Single parents: why do the childless refuse to date us?

[MJJean]

I'm not a single mother. Heck, I'm just a 24 year old university student. Motherhood for me is still a ways away. However I did notice a stigma (maybe its just something on loveshack?) against single mothers being, as the OP described, gold-diggers so I do agree with the opening post.

 

I think there is a distinct difference between gold digging and making sure that the mate you select is financially responsible and will be a good partner on all levels.

 

It seems lot of people fail to recognize this distinction.

[preraph]

I recently had an experience. I was chatting to a guy from POF for a few weeks and we were about to meet when he suddenly confessed he had a daughter. We ended up not meeting for various reasons.

1. My profile stated that I would not date anyone with kids- I'm honest about that because I am not emotionally mature enough to deal with that. At 23, recently out of Uni etc- I still have days of feeling like a child myself

2. He stated he did not have children- so he basically lied which I couldn't handle. I would feel awful if I was his daughter and found that he was claiming I didn't exist to improve dating prospects!

3. His response was that his daughter lived with her mother- so he only saw her occasionally. This annoyed me too because he wasn't taking responsibility for his child. Seemed to make no effort to support her or be involved in her life.

 

If I was ever to have children then it would only be because I felt my partner was the type to support and be a good father and that we would parent as a team. I'm not overly maternal and couldn't deal with bringing up a child by myself.

 

This was my reasoning for why I didn't date this guy. I disliked his lack of involvement and lying more than the fact he had a child! I felt like I had to justify my reason for not meeting him after he said he had a daughter.

 

Back when I ran a childfree forum (for people who didn't want kids), I heard over and over again that on dating forums, even though they specifically said they were not dating anyone with kids, these people would contact them anyway and waste their time. No respect that someone can be different from them, and it also shows they're not looking for a real relationship but probably just sex.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with the points you made about him being an uninvolved dad being the reason you rejected him, because if a person has a kid, they need to be putting the kid above everything else. To shove it aside so they can resume their pre-family carousing is just not a good man or woman.

 

People with kids just have to be realistic and understand their own reality and I agree with the original poster to just own it and not give up, but I also think it's nuts to make dating a priority when you're trying to raise kids and unrealistic to expect many people to want to just fit into your family picture, because most people want to build their own. But there's plenty of single mothers and fathers out there, so just be realistic about who is the better match, and that would be others like you.

[Shining One]

I think there is a distinct difference between gold digging and making sure that the mate you select is financially responsible and will be a good partner on all levels.

 

It seems lot of people fail to recognize this distinction.

There's a distinction between wanting a financially responsible partner so they don't burden you and wanting a financially responsible partner so you can burden them. I'm okay with being wanted for the former, but not the latter. Unfortunately, we don't know the "why" unless we specifically ask. All we know is that she wants a financially responsible partner.

[cocorico]

I've been on both sides of this. I was a single, childless person who got involved with a divorced dad (and later married him). His being a dad wasn't the issue, TBH - it was the xW who still considered him her personal serf even though we lived miles away.

 

Later as a single parent, I had no shortage of single, childless men wanting to play house and score an instant family. As a single parent I did not want to play happy families - I had my family, and it was perfectly happy - so I kept my sex life and my family life completely separate.

[Wade Lamare]

I also think it can be age related.

 

In general, a younger guy/girl is less likely to want to date someone with children. They are less likely to be able to go out at the drop of a hat, family type excursions may not be what someone young, free and single wants to be involved in. Raucous parties and then sleeping in till midday are not possible.

 

However, as people mature their outlook changes and as partying becomes less desirable and life's responsibilities take hold things even out a little.

 

Above is just my gut opinion, no research was involved (other than my life)

[Miss Peach]

I'm a single parent and my last two LTRs were both childless men. I've probably dated more childless men than men with children. I'm open to both. Once you hit 30 more and more men seem accepting of it. FWIW I date men primarily in their 30s and 40s.

 

The biggest issue I've heard form the childless men are a lot of single parents seem to prefer other single parents and say things like they 'don't understand'.

 

I've run across some childless men who just need too much time and attention for my lifestyle but most have been great about it.