Merkyterks Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Just looking for some general advice on what to do. My partner and I had been dating for 4 and a half years, and we reached a point where we needed some space to be independent because we'd met very young (high school sweethearts), so we made a mitual decision for him to move back home for a while, so that we could focus on ourselves. Now admittedly this was more for me because I am still studying and I have very little friendships outside of my relationship so I wanted some soace because I felt like I was becoming dependant on my partner, and his jealousy of other men made it difficult for me to make friends without feeling like I had to walk on egg shells. So we decide to have some space for a few days, and not see eachother while we work out if the breakup is permanent or if we can fix the issues theough just a break period (him staying at home, still see each other every now and then). After a few weeks, things were so much better. We had been sleeping together after about the first week, and seeing eachother everyday, even after we told our families about the sort-of break up situation. I had begun to fix my issues and he was excited to end the rough patch and start over. But after finally getting back together, I find out (by snooping because of suspicion, to be truthfully honest) that he had slept with another woman after the first few days of our break. It was at a club, and they met up once afterwards to eat. Now I am just overwhelmed with feelings of betrayal. Not only did he sleep with me a few days after, but he did not tell me (he claims out of fear of losing me), had I not foubd out, he admitted he never would have told me. He claims he never had feelings for her and it was a quick mistake made out of pain, but in the messages I read he was talking about how he may have feelings for this woman. He says that this is not true, and he was just upset. I dont know how long he was speaking to her, but he says they met the week we went on a break. He says he wants ti get back together, and that lying to me was the biggest mistake. But he has done something similar before. In the first two years of our relationship he had an emotional affair with a woman who he claimed he had feelings for, but only because of the intimacy missing in our relationship at the time (for which i claimed partial responsibility). He lied multiple times about erasing her from his life and it took us nearly a year to work past it (we had since fixed those issues, and we both discussed that these issues were not the reason for the most recent break between the two of us) So my question is: where do I go from here? I feel betrayed because he slept with me days after her, and planned never to tell me. I do not know if I can trust him again, because this physical betrayal cuts so deep. He says he hadn't spoke to her recently because we were doing so well and we were so happy and were sorting things out. But while the terms of our break were unclear, i yhought the fact that we were still sleeping together and seeing eachother (calling each other baby, and saying i love you) meant that we were still exclusive. I really need help to try and sort this out, my head is a mess. I love this man and I genuibely feel like he is feeling guilt and remorse for his actions. I believe he loves me. But I do not trust my instincts on this, I feel tainted. Like I'm blinded by my feelings, and afraid that I'll disrespect myself by taking him back after this because I care about him and want to make it work.
doyathinkso Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 It appears to me that he was of the opinion that this was not a break but a break-up. He moved on. Please don't let him eat cake. Send him back to his other girlfriend. You can and will do much better than him. 1
Friskyone4u Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Merky, You two are obviously, so i am not trying to speak for your boyfriend, but if he was jealous before YOU asked for a break to find your space and yourself, it would not surprise me if he interpreted that to mean by "space" that you wanted to be free to form relationships with other men of some kind without his interference or jealousy. In folks who are married on here, most of the advice that comes, and most of the time it is correct, is that when a woman in a exclusive relationship wants 'space" there is usually another man on the horizon or already there. Not sure how specific you two talked about this "separation". Now he should have confessed to you but the question is if you wanted to talk to other guys without him being jealous, did you intend on being totally faithful. If so, why did you not address this "space" without separating??? As far as trusting him, that is an issue you two have to really communicate on. Being so young, do you both want to remain exclusive.
JewelD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 what do you mean trust again? You already didn't trust him because when you got back together you went snooping through his stuff. And he clearly told you that he would not have admitted it if you hadn't found out. So now you know how he operates. I Imagine there's probably a lot more he has done that you don't know about yet. But for all intents and purposes, he basically cheated on you twice. Do you really want to stick around and see what else he has in store for you when things get rough?
