I refuse to give up hope

[offwithhishead]

I don't want to make this too long but I need to get it out and I hope someone here will take the time to read it all and give me some perspective. I posted about my break up with my ex earlier this year. New developments have happened since.

 

My ex and I broke up December 2015. It seemed so long ago yet not so long at the same time. The break up was amicable. Things weren't going well and we both knew it. There were also external circumstances that certainly didn't help both our frames of mind at the time.

 

She was transitioning careers and her parents were visiting from China and were going to live with her. Both these things stressed her out. I don't want to go into all the cultural reasons. Basically, in the Chinese culture, being the only child, you can't refuse your parents if they want to come and live with you for awhile, especially all the way from China. Her parents were retiring and wanted to spend time with their daughter. Nothing wrong with this. She's an independent girl though and she particularly gets into arguments with her mom. So she wasn't thrilled at the prospect of her parents living with her. So this stressed her out considerably. At the same time, she was also unhappy with her job and she was studying hard for some certifications in order to transition to another role.

 

As for me, I was career obsessed at the time. Things were going really well for me and maybe I became a little over-confident. I had a pretty good social life at the time too. I think at the time, I wasn't too thrilled being with someone who was so down about her own career. There were times when I wanted to go out and she just wanted to stay at home and talk. I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good boyfriend. I guess due to my own situation, I wasn't sensitive enough to her situation.We never really got into a fight. We just drifted apart and stopped contacting each other.

 

In February 2015, she called me and asked if we could be friends. I took this the wrong way and felt a bit insulted because I never stay friends with my exes. I told her no we couldn't and that men and women can never be friends. She didn't really understand this because in her culture, there is no real term called "friendzoning" because romance always begins with friendship. To her, she doesn't understand the whole "friendzone" thing and why we in the west despise it so much.

 

In March of this year, I suffered a crisis in my career. Won't get into details. I kind of went into a nervous breakdown. This sounds overly dramatic but I promise you this is what happened. I was overseas for business trip and I was working long hours and was tired and I was in my hotel room and something in my mind snapped and I thought about her again. I decided I had made a mistake.

 

When I came back, I contacted her again. She seemed glad to speak to me again. I asked to meet up and she agreed. I didn't know at the time she had already met someone else. We were meeting for entirely different motives. I wanted to meet with her to reconcile with her and she was meeting up with me simply because she missed me.

 

We met up and I told her I made a mistake and I told her I wanted to try again. She kept saying no and finally when I pressed her, she admitted she had met somebody else. I asked if she loved the new guy. She said that if she did, she wouldn't have met up with me. But that he was caring and sincere and there were cultural reasons that they were a good fit and that she just wants a stable relationship. I still remember that night. She had taken care to dress up and put on makeup and look good. Not exactly something you do when you're meeting up with just a friend. When I kept telling her how I've changed and made a mistake, she cried and hugged me. We embraced and we made out a bit. She had to go home but she said we'd meet again the next evening. When the next day came and I texted her to meet up, she apologized and said that she wants to continue with her current path and that last night was a mistake. I was heartbroken. She said friendship is all she could offer for now. So this was in May. I tried the no contact rule for a month and when I texted her again, she told me she and the new guy were getting engaged and were moving in together. This shattered me.

 

In the next two months, I basically went mad. I lost a ton of weight. I also moved to an entirely new city. This helped a lot. I basically met new people and I even went on a couple of dates, nothing that really developed into anything. My career also improved again. I was given an important assignment as the overall leader. I decided I had somewhat healed. I decided the new city that I moved to wasn't really for me. I wanted to go back home and concentrate on my career again. By this time, I'd say I was well on the path to forgetting her. This was early September.

 

Then out of the blue, she contacted me again. I hadn't spoken with her for nearly 10 weeks. Ever since she told me the news she and the new guy were getting engaged and were moving in together. I asked her why she was contacting me and she said she missed me. I told her I'm not going to stick around and be the loser guy friend who has to listen to her complaints every time she and her boyfriend had a bad day. I was pretty angry. She was hurt and hung up on me. This contact with her affected me and all the pain came back. I went into a relapse again.

 

I instantly regretted what I said to her and tried calling her back but by then she had blocked my number. So I texted her that I was sorry. Finally I got her to text me back and over the couple of weeks, we regularly started texting each other. I normally don't do this and keep in contact with exes but some part of me couldn't stand losing her completely.

 

So far, all we've been doing is texting. And the things we talk about are just mundane things. We keep our distance because I don't want to know anything about her relationship so I'm afraid to talk about anything that might lead do that. I believe she does the same because she knows I don't want to hear about it. There was one night when I was drinking and I texted her things like how her new guy doesn't deserve her and things of that nature. I immediately regretted it and I thought she'd just block me forever but surprisingly, she wasn't angry. She texted me things like how she had "lost hope" in finding a good man. That's the first suspicion that I had that maybe her new relationship wasn't going so well.

