Do i give him a second chance?

[Ophelia_B]

Since my partner and I broke up 6 months ago, we have not stopped talking. We speak every day. He gets jealous of other men talking to me (we are both involved in the music scene - everybody knows everybody), doesn't like me going out etc. Constantly asks if other men have asked me on dates, and if I say yes, he gets EXTREMELY jealous and angry. He has been in America for the past 3 weeks, and sent me a message saying that he is still in love with me, that whenever he sees another woman, her face turns into mine and that he cant get me out of his head etc etc. Neither of us have been with anyone else since the breakup.

 

The reasons we broke up were that

a) He wants to move to America.

b) didn't want to get married and I did

c) his ex girlfriends/crazy fans kept creating fake facebook accounts and messaging me.

d) his ex girlfriend messaged me and told me a bunch of stuff that she knew would piss me off

e) he was talking to other women poorly about me and borderline flirting with them, telling them lies about me etc

 

I mentioned most of this when we spoke, and he said it was stuff to talk about when he got back. (Mostly the marriage and moving stuff) but he HAS told me he wants me to move to America with me.

 

I can't shake the feeling that this is somehow a game, that it's just the jealousy talking. I don't know if I'm just broken and paranoid, or if my gut is trying to tell me something. What do I do?

[spideywoman]

Since my partner and I broke up 6 months ago, we have not stopped talking. We speak every day. He gets jealous of other men talking to me (we are both involved in the music scene - everybody knows everybody), doesn't like me going out etc. Constantly asks if other men have asked me on dates, and if I say yes, he gets EXTREMELY jealous and angry. He has been in America for the past 3 weeks, and sent me a message saying that he is still in love with me, that whenever he sees another woman, her face turns into mine and that he cant get me out of his head etc etc. Neither of us have been with anyone else since the breakup.

 

The reasons we broke up were that

a) He wants to move to America.

b) didn't want to get married and I did

c) his ex girlfriends/crazy fans kept creating fake facebook accounts and messaging me.

d) his ex girlfriend messaged me and told me a bunch of stuff that she knew would piss me off

e) he was talking to other women poorly about me and borderline flirting with them, telling them lies about me etc

 

I mentioned most of this when we spoke, and he said it was stuff to talk about when he got back. (Mostly the marriage and moving stuff) but he HAS told me he wants me to move to America with me.

 

I can't shake the feeling that this is somehow a game, that it's just the jealousy talking. I don't know if I'm just broken and paranoid, or if my gut is trying to tell me something. What do I do?

 

Nope, he's not worth your time from what you have shared. My sense is that he's stringing you along until someone he thinks is better comes along. this whole jealousy act is nonsense. on your list of break up reasons, the marriage one is a big deal if it's important to you. the other ones are minor (the fans / exes) you have to deal with that since i assume he's not prompting these women to do that. but the last one where you describe him speaking ill of you, flirting, etc. that's just unacceptable. why would you ever think it's ok to give someone who does THAT a second chance? if you do, he'll think he's invincible and his behavior will just get worse. it doesn't sound like he loves you at all from his actions.

 

and woo hoo he's willing to take you to america! and then what happens? he becomes even more erratic and there you are in a foreign country with no support system.

 

my suggestion would be to cut off contact. he's not entitled to know whether other men are asking you out. i don't like to generalize but this guy sounds like he's emotionally manipulative and controlling. not worth it.

 

best of luck.

[BluesPower]

Having been a musician, I can speak directly to some of this.

 

First, you know how it is with chicks at shows, or guys in your case. It is so easy to hook up if you want to. You know how the scene is around music.

 

Second, I hope he is telling the truth about not sleeping around while touring in the US. But, honestly you really don't know that. And, I am not sure if it matters.

 

Third, if he is touring in the US, then that is fairly high level even if he is not getting rich, but it is fairly big time.

 

But the things you have to think about are, if you guys got married what would that look like. If you guys are into your music careers and based on the level that you are at, whose career takes precedence? What is you have a great gig that pays OK but could really pay off it the future. Maybe it could lead to a great record deal, but you have to tour for 6 months? How would he feel about that?

 

Also, just because someone is in a creative industry, it does not mean that they don't have the same type of issues that the civilian population has.

 

It sounds to me that he is being controlling from at least 3000 miles away. I mean you guys broke up, mainly because he did not want to get married. Why does he care what you do or if you get laid?

 

If it mattered to him, he would have agreed to get married, if that is even a good idea.

 

Maybe you should wait until he gets back to talk to him about all of these issues, if you want to. But if you do that, I think you need to make up your mind about what you need the answers to be. For example, if you really think that a marriage could work and he is still not interested, then you really just need to move on.

 

You know as well as I do that some guys just don't want to get married. And if he does not want to, you really should not waste any more time being in a relationship with him. Break it off and move on.