Can someone talk to my heart?

[books2]

I’m would need someone to smack some sense in me.

 

My ex of 3 years (24) left to go work across the country for the summer in June. I’m 32. She would text me about how things were going there for the first 10 days. Then she just ghosted me. Eventually she let me know it was over in between us in July and in September we briefly got in touch and she let me know she had found someone new on her trip. Figures.

 

In the 4 months apart, I’ve been really focusing on myself. Thinking about my flaws and re-living all that happened. Thinking how certain things about myself were bad to the relationship and how I could change it in the future. I’ve been jogging and eating healthy. Started volunteer work once in a while. I blocked her off of all social media.

 

She texted me Monday out of the blue, at like 3 am... Saying she missed me and bla bla bla... I tried to have her come over but she wanted to see me as ''friends'' I told her there was no way we would see or talk to one another as '' just friends"... She is still with her new boyfriend obviously so she did not want to cheat on him.

 

I was not interested in having any friendly conversations with her, but somehow I got stuck into it because she let me know she was thinking of leaving the new bf to try and work on things with me again...

 

So we texted for hours on end and I said everything perfectly. I was open and honest and we chatted about us and our past, made some peace on events that kind of thing. I told her where my reflections had led me and what I had learned. I let her know that EVERY single one of our issues originated in the fact that she is so insecure. She agreed. I let her know how I understood this now and how I would want to help her with it as her boyfriend.

 

Eventually, I gave her time to make a decision about me or the new BF. She came back a few moments later just to talk trash about her new BF. Stuff like he tells her to her face he doesn’t love her much and she is not a priority for him. I listened and did not really reply much and after a while of this she said she was sorry and cruel towards me. Basically, she does not want to be with me, but would rather be with the new guy and ‘’hope he would change’’.

 

It crushed me again. I felt like I was reliving the very first moment of our break up over again. I don’t understand how she could choose someone ‘’over me’’ in this way. I won’t pretend like our relationship was perfect. It was not! And frankly most of the negative from our relationship came from her. However, I did not understand woman and how to deal with the negativity she was throwing at us. Eventually, I somewhat gave up on it and just focused on working and building savings. I even remember thinking to myself I would be happier by myself than with her.

 

I blocked her number now. But basically, I’m afraid.

 

I am certain that she will try and get in touch in the future. From all she shared about her new rebound BF, it will not work out.

 

My question is: how to heck do I get to a state where I can be strong enough by myself to not take her back when this happens?? I swear, I wish to be able to tell her that I don’t want to be with her and entirely mean it! But right now, I’m not in this state at all! In the 4 months apart, I was not able to get myself in that state and am scared I’ll never get there.

 

My head understands just how bad this girl is for me, but my heart just wants her so much again. My heart is thinking that we can get together again and somehow things would be different and I KNOW this is not true, but I can’t detach from the fantasy of it all. To top it off, I’m still so sexually attracted to her and just can’t stop wanted her and her body in this way.

 

The only way I can imagine myself getting in a state where I can reject her is if I meet someone new and better. But sincerely, I don’t want to go out and date right now. I’m not in the mood for it. I tried to force myself to it, but my results were mediocre. Honestly, I just got rejection and cancelled dates. Every time this happens, I just end up missing my ex even more. Even if I understand I’m not getting the proper results because I am not really giving it an honest and serious try. Point being, I don’t think I will be doing much effort to replace her anytime soon.

 

Right now, I’m just in the mood to focus on building a business for myself. I have a great job that gives me PLENTY of leisure time to focus on business ideas and I would like to take advantage of this while I can.

 

Can anyone talk directly to my heart and tell him to get his act together?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and come out on the other side, where to rejected their EX, even while being with no one else?

[Kelley]

She has chosen the new guy would you want her back knowing she chose him over you, and you are the backup plan? If you go no contact you will be able to take a step back and see the situation for what it is. I have been in a pretty similar situation, my ex chose the woman he cheated on me with. At first I was in so much pain I would have taken him back probably if he asked. 4 weeks NC, he wants me back and I have remained NC, there is no way I want him back now! I'm worth so much more, and when I'm ready I will find someone who deserves me. If you put some distance between you and her try and move on, trust me you won't want her back. It's funny how with some distance your self worth and respect comes back!

