up agreeing to only a week of strictly no-contact (which we are in right now) and then having limited contact for another three weeks. I'm unsure if this was wise either, as I know we're both still hurting and probably could have used the full month of no-contact right off the bat.

 

So my question is... Have I messed things up between us for a good chance at trying again by how I handled this situation? I know that we're both still in love and committed to fixing the issues that caused us to get in the place we're in now, but did I do any damage by rushing things and not letting us heal properly first? Do you think it's possible I convinced him to giving me a second chance that he wasn't really ready to give by crying and getting so emotional on the phone? (Admittedly, he was emotional too). Or am I just young and foolish and overthinking everything?

 

Thank you all!!!

[JewelD]

It's only been 4 months. If things weren't going the way you wanted and you felt like breaking up with him, perhaps that was the best decision. I don't know how young you are, but if it's not working to the point where you want to take a month-long break from the person after only four months, it's probably better just being over.

 

Since you dumped him I'm sure he's ready to go along with this second chance and do whatever you say but are you genuinely committed to being with him? I can't imagine you are or you wouldn't have broken up with him and you wouldn't want to spend a month away from him.

 

Just because you still have feelings for someone after you broke up with them doesn't necessarily mean it was the wrong decision.

[Kristen996]

Thanks so much for the response!

 

It's definitely not that I want to take a month break. I actually feel possibly like I am a bit too eager to get back together with him. The reason, in my mind at least, for the break is so that I can prove to him, and more importantly to myself, that I am serious when I say that I'm committed to improving the things that got us to the situation that we are in now.

 

I was impulsive when I ended things with him, possibly due to age and relationship inexperience or possibly because of my fears, and really only made the decision the morning that I broke up with him. So it's important to me that I'm not impulsive when I take him back. I don't want to put either of us through this again if things aren't going to be different.

[JewelD]

How old are you? You said you ended it in part because of his clinginess. Regardless of your age and inexperience, that's a quality the average person would not want in a partner. Did you tell him that he's being clingy? Or are you just planning on dealing with it?

 

Sounds like you're unsure if you are going to be serious about this. So you're essentially putting him on the back burner until you decide if he's what you really want.

 

I don't do breaks at all but I think they're rather pointless with someone you've been with less than a year. The first few months are supposed to be the best in a relationship. If you're already having issues like this, I can't imagine things are going to get much better in the future.

 

Why don't you just be honest with him and tell him that you're unsure about the relationship? That way you're giving him a chance to decide if he wants to wait around and see if you want to be with him or if he's just going to pack it in and move on to someone else.

 

Because it would be rather ****ty to have him sit around for a month thinking you're going to work on things and during that month you realize you don't want to do that.

[Kristen996]

I am 21 and he is 24.

 

On our phone call the other night, I did tell him that, although I tried to say it in as nice a way as possible. I explained to him that especially as someone who can need a lot of space at times, sometimes I felt like things in the relationship were a bit overwhelming for me, and I tried to give him specific examples of times that I found his behavior to be a bit much for me. He said that if we were to try again, that is something that he would definitely work on, and he seemed genuine, not like he was just saying what I wanted to hear.

 

I think that his "clinginess," for lack of a better word, and my own relationship fears were basically two halves of the same problem... His neediness would cause me to become more afraid and therefore give him less reassurance than he really needed, and it became a cycle. So no, his clinginess is definitely not something that I plan to put up with in a relationship, but after getting a bit of distance, I realize that I was just as much of a contributor to the problem as he was. If we are going to make this work then I think that we both actually do have to be accountable for the things that we said we would work on. I don't expect us to fix everything overnight of course, but as long as I can see that we're making progress in the right direction, then I think that this is a relationship worth saving, as there was truly so much going right between us.

 

I can tell you that I am 100% committed to doing what I need to do on my end, and have already actively started taking steps to address what I've identified as my own half of the problems. I care about this person very much, even if we aren't meant to be romantic partners in the end, and would never want to put him through something if I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for us.

 

I really appreciate your honest answers!

[Sweetfish]

I am 21 and he is 24.

 

On our phone call the other night, I did tell him that, although I tried to say it in as nice a way as possible. I explained to him that especially as someone who can need a lot of space at times, sometimes I felt like things in the relationship were a bit overwhelming for me, and I tried to give him specific examples of times that I found his behavior to be a bit much for me. He said that if we were to try again, that is something that he would definitely work on, and he seemed genuine, not like he was just saying what I wanted to hear.

 

I think that his "clinginess," for lack of a better word, and my own relationship fears were basically two halves of the same problem... His neediness would cause me to become more afraid and therefore give him less reassurance than he really needed, and it became a cycle. So no, his clinginess is definitely not something that I plan to put up with in a relationship, but after getting a bit of distance, I realize that I was just as much of a contributor to the problem as he was. If we are going to make this work then I think that we both actually do have to be accountable for the things that we said we would work on. I don't expect us to fix everything overnight of course, but as long as I can see that we're making progress in the right direction, then I think that this is a relationship worth saving, as there was truly so much going right between us.

 

I can tell you that I am 100% committed to doing what I need to do on my end, and have already actively started taking steps to address what I've identified as my own half of the problems. I care about this person very much, even if we aren't meant to be romantic partners in the end, and would never want to put him through something if I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for us.

 

I really appreciate your honest answers!

 

I believe No-contact in this situation is not a good call and 30 days will not resolve your attachment issues. I think its ok to fight and be angry and resolve these issues. but whats done is done.

 

I also believe you should have not called him over the phone.. but met him in person to explain how you feel. Because he may just be agreeing to what your saying and you can't really tell if he is vested. A lot of men will agree to things..but he may now be confused to what is clingy and may fear getting close to you will scare you off and now has to walk on eggshells.

 

I would also be very careful this road you thread. Because if you do become close to this man and put down your wall, it is very possible you may lead him to be detached and you attached in the future. This will cause a misalignment in the relationship.