Confused6688 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 I have been married for two years, and before that was with my now wife for thirteen years.. For the past two and a half years I have been having an affair with a woman I love very much. I ended the relationship around three months ago after deciding I couldn't leave my wife as i had both been discussing with the OW for the previous six months. I want to be with her more than anything but I am scared that leaving my wife will hurt my two daughters (26 -and 22) . I left them and my first wife when they were young which was very hard on them and they have grown very close to their stepmother and they love her very much. I don't want to hurt them again and have them see me destroy another relationship. I am going to be 50 next week and I am trying to do the right thing by my family but I miss the woman I love desperately and I don't know how I am going to move on without her. Am I doing the right thing by staying or should I leave? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 You shouldn't have married if you were having an affair. (Why did you?) It's a strong indication that you're not as happy with your wife as you should be. Your children are adults now, and while this would affect their opinion of you should you divorce, living a lie isn't good for anyone either. Unless you can fully commit to your relationship and be happy in it, then end it. If you stay, you should confess the affair, as well, IMO. She may leave you over it, of course, but then you'd be free to pursue someone else. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused6688 Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 I felt like it was the right thing to do and I couldn't let everyone down by cancelling the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 I felt like it was the right thing to do and I couldn't let everyone down by cancelling the wedding. You're letting them down much much more by lying to them and cheating on them. Your behavior is vile. Man up, tell your wife the truth, and leave your marriage. Not for the other woman, but for your wife. Give her the chance to meet someone who feels about her the way you feel about the OW. Don't you think she deserves that? The OW may or may not take you back..frankly you don't deserve either of them..but at least your wife won't be in the dark about her own life anymore. Marrying your wife while you were having an affair was a cowardly thing to do. It's time to put your big boy pants on and own up to your lies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Did your first marriage end because you were having an affair? How long had you been with that wife for? Maybe you just bore of women & don't have it in you to be faithful for very long. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 (edited) Wow. How about growing up and being a man. Afraid to cancel the wedding due to others perception? Ouch. Your kids are adults. They'll be fine. Why don't you come out and say you don't want to be know as the "divorce guy". Leave your wife. She deserves better. Edited October 30, 2016 by BuddyX Grammar 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 How do you feel about your wife and partner of 13 years? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 I confess...I am having a hard time comprehending "getting married" while actively cheating for 6 months before the marriage. This makes absolutely no sense. Why in the hell you would get married? You owe it to your wife to tell her what a piece of work she married...and let her decide whether or not she even wants you in the same room with her. She may help you solve your problem and kick your butt to the curb so then you can run to your affair partner....no guilt. Unbelievable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I left them and my first wife when they were young which was very hard on them and they have grown very close to their stepmother and they love her very much. If, as others have asked, this means infidelity destroyed your first marriage then I'd guess your daughters will judge you harshly for the current affair. Can you blame them? Having gone through it once, not sure what could possess you to have an affair a second time. But then there's lots about cheating I don't understand... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused6688 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 I have never had an affair before, I left my first wife because of other issues and I regret not staying and trying to make it work. I do care about my wife, she is a good person and I don't want to hurt her. Which is why I am trying to carry on the pretence of being happy and I have stayed but I don't believe I would if it wasn't for the kids as I no longer love her. I know that I don't deserve to be happy because of what I have done and I believe I can pretend and she will never know and her and the children will be happy. I just don't know if that is the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I'm sorry but I guess your ' right thing to do ' is quite an old thing for you. Before marriage , during marriage , after marriage : you've been living double lives and still 'trying' to do ' the right thing'. Stop ruining lives. Get into therapy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Your wife doesn't deserve to be stuck in a sham of a marriage for the rest of her life and "pretending" isn't going to give her the marriage she deserves. Your marriage will lack true intimacy because one of the partners is being inauthentic and a liar. She will likely sense something is off and never know why, likely twisting herself in knots about what to do and engaging in self-blame. Your sacrifice will gain her nothing and just benefits you via the perception of the kids. Either confess this nonsense and give her the marriage she deserves with a man that can admit his flaws or confess and divorce. Either way, she deserves to know the truth so she can make her own informed choices. Meant gently, you don't deserve to have your reputation preserved. Take ownership of your behavior and show respect for those who love you. You want to know the right thing to do. There it is. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 The right thing to do - stop pretending. Live authentically. For everyone's sake, including your own. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I have never had an affair before, I left my first wife because of other issues and I regret not staying and trying to make it work. I do care about my wife, she is a good person and I don't want to hurt her. Which is why I am trying to carry on the pretence of being happy and I have stayed but I don't believe I would if it wasn't for the kids as I no longer love her. I know that I don't deserve to be happy because of what I have done and I believe I can pretend and she will never know and her and the children will be happy. I just don't know if that is the right thing to do. Why don't you think your wife deserves a happy marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I do care about my wife, she is a good person and I don't want to hurt her. I'm always amazed when a WS writes something like this. Confused6688, do you ever think of the brutal irony involved in not wanting to hurt your wife while doing the very thing guaranteed to cause her the most pain? Why not just be truthful and say "I was determined to pursue my own version of happiness regardless of the cost to others." You'll at least get points for honesty... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Pretending to be happy in a relationship is not fair to anyone. Talk to your wife about it. She deserves to know you no longer love her. It may hurt her but letting her believe you love her and if true colors are shown when she finds out about the affair, will hurt her more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
grassisorisntgreener Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Your OW stayed with you knowing you were willingly marrying someone else? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Your OW stayed with you knowing you were willingly marrying someone else? I was also surprised to read that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 You don't have the maturity for 'forever lasting love'. You fall in and out of love and I'm sure if you were with this OW, you'd soon fall out of love with her. Just give it a few years like your Ex and your current wife. You're not the type who should ever get married again. How would you feel if one of your daughters was married to a man like you? You walking them down the aisle to a cheat. A father should be a girls first role model of a man. What comfort can you bring if they come crying to you that they've been cheated on. ...While knowing you're no better than the guy who has broken their heart? Treat every woman you're in a relationship they way you'd want a man to treat your daughters and you'll do just fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Your OW stayed with you knowing you were willingly marrying someone else? She wouldnt be the first. There's been a few like this on the OW forum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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