aileD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 When you discussed the "break"....did you talk about if it was ok to see other people or not? What the break really meant? 1
elaine567 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 People who want to fix relationships, tend to stick together to fix issues. When a break or a break up is suggested, one of the couple often sees that as an opportunity to pursue others. Once a third party is involved then the initial problems they may have had, are then deemed insignificant in the face of the "infidelity". Technically "on a break", means he didn't actually cheat, but it does not stop the feeling of betrayal and the loss of trust you now feel. He was so cut up about losing you, he slept with anther woman and hid it, just doesn't really cut it, does it? Never suggest a "break", unless you make it abundantly clear that seeing others is not permitted, too many assume the break is to sort out their differences, only to find the other is off pursuing other options. That is what happened here. As he seems to have some lax boundaries, it is not the first time he has gone looking for other women, then perhaps you need to reassess this relationship. High school romances rarely last the distance. He and you probably need to split and go date others, as IMO it is only a matter of time before his wanderlust will again set in. He is too young for commitment. You are getting to the stage after almost 5 years together, where marriage is the next step, and I guess he is nowhere near ready for that. Do not waste too much time trying to fix this. It takes a long time to re-establish trust and you are too young for all that. 20 year marriage + three kids - absolutely try to make it work. High school romance - move swiftly on. Dating is about finding the right people, sorry to say but he has already shown you he is not right for you. “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou 1
oldshirt Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 There really is no such thing as a "break." Breaks are usually a term women use to keep a man sitting on the shelf in reserve whilst she tries out another man for size to see if that is going to work out or not. You are either in a relationship and working to maintain it or you are out of it and each is free to do as they please unless both parties agree otherwise. Before you took this 'break' did you two discuss if you were each to remain faithful to the other or whether you would each be seeing other people?? That is a critical piece of any kind of trial separation. If you both agreed that you would not see other people then this is clearly a breech of fidelity and should be treated as such. If there was no such agreement in place and each of you had carte blanche to do as you pleased, then it may just be kind of a bitter pill to swallow and a lesson learned. If you were each free agents able to do as you pleased during this separation, then the concern I would have going forward is how is he going to manage any other relationship rough patches and challenges that arise in the future? All relationships and marriages have periodic rough patches and times of hardship and uncertainty. Is every time you hit a bump in the road is he going to be picking up drunk chicks in bars? Face your facts and your own realities - is he a womanizer or skirt chaser or playa'? Even though he may say he's sorry and that he made a mistake, is he actually a ladies man that is always going to other women waiting in the wings for the moment that you have some kind of rough patch in your relationship? Is he always going to have a back up plan to where the moment you have doubts about the relationship, instead of leaving no stone unturned to fix the relationship, is he going to hit the bars and clubs and pick up his next bedwarmer? Is that someone that you are OK in moving forward with in serious relationship? 4
oldshirt Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 ....now that all being said, you need to own your shyte too. You were the one that initiated the "break" so you could interact with other men without his jealousy interfering. What exactly did that mean?????? Was this "break" really about you wanting to get out and play the field a little and he just happened to beat you to the bedroom with someone else and now you have some sour grapes??????? I gotta be honest with you, if HE had written in here saying that his GF of several years was wanting a "break" because she felt he was too 'possessive' and controlling and wasn't letting her run around with other men, I would tell him to make a clean break, let her see whoever she wanted and that he was then free to meet, date, pick up, hook up and do whatever it was that he wanted. I don't believe in "breaks" and I believe that 9 times out of 10, initiating a "break" is manipulation and a power play to eat some cake while keep the other party hanging on and sitting patiently on the shelf waiting for the other person to try out some strange and then be able to come back if they didn't happen to come across anything better. I think you may have gotten burned by your own skillet here. I have the feeling if he were telling the story there would be quite a few differences in the story here. I am kind of leaning towards what Elaine said above, if this were a marriage with a mortgage and minor children, I would lean towards some serious come-to-Jesus meetings and some professional marital counseling. As this was a dating relationship going back to your youth and this is how you each handled some doubt in the relationship, I think this may be your sign that it is time to just call it a day and move on.
oldshirt Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 People who want to fix relationships, tend to stick together to fix issues. When a break or a break up is suggested, one of the couple often sees that as an opportunity to pursue others. Never suggest a "break", unless you make it abundantly clear that seeing others is not permitted, too many assume the break is to sort out their differences, only to find the other is off pursuing other options. That is what happened here. As he seems to have some lax boundaries, it is not the first time he has gone looking for other women, then perhaps you need to reassess this relationship. He and you probably need to split and go date others, as IMO it is only a matter of time before his wanderlust will again set in. You are getting to the stage after almost 5 years together, where marriage is the next step, and I guess he is nowhere near ready for that. Do not waste too much time trying to fix this. 20 year marriage + three kids - absolutely try to make it work. High school romance - move swiftly on. Dating is about finding the right people, sorry to say but he has already shown you he is not right for you. “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou I just broke up the key points and am reposting this to help it all sink in a little more. Some times people ask for a "sign" to know if someone is the right one for them or not. I think this whole incident was your "sign." 1
Alamo657 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 This is the second time he cheated on you. You know the saying : "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". Cut the crap and end this relationship which from the sound of it is all about him getting laid. 1
sandylee1 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 If he really felt it was okay to sleep with another woman because you were on a break, then why was he hellbent on you not knowing about it? Whilst the terms of the break were not discussed, the fact that you two were still intimate to me means there was something of an implied understanding. A break from a relationship while still sleeping together doesn't work. I tried something similar many years ago. Now this below would be an issue .... Butt he has done something similar before. In the first two years of our relationship he had an emotional affair with a woman who he claimed he had feelings for, but only because of the intimacy missing in our relationship at the time (for which i claimed partial responsibility). He lied multiple times about erasing her from his life You have a liar and a cheater on your hands. He lied multiple times about cutting her off .... but he didn't. What's the end game with this guy? Marriage? Because with his past he's shown himself to be untrustworthy. He isn't a safe partner. How can you feel safe saying "I do" to him. If you just want a boyfriend for a bit longer then fine. But he's not going to be faithful to you long term. He's been with you since high school and wants to try other women. At the same time he's jealous of other men. Even if he wasn't sure about the terms of the break up, considering the past incident, he should have clarified or not done it. You'd be better making the break up permanent.
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