Is this a rut?

[Yohyoh]

Hello everyone,

 

First post ever here so please bear with me.

 

I am a 25 year old male who is in a relationship with my fiancé. We've been together for 3 years (engaged for 1.5). We have two amazing children, our daughter who is two and our son who is 6 months old. I'm at work 8 hours a day 5 days a week and my fiancé is a stay at home mom and does an amazing job at it.

 

For the last year or so. We've been having our ups and downs. Let me tell you what I mean.

 

We have these 30 min- 2 hour talks about where we are at in our relationship and how we both think we're doing with parenting. We never have actually fought. Never yelled or shrieked. We've definitely been civil and understanding towards one another when it comes to these chats. Well just the other day we had one.. this was one I never wanted to have with her but I asked her what was wrong and she said this.. "I don't really want to talk about it" so I said "things are only going to get better if we talk about it" so then we talked. She is definitely a hard egg to crack compared to me. She basically feels like her and I are just roommates livin together raising children. I try to be affectionate with her all the time but sometimes she even blows me off on them. She says she has no disire to be affectionate with me because she doesn't love me the same way and it bothers her. We rarely have sex, we don't talk like we used to. And we see each other everyday. I think it's because our kids have consumed our lives and that's all we focus on and we don't give ourselves as a couple that time that we deserve and need. Is their a way we can kick start that flame in my fiancé again or are we doom and gloom? She's going to see a councillor in two weeks to see what we can do. Anyone on here have any ideas?

[Mr. Lucky]

She basically feels like her and I are just roommates livin together raising children. I try to be affectionate with her all the time but sometimes she even blows me off on them. She says she has no disire to be affectionate with me because she doesn't love me the same way and it bothers her. We rarely have sex, we don't talk like we used to. And we see each other everyday. I think it's because our kids have consumed our lives and that's all we focus on and we don't give ourselves as a couple that time that we deserve and need.

 

Why so many kids so early in the arc of your relationship ? Didn't give you much time to just be a couple together and set the foundation for your life together

 

Two young children are a two person job. Are you involved in their care? Your work might end after 8 hours, her's is 24 hours a day...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

If I'm doing the math right, she got pregnant somewhere around 3 months or so after you started seeing each other. This would have been during the limerence phase. It's entirely possible the limerence phase has worn off and she isn't actually in love with you, but mistook limerence for love when she decided to become engaged.

[Yohyoh]

So, we looked at it like this, we were a little younger yes but have our kids the best chance to be happy and healthy. I love the idea of me being 45 and my daughter being 20! I don't like and will not take being judged on our ages that we are young parents. Believe it or not we did talk about kids after 2.5 months into it. Yes we were in our honey moon stage but we both felt we were right for each other putting those crazy lovey dovey feelings aside. When I get up I make sure all the bottles are cleaned and the place is cleaned up for another day of raising the kids, I come home after work at 4:30 and play with the kids and let go have a bath or let her put her feet up. I'll cook dinner when kids are napping and she's still taking it easy. When I'm home it's a 50/50 split.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't like and will not take being judged on our ages that we are young parents. Believe it or not we did talk about kids after 2.5 months into it. Yes we were in our honey moon stage but we both felt we were right for each other putting those crazy lovey dovey feelings aside.

 

How's that currently working for you ???

 

The comments have nothing to do with your age, it just seemed you moved very quickly and now you're paying the price.

 

When I get up I make sure all the bottles are cleaned and the place is cleaned up for another day of raising the kids, I come home after work at 4:30 and play with the kids and let go have a bath or let her put her feet up. I'll cook dinner when kids are napping and she's still taking it easy. When I'm home it's a 50/50 split.

 

Good for you, sounds like you're doing your share.

 

Is the counselor she's seeing for her or both of you? Certainly seems you're looking at the relationship and seeing something different than she is, time to bridge that gap...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, what MJ Jean says rings true. Also Mr. Lucky is right about having kids too fast. You should have taken more time to enjoy life as an unencumbeted couple before embarking on the parenting game. Also if you come to an anonymous forum like this one, expect to get some 'shoot from the hip' comments from folks on here. If you are sensitive to comments about your being too young to have become parents then I guess you are going to to be in for some unpleasant moments. Just a thought. Cheers.

[MJJean]

So, we looked at it like this, we were a little younger yes but have our kids the best chance to be happy and healthy. I love the idea of me being 45 and my daughter being 20! I don't like and will not take being judged on our ages that we are young parents. Believe it or not we did talk about kids after 2.5 months into it. Yes we were in our honey moon stage but we both felt we were right for each other putting those crazy lovey dovey feelings aside. When I get up I make sure all the bottles are cleaned and the place is cleaned up for another day of raising the kids, I come home after work at 4:30 and play with the kids and let go have a bath or let her put her feet up. I'll cook dinner when kids are napping and she's still taking it easy. When I'm home it's a 50/50 split.

 

I'm 41 and my two daughters are 23 and 18 with my son being the "baby" at age 15. I am not criticizing your age at time of conception.

 

What I am saying is that limerence is literally a natural chemical and hormonal high. You and your fiance decided to have children and become engaged while under the influence of a hormone cocktail designed to make you view each other through rose colored glasses, not as you necessarily are. The limerence phase is designed to make you feel you're right for each other, even if you're not. This is why it is advised to date for some time before making major life decisions like marriage and children.

 

You jumped in with both feet and had two children during the limerence phase. It's now entirely possible that your fiance has left the limerence phase and realizes that she made a giant commitment with a man she isn't actually in love with, after all.

[Yohyoh]

Sorry, I get a little touchy with the age thing because I lost my relationship with my father over it. He pretty much stopped talking to me because of the birth of my daughter.

 

So.. being level headed. Here is our plan.

