How to get him to appreciate me.

[Mozart]

Hi folks,

 

What can a person do to be more appreciated in a relationship and not feel they are being taken for granted?

 

I would like to feel that i am a value to my boyfriend and feel appreciated by him. Lately i have not been feeling that.

 

any advice?

[laRubiaBonita]

dote on him heavily for a good two weeks, then be Miss unavailable for another 2.....absence makes the heart grow fonder....

[Mozart]

thanks, but i don't play like playing games.

 

I guess i have been doting on him for the last 2 years. ... i just want him to be more appreciative for the things i do for him.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mozart

thanks, but i don't play like playing games.

 

I guess i have been doting on him for the last 2 years. ... i just want him to be more appreciative for the things i do for him.

 

In order to feel appreciated there has to be BALANCE. Lack of balance in a relationship is what causes people to be taken for granted.

 

So if you dote and never make yourself unavailable, you will not have learned balance.

 

If he never has a break from your giving, he will not realize what it's like to not have it and therefore, will never appreciate you.

[smile95]

In order to feel appreciated there has to be BALANCE. Lack of balance in a relationship is what causes people to be taken for granted.

 

so true.....can you get it back once you are alredy taklen for granted......nice to have you back CIOC, by the way!

[Thinkalot]

You could always just try talking to him about how you're feeling

[smile95]

talking.....there is a novel idea!!!! too bad he has no idea how to communicate! He would make a joke out if it if I did bring it up. According to him, we had no probelms. right!

 

I wish I could just tell him.....what a great feeling it would be to have a bf that talked and listened. lol

[Thinkalot]

Geez that's not good Beth. I tell my husband things that bother me all the time...he says I tell himtoo much, which I think is probably true...but he certainly does listen to me and together we try and make changes if either one of us feels upset or taken for granted..

sometimes of course we argue first, but we usually get to an agreement which suits us both

[smile95]

you are very lucky that he is willing to work with you. It is so frustrating for me to not be able to have a conv with him.

[Thinkalot]

I bet it is! I wonder what new tactics you can use, so that conversation can be initiated?

[RecordProducer]

Generally people appreciate you more when:

 

1. You're kind and polite;

2. You don't show your fears, insecurity, and complexes 24/7;

3. You act mature and don't do things you regret later (too often);

4. You're happy and cheerful;

5. You're calm and in peace with yourself;

6. Don't pay attention to too many minor and trivial things;

7. You don't ask too many questions;

8. You're proud of your actions;

9. You're able to forgive and forget;

10. You accept "no" as an answer;

11. You're not jealous or envious;

12. You're not emotionally dependent on anyone;

13. You have high moral values and stand behind your words;

14. You appreciate yourself.

[Thinkalot]

wow RP! Who on earth meets all those criteria?? Certainly not me..at least not all of them at any one time..lol

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

wow RP! Who on earth meets all those criteria?? Certainly not me..at least not all of them at any one time..lol

 

Nobody does. It's just the ideal model we should tend to reach as closest as possible. IMHO.

[shygurl]

I noticed you posted this in the "Getting Married" forum. Does that mean you're engaged and soon to be getting married? (I ask because you referred to him as your boyfriend, not fiance - so just wanting to clarify). If you are going to be getting married soon, by all means, do NOT marry him until you get this worked out because if you don't feel appreciated now, it will only be worse once you've married him.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Nobody does. It's just the ideal model we should tend to reach as closest as possible. IMHO.

 

well, it is a good model to strive for

[Mozart]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I put this in the getting married forum since my boyfriend and i basically live together ( i have not made the complete tranisition from my place) We do have plans to get married in the future.

 

 

I have been available for the last 2 years. Whenever he's needed help, i was there. whenever he had a problem, i was there. He has acknowledged my help with a thank you. Which is wonderful, but i want to feel valued by him. but having talked to him about it in the past, he has said he does appreciate me and didn't realize how i felt, and thought that doing things for one another was something that happens in a relationship. In turn he did say he would make more of an effort.

 

Well, i haven't seen it. Granted, he does things for me, but i am always giving that extra thank you to let him know how much i appreciate his help and value him.

 

Recently, i helped him on a major project that took a lot of time, and at the same time helped him with some other things that took out alot of my time. In the end, i got a short thanks via email.

 

I didnt think anything of it.. until i was speaking to one of our friends. His GF is hating her job, and would very much like to quit but can't bc of contract issues. Because of her stress, he took that extra initiative to get her flowers, comfort her and let her know that she can get through it. In our conversation he said that she's always in a tough situation, but always coming out of it strong. With that he said she'always there for him, and it just a little something to show that he loves her and is there for her. I'm in a similar situation, working full time and a full time student. My boyfriend has yet to acknowledge the hard work i put in every day and still make time for him and his stuff. But, i have yet to hear my boyfriend acknowlege the stress i go through, or to support me.

 

if it was one of his friends doing something for him, say getting him a hard to find cd... he's ready to jump up and thank him, take him out, buy him something, and go on about what a good friend he is. And yes i do cringe a bit when he does go on.. i feel like they do one small thing for him and they are his saviour..

 

I'm afraid he's gotten used to me being there all the time, which has resulted in him not taking any inititave or his willinginess to lend a hand.

