First breakup. What now?

[eliturbo]

Hi,

 

I'm 16 years old.

I have had trouble for quite a while. I was wondering if it was weird I hadn't had girlfriend yet at the age of 16. I was scared it was because of me. I'm really shy and insecure. I have liked girls before, but asking them out is almost impossible for me. I'm just too afraid.

 

About 3 months ago I met this girl at a party of a friend. I was a bit interested in her. I wouldn't say I was really in love in an instant. During and after that party I was too afraid to talk to her. Eventually we started talking over Whatsapp about some stuff we both liked. We found out that we were both into a certain game and we started talking about that. We talked a lot. Many hours a day, often until really late. The talks went deeper. For some reason I felt really comfortable talking with her, and at a certain point the talks became deeper. I started telling her things i never told anyone before. Things I was afraid of, things I felt very insecure about, that kind of stuff. She was so incredibly nice when it came to that. She always understood what I was talking about. She always was very supportive and talking with her made me really happy. Nobody in my life got even close to being that nice to talk to, and because of that I fell in love with her even more. She pretty much amazed me. I didn't understand why she would talk to me and be that nice.

Soon it became obvious to her I liked her. She also kinda liked me and she started leaving hints. She knew how afraid I was. There was no way I could just tell her I liked her. I had no idea how and I was just too afraid. Eventually I caught onto the hints and found that she liked me. That was enough for me to finally tell her.

When I told her, she suddenly wasn't sure whether or not she wanted more. She did leave hints, but when I finally got around to telling her she wasn't sure about it. After we talked for some time she decided to go for it and she was excited to start a relationship. I was very surprised and amazed about it.

The next day we met up. I went to her house and, officially in a relationship now, we watched anime together. Everything went fine in my eyes that day.

In the evening after I got back home she suddenly said she wasn't sure again whether she should actually do this or not. I wanted to talk about it as I didn't want to force her into something she didn't want. She asked me to leave her alone for that evening so that's what I did.

The next morning she said she was fine again and everything continued. Something became apparent in my eyes though. I thought she had changed in the way she talked to me for example. She seemed less interested than the days before. That kinda stressed me out. I was so afraid of losing her because she was so important for me. I thought she was the best person in the world.

She said she didn't have time everytime I asked if I could come over again. We have only been together 4 times in that relationship which lasted for a month.

Here's where the worst part comes. As insecure as I am, I blamed myself for it all. I thought I was just paranoid. I thought I was the one who was taking things too fast. I had no idea how many times a month on average you should see eachother. I wanted to be with her every day. She never had time she said. I thought it was me who took things too far. I thought it wasn't normal to want to be with your girlfriend every day. And I blamed myself for everything.

I already was afraid she didn't really like me enough, but every time I thought of that I blamed myself for not being able to put trust into someone. She did say often enough that she didn't want to stop after all.

After a month she broke up with me. For me that's a month ago now. She told me she wanted to make me happy, but that she couldn't do it anymore. She thought that she indeed didn't like me as much as I liked her.

 

I felt devastated. I felt like a horrible person during that relationship, and now it ended I feel empty inside. I have lost a person very dear to me. There's never been anyone in my life I cared that much about. Now I just don't see it anymore.

I don't see how I'll ever meet someone that nice again. Someone I could talk like that with again. I'm too shy to approach any girl at all and I don't see why people would be interested in me. Right now there isn't anyone I like, which prevents me from rushing into a relationship, which is good I guess. But I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like her again. Someone I can talk with, someone thats that nice and supportive. Someone that shares the same interest in games, anime and music.

If there is a person out there like that, there's no way I could ever even dare to approach her. I have no idea how I'm never even going to meet other people as I'm just way too shy. And when I'm this shy and insecure, no one will even look at me and be interested in me.

And then there's the other problem being my age. It's probably way to young to even be worrying about these things but I just really want to love someone like that again, and this time also be loved.

 

Do you have any ideas on this? Or tips?

[eliturbo]

As it doesn't seem like I can edit the post above I will add some stuff here.

 

For years now I've been struggling with the problem of getting a girlfriend. I often feel like I am really late with this all, but when I look at my friends I was actually the first.

After this breakup this feeling has become stronger sadly. I do know it's not good to be jumping from relationship to relationship. But I wouldn't even get chance to in the first place.

As I wrote earlier, I have no idea where to go now. My relationship lasted a month, and a month later I still seem to be as miserable as from the moment we broke up. I experience mood swings. Some moments I am quite positive, but others I get pretty depressed. It even got to the point where my parents thought about sending me to a psychologist as this might not fix itself. I'm worried I won't get over this.