 

This went on for about a month. This limbo state we're in. We clearly aren't real friends because the last time we met up as "friends", we ended up making out so she wasn't going to do that again because she felt guilty for cheating on her new guy. So we both know meeting up at this stage is out of the question.

 

Finally, last week, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know where this was going. I texted her that I am still in love with her but that I'm starting to lose hope. She then said that it had NOTHING to do with me. She said she's in a depressed state and that she's got to figure things out. I asked her to meet up and maybe we could talk about it and she said no, it's something she has to figure out on her own. I asked her how she felt about me. She says that for now, she sees me as a sincere friend, someone who she can talk about anything with.

 

I then continued to press. I asked her, "In the future, when you're feeling better, can we get to know each other again?"

 

She responded with a yes. She said, "In the future when there is a chance, I'm willing to get to know each other again."

 

I told her, "I'm not willing to be anyone's backup plan. You understand, don't you?"

 

She then said, "I don't have ANY backup plan. You think too much. I think we both need to cool down a little bit. I don't want to continue on this topic anymore."

 

I'm having suspicions that she and her new guy either broke up or on the verge of doing so. She also complained that her parents wanted to spend every single minute with her and how she just wished they would leave back to China. So that brings me that she and the new guy aren't living together anymore and that she's living with her parents.

 

She also says that she doesn't have any backup plan. The thing is, I strangely believe her. In all the time I've known her, she's always been honest and sincere. She's never deceived me in any way. She's always told me the truth, even if it hurt me.

 

I think when she re-established contact with me, maybe she and the new guy were already on the rocks. Maybe now they're broken up or in the process of doing so.

 

Or maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. If she really wanted to be with me, she would, wouldn't she? Or maybe she needs some alone time after getting out of a relationship?

 

She even said that it's not totally off the cards for us to date again but that right now she needs to "figure things out."

 

I don't know. Am I getting played? Can it be true that she is single now and that she truly does need time alone and some space?

 

The odd thing is that, by now, I think I'm pretty much ok with life without her. I feel like this entire experience has given me more wisdom and self-knowledge and I feel more confident overall. I still miss her and I want her but I'm also ok without her strangely. I'm starting to feel better about life again.

 

Should I just give her her space while moving on with my own life? What kind of contact should I still have with her?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I can see why you are suspicious that she and her boyfriend aren't doing well. It makes sense given some of the comments she's made.

 

But the fact that is that you have no idea if that is accurate or not. You're connecting the dots without any solid information to go by. The only thing you know is what she has actually told you, which was that she has a boyfriend and that she doesn't want to talk about reconciling with you.

 

Based on that, I would cease contact with her. It's keeping you stuck and you're driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what is happening in her life. Stay out of contact with her. Focus on healing and moving forward. She knows where to find you if she someday decides she wants to work things out with you. But don't keep hanging on. Get yourself used to living without her. That way regardless of what may come in the future, you'll be in a happier and healthier place.

[offwithhishead]

There is a whole industry out there that sells false hope to heartbroken souls. Bloggers, youtubers, etc. Some of them may actually be well-intentioned and some may even be psychologists who have scientific backing for their theories.

 

Then there are family and friends, all of whom who profess to know you so well. Sure, they have your best interests' at heart. But how well do they REALLY know you? I have close friends who I would do almost anything for and who have known me for years but even with them, I wouldn't say they completely know me. Even my own parents, who raised me, they don't know the real me, despite their claims.

 

The only person who really knows your situation is you. Everybody's breakup situation is unique. Every couple is unique.

 

It may be comforting to go onto this forum and just have supportive folks to vent to but at times, you spend too much time on here and obsessing. Sometimes you just go to follow your gut instinct.

 

Not saying your gut instinct is always correct. It is tempered by experience. But there are times when something just tells you that there is hope.

 

The advice i've heard on here such as giving up and moving on and just dropping your ex. A lot of that advice is colored and distorted by the person's own experience which may be completely different from yours. It is also motivated by ego, saving face, etc.

 

If you truly feel and you are willing to risk being hurt again and again because you believe there is even a small chance of reconciliation, then don't let anyone persuade you from doing so. Even if there is only a 10% chance, if you truly love this person, you will give it that chance.

 

I've already encountered enough rejections, heartbreak, pain and disappointment in my romantic life in the 33 years I've been on this earth. A little bit more, especially for someone I feel in my gut that I can trust and that I will come around, is worth it.

