How do I tell her I'm not coming back?

[stratman]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here. I've been married for 21 years. My wife and I haven't been particularly happy over the course of the years. We met, partied, and then she became pregnant. We have two children, one 15 one 21. We got married while she was pregnant and I worked my ass off to make a good living and support my family.

 

Well, once we stopped partying because of the pregnancy, it turned out that our sober selves really didn't along too well. But we stuck it out. As much as I hated it, as miserable as we both were, we hung in there 'for the kids'.

 

The story is long and involved, but 3 years ago I decided to leave for a while. And I was shocked at her reaction. I had thought that she might even be relieved to have me gone for a while, but it seemed to devastate her. So, because I felt so damn guilty, I went back after two weeks. Of course she promised that things would be different. (She is a very negative person, very controlling, liable to stomp around the house and slam doors for days at a time without ever saying whats bothering her. We have literally gone months without speaking a word to each other)

 

And things were different. For about two weeks. Then it was back to the same ol. Let me say that during this time I had never had an affair (though there had been offers). I didn't go to strip clubs. I went to work, came home, went to bed.

 

However, 3 years later, I have fallen in love with someone that I occassionally work with. Stupid, I know. Especially since she's married also. It wasn't planned. I didn't hit on her, she didn't hit on me. We just started talking, cutting up with each other, we started going to lunch, and sometime during that, it happened. We both know the repercussions of what we're doing. And we both feel that if we had been happy at home then this would never have happened.

 

One month ago I moved out of my house. Not to be with this woman that I have fallen in love with. But because I felt that we had been so unhappy, and I always felt that I could not be with two women at the same time. So I moved out.

 

Let me also say that the woman that I fell in love with is having a very hard time with all of this. She loves me, and she was close to leaving her husband before we ever met. But now she feels that she should give her marriage one last shot. Give it all she has is how she phrases it. And if our love is true and real then it will be there if she can't make it work with her husband. And, of course, as much as it hurts, I have to agree with her. We have NOT slept together. We decided that doing that would only confuse the issue more and one thing we DIDN'T need was more confusion.

 

What is the point of all of this?

 

My wife believes that I am coming back home. She firmly believes this. However, I know that I am not. Regardless of this other woman, I feel so much more at ease, so much more comfortable living alone than with my wife. And I've told her so. SHe tells me that she has done a lot of soul searching, that she realizes the things she did wrong and why she did them. And that if I would only come back I would see just how happy I could be.

 

I'm not asking for opinions about whether or not I should go back. Nor am I asking for opinions on whether or not I should pursue this woman that I truly love. My question is, how do I tell my wife that I am NOT coming back? That as much as I hate it, and that even though part of me loves her, I cannot go back and live that life again. I thought that living without me for awhile would show her that she could do fine without me. That she wouldn't really miss me. It hasn't happened so far. I don't hate her. And the other woman isn't really an issue. I have no idea if I will ever have a relationship with her. All I know for sure is that I'm not going back into that marriage. That she has made promises before about how things would be different and they lasted all of a week or two.

 

I've read so much in this forum, but the one thing I haven't read much about is being happy. People say go to counseling, give it just one more try....

 

But there is SO much to be said for being happy. If you're not happy, then nothing else matters. I don't mean ecstatic everyday, I mean just truly happy with yourself, with your life, with your spouse. How someone can stay in a marriage forever that they simply are not happy with is beyond me. But of course, I stayed 21 years so who am I to talk?

 

Does anyone have an suggestions as to how to tell my wife that I am NOT coming back? That I truly and sincerely want to have a good relationship with her, but I do NOT want to be married any longer?

 

Thanks for any opinions.

[freebird]

[Does anyone have an suggestions as to how to tell my wife that I am NOT coming back? That I truly and sincerely want to have a good relationship with her, but I do NOT want to be married any longer?

 

Tell her this - plain and simple and honest. That's as good as it gets. She knows as well as you do why the two of you aren't together any longer.

 

Excuse me if this sounds bad, but life is too short to simply "exist" in an unhappy relationship. The sooner you end it, the sooner you BOTH can move on. In my opinion, after 21 years, it seems you both gave it your best shot.

[dresden]

Yes, be honest and clear. Be prepared for her to be devastated again. Be prepared for your children to possibly hate you for hurting Mom. Assure her that you will support the kids, etc.

 

It's not going to be easy after 21 years, but go find your happiness (leave the married lady alone). Be alone for a while.

[Leah]

I agree with the advice you've gotten so far. You need to tell her ASAP.

 

However, I would NOT do it in person. Why? Because it's much more likely that she will cause a scene and then the possibility exists that you might cave into her again.

 

It's quite clear that your wife knows how you've been feeling, no doubt about that. See an attorney and either start proceedings in motion or be ready to do so, then, WRITE HER A LETTER and advise her of your decision.

