May need this sooner than later.. Impending break up?

[Pillarofsilence08]

So I have been with a girl for about a year. The start was the head over heels stuff. We're both late 20's. Both having a serious relationship or two beforehand.

 

After a couple months there were some bumps in the road. A bit of jealousy induced on my part. We get through it but she does say she is doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship. At that point we never sat down and said we are officially bf/gf. Said we enjoyed each others company and all the stuff couples do, sex, little bit of travel, dinner parties etc..I felt we just did this keeping it breezy which is cool. If she ever came around to wanting to formally be "official", I figured she would.

 

Throughout the last 10 months Ive learned to give her space when I think she wants it and it seems to work well. There are times when I think she could be a bit more "loving". But thats alright Ive been busy and so has she.

 

This last month she's been crazy busy and hard to get much time in with. We have a trip planned in less than a week. Tonight we hung out. Very nonchalant, I kept everything light and fun and she seemed receptive

 

So I just asked how are you feeling about it all?

 

Her: I'm alright I guess. I know I've been a little distant. Ive just been feeling to be alone a bit. My work is making me mental. how do you feel?

 

Told her "I feel the same as always. I like just having fun with you and I know you've been stressed so I wanted to give you space. We have a trip together in a week, is that a good idea?"

 

Her: "Yes it will be fun. I just really need some alone time these days and I still don't know if I ever want a relationship. (i find it funny how some people will define fwb or relationships, this being an exclusive fwb situation where we've both said we want exclusivity and keep daily tabs on each other, basicaly the same vibe as any relationship I've had). But yes the trip will be good, just needing some alone-ness."

 

I know that none of this sounds good. Truthfully, yes I do wish she'd come around and jump on board with two feet. Do I think its likely? No

 

The reason I'm in coping is to just prepare for what I think is the inevitable. As in more space for her, a trip for a few days that I doubt will do much to help her loosen up, and then finally a "lets stop seeing each other"..

 

My dilemma is that I'm in firm belief that Im in the best state of my life, physically, professionally, mentally. I just don't understand how to not take it personally when someone says they don't want to be in a relationship? I've done my best and just can't cope with why it isn't enough? I hope she truly means no relationship and not just me. I know it shouldn't matter but it'd be such a ego kill if she jumped in with someone else in a short period of time.

 

I don't believe theres anyone on the side for her. I take her at face value at that, I know there are cynics on this type of thing. Its just that this has been the status quo for a while and I don't think she's kept someone on the sidelines just to wait til now. Maybe if it was coming to a head at the start. She's a great woman though so once she is available it wouldn't take long if she wanted. If she does its really going to reiterate the not good enough question.

 

I know it was a read guys. Just trying to catch myself early before I fall in a hole !

[keiji]

I'm also of the opinion that not always there's someone else as some take for granted in any given breakup. In fact, it's easier for me to accept that someone new came along and promised the world to them than the fact that they leave just because you're not good enough.

 

That said, any chances of postponing that trip? If she truly needs time on her own, being together 24/7 for days on end could be terribly counter-productive. On the other hand, maybe it's what you two need to decide whether you carry on or break up in good terms.

[salparadise]

My dilemma is that I'm in firm belief that Im in the best state of my life, physically, professionally, mentally. I just don't understand how to not take it personally when someone says they don't want to be in a relationship? I've done my best and just can't cope with why it isn't enough? I hope she truly means no relationship and not just me. I know it shouldn't matter but it'd be such a ego kill if she jumped in with someone else in a short period of time.

 

 

She seems to have an avoidant attachment style, and/or fear of intimacy. You seems to want greater depth than she is able to tolerate. You find yourself working against what you want to give her enough space to feel comfortable and stay in the relationship... even though it's not really meeting your needs.

 

I think it's just the way she is, but you want more. You're doing a pretty good job of not acting like a clinger because you know that's the deal. You realize that what you need is important too, and she's not giving it to you. You're attached, so it's not easy to let go of what little intimacy you have in hopes of getting what you actually need. The bird in the hand problem.