[RyanO1991]

The exercise, the healthy eating and the work (in moderation) are good choices.

 

For me, the key thing is change. I'm changing lots of things in my life (not necessarily through choice) and it's helping me move forward more quickly - it makes the breakup seem much less significant.

 

Volunteering is also a great move - if you can help others then you can recognise your own value outside of the relationship you had.

 

I know dating is hard. I'm doing the same and it's tough. But the more you put yourself out there, the more success you'll have. Don't necessarily think of it as a way of meeting a new partner - just enjoy meeting new people.

[books2]

She has chosen the new guy would you want her back knowing she chose him over you, and you are the backup plan? If you go no contact you will be able to take a step back and see the situation for what it is. I have been in a pretty similar situation, my ex chose the woman he cheated on me with. At first I was in so much pain I would have taken him back probably if he asked. 4 weeks NC, he wants me back and I have remained NC, there is no way I want him back now! I'm worth so much more, and when I'm ready I will find someone who deserves me. If you put some distance between you and her try and move on, trust me you won't want her back. It's funny how with some distance your self worth and respect comes back!

 

Kelly this is just my problem. I can not get in that state... Even with NC...

 

Initially we had 50+ days of no contact and I broke. She then informed me that she had found someone else. I understood at that point she used me and kept me in her life until she found someone else to replace me with.

 

We had about 4 weeks of NC when she wrote to me on Monday... And still, I wanted her.

 

That is just what shocks me the most. That she choose the new bf over me. It kills me and make me want to move on so much more.

 

But I'm afraid I will never get to that point! I don't think its a matter of NC... NC is definitely going to be there... It's more, how do I do get there while in NC?

 

Distance does not seem to do it for me... and my head knows, she choose him over me and does not want to give her the option of having me ever again. But when she comes back (which I really think will happen, in the future), I just so concerned I will cave and take her back. Right now, I definitely would and I can't imagine that changing for a while.

Edited October 29, 2016 by books2

[niji]

It's alright not feeling like dating right now. You need time to grieve. You've been together for 3 years and need to sort out your emotions. The best thing right now is blocking all contacts. ALL. And eventually you will move on. It may not be right away, but you will.

 

Just tell yourself, she does not love you. Whatever feelings she had for you do not equal love. She loves herself and does thing to feel validated. She loves neither you, nor the new guy. And talking smack about one's partner to another is my pet peeve. They're your partner, talk to their face and stop being a coward. I also don't understand what she's trying to achieve by being with a guy who states he doesn't love her much. Maybe she's one of those who thinks she can change people. Again, she does things to make herself feel good - that's not love.

 

Imagine a future with her again - imagine that she does it again, to you. When is it going to stop? The answer is never, because you can't change a person, they are who they are. And you're not 18 any more. Surely you don't need to rush to find someone to settle down with, but also you're not at the stage where you can make mistake (ie. being with someone who ditched you for another dude) over and over again.

 

It's time to move on. This too shall pass. And she'll be ok, more than ok. Because remember? She does not love you.

[books2]

It's alright not feeling like dating right now. You need time to grieve. You've been together for 3 years and need to sort out your emotions. The best thing right now is blocking all contacts. ALL. And eventually you will move on. It may not be right away, but you will.

 

Just tell yourself, she does not love you. Whatever feelings she had for you do not equal love. She loves herself and does thing to feel validated. She loves neither you, nor the new guy. And talking smack about one's partner to another is my pet peeve. They're your partner, talk to their face and stop being a coward. I also don't understand what she's trying to achieve by being with a guy who states he doesn't love her much. Maybe she's one of those who thinks she can change people. Again, she does things to make herself feel good - that's not love.

 

Imagine a future with her again - imagine that she does it again, to you. When is it going to stop? The answer is never, because you can't change a person, they are who they are. And you're not 18 any more. Surely you don't need to rush to find someone to settle down with, but also you're not at the stage where you can make mistake (ie. being with someone who ditched you for another dude) over and over again.

