I hope the OW is hurting like I did

[Guest]

My H had an A a few years ago. I was going to let the M end but my H wanted the M to work so he broke it off with the OW. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life and didn't know how he could of been so stupid to have an A which came close to ending our M.

 

When I found out about the A I kicked him out of our home and he continued the A with the OW. He filed for a D. I guess he filed first to beat me to it. He claims it would of been easier on me financially for him to file than it was for me. We were separarted for several months before he moved back in with me. Shortly after he broke up with the OW she began dating another guy. They had been dating for a few years and I heard that this guy broke it off with her recently. I heard from several people he broke it off with her because she was "weird, psycho, and unstable." She tried killing herself before she married her last H and I guess she tried it again when she was dating this other guy. From what I know of this OW and from talking to her she didn't seem depressed. She was always so happy and outgoing. I never thought she would be the type of person to be depressed but it must of been something she hid so well. When her and H were dating he said she was so happy and outgoing and that is what he found attractive about her.

 

It maybe immature of me but I hope she was hurting like I was when her and my H were having an A. I hope she lays in bed and cries all night. I hope she has nightmares like I had. I hope she can't eat anything because every time she does she gets sick. I hope her stomach is always nauseated the way mine was when she was screwing around with my H. I realize it takes two to tango but this OW was after my H for several years. He had no interest in her until our M started going down hill from my depression. My depression only got worse when the A started. I was never happy, always worried about things, never wanted to go out of the house. I went to counseling but it did no good and my counselor didn't recommend me going on any anti-depressants. When I went in to talk to my doctor he put me on anti-depressants to help with the A and the break up of the M.

 

I will never know the pain the OW is dealing with but from what I know about her she probably just went after another guy to fill the void of being dumped again. Friends always told me she will get hers and it looks like she finally did. I just want her to feel the hurt I did but I will never know how much she is hurting. She knows how much I hurt because I talked to her several times during their A that they both denied. I told her to stay away from him until the D was final, out of respect for me. She chose not to. Her vindictive, manipulative ways just made H's judgment clouded even more.

[StillHurtin]

Don't feel too bad, I would probably think the same thing if my H's exOW BF broke it off w/ her too. I also want the OW to feel the same pain I did. I wouldn't want the same pain for my H b/c he is my H, even though he was stupid for what he did.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

Don't feel too bad, I would probably think the same thing if my H's exOW BF broke it off w/ her too. I also want the OW to feel the same pain I did. I wouldn't want the same pain for my H b/c he is my H, even though he was stupid for what he did.

 

But why? We're not the ones who took those vows. HE did. And I can tell ya right now, the OW is most likely feeling all that pain. If that helps ya sleep at night. That's sad.

[Zaira]

One should vow not to have a relationship with an attached other, until they have parted company.

 

What goes around comes around, and I think the feelings you are experiencing are normal. I'd prefer not to see people hurt and upset, but if they set themselves up for it, they have no one to blame but themselves.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by ~Zaira~

One should vow not to have a relationship with an attached other, until they have parted company.

 

What goes around comes around, and I think the feelings you are experiencing are normal. I'd prefer not to see people hurt and upset, but if they set themselves up for it, they have no one to blame but themselves.

 

So the OW's pain doesn't matter? Do you think they're bad people?

[BoatingBabe]

Originally posted by erika2610

But why? We're not the ones who took those vows. HE did. And I can tell ya right now, the OW is most likely feeling all that pain. If that helps ya sleep at night. That's sad.

 

I agree, the wives are channeling thier anger towards the wrong person. Plus, little do you know (the wife) of how much he probably pursued her...and chances are she fought it till he got her at avulnerable point...and the affair started. You should let go of your anger at the OW and look at your husband....She didn't go into the affair at gunpoint.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by erika2610

But why? We're not the ones who took those vows. HE did. And I can tell ya right now, the OW is most likely feeling all that pain. If that helps ya sleep at night. That's sad.

 

Yeah, so what...........the MM *is* the one who took that vows, okay, I'll give you that...............but as I've said a dozen times before, if women out there would NOT EVER get involved with a man who was married/already involved, these jerks wouldn't be able to have affairs, now would they?

 

If all women out there had self respect and a deep sense of loyalty to their fellow-woman, they would simply not even give a MM the time of day - they'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. But they don't...........

