My strange reaction when a co-worker left

[fancyclown]

I'm a 30 year old male, married. A 20 year started working with me about 6 months ago. I don't have any female friends typically and I found we got on really well, we'd have lots of interesting conversations and loads of great banter winding each other up. I'd come home from work on a real high some days. She's really intelligent and interesting, I have a lot of respect for her. I think perhaps I had a stronger connection with her than I do with my wife, sad to say. We've never talked dirty or sexual, no flirting, etc.

 

She's pretty but not really my type, I don't fancy her, it's not like I have feeling of being with her. She has a boyfriend, i'm not jealous of him or anything.

 

So it all seemed like a good solid friendship in my head. The bit that's got me confused is she's left my place of work, her visa ran out. She has no ties to the UK, she's moving to another continent and won't be coming back. That's that, gone for good.

 

I've found myself really depressed over her leaving, I haven't really been eating properly over the last few days. Constantly down, listening to music she liked, etc. This all seems a bit weird to me, it's like my heart and head aren't aligned, I shouldn't be as down as I am, it's as though i'm heartbroken.

 

Maybe i'd feel the same way if a male friend left for good but i'm not so sure my feelings would be so strong.

 

I'm not sure what i'm asking or saying, just not got anyone to talk to so putting it here.

[michaelm700]

Doesn't sound like a smoldering attraction. Sounds like you worked pretty closely every day. So, not saying you have a bad job , but maybe it's something like being in prison and having a great cell mate. There is a bond that extends beyond mere friendship because of the close ties and shared tasks. If, suddenly, that cell mate was gone forever (death row , for example) it would definitely leave a hole and make one feel depressed.

 

You lost some sunshine that will likely never return, but that is life at times. You will adapt. Just be thankful for the time you had together. Think of some of the things she did that made work fun and see if you can use some of that on others to honor her and spread the cheer.

[fancyclown]

Thanks for the reply, the prison analogy is a good one, it makes sense to me.

 

This girl is my first proper female friend I've had, in the past when I've become friendly with women it's usually because I wanted to date them so I was friends with a purpose. Or i'd be friendly with women without being close.

 

We totally clicked and could talk non-stop for hours. I've not experienced that type of friendship before. I kind of feel like it's exposed some flaws in my relationship with my wife as I don't feel we have that same connection. I definitely found this girl more stimulating to be around than my wife, our knowledge and interests were similar.

 

My wife was totally jealous of her after reading some messages (all totally innocent but my wife decided she was into me). Her boyfriend sometimes came to our work and I had the occasional feeling he might be slightly jealous when he'd see our banter. I'm sure she wasn't attracted to me. I guess close male-female friendships cause trouble.

 

There is another college who worked in the same room as us, he's 20 years older than her but I think he felt the same way about her leaving, I think she left an impression on the pair of us.

[Noideanow]

You Can lie all you want to yourself but you Will live a lifetime of regret, the fact that you dont fancy her or think she is your type makes me think she is making a wise move though:(

[Timshel]

So this woman came into and out of your life and has woken an awareness of some things. This is good...it's a tap on your shoulder. Often people who come and go give this kind of gift, if we pay attention.

 

She isn't a soul mate and the grief you are feeling is more about what she brought out of your subconscious than her actual physical presence.

 

What have you learned and what are you going to do about it?

[fancyclown]

You Can lie all you want to yourself but you Will live a lifetime of regret, the fact that you dont fancy her or think she is your type makes me think she is making a wise move though:(

 

 

 

I'm not deluding myself when I say I don't fancy her. I've fancied co-workers in the past but not her, we just seemed to hit it off as friends.

 

I don't know what you mean when you say a lifetime of regret? Regret over what exactly?

 

I think michaelm700 describing it as some sunshine leaving my life is a good way to put it.

 

Her leaving has brought my career into focus. She's just qualified from Uni with a 1st, she has big plans and ambitions, is looking for jobs in Australia, Asia and Europe, lots of possibility for her. She'll be successful, I know it. I on the other hand feel i'm in a dead end career and need to make a change. I wish her the best but i'm a bit envious, she'll be off to do bigger and better things and she took my sunshine with her.

[fancyclown]

So this woman came into and out of your life and has woken an awareness of some things. This is good...it's a tap on your shoulder. Often people who come and go give this kind of gift, if we pay attention.

 

She isn't a soul mate and the grief you are feeling is more about what she brought out of your subconscious than her actual physical presence.

 

What have you learned and what are you going to do about it?

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

On a practical point she stopped me using "girl" and "gay" in a negative way to describe something (I guess that's what I was brought up around and never gave it much thought)

 

On a deeper level I guess it show's I need to spend more time talking to my wife and try and generate some deeper connections.

[purplesoccer34]

At work, we can easily from close bonds and friendships that have nothing to do with attraction. Especially since we spend so much time around our coworkers. In the past, I worked with a guy about 10 years older than me. We always joked around and I had a lot of fun conversing with him. His girlfriend would observe us closely whenever we talked--but I can't say for sure why.

 

When he left our work place, I felt the same way you did. I was so upset. My extreme reaction sort of confused me, but I knew I wasn't attracted to him. I later realized that I just missed our conversations and the jokes we shared. For a short while, I felt sort of empty going to work--there was a serious void when he left. But I knew I didn't fancy him.

 

I think yours is a similar situation.

[fancyclown]

Thank you for your reply. It's been just over a week since she's gone and the sadness has passed. Me, her and our other colleague still talk and have banter on Facebook messages together so that's nice.

 

My wife is full on jealous of her, checking my phone, etc. She's had loads of male friends she talks to and I never question it.