 

It's time to move on. This too shall pass. And she'll be ok, more than ok. Because remember? She does not love you.

 

Hey Niji, thanks... That hit the home base...

 

Yes, she definitely is the kind who tries and change people and somehow is just never really satisfied... I ended up changing a lot for her, so maybe it is my fault.

 

As for talking, she does not talk... She complains and just makes herself and her partner miserable. Her mom is the same, she just complains and wines to my ex about her father (my ex's father) and how unsatisfied she is about their relationship... The worse is the father is a really awesome guy.

 

Anyways, my mind realises it's over... My mind wants me to forget about her and move on... But my heart keeps lingering at the thought of our happy memories and to the false ideas I had attached to her... It's holding on to these feelings I would get when we had some really nice times together.

 

It makes me sad to know that we had such chemistry, compatibility and my attraction for her was out of this world. I'm sad that she would choose someone else over me after all we lived and all we managed to establish together. All the nice activities we would have together as well.

 

I'm not dating right now because I have rosacea and it's somehow holding me back... Never knowing what your face will look like, I think it's best to take some time off from it all. I would like to work on this issue also before I get back to it... I'm sure if I was dating however it would help me move on.

 

Anyways, I told the ex on our last conversation that I was blocking her number and email... She has no way of getting in touch now...

 

And before I blocked her, she had said : ''I know where you live''... I know for a fact sooner or later she will come around... Her rebound is doomed and she will look for something from me. I just don't know how to get to a place where I can tell her no...

 

Maybe my desire is purely sexual at this point... I really just want her that way more than anything else...

 

I'm not sure, sometimes it's a very emotional feeling and other times, it's just sexual...

 

? Help

Edited November 2, 2016 by books2

[BluesPower]

I realize that you love her, but NC is the only way to go.

 

NC is put into place, to help you heal, and over time it will do just that.

 

Here is another thing, you need to take the attitude that if a woman does not want you, OK, there are so many of them out there. You can, without a doubt find 10 others better for you than her.

 

Also, I think every man gets to have one woman that will make him a fool. Well, you are only 24 and you have had yours. So that does bode well for the future.

 

The other thing is the difference in life between 24 and 32 is actually pretty huge. Those are such formative adult years. In a way, she probably saw you as her boy toy in training.

 

You will be so much better off without this woman in your life.

[TheTraveler]

To top it off, I’m still so sexually attracted to her and just can’t stop wanted her and her body in this way.

 

That other guy is pounding that sexually beautiful body every damn day.

 

And you sit there and sulk wanting her back? Go find someone else.

[VeveCakes]

I realize that you love her, but NC is the only way to go.

 

NC is put into place, to help you heal, and over time it will do just that.

 

Here is another thing, you need to take the attitude that if a woman does not want you, OK, there are so many of them out there. You can, without a doubt find 10 others better for you than her.

 

Also, I think every man gets to have one woman that will make him a fool. Well, you are only 24 and you have had yours. So that does bode well for the future.

 

The other thing is the difference in life between 24 and 32 is actually pretty huge. Those are such formative adult years. In a way, she probably saw you as her boy toy in training.

 

You will be so much better off without this woman in your life.

 

You have their ages reversed fyi.

[books2]

That other guy is pounding that sexually beautiful body every damn day.

 

And you sit there and sulk wanting her back? Go find someone else.

 

Thanks for the reminder... f_O lol...

 

I'm not trying to just ''go find someone else'' ... I'm trying to get ready for the ''big parade''... get it?

 

I'm trying to improve every aspect of my life while I am free and have spare time... Trying to focus on building long lasting foundations in order to become someone ever more strong and solid. Someone happier and able to attract someone even better...

 

For the first time in my life, I'm trying to do things right, rather than quick.

 

It's just so darn hard presently. It feels like life is purposely trying to keep me down...

 

What we had was amazing ... I'm sure you guys have read this 1000s of times on this board, but it was really special for me... To look at someone and just know how meaningful this person would be in your life before ever saying a word... That is how I felt... I've never felt this strongly in my life.