I also have no idea what to do with further relationship stuff. For some reason I really want a girlfriend, but it's obvious that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm wondering how long it'll take to get over this and move on, qnd how I noticed that I have indeed moved on.

And when I do move on, what should I do then? Meeting new people isn't my strong side after all. I've got no idea where to start. I found out that it isn't the looks that is important, but rather their character and stuff. But how will I meet people then?

When I do meet others, no chance they would be interested in me. I'm pessimistic, suffer from mood swings(which hopefully will go away sometime), I'm not confident at all, I'm very tall, I'm what you would call the nerdy type: playing games, watching anime. This lack of confidence makes it pretty much impossible for me.

 

For anyone wondering btw, NC has been going on since we broke up(except for the day after the breakup). I find it very hard to keep it going, but I think I might be strong enough. The first two weeks after the breakup I was checking her status updates on whatsapp and skype on a daily basis, but now I deleted her on every platform I could think of.

[Kelley]

Look when you breakup with someone you care about it's normal to have good and bad days. Time will heal that, as well as you getting out there and living your life. Trust me you will find someone even better in time.

 

As for being 16 and wanting a girlfriend, I will let you into a secret I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18! I was too busy having fun with my friends, going to college and enjoying my life. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy believe it or not Why don't you try being happy in your own skin first, build a life that you are happy with and girls will see that and want to be part of it. You have you whole life ahead of you it's too short to be sad because you don't have a girlfriend. Relax a bit and just get out there and have some fun.

[eliturbo]

Look when you breakup with someone you care about it's normal to have good and bad days. Time will heal that, as well as you getting out there and living your life. Trust me you will find someone even better in time.

 

As for being 16 and wanting a girlfriend, I will let you into a secret I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18! I was too busy having fun with my friends, going to college and enjoying my life. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy believe it or not Why don't you try being happy in your own skin first, build a life that you are happy with and girls will see that and want to be part of it. You have you whole life ahead of you it's too short to be sad because you don't have a girlfriend. Relax a bit and just get out there and have some fun.

 

I had never been so happy before in my life when I met her. Just the way she talked to me was enough to make me really happy. As soon as the relationship began it already turned sour. Now I miss it.

School is really getting to me already. It's a bit too much. It's really demanding. I try do stuff with friends more often than I did(I used to barely do anything) and that cheers me up whenever I do. However, I cannot say I'm happy. I easily swap around from a good and positive mood to a very negative one. That's just really difficult to live with. I cry, every day. I'm not very happy.

 

Perhaps it's true I don't need a girlfriend to be happy, and I can see that on days I have fun with friends. But that still doesn't stop the feeling of really wanting to have someone. Friends are not everything you know. When talking with friends the loss becomes even more clear. She said things that really motivated me and made me more positive and stuff. She understood me with everything I was worried about and felt bad about, and when talking with friends about that stuff is different.

 

Getting a girlfriend at this age is pretty useless anyways. The only thing you get out of it is experience, but the suffering that comes with it is not worth it. I should just face that fact and give up on the whole I-want-a-girlfriend-thing for now. I just hope I'll be fine without and that it doesn't take too long. I should stop worrying about getting a girlfriend now. The fact that I'm afraid I'll never get one again is something to worry about later maybe. Finding out how in the world I'll start meeting people and stuff perhaps isn't something I should worry about now.

I just can't help but to miss it really badly.

[cucumber95]

What you write is like what I think, I am in same situation as you, but I have been longer with my ex-gf, I was devasted when she broke up, but it gets easier everyday, it was hard for me to get GF as well, this is why I treated her best as I clould, but after that time I realised that chance of being with first girlfriend forever is smaller than winning in lotto, and people at this age are inmature, this is why you get experience, I think same that it is not worth going through that pain (breakup, etc...), but this is what it is, it is part of human nature, rejection, etc...

 

I can't tell you if you going to find something same as you had with her, I doubt, every relationship is different, but maybe you find something better?

 

I was 21 when I got my first girlfriend, and before I got her, I already accepted fact that I am going to be alone, be virgin forever, etc.. but later after I had bet with my uncle (I said to him that I will never have girlfriend, and he said I will - we bet for 100 pounds), guess what? 1 week later I started to chatting my ex-gf, and it was amazing, amazing when I met her as you described, my life was so much better, I was happiest man in world, but she was inmature and it ended.

 

"I had never been so happy before in my life when I met her. Just the way she talked to me was enough to make me really happy. As soon as the relationship began it already turned sour. Now I miss it."

 

This line is what I had with my ex-gf, you see? everybody has this, and everybody goes trought break ups like that.