 

As well, I don't feel sorry for the pain an OW endures because she CHOSE to get involved with a MM - she made the conscious decision to get together with someone's husband. Nobody forced her to, she wasn't just some innocent victim. HOWEVER - the wife who's being cheated on, she has had NO say in any of this. She was not given a choice - but the choices and selfish actions of her H and his mistress have had a devastating impact on her. She had no say in any of it.

 

My heart goes out to wives and husbands everywhere who have to endure this kind of betrayal and devastation - I pray you can find peace in your heart soon.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by erika2610

But why? We're not the ones who took those vows. HE did. And I can tell ya right now, the OW is most likely feeling all that pain. If that helps ya sleep at night. That's sad.

 

Oh Please....

 

Just because someone doesn't take a vow doesn't mean they didn't do anything wrong. The person who knowingly engages in a relationship with someone who is already in one is just as guilty as the cheating spouse. No one forces you to sleep with them. You're making a judgement call based on your own idea of whats right and wrong.

[New_Wife]

To the OP, if you are going to survive, you have to let go. That doesn't mean you go to tea with the OW, but the hatred is only hurting you. You are renting her space in your head and heart that you could really use for other things. I understand the pain, the anger, the hatred - but you must not let it rule you.

 

I second the suggestion that you try counseling again. Not because there is something "wrong" with you, but because you've been through a horrible ordeal and you need someone to help you with it. If you'd been through a crippling accident, you wouldn't give a second thought to a need for physical therapy. Please don't treat your soul & emotions any differently.

 

Take care.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by New_Wife WTG Lindya for actually responding to the OP instead of getting into the OW/BS Wars part XIXIXIII.

 

To the OP, if you are going to survive, you have to let go. That doesn't mean you go to tea with the OW, but the hatred is only hurting you. You are renting her space in your head and heart that you could really use for other things. I understand the pain, the anger, the hatred - but you must not let it rule you.

 

I second the suggestion that you try counseling again. Not because there is something "wrong" with you, but because you've been through a horrible ordeal and you need someone to help you with it. If you'd been through a crippling accident, you wouldn't give a second thought to a need for physical therapy. Please don't treat your soul & emotions any differently.

 

Take care.

 

New Wife and Lindya, maybe I need to think about taking your advice to the original poster myself. I feel the same way she does. If the OW's BF broke it off w/ her I would be thinking the samething, that she finally got hers.

 

I also went to counseling when my H had his A and continued when we got back 2gether. I was still taking anti-depressants. I think I need to go back to counseling but I have no insurance and I just can't afford it. I have tried finding self-help books at the local library but they have nothing dealing w/ infedility that I could find.

 

Guest, you are not alone in how you are feeling. I would probably feel the same way. I think part of me would feel a little bad for the OW b/c she has been seeing this guy for 2 years and if he broke it off w/ her I am sure she would be hurt but a part of me would think she got what was coming to her.

[Stupid exOW]

Originally posted by BoatingBabe

I agree, the wives are channeling thier anger towards the wrong person. Plus, little do you know (the wife) of how much he probably pursued her...and chances are she fought it till he got her at avulnerable point...and the affair started. You should let go of your anger at the OW and look at your husband....She didn't go into the affair at gunpoint.

 

I have been lurking on this board from sometime now and have wanted to post several times but have not but here I go. I see some of this thread has been deleted so I can't remember all what it said.

 

I was the ex-OW to a man in a CR. He was engaged to his GF for a few years and was living w/ her. When the cat was away, the mice would play. He would tell me on the weekends she would be gone and invite me over for a night of fun and sex. Or he would go to a friends place to party and would invite me over where we would leave the party to have sex, or right there at the party in another room. I was in love with him, he knew it, but he never told me he loved me. We didn't always have sex when we were together. He would call me late at night to talk so it wasn't all about the sex. I didn't feel real bad about screwing around w/ a CM. I loved how he made me feel, I loved how I felt when I was with him. I didn't care about how his fiancee might feel. I honestly thought she was pretty stupid for not realizing he was screwing around on her.

 

Then he ended up marrying her a few years later and that is when I cut it off, completely. He had a child with this woman and there was no way I was going to be involved with a MM with a child. We both needed to start our lives over without eachother and that is what we did. It was hard, and it took me awhile to get over him but I did do it.

