benpom Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Do people consider lying a form of abuse? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poe77 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 It depends on the context its used in there are many reasons people lie lets say its a bf/gf lieing to their other half and cheating on them behind their back I would say yes that's a form of abuse..now if its a white lie that's not AS bad but if its continuous then that's at the very least disrespectful to the person being lied to.. what context is this lieing happening in OP? that would also help us to help you more.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 If you could be more specific it would be easier to make some useful comments. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Can't comment without context. Link to post Share on other sites
Author benpom Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Do people consider lying a form of abuse? 1. Hiding the cheating part about a past relationship when confronted. 2. Claiming no longer had feelings for an ex, only to confess years later that he still had feelings for ex, but then again claiming that the confession was a lie. 3. Claiming that the person who he had unresolved feelings for was no longer in his life, only to confess years later that they were still at the same workplace for many years. Link to post Share on other sites
Herbalist Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Well you might be interested in looking up the term "gaslighting" as it is a form of aggressive psychological abuse where lies are used as psychological weapons. For example if you have evidence or proof that someone is cheating on you, and you confront them about it only to have them try to convince you that none of it is real and it is all in your head, that you are just being crazy and so on, that is an example of gaslighting. Or if a person is doing something that makes you uncomfortable and you try to address it with them, and they try to tell you that it is not really happening or you are imagining things etc, that is also an example of gaslighting. Lies can be used in other ways to psychologically abuse someone. For example you say the person confessed, then claimed the confession was a lie. Constantly changing the story (which involves lying by default) but also insisting that you believe them, all of it is meant to make you confused and doubting yourself and ultimately vulnerable. They are wearing you down in this way. So there are various ways in which lying can be used abusively. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I’m so sorry if you’re struggling with a spouse or a SO lying to you. However, like the others have mentioned, I think you’ll need to share some more details about your particular situation before people can give you any helpful response. Please take care! Link to post Share on other sites
Author benpom Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) Probably none of these really matter now. I just feel really confused over many things. Sometimes I try to sort things out in my head and try to figure out why and when things started going wrong. There is one thing he has been honest about though. He told me that he just can't stop lying. He knows it's wrong but he just can't stop the habit of modifying stories to his favor. He claimed he felt lying to me was the only way to save our relationship (He was actually right. If he told me the truth at the moment, we would have split up long time ago.) He would tell me the truth years later because he thought long enough time had passed to not get in trouble, but every time I discovered a lie, I felt a lot more distant from him. I felt cheated and disrespected. Sometimes I wonder if I was too hard on him. I myself too unintentionally forget about things I am not proud of. If I have to lie to save the world, I think I would. Maybe I did not love him enough to accept him so he felt the need to lie? Or maybe the reason I did not love him enough was because I could not trust him? I am even confused by myself. People seem to label abuse as something really really bad. I just wondered if majority folks think lying is as bad as traditional abuse. I have been too confused to know what's normal. I only recently realized that my spirit had been broken for quite a while, over things done by him and things done by others. Sometimes I cope by not thinking about the past. But that is just temporal band-aid. What really helped me is to actually think over the past and figure out the root problems of me and him, from the very beginning, the childhood. I think I finally started healing myself a few months ago. Edited November 1, 2016 by benpom Link to post Share on other sites
Darien 76 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Whether it is or is not a form of abuse - pathological lying is wrong. The examples you have provided to us of his lies have me wondering why are you still with this man? He has poor character and is a dishonest person. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship when you never know if/when you are being lied to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author benpom Posted November 2, 2016 Author Share Posted November 2, 2016 Whether it is or is not a form of abuse - pathological lying is wrong. The examples you have provided to us of his lies have me wondering why are you still with this man? He has poor character and is a dishonest person. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship when you never know if/when you are being lied to. We are not together anymore. He knows I am broken and he can't stand me being unhappy, so he left. He told me that he had to lie to save our relationship. He blamed me for his lying. He claimed he had to lie because I was too judgmental and critical. For a while, I blamed myself for his lying too. I recently realized that he had no regard to the consequence of dishonesty in his previous relationship either. He also had no regard to the hurt he gave other people during that cheating relationship. In fact, he was very proud of that relationship. I was totally sweet and supportive in the early days of our relationship. He enjoyed my selfless contribution too much and forgot that he needed to make contributions too. In the later days of our relationship, I became very unhappy. I am indeed guilty of being critical and judgmental towards him for some time. Nevertheless, this is not an excuse for him to lie. I think our relationship already took a sharp turn on the day he confessed that he was involved in cheating in a previous relationship. I kind of assumed that he did not want me to know because he knew it was wrong, but years later he told me that that he did not see anything wrong with it. He did not want me to know because I would not approve it. He certainly has lots of great qualities too. There are many things about him that made me love him. I just don't love him enough. I myself have done plenty of wrong things too. I am probably in no position to expect him to be better. I still hold the hope that he may realize his mistakes and become a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
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