 

She is going to have to know one way or the other, and if you're not there when she gets the news then she'll be forced into acceptance.

 

Tell her in the letter that, once proceedings are underway, you'll be there to collect your belongings, etc, and that you may talk then. But to be quite honest, I think I'd keep my distance until the divorce is final. This is how I did it and it worked quite well... I would STILL be with my ex today if I'd coninued to try to rationalize with him face to face.

 

Good luck to you.

[Maygirl]

Hi Stratman,

My H and I are going through something like what you are, but I won't go into it. I'm in the separation and breakup forum under "I found him on the internet dating site." We have been married over 30 years.

Just a few questions: Since you've been separated, have you been seeing your wife or dating her?

Why does she think that you're coming back? Have you been hinting that you might because you haven't the guts to tell her the truth?

 

My H and I began dating and we've found a passion that we didn't know existed between us. Yes, he's still looking, and the woman he thought he wanted doesn't want him. But every time we're together, we grow closer emotionally and sexually. We've been making love for 3 and 4 hours at a time. He still is confused, he still doesn't want to make a committment to return. YET. You see, I HAD a personality kind of like your wife has. We didn't like one another very much, which is why he became involved in an EA on the internet.

Why don't you give your wife 6 months. This isn't long ,and if it will save your marriage, it will be worth it. Or try dating her while you're separated. I wish I could write to her. How close are the two of you. I mean, do you talk at all about things? If so have her look me up on this site and read some of what I've written.

If she could change and be the kind of person who loves you unconditionally and gives you passion would you be willing to at least date her for the moment and let her prove to you she has changed? Would you consider counselling?

My H and I find that sitting down to "talk" about the past and the bad marriage we had just doesn't work. Instead, we open up to one another here and there sometimes during our sexual encounters (which I told you last for many hours) or on the phone, and sometimes a bit thru e-mail. I do call him quite a bit. He sometimes calls me. It really doesn't make any difference who does the asking the important thing is to try something.

You see, I feel that it's not just your wife who is questioning whether to call it quits forever, but YOU also, otherwise you would have made it clear to her. You're probably trying to talk yourself into it. You know, if she suddenly went on with her life, maybe even found a love for herself, I bet you would come begging to work on your relationship. Have you thought about that? Just some thoughts.

Maygirl

[RecordProducer]

The worst part about divorces is the hostility that turns two ex-lovers into enemies. Having her type of personality in mind, I think she will express a lot of rage once she realizes you're not coming back.

In my opinion you should try the friendly (but not patronizing) way. Explain to her that you were both unhappy with the marriage and that it's better to stay friends, hang out with the kids, and have a chance to start new lives than stay in an unhealthy marriage.

Let her know how much it hurts you to see her hurt and that you care about her a lot. If she is not angry at you, she will accept the separation much easier.

Divorces are always hard, don't expect it to be easy.

If I were you, I would talk to the kids prior to the wife, because she might feed them with irrational emotions after she finds out you're not coming back. Perhaps they could help their mother remain in good terms with you, especially the older one.

The thing over which the worst fights start is dividing the marital assets so be very well prepared before you talk to her about this matter.

If you date another woman, make sure she doesn't find out. Once you're separated, although you'll have a right to do whatever you want, she will try to take control over your life. My ex-BF was divorcing his wife when we started dating and his ex-wife tried to ruin our relationship in many ways. She was also sending him emails about her expectations, wanted to get more money that belonged to her, and was spying on him long after they divorced and we broke up.

[Zaira]

Tell her face to face as soon as possible, and be open and honest about your feelings. People change, don't feel guilty.

[Leah]

I think Stratman was pretty explicit in the fact that he's made the decision to leave his wife, that he doesnt want any advice on the other relationship, etc.

 

** His sole question ... how do I tell her.** You can do this face to face, Stratman, but you may be doing it for a lifetime.

 

Again, you are explicit in your letter that wife doesnt seem to want to let go even considering the rocky course of the relationship.

 

You owe her the truth !! But it's not sealed in stone that it must be face to face, indeed, there are times this can even be dangerous, EVEN for men.

 

You've made your decision and it's plain to see all prior discussion have ended in hysterics. It's more than apparent to me that "telling her face to face" just isn't going to fly. You've done as much as any one man possibly could, you now have yourself to consider.

 

Write her a letter and let her know. The time to see her "face to face" will come later.... but for the time being, just get the ball in motion.

[stratman]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'll try to answer some of the things that were brought up as best I can.

 

 

Have we dated since our separation? Yes, once. We went to see War of the Worlds and got something to eat. We met at the movie theatre and took separate cars.

 

 

And while I enjoyed the movie, the rest of the evening wasn't remarkable. It's almost like I'm numb to her. Does that sound stupid? She's an attractive woman. She's an excellent mother. But over the course of the years, I've grown immune to her somehow. I don't really have any feelings for her that make me want to stay.