 

I think you need to let her go and try to feel confident that there is someone who wants what you want. I was dating a woman sort of like that two years ago. She would go silent for several days sometimes, tell me when and when not to give her attention, etc. The whole thing had to be on her terms. It had an expiration date because she had to move, so I just let the clock run out. I took a year single and finally found a woman who matches my high capacity for intimacy and connection. It feels wonderful! I'd never go back. I now understand that avoidant types are not good for me.

 

I think you need to realize that she's probably not going to change and that wishing she would meet your needs is futile. As hard as it is, you need to let go so that you can open up the possibility of finding someone more reciprocal.

[Logo]

Leave her while you're still feeling good about yourself. Cancel the trip. That's what I would do. I was in a relationship like that once and it got to the point where I became resentful and upset because it was on her terms and she wasn't meeting my needs. I felt used and felt like I was in a FWB relationship.

[Pillarofsilence08]

I'd like to just leave while I'm feeling good on one hand. It's just hard when I feel like she's not all the way out.. I mean let's still go on the trip together? Have I been too easy to get, not enough of a challenge.

 

I hate this familiar frantic feeling of not sleeping, forcing to eat, checking the phone.

 

I mean I gave her an out on the trip and basically us as well. Didn't beg or plead. Just listened and said I didn't want anyone wasting anyone's time. But she didn't take it. Still said the trip will be fun and a welcome relief. Who goes on a trip with someone they're "meh" about?

[loveiswar101]

I'm abit different to the others. You like her..but what you are doing is over thinking everything!

 

Do you really think things will finish? Do you really need a tag on you and her?

 

Give her space and time to miss you! When not with her, do your thing!

 

Go on the trip have fun, that's what you want! So go have fun together.

 

Do your only thing will fulfill your needs and not hers making your life fun, great and enjoyable, if she wants that she will notice and jump on board.

 

But also take into account if she is busy at work, she's busy and with this thats your time then, to hang with you mates, go gym, hobbies etc.

 

The big issue I see is you do want more and a label, if you persist with this you are doomed. You both have said you are exclusive, enough for me.

Edited October 30, 2016 by loveiswar101

[Logo]

"There are times when I think she could be a bit more 'loving'"

 

Can you elaborate?

 

Do you feel that she is emotionally available? How does she feel about intimacy?

[Pillarofsilence08]

Logo, I just feel that she can be so over the place regarding intimacy and like loving behaviour. This last week I hardly have known her from a hole in the ground or maybe I just feel that way because she's not seeming in to put in too much effort. Maybe my sensitivity to that is on overdrive??

 

On the contrast, two months ago, we had opposite work schedules and she would tell me to come to her house in the wee hours of the morning and just let myself in, she would then wake me up several hours later just kissing me, etc.. So from that to this, with no real change in my behaviour towards her.

 

I had to leave town for the last day and half for work, since me and her had our talk on Friday night, the talk that wasn't negatively charged, just honest, ("feeling to be alone, don't want to be pressured, but still think the trip is a good idea!"/ended with a nice embrace and long kiss started be her) I had asked her to let me know how her Saturday went but haven't heard a thing. Do I even try and start convo today ? or just give her all the space and go dead quiet til she contacts me ? Let her miss me as Loveiswar101 thinks? And just go about my business..

[Trinity_84]

I agree with someone above who said you guys have different "attachment" styles. You want a normal loving, emotionally charged relationship, and she doesn't. That doesn't bode very well for the future does it?

 

Also,

 

I mean I gave her an out on the trip and basically us as well. Didn't beg or plead. Just listened and said I didn't want anyone wasting anyone's time. But she didn't take it.

Do you want to break up with her? Then *break up with her*! Why are you setting her up to make the choices? If you don't feel sure about the trip, then *you* should cance/postpone it. You're letting her have all the leverage here and it's not going to do any wonders for your self esteem, even if you do stay together. You need to start being more assertive about what you want. Maybe that's why this girl doesn't want a relationship with you?

 

Still said the trip will be fun and a welcome relief. Who goes on a trip with someone they're "meh" about?

Maybe she just likes traveling? Maybe you're fun to hang out with but she just doesn't feel enough chemistry? (especially since you two seem to be vibing on different wavelengths at this point).