 

She's going to see a counciler on her own next week, then two weeks later her and I are going to see the same counciler and alternate from their. We both decided that date nights every second Friday would be a good thing and pick up where we last left off before we had kids. Hell even we both talked about how crazy we were for doing it. But we certainly don't regret it.

[Mr. Lucky]

All good ideas. Keep an open mind and a gentle heart, you'll hear some difficult things in counseling. Think long term, you want to provide a stable, healthy environment in which your kids will grow up.

 

I was 47 when my last was born, definitely not the young Dad ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

It does sound like you are in a rut---that happens to a lot of marriages when kids come around...kids take over your life.

 

I think it's good you can talk about things and I also think that the posters that replied to you and talked of the limerence stage are worth listening to.

 

Limerence stage can last anywhere up to 2 years. It doesn't mean it's not love it just means that the chemical sand hormones and list that brought you together is starting to wear off and it's time to either transition to a deeper love or to part ways.

 

Here is a great video that helped me and my H out a lot. It talks about stages of love. A lot of people get stuck in the power struggle....that may be where you are as a couple, and you're fighting to get out of it into the deeper more mature stages of love. [the video is "five stages of relationships" and it's by Bruce Musik]

 

You're marital fate depends on your actions (you and your wife). If you keep the lines of communication open and actively pursue a better marriage then you will most likely get there and be totally fulfilled.

 

But if it's swept under the rug and resentments build then that leads to affairs and divorce and pain.

 

I wish you the best ...keep things open. []

Edited October 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted link ~6

[MJJean]

Sorry, I get a little touchy with the age thing because I lost my relationship with my father over it. He pretty much stopped talking to me because of the birth of my daughter.

 

So.. being level headed. Here is our plan.

 

She's going to see a counciler on her own next week, then two weeks later her and I are going to see the same counciler and alternate from their. We both decided that date nights every second Friday would be a good thing and pick up where we last left off before we had kids. Hell even we both talked about how crazy we were for doing it. But we certainly don't regret it.

 

No sweat.

 

My mother died unexpectedly at 44 on the day before my 21st birthday. I miss her every day and one of my comforts is that I apologized for being a d*uchebag when I was a teenager and told her how very much I loved her before she was gone. Life is short. Call your dad and mend fences. You never know what tomorrow will bring, how long you will live, or how long he will live.

 

I know this may be an unpopular view, but I believe the marriage has to come first. It is the primary relationship and the family's foundation. Happy parents are better parents. Not to mention, if things go as planned, your kids will eventually grow up and leave home, but your spouse will still be there. If you and your fiance are determined to give it your best try, you both need to make your personal romantic relationship a priority.

 

It's tricky putting the marriage first when there are young children because they require so much hands on attention to keep them from destroying your stuff or gargling bleach while juggling kitchen knives. But there are things you can do.

 

*Get the kids on a sleep schedule that allows you two to have at least an hour a night to be together

 

* Express affection freely all day, every day. A quick kiss, a touch, a hug/cuddle just for a moment, an meaningful glance, maybe even a quick grope or pat on the butt here and there.

 

Touching for more than 30 seconds releases bonding hormones. So does shared laughter. It's good for the kids to see their parents be affectionate as a romantic couple because that will be their template for their own future romantic relationships.

 

*Think outside the box when it comes to spending time together just sharing thoughts and such.

 

At one point, just to get a few minutes to connect, I'd go into the bathroom to chat while DH was showering because it shared a wall with the kids room and I could hear what they were doing.

 

We joined the local YMCA because they had free daycare and we could always find a secluded set of treadmills or ellipticals we could use. Multi-tasking, lol. Getting in a decent conversation while getting cardio!

 

* Don't cancel date night even if you can't get a sitter or afford to go out.

 

I cannot tell you how many dates DH and I have had in the family room. We'd get some wine, a pizza, light some candles, watch a movie or just listen to music and talk. The kids could sack out in the living room, watch their movies, eat junk food, and pretty much do whatever they wanted (pillow fights, fort building, board games) as long as they didn't interrupt date night for anything less than blood, vomit, or fire.

 

* Chores are a thing, but so is life. Don't let potential special moments pass by because there are a few dishes in the sink that could totally wait until tomorrow.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry but I have to agree that you had children too soon into the relationship. How many memories do you have of doing things as a couple without kids? Most couples would have gone on vacation, been to parties, concerts, festivals etc. ... you guys have missed out on all that.

 

Try and start doing that now if you want to improve things. That means paying a babysitter or getting a family member to look after the kids while you go on date nights. Spend time just the two of you . It can be the movies, dinner, bowling, anything to have fun and be a couple for that time.

 

She's not getting romance and having the chance or opportunity of not being a mum.

 

Kids can put pressure on a relationship and you both jumped into parenthood quickly. Think about it ... you were basically committing to spending the rest of your life with someone you'd only known for a few months. Marriage or not you were going to be tied to her via the kids.

 

I imagine that when she looks at other 25 year old ladies, they are living a very different life to her. They don't have her responsibility and they work and have careers.

 

The relationship needs a serious injection of excitement and if you think it'll cost too much ... think of how much living seperately would cost.

[ShatteredLady]

Yes! You're in a rut.

 

We waited 15 YEARS before we tried for our first baby. By the time we had our 2nd we were exhausted & in the biggest rut ever!!

 

Frequently we wish we had kids younger!!

 

I don't think it matters that much. It's incredibly hard & you have to work to keep the romance alive. Believe & have faith in COMMITMENT!!

 

If you know there's no way out (hahaha!) you 'should' try much harder to make it the best relationship it could ever be. You can get through this if you both want to. That's true at EVERY stage of marriage. You will NOT always be desperately in love. If you can be 50% of the time you've got a fantastic marriage!!