 

 

Counseling? I tried to get her to go a few years ago. And she wouldn't. So I sucked it up and hung on. NOW she says she wants to try counseling, but frankly, I'm just not interested. I feel like I did everything I could and NOW that I've left she's trying to salvage it and it's just too late.

 

There's no doubt that I'm a chicken. That it took everything I had to leave the house. She cried uncontrollably. Then she got angry and threw an ashtray. Then she started talking about how she f***ed the marriage up herself. I stayed with her an hour trying to explain things. I rubbed her back, told her that she didn't do anything that it was both of our faults. I really and truly tried. Then I went downstairs and told my son that I was leaving and I didn't know how long I would be gone.

 

However, once I got past all of that. Once I grabbed a few things and headed out with my Winn Dixe luggage (a plastic bag), I felt so MUCH better. Like a load had been lifted off of me. But, as I said, I am a chicken. Because I never said I WASN'T coming back, she has assumed that I AM coming back. She calls me every night. Tells me what else she has changed about herself. And I listen. And I tell her that I don't think people really ever change. At least not the core beliefs, personality, the things that make us who we are.

 

But of course she insists she has.

 

I agree with you - I should go ahead and tell her. But I never really thought about doing it through a letter. I just assumed that I MUST do it face to face, and that, ladies and gentleman, was something that I was dreading. And to be honest, I love her family like my own. I kinda hate what it's going to do with my relationship to them. But, and I truly, honestly, with all my heart, believe this: If you're not happy then life is just something you do before you die. And since we never know which breath is gonna be our last, it's almost our responsibility to be happy. To love and be loved.

 

Dont you think?

[Leah]

had to leave the house. She cried uncontrollably. Then she got angry and threw an ashtray. Then she started talking about how she f***ed the marriage up herself. I stayed with her an hour trying to explain things. I rubbed her back, told her that she didn't do anything that it was both of our faults. I really and truly tried. Then I went downstairs and told my son that I was leaving.... I just assumed I MUST do it face to face

 

 

Well, as you can see, you couldnt even tell her face to face that you were leaving that night because she was so hysterical, you had to tell your son to do it. If she couldnt take being told you were leaving for a night (or indefinately), then how do you think she'll react to being told you're divorcing?

 

Call an attorney's office and/or sherrif's patrol and I'll bet you they will advise you NOT to do this thing face to face )under your circumstances)!

 

Good luck.

[stratman]

Thanks Leah,

 

I have NO idea how she'll react. I've been gone a month now. Your way is probably the best way, although somehow it seems like I'm avoiding things. *sigh*

 

I'm looking for an apartment now. Once I find one there will definitely be no more avoiding the issue. Moving into another place is a sure sign that you're probably not going to be back for awhile. You know?

 

Anyway, thanks so much for the advice. You really seem to have a handle on this thing. And I have no doubt that your advice IS probably the best way to handle it.

 

Thanks,

[New_Wife]

Two things:

 

1. I suggest a public place. Not a romantic public place, because that would send a mixed message, but maybe meet her for coffee in a Starbucks. It's a lot harder to make a funky scene in a crowded room of strangers. I would be kind, quick and to the point. "I am filing for divorce. You are a wonderful mother, and a great woman, but I cannot be married to you. I understand this hurts, and I hope we can find a way to parent the kids apart." Give her no more than five minutes and GET OUT. Walk to your car, drive away.

 

2. Even though most divorces are hellacious, you CAN build a co-parent relationship with her over time. The first year is tough - you have to say "hello" and "how are you" through gritted teeth sometimes. But you both love these kids. If you hear negative things said about you, be as gracious as you can and do not return fire. 10 years later, my ex and I can talk very freely and friendly about our kids. It's best for them. When the kids are grown and gone, I'll probably never talk to him again - save for grandkids & weddings. But it can be done.

 

Good luck.

[Leah]

New_Wife, you must have never encountered violence in a relationship before, but believe me, it can happen to men just as well as women.

 

He doesnt need to meet her anywhere to discuss this situation. She's going to try to manipulate him whether they're at home or at starbucks. She's going to get hysterical no matter where they meet.

 

One of the women I work with was going through divorce with her husband, met him at cracker barrell, they got into an argument and she got up and threw a dish full of food on his head ! It may sound funny but the authorities were called and she was taken to jail.

 

He needs to keep his distance until he is certain that she has her emotions under control. If she's throwing ashtrays etc it sounds to me that she could really go off the deep end no matter where she is.

 

I think on top of getting advice on this matter from divorce attorney and the sherrif's patrol, he should also call domestic violence center and I'll bet you that they'll all three confirm this advice ... he should keep his distance.

[stratman]

hank you both for your replies (Leah and New_wife).