 

It just failed because of my situation... I have a daughter and she could not live with that fact... It ate her from the inside and somehow it managed to kill us... Mind you, I take my part of the responsibility for not knowing how to handle it.

 

As much as I am hurt from the whole thing, I know that I need to move on to other things... I'm just really struggling to let it go... It is extremely hard... And my mind just keeps holding so tightly to the smallest bits of hope... I need to find a way to let go of that hope and completely release.

 

However, no matter how much I try to reason with myself, my mind or my heart constantly drift back to the bits of hope...

 

I think I have learned all I needed to learn from the experience (which is A LOT)... I just need to find a way to release and jump back to other things. I accept I will have to be alone for the time I get things (my life) in order.

 

My heart is just making me hold on to it because it was so precious and valuable to me... But I'm so completely tired of it and I'm tired of feeling the way I feel. I'm tired of this horrible feeling putting pressure on my shoulders constantly. I'm tired of not being able to breathe properly. I'm tired of sitting and sulking!

 

I just don't know how to get things moving and myself forgetting. But I feel I am getting closer.

[books2]

So yeah... It happened... What I knew would happen sooner or later...

 

Today, randomly, she shows up at my doorstep...

 

She said she had a dream about me and impulsively decided to come over.

 

I let her in... We had a big hug and then we somewhat cuddled and talked for a few hours... I was being touchy feely... Trying to have my way into sex, but she did not want to and eventually I took it easy and calmed my hormones... I went as far as grabbing her boob through the clothes and kissed her jawline/neck/ears... touched her legs and bum as well through her stockings.

 

She still has the boyfriend, but heck, like you can imagine things aren't rosy...

 

She is just lost in confused and doesn't know what she wants...

 

She did not look so good and gained some weight, but I still honestly find her as attractive as ever. That woman could be 50 to 100 pounds lighter or 100 pounds heavier and I would still always find her so damn attractive.

 

I tried to keep things light and fun... Obviously there was some serious parts to our discussion, but in the end we just played around with one another and when leaving one another throwed snow at each other and just goofed around.

 

The major irritant is that remotely NOTHING as changed about her... She still is the extremely anxious person who left me. Her character has not improved one ion... Meanwhile, I took some major steps into making myself into a more secure individual with the proper positive approach to relationships. She told me openly she had no remorse whatsoever for what she put me through these last 6 months and I could feel she still had some of her old anger towards me.

 

My plan is to keep solid no contact again, but I know within a matter of time, she will be back again, probably single and open to my touchy feely ways.

 

I would somewhat like to try again with her, just to know with certainty that it is never going to work, but somewhere I might just have the wrong intentions and would like to use her for sex and eventually dump her myself or leave her for someone else myself... I suppose I would like to see how things could go and create another ending for myself (or at least my ego) in the worse case scenario. But am still very attached and in love with the young lady and my mind thinks that maybe since I've changed so much this time around it could work.

 

Can anyone actually get through to my heart or is it hopeless and I will just have to live it and find out the outcome for myself?

[niji]

My plan is to keep solid no contact again, but I know within a matter of time, she will be back again, probably single and open to my touchy feely ways.

 

So you'd like to be the dumpster she goes back to every time things aren't "rosy"? If you're OK with that, feel free. I'm surprised even you said you've "changed"; reading your post makes me feel like nothing has changed at all. Remember, you CANNOT forget if there's still contact. Her showing up at your door is the worst kind.

 

On the other hand if you think you can just play around with her and not getting attached, that's fine too. But then maybe she'll be the one getting (more) hurt this time around, and then you'll look back and blame yourself for hurting someone you once loved. Blah blah blah

 

I'd say right now she's the only one on your mind, I've been there, I know how that feels, but if it didn't work the first time around, it's not going to work the 2nd, or 3rd, or n time. And you're not 18 to be doing the rinse & repeat mistakes. Life is long, but it's also incredibly short. Surround yourself with those who deserve you.