[Pillarofsilence08]

Just a little update:

 

We did end up going on the trip. We had a lot of fun. She was pretty natural to be around and seemed to like my company. It wasn't super intimate feeling despite sharing a bed however we were sharing a room with another couple from her family. no sex due to the family factor but a lot of cuddly and little massages etc while laying together.

 

The one day I completed a tough mudder type race thing, after completing she was so happy to see me, telling me how proud of me she was and just couldn't seem to stop smiling at me. She suggested the next day we should go out together for a bit of the afternoon and be together and talk as to that point we had been doing mainly everything as a group. The next day we got caught up in some group activities so we never did, i later asked if there was something she wanted to talk about and she just said "no, no, don't freak out!"

 

Came back home and said bye to everyone and it was a pretty casual little kiss and a "see you soon!" from her.

 

So to sum it all down, the trip felt natural, not super lovey charged but i didnt put in any effort to make it feel that way; didn't want to push any thing. I had fun with everything, she seemed to as well.

 

Just wondering what anyone's take of this is. Is she still interested despite the ghost like nature preceding this trip? Whats my next move? Just move on with my life and see if she puts in more effort to reach out?

[Logo]

You need to sit down with yourself and figure out how the relationship is making you feel. Do you feel like you're constantly on thin ice? If that's the case, it shouldn't be.

 

Have you two sat down and asked each other where you see yourselves a year from now? If you're in no rush, then don't rush her. But, manage your expectations accordingly.

 

I would want to be in a relationship where my partner and I feel the same about the time, effort and commitment we put into a relationship. Anytime there's an imbalance there, there's going to be tension.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Logo

[Pillarofsilence08]

You need to sit down with yourself and figure out how the relationship is making you feel. Do you feel like you're constantly on thin ice? If that's the case, it shouldn't be.

 

Have you two sat down and asked each other where you see yourselves a year from now? If you're in no rush, then don't rush her. But, manage your expectations accordingly.

 

I would want to be in a relationship where my partner and I feel the same about the time, effort and commitment we put into a relationship. Anytime there's an imbalance there, there's going to be tension.

 

Thanks Logo. How the relationship makes me feel really depends on the time. A little update for you, Friday night I asked her to come for dinner. She made no excuses, which seemed positive, she came by with wine. We ate, shared a bottle of wine and seemed very comfortable with each other, like date nights of the not so far past, not distant like the last couple weeks. I felt us close and I think she did too.

 

She said first "I just want to be transparent, you've been so patient and generous. I know I'm trying and wanting to find myself like I feel you have in your past. It's just that I've gone it seems relationship to relationship" (the last before me I think was a year before we met, I've never asked because I'm a firm believer the last is the past, and I've concluded she's had like two serious relationships).

 

She started to well up. I said "this isn't working is it? I can't wait forever" and she said she doesn't want me to because she knows it would be selfish, that she didn't know how long she needed. I just said I really saw us going somewhere and that I've been confused. I did ask if there was anyone involved, she vehemently said there was no one else, no one else she was interested in or really into her. It's a very SMALL town and you couldn't hide anything; and this is one thing I truly trust her on. I have had my share of a shady girlfriend. She's honest.

 

I told her I just don't know if I can wait. My heart wants her and my mind is telling me that there's a worthy girl out there that would be happy to be fully reciprocal. That this was hard on me on the times where she has to be like this.

 

We just started to hold each other and she said she just doesn't know what to do. --- real simple. Tell me this can't work while you find yourself! And as we got close we just embraced and engaged in some of the most passionate sex we've had yet. This was followed by a lot of eye staring and her falling asleep on my chest. I dropped her off the next morning with no awkwardness before work.

 

I know I'm sounding stubborn, maybe only reading into the signs that won't hurt my heart or ego. But why after several times with these convos that go no where, or have a conclusion do we reconnect and times like this ignite?

 

I feel my best plan is letting go and living my life. Which I've started to do already the last couple weeks as my attempt at communication has greatly declined. If she reaches out, maybe be stern with this girl as others in her and in my personal circle have told me. Tell her if she just wants attention that I can't hold for that and won't and if she wants an honest shot, she needs to step up. I'm not going to put her in a a box. Sorry for the length. Thanks greatly for any insight..