 

What you need to do now, is work on yourself, start loving yourself, you don't need GF to be happy, so first work on yourself so you realise that you don't need girlfriend, and then you can start looking for one, but don't force it.

 

Good luck, you are young and have lot of ahead of you, lot of love and lot of rejection/hate, this is what life is...

[eliturbo]

The longer I have been out of the relationship, the more I realise. Like I wrote befor, from the moment we started something together it only went downhill. When I told her I liked her, she told me about her first relationship. That went exactly the same as this one. From that moment on I was always afraid. I noticed how she suddenly started behaving differently towards me the second day of our relationship. I worried a lot about that, but people kept on telling me it was all in my head and that I just had to pull through. I believed them, or I tried at least. That basically made me blame it all on myself.

I found myself in a situation where I had no idea what to do. For me it felt like there wasn't a way out. Breaking up wasn't a good option in my eyes. Losing her would devastate me. Staying with her and just seeing where it would lead was also not a good option. I felt really bad every day and it only got worse. It went to a point I was just crying on school every day. Then my parents started talking to me and said it might be best to break up. That same day I wanted to have a talk with her she broke up with me.

 

I'm not sure what working on myself would mean exactly. Right now I feel like I should give up on the girlfriend idea and just wait. It seems like I figure out new stuff everyday. I of course had a lot of questions for her, but they seem to fill themselfs in. I just hope I learned something. I have no idea what else to do. Should I just wait and see that I do not need a girlfriend to be happy? I suppose there isn't much else to do. I'm definitly not going to force myself into another relationship just because I want one. I almost made that mistake, but I realised that that would just cause pain. Settling with someone that I don't fully like or something is not a great idea. So I'm going to hold of on that for now.

But I still don't really know what else to do. Like I mentioned before, I'm not very confident. I don't really see how I could work on that. I always seem to be dragging myself down. It's very hard not to, but perhaps that would go better some day? I have no idea.

 

In conclusion, I'm gonna try to give up on the idea for now. I guess I'll have to wait for a couple more years. I have no idea whether or not I'll be as happy again. School is a lot and when I keep having these moments where I'm just very sad and my hope kind of vanishes, it's gonna be tough. I have no idea what else to do.

I recognise she wasn't everything. Sure, I could think of someone much better, but I'm not sure such a person exists, and then I'm not even speaking of my worries of not meeting them.

Edited October 31, 2016 by eliturbo

[eliturbo]

So now I'm really trying to feel better. Whenever I notice I'm going into the downwards thinking spiral, I try to just calm down and look at it more positively. I'm trying to be more positive and confident of my own ability to do well in general.

I hope I'll be able to keep this up. If I do my best maybe I will.

There are some thoughts that I notice that bring me down. The primary one being that I'm just afraid I won't meet someone like her again. I try my best to stay positive with that though. Also, I'm trying not to worry about that in general. I'm trying to give up on the idea that I want a girlfriend. First of all, whatever I do, it won't happen anytime soon, so there's no point thinking about it. Secondly, it'll just cause pain. There's no real point in it I think.

For right now I'm just doing my best to enjoy myself and keep myself positive. Perhaps I should start to discover some new stuff like start to do a sport or something, but I'm not really sure if I really want that. Maybe.

Let's hope I won't fall back all the way down again.

[eliturbo]

So, as you could read, things went well for a couple of days again. A part of my attitude has changed slightly, but it doesn't seem of any use.

The last 3 days have been a hell again. I am past the 1.5 month marker of NC now but I feel like I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm really not sure if things are actually getting better. Whenever I feel like this I just don't know anything any more. I am worried of the things I shouldn't be, I feel the need to talk to people but whenever I do I feel worse, I say a lot of things that I don't agree with anymore five minutes after saying them. I regret most of what I say, I have no idea of feeling this way is normal or not, I have no idea how long this is gonna take and if it's even going away, I don't know if I can get through this myself. You see? My head is a mess. I just don't know it anymore. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry for being such a weird guy. Like I said, one moment I feel totally different to the other. I don't know why or what to do with it. I do know that this is not something I want to live with for I don't know how long.

 

Maybe it's a weird question, but does anyone have any ideas or so? I don't know what I should be asking to be honest.

[cucumber95]

The sad truth is that you won't meet anybody like her, everybody is different. It is sad for me as well, ex-gf broke up with me 2 months ago, and I woke up today thinking that at that time on Saturday we would meet

 

I don't think that I will find girlfriend like my ex, it is very painful, because she had her bad sides, but she was also very different to other girls, but I don't know is it because I love her or because she was the one? :/

 

You need to give yourself time to move on, then you won't want girlfriend like her, but somebody different, breakup is worst thing that happened for me in my whole life, I never used to cry so much in my life, because of breakup I probably cried more than I cried in all of my life.