 

I dont want to have to ask him if he does appreciate me, or if he values me, i would like him to say it on his own.. but i feel that if can't do it through his actions or even verbally.. then perhaps he doesnt really appreciate m.

 

So, my question remains... i don't want to end up being the one who puts her neck out. .. i know i am a great asset to him, but i want him to know that. ... and i don't know..

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mozart

Recently, i helped him on a major project that took a lot of time, and at the same time helped him with some other things that took out alot of my time. In the end, i got a short thanks via email.

 

So he is thanking you in some form...

 

My boyfriend has yet to acknowledge the hard work i put in every day and still make time for him and his stuff. But, i have yet to hear my boyfriend acknowlege the stress i go through, or to support me.

 

Perhaps you may have to come to the realization soon that this is a part of who he is....his personality.

 

if it was one of his friends doing something for him, say getting him a hard to find cd... he's ready to jump up and thank him, take him out, buy him something, and go on about what a good friend he is. And yes i do cringe a bit when he does go on.. i feel like they do one small thing for him and they are his saviour..

 

You've seen him do it in person?

 

I'm afraid he's gotten used to me being there all the time, which has resulted in him not taking any inititave or his willinginess to lend a hand.

 

If you read my first reply, you'll see this is exactly why I believe he has taken you for granted. Unless you occasionally remind him of what he is missing when you aren't there for him, he will have NO WAY to appreciate it when you are. Balance, balance, balance....

 

I dont want to have to ask him if he does appreciate me, or if he values me, i would like him to say it on his own.. but i feel that if can't do it through his actions or even verbally.. then perhaps he doesnt really appreciate m.

 

He will say he does, I guarantee you. Confronting him might make him a bit more aware that he is taking you for granted but you MUST not be there every second for him and do things tirelessly all the time. He's a big boy, he can handle things himself. He doesn't need a mother, he needs a G/F. I did the same with my Ex and she took me for granted in the same manner. Had I just not jumped at every chance to help her, she would have appreciated me.

 

So, my question remains... i don't want to end up being the one who puts her neck out. .. i know i am a great asset to him, but i want him to know that. ... and i don't know..

 

Don't be his asset...be his girlfriend and learn balance and to draw boundaries with him. Learn to have some self control and to NOT throw him a life preserver every time he needs one (do so if absolutely necessary but pick and choose carefully what you help him with and, especially on the smaller, easier things let him handle it on his own.)

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results each time.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Men need specific instructions. Instead of telling him you feel unappreciated for all you do, tell him exactly what he needs to do to show you that he appreciates you. Only you can tell him what you need.

 

In my experience guys can't take a hint. When you tell him about a friend who got flowers, he hears you tell him your friend got flowers. He doesn't hear your mind thinking how nice it would be to get flowers from him.

 

Maybe next time you start to "do" something for him, ask him to do you a small favour first, and then make it look like you are returning the favour by doing something you normally do for him.

 

I got this email the other day:

 

The top ten things men understand about women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

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10.

[Israfil]

Why are you with him?

[Jdjudy21]

Hello out there in internet land,

It's been a looong time since I've posted anything but I really need some help.

I feel like I'm crazy because I've never had to work this hard for a relationship but I'm half to blame for this I suppose---- so lets do a quick view on each side- then you guys can tell me if I made a huge mistake- you see I’ve left because I was unhappy and just couldn’t get comfortable with him-just something felt not right....

History

OK, so me and my boyfriend have been dating what would be 5 months by tomorrow, we fell in love fast ( but I later found out he didn't love me he just told me that because he felt like he had to) and within the first week we started dating we started to argue. He has a great sense of humor but it has a mean streak in it- for example it was near our 1st month anniversary( reminder -only known each other for a week) and he thought it would be funny to keep me up until midnight to "break up with me"- then he followed up with an april fool's! yeah-funny sweetheart…. Again a very special sense of humor ( ok so was I being too sensitive?) anyway- he’s also got a jealousy problem- he got mad that I had dated so many guys, then I gave him my e-mail address passwords to make him feel better which only made things worse because he read an e-mail from a male friend of mine- which I admit looked like I wanted to see him but that was never my antension(sp?)- I’ve spent many a night crying and loving him and neglecting my studies- he was there when I really needed someone ( or I should say used to be there –that support stopped about 2 months ago)—anyway lot of stuff like this- and he even didn’t like me talking to anyone he didn’t know about- so I didn’t- yeah he had his ex’s he talked to and it made me soo jealous. One minute he says he wants to marry me- the next minute he says oh well we can wait- I have no say in this relationship,but as for feeling like an obligation, the straw that broke the camel’s back came this morning when he said he’d sleep with me—he hasn’t wanted to lately because he’s tired- but he’s got magazines and porn he looks at all the time. I’m not saying I’m perfect and I love him so much but what can I do if I express my feelings of feeling like an obligation to him and getting no where….. any ideas?

Thanks for your help

[nebuchadnezzar]

My sistren, are you doing the things for to get a respose from him? Or are you doing those things becuase you like doing them? Think about it very carefully before you respond. There will be more to follow.

[Shana]

My b/f and I meet all of RP's list .. EXCEPT the taking NO for an answer.. that does not seem to work alot