[books2]

So you'd like to be the dumpster she goes back to every time things aren't "rosy"? If you're OK with that, feel free. I'm surprised even you said you've "changed"; reading your post makes me feel like nothing has changed at all. Remember, you CANNOT forget if there's still contact. Her showing up at your door is the worst kind.

 

On the other hand if you think you can just play around with her and not getting attached, that's fine too. But then maybe she'll be the one getting (more) hurt this time around, and then you'll look back and blame yourself for hurting someone you once loved. Blah blah blah

 

I'd say right now she's the only one on your mind, I've been there, I know how that feels, but if it didn't work the first time around, it's not going to work the 2nd, or 3rd, or n time. And you're not 18 to be doing the rinse & repeat mistakes. Life is long, but it's also incredibly short. Surround yourself with those who deserve you.

 

You are right about it all Niji... It's real crappy to be the dumpster she will be going back to... It's just so ridiculous because she is young and inexperienced and does not know a good thing from something not so good...

 

No matter how hurt I can be and would like to pull away for my ego or self love, I just don't think I can... I want us to give it another real try...

 

I did change a lot in the 6 months we were apart... Mostly stuff about being more communicative, stop playing stupid games like giving her the silence treatment and such... I feel like I could make it work this time around, but for everything that was directly her fault, these things will still be around and I might just fail because of those (again really)...

 

I am getting holder and am at an age where I would like to find someone really decent for the rest of our lives, but I don't see it as anything to rush towards... I think guys just gain in attractiveness with age. Anyways, even if we completely split right now, I would still not go out and seriously look for someone else for quite a while... 6 months to a year...

 

I think if I don't try again with her, I will always have to wonder how things would have been with a second try this time around...

 

She definitely is the closest thing to love at first sight I have experienced and I can't really get over that feeling yet... Even after 6 months of being the dumpster...

[niji]

You are right about it all Niji... It's real crappy to be the dumpster she will be going back to... It's just so ridiculous because she is young and inexperienced and does not know a good thing from something not so good...

 

Just like you, when I was in a similar situation (someone I liked that didn't like me back but still gave breadcrumbs) I knew exactly where I stood, but still couldn't quit until 3 months after rejection day I also told myself I wanted to give it a try, wait it out until he "realizes" his feelings for me (again, because of the breadcrumbs, it's easy to deceive yourself). My best friend used really really harsh words with me every day (similar to the "dumpster" word I used for you, I felt kinda bad using harsh word but I just want to be helpful), and she definitely helped me move on.

 

The thing is, it takes 2 to make a successful relationship. Sometimes we try to take it all on ourselves and think we alone can change the outcome - I also did, and later realized that was just arrogance on my part. I alone could not change something made of TWO people.

 

You're not her priority and never will be, from the look of it.

 

And when I said you're no longer 18, what I mean is that life can be really short for all we know - that's how I approach life in general, that maybe I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow. When that time comes, you definitely don't want to be regretting spending your time with someone so futile.

 

Also I definitely agree that many men get more charming with age; I'm not worried about that aspect of your life But as you get older, the dating pool does get narrower somewhat. It's much easier for men to date younger women than the reverse, but still, a huge age gap can be difficult to overcome too. You don't want to be 40 trying to date a 25 year old when your stages in life are too different (ultimately ages don't matter, where you are in life do).

[books2]

I realise I am getting breadcrumbs too... I realise she said she wanted to try working it out with this new boyfriend before me... I realise all this implies and signifies...

 

I'm probably still creating a bunch of random scenarios in my head...

 

Hell, for whatever its worth, when she was here, she started to cry about talking about the new boyfriend who was ''unable'' to love anyone...

 

She sure as heck wasn't crying for me or for what she put me through...

 

She wanted to know about my dating life and I refused to tell her any details... What am I suppose to say? ''No I haven't been with anyone since you'' and loose all attractiveness... Anyways, she was getting pissed because I wouldn't tell her... She was saying I didn't change because of it and such things... When the reality is she did not change... she is still the same selfish and stupid girl inquiring about things that will just torture her and then blames me for it.