 

I believe I was wrong for what I did, I believe I was a bad person for putting my self and feelings before his GF and I beleive I was STUPID for getting involved with him. So, to the rest of you OW, you need to get off your high horse and realize what you did was wrong, what you did was bad for putting your feelings first before the poor W's, or CM. I have never been the BW, but I can tell ya what I have seen what it has to some friends of mine and I agree they have every right to channel their anger at the OW when she persues the MM. The MM has a choice not to give in, but if there wasn't OW persuing MM, they wouldn't be cheating would they?

[Justagirl2008]

I think that the sword cuts both ways. These wives have every right to be mad at the OW as well as the MM. The truth of the matter is that they both pursue each other. Once a woman learns that this man is married I do believe she needs to walk away, however having said that, its easier said than done a lot of the time. It's like putting a red button up there that says 'don't push me could cause harm', well you're going to out of curiousity push that red button. I just believe that both parties have equal responsibility.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

 

I think I need to go back to counseling but I have no insurance and I just can't afford it.

 

 

If you go to a church, a lot of times they have counseling there that could help. Or they could set you up with a counselor that won't charge much or at all.

 

There are also, at least in my area, some counselors that will work on a sliding scale, according to what you can afford to pay. It is worth doing to look into, if you feel that you could benefit from it. I'm not a good resource for healing from an A in a marraige, as mine to the cheater ended - but I would be more than happy to listen if you just want to talk (type) sometime. You can pm me for my email if you'd like.

[whichwayisup]

Great post Stupid exOW!

 

Guest, it isn't worth your energy right now to think of the OW, it just will piss you off. She obviously has problems and hopefully she'll get the help from a professional at some point in time.

 

Try to stay in the now and be happy.

[RecordProducer]

This is not an OW's thread so why don't OW just stay out of it? The thread starter hates the OW, that's just so normal. She will not murder her (hopefully ) so the anger she expresses in words is harmless.

 

I am very worried about wives putting all the blame on the OW, because I think it causes huge damage to the wife to close her eyes before the truth. I already posted my opinion on this so I will copy it.

 

There is no need to judge the feelings of anger and disappointment that a betrayed wife experiences. I would feel terrible if my husband cheated on me. All her feelings are justified except one that might haunt her sub-conscience forever - she should face the fact that it's her husband who betrayed her and not the other woman. He is the one who was supposed to say "no." That's important because denial is stressful and leads to physical illness (any stress does). It's better to accept the truth that he made a mistake and forgive him then lie to herself that she was the "bad guy" who raped her innocent husband.

I do believe that he loves her and feels bad for what he did. But he at one point also loved the OW. The sooner we look at the eyes of our pain, the sooner we can get over it.

 

I also thought about my case. When my H left me I felt so terrible, but in just 2-3 years I got over completely and had two more boyfriends and now I have new problems and if this relationships ends I will have other men and be loved and dumped and will dump and suffer and enjoy 100 more times.

 

When you leave, you give yourself a chance. When you stay you will either work on the marriage or suffer. This is valid for any problem, not just infidelity.

Had you left your husband many years ago, now you'd wish happiness to him, the OW, and everyone, because your pain would've been cured by now. But you stayed with him and even after a few years you are still hurting.

 

I would always rather get my ill tooth pulled out than take the pain for years.

happiness is about personal feeling you carry inside. It's not about how much you have (marriage, kids, money, cars, houses...). You can be a divorced woman with half the assets and be perfectly happy, because no one is sh*tting on your head, no one is cheating on you, you don't have to deal with affairs and depression, and you have the chance to be loved again and again.

Many wives think "Yeah, right, leave and let the OW have my husband?" Well let her have the cheater! He is not a first prize on the lottery and nobody possesses anyone.

 

The reason why people divorce after an affair is not because of principals; it's rather because they can't take the pain and deal with it. It takes courage to break everything and pack your bags and go through a painful divorce, but in the long-term it's a much better option.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

This is not an OW's thread so why don't OW just stay out of it? The thread starter hates the OW, that's just so normal. She will not murder her (hopefully ) so the anger she expresses in words is harmless.

 

I am very worried about wives putting all the blame on the OW, because I think it causes huge damage to the wife to close her eyes before the truth. I already posted my opinion on this so I will copy it.