 

You are asking what to do? Do what you like, and concentrate on that. Good luck.

[eliturbo]

The sad truth is that you won't meet anybody like her, everybody is different. It is sad for me as well, ex-gf broke up with me 2 months ago, and I woke up today thinking that at that time on Saturday we would meet

 

I don't think that I will find girlfriend like my ex, it is very painful, because she had her bad sides, but she was also very different to other girls, but I don't know is it because I love her or because she was the one? :/

 

You need to give yourself time to move on, then you won't want girlfriend like her, but somebody different, breakup is worst thing that happened for me in my whole life, I never used to cry so much in my life, because of breakup I probably cried more than I cried in all of my life.

 

You are asking what to do? Do what you like, and concentrate on that. Good luck.

 

I recognize what you're saying. A lot. I believe what you say is indeed the right way forward, and it's the one I'd like to archieve. But I believe this has become more than just a problem I have with this breakup. Right now this feels more like a fight with myself. It's very hard to explain, but I am struggling to what is happening myself as well. I have no idea what is/was right and what was wrong anymore. I have no idea how to move on and which of my thoughts I should believe or not. It's like I come to a conclusion every time, only to find out how wrong I was. Sorry I'm a bit vague, but I honestly have no idea myself. I'm a bit scared that this problem of mine is more than just suffering because of someone I lost. But then again, I have no idea. I'm a mess, and I don't know if I can work my way out of that myself.

[eliturbo]

The sad truth is that you won't meet anybody like her, everybody is different. It is sad for me as well, ex-gf broke up with me 2 months ago, and I woke up today thinking that at that time on Saturday we would meet

 

I don't think that I will find girlfriend like my ex, it is very painful, because she had her bad sides, but she was also very different to other girls, but I don't know is it because I love her or because she was the one? :/

 

You need to give yourself time to move on, then you won't want girlfriend like her, but somebody different, breakup is worst thing that happened for me in my whole life, I never used to cry so much in my life, because of breakup I probably cried more than I cried in all of my life.

 

You are asking what to do? Do what you like, and concentrate on that. Good luck.

 

I have been thinking some more about this."I don't think that I will find girlfriend like my ex, it is very painful, because she had her bad sides, but she was also very different to other girls, but I don't know is it because I love her or because she was the one?" That I recognise a lot. For a moment she seemed perfect. The stuff she would say was exactly what I needed to hear every time. It would blow me away every time. I would litterally sit there crying all evening, just out of sheer amazement. I really couldn't believe it.

But this is the thought that helped me get through it until now: First of all, if she was supposed to be the 'one' we wouldn't be here now. The way things went down is a clear answer to me that she is definetly not the one for me.

Secondly, I think my image of her was better than she actually was. She had some bad sides I don't think I'd be able to deal with in the long run. She was someone who sometimes had these moments where she would hate herself a lot. I had no problems with that and would gladly help every time. I could make her feel more appreciated, and that's what I did. However, there is some stuff I can never get over. One night she said she was bored and she started to draw on her arm. Than I got a text with a photo attached to it. She had drawn cutting wounds on her arm, like she was cutting herself. She said she felt bad. I think you can realise what that did to me. I knew she was down sometimes, and than she sended that. Sickening. She also did something else I probably won't forget. A couple of days before we broke up she said she was feeling bad. She updated her status on Whatsapp: "My head is haunting me and my heart feels like a ghost". I can still cite it perfectly. I, as her boyfriend, was of course concerned about her. I was really worried and asked what was wrong. She wouldn't tell me. She said that that evening she had a terrible thought. It had even shocked her that she thought about it. I started thinking what that thought would be and I had two ideas:

1) She realised she didn't like me enough and couldn't bear to break it up because she felt horrible for me.

or 2) She thought about hurting herself. I know that sounds like a weird idea, but given her past actions and the way she felt I was actually extremely worried about her.

Those actions would probably break me in the long run. I would gladly help everytime and show her how much I cared about her, but the photo of the cutting wounds really, really shocked me. I remember that that night I was in panic. I had no idea what to do. I talked to her about why she did it but she wouldn't tell me a lot. She said I couldn't really help. I had no idea if this was just a cry for attention or anything, I just didn't know. I believed I cried the whole night. I blamed myself for not being able to help and I was almost sure I was the cause of her bad feelings. Honestly, I don't think that i'd be able to take more of those actions for a long amount of time.