 

I don't know what I'm still doing hooked on this one... Such a waste of time... But sooooo hard to let go of...

 

On the other hand, I will hand it to her... Showing up at someone's doorstep is pretty ballsy... I wouldn't have showed up to her place like that, for any reason.

[LargoLagg]

This is going to sound a little crazy, but you have to train your brain to fall out of love. This may take a few times, but try it. It will help you.

 

Close your eyes and remember what it felt like to open that door and see her, and then play that movie until you get to that hurtful moment where you first understood that she was not there to rekindle things with you. Relive the whole thing, in vivid living color, right up to that moment. As soon as you feel that hurt, open your eyes.

 

Next, close your eyes, think of that movie again, except this time, see it not through your eyes, but like you're a third party, a fly on the wall or something. You'll notice it doesn't feel nearly as personal that way. What you're doing there is weakening the connection between the bad feeling and the memory. Do that a few times, and open your eyes between each time. Do that until it feels normal to think of it from that perspective.

 

The next step is hard to do, but it just takes a little practice.

 

Then ,close your eyes, bring up that final scene (not from the beginning, but right where it hurt) except see it through your eyes again and freeze it. Turn it black and white, and then play it backwards until you're about to open that door. While you play it backwards, shrink that memory in size, like put it into a shrinking circle until it turns into a dot that disappears. Let your mind go black.

 

Now make up a new memory and see it through your eyes. Answer the door when you hear that knock. When you see her face, ask her what she's doing there. Tell her she's not welcome. Tell her she looks like **** and to lose some weight. Tell her to leave and tell her to never come back. Notice the shocked look on her face. Close the door on her. Feel empowered, feel like you're the one in charge. When you can play that scene in your head from start to finish, open your eyes and see how it feels. Notice the change in attitude. Do it over and over again, until it feels real.

 

You'll know it's not real, but it will feel real. You're not going to fool your head, but you're going to soothe your heart. You may relapse, but now you'll have a tool to help you feel better. Neurologically, you're going to eventually destroy the neural pathways that memory has to make you feel bad. Bonus, when she shows up again, you'll have a playbook and you'll have practiced what you should have done in the first place. Then you can do it for real.

 

What you'll probably also experience is a little fear of letting go. That's perfectly normal, but push through it. Don't give in to the doubt.

 

It sounds silly, but it helps.

[books2]

Hey Largo...

 

When I was about to open the door, I saw her jacket by the door window and knew it was her... I did not really know what to do and how to react...

 

I thought about ignoring her and simply not answering, I thought about sending her back to where she came from. Then I thought, come on, see what she wants.

 

The truth is she is just incredibly confused and doesn't know what she wants. When I would ask her why she was here, she would just tell me she did not know.

 

Actually, there was no moment I had where I figured she did not want to rekindle things... I just don't know what she wants...

 

She texted me lots yesterday and I would take my sweet time to reply and she would constantly text me every hour until I replied (meaning she was constantly checking her phone and waiting for my response). Then I just answer playfully after a few hours. Anyways, now I have had no answers since about 9pm and am hurt because that just means she spent the night at her boyfriend's (or so I assume, but knowing her, this is probably the case)...

 

Anyways, what I would like to say is that I don't know what I want myself. I want to give it another shot... I want to use her body for the time being and recreate a new ending for myself... I just don't know...

 

But my heart does not want to just tell her to piss off and go on living proud of myself for that...

[LargoLagg]

Hi books2. No, of course your heart doesn't want that. Your heart knows exactly what that means, and he's scared ****less of that because that would mean letting go of the most valuable thing your heart possesses right now - hope. It's the job of your head to see things clearly and make the best decisions.

 

I can't tell you what that is, and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. You're the one who has to see it.

 

Good luck with that.

[books2]

Arg,

The worse is I know you are so right. Unless she changes major aspects of herself, there will come a time, sooner or later, where I will have to put my foot down for good and not re-open the door... Literally AND not literally. Otherwise, we will keep circle like this.

 

I can't believe she would show up to my house like this and not want to rekindle... Crazy how you think you know someone but just have no idea.