 

There will be people who think I'm desperate, lack self-esteem, etc. Ok fine. Maybe so. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[Kelley]

You are right every breakup is different but there is always a common theme. I know in my gut I would never take back a cheater no matter how much I loved him (I loved him more than myself). It's been hard, and he wants me back but I have said no. I think there is a point though when you do have to just accept it's over, you try once and you accept their decision. So many people become obsessed to get their exes back and that is not healthy. I would also say, take a step back, give yourself some space. If when you are feeling stronger you still want him back go for it. But when you are at your weakest and in pain, you are not thinking straight you just want the pain to end!

[offwithhishead]

You are right every breakup is different but there is always a common theme. I know in my gut I would never take back a cheater no matter how much I loved him (I loved him more than myself). It's been hard, and he wants me back but I have said no. I think there is a point though when you do have to just accept it's over, you try once and you accept their decision. So many people become obsessed to get their exes back and that is not healthy. I would also say, take a step back, give yourself some space. If when you are feeling stronger you still want him back go for it. But when you are at your weakest and in pain, you are not thinking straight you just want the pain to end!

 

In my case, there was no cheating. There was never an issue of trust. And she has always been honest and genuine both during our relationship and after our break up. Obviously there are problems between us but trust has never been an issue.

 

Which is why I still have hope. She's a sincere, honest person. And I just trust her. There have been girls I've dated in the past who are just plain undependable. They'll toss me to the wind if it suited their purposes.

 

With my ex, everything is straightforward and honest. She's just not the type of person who plays around with people's feelings.

 

She has told me that she needs time to figure things out in her life and that things may change between us in the future but no guarantees but she's leaving the door open to the possibility. I believe her.

[malebroken]

There is a whole industry out there that sells false hope to heartbroken souls. Bloggers, youtubers, etc. Some of them may actually be well-intentioned and some may even be psychologists who have scientific backing for their theories.

 

Then there are family and friends, all of whom who profess to know you so well. Sure, they have your best interests' at heart. But how well do they REALLY know you? I have close friends who I would do almost anything for and who have known me for years but even with them, I wouldn't say they completely know me. Even my own parents, who raised me, they don't know the real me, despite their claims.

 

The only person who really knows your situation is you. Everybody's breakup situation is unique. Every couple is unique.

 

It may be comforting to go onto this forum and just have supportive folks to vent to but at times, you spend too much time on here and obsessing. Sometimes you just go to follow your gut instinct.

 

Not saying your gut instinct is always correct. It is tempered by experience. But there are times when something just tells you that there is hope.

 

The advice i've heard on here such as giving up and moving on and just dropping your ex. A lot of that advice is colored and distorted by the person's own experience which may be completely different from yours. It is also motivated by ego, saving face, etc.

 

If you truly feel and you are willing to risk being hurt again and again because you believe there is even a small chance of reconciliation, then don't let anyone persuade you from doing so. Even if there is only a 10% chance, if you truly love this person, you will give it that chance.

 

I've already encountered enough rejections, heartbreak, pain and disappointment in my romantic life in the 33 years I've been on this earth. A little bit more, especially for someone I feel in my gut that I can trust and that I will come around, is worth it.

 

There will be people who think I'm desperate, lack self-esteem, etc. Ok fine. Maybe so. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

This is spot on. I've had two past breakups in two previous relationships, both of which we reconciled after more than 6 months of being told there no hope. I'm on my third long term relationship n again looks like no hope, but as much as it hurts I need to continue the hope. Good to hear positive ppl

[Murmillo]

This is spot on. I've had two past breakups in two previous relationships, both of which we reconciled after more than 6 months of being told there no hope. I'm on my third long term relationship n again looks like no hope, but as much as it hurts I need to continue the hope. Good to hear positive ppl

 

Could you share some more details of your reconciliations? Always interested in what factors made people grow apart and then back together again:).

[malebroken]

Could you share some more details of your reconciliations? Always interested in what factors made people grow apart and then back together again:).

 

Both cases, no cheating but I didn't treat them right after having a child with them. After the split, I realised my mistakes n worked harder at being a good dad. In doing so they saw a better me n we tried again

[Been]

I would put it all on the line. Trust your gut. But you gotta tell her put up or shut up. Either we try or we don't. No more back and forth. And if she doesn't know tell her when she's ready to commit you'll take her back but right now you can't keep going back and forth it will end up destroying you.

[Slimtripper]

Look what she told you. Not right now but the door is open for the future.

Do you want to be an option in case nothing else works out for her?

My ex just told me the same thing and i refused it and have gone complete NC.

No way am i waiting around while someone decides if its the right time to be with you.

And that makes you more attractive anyway. You honestly can not lose going NC.

You've been doing this situation for so long now and its eating away at your life, stopping you moving on and actually being happy