 

There is no need to judge the feelings of anger and disappointment that a betrayed wife experiences. I would feel terrible if my husband cheated on me. All her feelings are justified except one that might haunt her sub-conscience forever - she should face the fact that it's her husband who betrayed her and not the other woman. He is the one who was supposed to say "no." That's important because denial is stressful and leads to physical illness (any stress does). It's better to accept the truth that he made a mistake and forgive him then lie to herself that she was the "bad guy" who raped her innocent husband.

I do believe that he loves her and feels bad for what he did. But he at one point also loved the OW. The sooner we look at the eyes of our pain, the sooner we can get over it.

 

I also thought about my case. When my H left me I felt so terrible, but in just 2-3 years I got over completely and had two more boyfriends and now I have new problems and if this relationships ends I will have other men and be loved and dumped and will dump and suffer and enjoy 100 more times.

 

When you leave, you give yourself a chance. When you stay you will either work on the marriage or suffer. This is valid for any problem, not just infidelity.

Had you left your husband many years ago, now you'd wish happiness to him, the OW, and everyone, because your pain would've been cured by now. But you stayed with him and even after a few years you are still hurting.

 

I would always rather get my ill tooth pulled out than take the pain for years.

happiness is about personal feeling you carry inside. It's not about how much you have (marriage, kids, money, cars, houses...). You can be a divorced woman with half the assets and be perfectly happy, because no one is sh*tting on your head, no one is cheating on you, you don't have to deal with affairs and depression, and you have the chance to be loved again and again.

Many wives think "Yeah, right, leave and let the OW have my husband?" Well let her have the cheater! He is not a first prize on the lottery and nobody possesses anyone.

 

The reason why people divorce after an affair is not because of principals; it's rather because they can't take the pain and deal with it. It takes courage to break everything and pack your bags and go through a painful divorce, but in the long-term it's a much better option.

 

We come in here for the same reason the W come into the OW/OM forum.. because it's a public forum I posted to give the poster the perspective of an ex-OW, letting her know she was in pain.. that's all.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by erika2610

We come in here for the same reason the W come into the OW/OM forum.. because it's a public forum I posted to give the poster the perspective of an ex-OW, letting her know she was in pain.. that's all.

 

Oh, I see, you just wanted to let her know that the OW suffers at the same time too. That's true. But the OW and the wife are natural enemies, like cats and dogs or cats and mice.

 

The true enemy is the man who hurts two women because of his selfishness. I mean, choose one and let the other one start a new life and be happy, right?

[passing by]

I agree that it's a double-edged sword. There's edges all over that sword, in fact, because everyone gets wounded. The MM or MW, the OW or OM, their respective children and extended family, the list goes on and on. Why sit and point fingers? It won't do any good. Do you think OW gvies a rats butt whether you hate her? I don't know how long its been since D-day for you, but for me personally it has taken years to get over the deep seething anger I had at both my H and the OW. I hated her like nobody's business and wished all kinds of evil on her for a long time. What I've learned is that hate is debilitating. It wears you down. Makes you sick inside. Sucks your energy. You aren't going to hurt the OW any by hating her, she could care less if you hate her or not. You will only stress yourself out, ruin your own happiness and make yourself very sick.

 

I know you hurt, but can you possibly start to seperate your life from your husband's life? You are a whole seperate entity apart from him even though you're married. Can you at least seperate the hurt that's there? Can you possibly begin to put that angry horrible energy into something good for yourself? Find something calming to do, something healing and soothing to you when you feel that rage coming on. You can't stay where you are forever. You have to forgive them both sometime. Forgiving doesn't mean you think it's okay what they did - IT ISN'T OKAY AND IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY. It was rotten and wrong and hurt you so very much and you are so wounded. Forgiving just means you choose to let it go and not let it eat up any more of your life. You can make a choice today and right now to stop giving that OW any more of your precious energy, happiness and life. You can begin to put seperate her, put her away forever in some dark corner outside your loving heart. It will take time, some days I still feel that anger, but I'm learning to take it easy on myself on those days. I get out in my garden, read a book, go for a walk, exercise at the gym, study my textbook, call my mom and chatter, play with my kids, anything that makes me feel better in my heart and soul or at least occupies my mind and keeps me from dwelling on it.

 

She isn't worth all the sorrow you're living with.

 

God bless you, sweetie. I know how you feel.