 

And thirdly, declaring someone to be 'the one' would be rediculous on my age. She was my first girlfriend. I have no idea how other people are. I have 0 comparison material, so I have no idea.

 

Oh, there is also a forth thing. I of course think daily about what would happen if she would come back. What if she would appear in front of me and would say: Hey i'm sorry, let's try again. I know it's never gonna happen, but it's a thought on my mind. If that would happen, there is no way I would say yes. Never. The way she hurt me now; I won't give her the power to do that again. Also, it's never gonna work. Things will end up the exact same way. That's how things go.

 

These things help me sometimes, but it's not failproof.

I don't know, I felt like sharing that.

This is once again one of those times I am a bit positive, or at least I pretend to be. Actually, I'm not sure if I really believe in what I wrote myself. I still feel terrible. I don't want to continue living like this. It feels dumb to just wait for many years until things get better. I don't even know if things will get better. Like you said, what if she was the one and I'll never find better? I know I say this a lot but, I just don't know what I should do. With that I mean, I don't know what to do with myself. Sitting here in my room crying all day is not a good idea. There aren't many things I can do to enjoy myself and stop thinking about this. But I also don't know if I should just wait until things get better or if I should do something about this. I don't know if this'll fix itself. What if the things I am experiencing are just part of some kind of mental illness or something? Something that I can't solve?

Edited November 5, 2016 by eliturbo

[eliturbo]

Okay, first of all, sorry I'm posting so much. I'm just thinking a lot about this.

 

I thought maybe it's best to just make everything clear. Both to myself and everyone here.

During the relationship and after the breakup I have noticed something that I had which I never noticed before. I noticed I had a lot of mood swings. This meant that at one time I felt great and had a lot of positivity towards the future, and at other times I just felt terrible and lost all hope. On those bad moments I talked with my ex and often she'd give me hope again. Now she's gone and it's still there. Now there isn't much I can do about it.

 

On the positive moments: I just see that eventually everything is probably gonna be alright. I have hope that things will turn out fine and I sort of believe they will. I believe that I will pull through this and that these swings will also go away.

On the negative moments: I lose all hope and start feeling weird. I start to be worried about for example that I won't meet someone as great as my ex or that I'll never be able to even get another girlfriend. I know that I shouldn't be worried but I still am at those moments. I have the feeling I want to talk to people but more often than not I feel worse after doing that. I feel bad, think that I have issues and that those won't go away and only hurt everyone around me. I feel like the positive moments are useless, as I'll just feel bad the next day. I feel very sorry for other people for all kinds of reasons. I don't feel like I want to continue like this anymore, etc. You can probably get an idea how I feel when you read the replies above.

 

I vary between these things a lot and I don't know what to do with it or why I have it. Maybe I should be asking questions:

1) Is this normal to have?

2) How long should I expect to be tortured by this? Will it even go away(by myself)?

3) What can I do to possibly make it better?

4) What do I do during those bad moments? Simple doing something to not make myself think of it isn't working all the time.

5) Does the fact that I had that during the relationship mean that that will happen everytime and that it will get in my way?

6) Why is this happening?

7) How seriously should I take the negative and hopeless thought I have?

 

There are a lot more questions, but I think that those are the questions coming from my depressed mood and that asking them isn't going to lead to anything.

Again, I'm sorry for posting so much. There is a lot on my mind and I am going a bit crazy because of it. Right now I feel a bit bad, but a little better than earlier today. I do still think that a life like this is not something I want to have for much longer. I mean, my eyes are hurting for days now because of all the tears.

 

Thank you in advance!

[Downtown]

I don't want to continue living like this. It feels dumb to just wait for many years until things get better. I don't even know if things will get better.... What if the things I am experiencing are just part of some kind of mental illness or something? Something that I can't solve?

Hello, AirMixer (aka, "Eliturbo"). I'm sorry to hear that you've been in such pain for the past two months. It is important that you tell your parents about how much pain you've been experiencing. I am sure they don't want you suffering like this.

 

While it is good that you had that 3-minute discussion with your Dad, the time has come for you to be more forthcoming with him about the extent of the depression and mood swings you've been writing about here over the past three weeks. He and your mother may decide that you could benefit by seeing the psychologist who treated you for panic disorder.

 

Hopefully, your mood swings are only caused by the hormone changes associated with puberty, which typically occurs from age 12 to 16 for adolescent males (but can vary widely for individuals). Yet, like the panic disorder you suffered, depression also can develop from other types of body chemistry changes. Hence, it's time to speak candidly with the two adults who love you more than anyone else in the world.