 

I agree that there's no telling what kind of reaction I'll get from her. We live in a small town so going to eat ANYWHERE is really a big deal - 30 minutes to the closest nice place. Or a Starbucks. Or anything.

 

So I'm leaning toward the mail, and waiting until she's gotten control of her emotions. Though it did cross my mind to use the telephone. What do y'all think about that?

[stratman]

Thank you both for your replies (Leah and New_wife).

 

I agree that there's no telling what kind of reaction I'll get from her. We live in a small town so going to eat ANYWHERE is really a big deal - 30 minutes to the closest nice place. Or a Starbucks. Or anything.

 

So I'm leaning toward the mail, and waiting until she's gotten control of her emotions. Though it did cross my mind to use the telephone. What do y'all think about that?

[Leah]

Mail is an excellent option and preferable to phone. You can get the message across to her ... uninterrupted !!

 

Then ... you can see about face to face with her, once she knows in no uncertain terms what you're going to do. Write the letter, then go, if you haven't already, to begin proceedings... then AFTERWARD face to face ...but with caution. Take a family member or friend.

 

Good luck.

[New_Wife]

Leah - that's a mighty big assumption you made, based on one post. You are, in fact, terribly incorrect.

 

I offered a suggestion that I felt, based on what I read, might be another option.

 

You don't corner the market on knowledge of abuse. I wish you did - life for woman across the world would be a lot easier (and some men & definitely children) if you alone knew what abuse was - but sadly, that's not so.

[RecordProducer]

You asked if you can do it on the telephone. I think you can. She calls you anyway so you might tell her in the middle of whatever talk "XY, I am not coming back so please make this easier for you and me and our son."

She will be surprised in any case, but at least you'll be spared the tragic volcanos of emotions. Just don't leave a message on the answering machine.

Don't expect it to be easy, every divorce is very hard for both parties. for her it will be even harder than for you. I feel most sorry for your son. He must be devastated that his father left so try to spend a lot of time with him, more than before to show him that nothing will change in the relationship between you and him.

[Leah]

You don't corner the market on knowledge of abuse

 

Neither do you ....

 

but if you did, you'd be a heck of alot more knowledgeable than you are. He is free to call the proper authorities (not you) to confirm how he should proceed when dealing with an abuser.

 

Strattman, you're free to message me if you'd ever like to talk more. I'm going to unsubscribe from this thread because it's becoming a bit non-productive.

 

Good luck.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by Leah

...but if you did, you'd be a heck of alot more knowledgeable than you are. He is free to call the proper authorities (not you) to confirm how he should proceed when dealing with an abuser.

 

How kind of you to evaluate my knowledge base. And here I thought this thread was about something else. I guess that goes to show my inferior comprehension abilities then.

 

Please show me where I instructed the poster to call me - I must've missed that, what with my intellectual anorexia, and all.

 

Originally posted by Leah

I'm going to unsubscribe from this thread because it's becoming a bit non-productive.

 

And how exactly did THAT situation come to be? Did I start out insulting YOU? Indeed, I did not.

 

What I did do, was offer the poster another alternative.

 

If only your alternatives are allowed, perhaps we should rename the Love Shack to the Leah Shack. It would be a whole lot easier for us idiots to understand the ground rules that way.

[Michelle_2005]

New_Wife said

I guess that goes to show my inferior comprehension abilities then.

 

New_Wife said

perhaps we should rename the Love Shack to the Leah Shack. It would be a whole lot easier for us idiots to understand

 

 

Yes I agree with those statements. Have a good evening !!

[stratman]

I really do appreciate everyone's advice very much. What seems to be agreed upon by everyone is that it is NOT a good idea for me to go the house and tell her face to face. And I think I would have to agree.

 

Also, my son is 15, and he's been around us long enough to understand WHY I'm not there. I don't think it's bothering him a great deal. I know it does some, no doubt about that, but I believe he's old enough to understand that my decision had absolutely nothing to do with him. He's been withness to too many instances of us not getting along.

 

I will post back as soon as something changes. Translation: As soon as I get balls....

 

Dave

[New_Wife]

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. It seems like you've really given it a lot of thought, and tried your best to make the situation work.

[Leah]

Yes good luck Stratman.

 

It's been awhile since I've visited your post. Your last post sounds like you're getting it all sorted out in your mind... forming your strategy. I'll be anxious to hear how it all works out.

 

Good luck.

[stratman]

Hi Leah,

 

I did try to message you, but it wouldn't let me. I don't know if it's on your end or my end.

 

 

Everyone,

There's not a lot to update just yet. I have been on Paxil for a number of years and my Dr is taking me off of it now. So it probably wouldn't be in my best interest to begin the divorce proceedings just yet. I might either lose it, or get too emotional. So I'm waiting until all my facuties are in order.