Long distance relationship. Is a break no reason for worry?

[questioningevery]

I think there are misunderstandings.

 

General information:

I met my bf in his country while studying abroad. Dated 6 months his country, 2 months LD from our own countries. We wanted marriage in future & were very close. He wants a break/alone time? & although he said we can still communicate, more so as friends. I am to go back in 4 months, indefinitely.

 

More background information:

 

He was in the military, required by his country, but during this time we began dating. During his service we were able to meet and did very often. After being released of duty for achieving his required 2 years, he was going to go back to university. He is now back at university and I think he is struggling with finding a balance of working and university along with everything that is apart of that(clubs,events,friends). I can understand his struggle as he feels he needs time to be himself, because the relationship is causing him to feel guilty that he cannot communicate enough with me. We were very dependent on each other when I was there. We were like each others back bone. We even lived together for a month prior to me leaving. So now that I am gone, I think he might be trying to find a way to cope without me there. We were barely communicating the last month and I think I asked and presented myself in the wrong way, when wanting to at least fix a time to communicate. During this time of barely texting, he didn't tell me about his concerns or stress, but waited until now to tell me everything; when I know things would have been better if he would have just talked to me, I think he wanted to try to solve this himself. I don’t mind not communicating too often, but I think he got the impression that he needs to talk to me all the time for me to feel satisfied. We both have our own lives, I understand that, but i am willing to work this out. Try to compromise and still focus on our own lives. It has been a few days since we had the phone call discussing the break, but it was more so of him saying that he needed this. I was not able to communicate with him and try to come to a compromise at that time, because he seemed to have been thinking about this for a while and had his mind set; many men are like that. He said not for me to think too seriously of this and that “all couples need breaks sometimes, right?”. So I just let him say his words and ended on the note of there being a break. He said that he is just wanting to spend time for himself right now and that he isn’t thinking about seeing anyone.. he did say that it is a possibility in the future. I don’t think he realizes that if he is okay with doing that himself, he should expect that i could be seeing other people as well. Although i told him I will be coming back in 4 months time and that I can visit in between then, he at one time felt uncertain that I will never come back and felt that I won’t be coming back soon, if at all. I don't know if i need to reiterate the fact that I AM coming back indefinitely in February. I think that there are some misunderstandings and I have yet to contact him since this discussion, because I don’t want to push him and I am worried that if I don’t give him enough time, then maybe he won’t come to his senses about things. He does like me, he has even said that this is not about whether he likes me or not. I know I cannot make him see my value and the value of our relationship, he has to come to his own conclusion. I am afraid that he is too swept up in his own confusion that he is making me something I am not. I am not needy nor do I need the constant attention he thinks I need. He said he would be willing to see each other again once I come back, but i find this unreasonable and how can I trust that he will be there when I do? I cannot imagine my life without him. We connect on so many levels and I have a deep understanding of him. We talked about marriage and a future together very early on and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We feel like soulmates. We are young, but I don’t think this is a great factor, as even we said it was not. I don’t see distance as to be a problem, because the relationship should be a compromise for both people and try to work things out if they still want to be together and want a future. I am okay with pulling more weight for now and accepting his wants and needs a little bit more, because I am strong enough to handle that. But I am not sure if I am putting myself in a harmful position, because I know my self worth and what I can add to his life, but I am not sure he does.

 

We have never once argued or gotten into a fight. We despise fighting and yelling and anything of that sort. If we had any disagreements or misunderstanding we would always end up talking calmly about it and coming to an understanding.

 

After this conversation we had, a few hours later he edited our relationship status on Facebook. As the time we began dating was wrong. It had said we began dating in April, when we truly began dating in March. So he changed it to say March. This action greatly confused me.

 

At this point I am not sure what to do. Do I give him more time? When he could come to a conclusion that may be rooted in a misunderstanding? Do i contact him to discuss and make sure that we have no misunderstandings? How can I do this in a way that doesn't make me look needy, but look like a reliable partner who is willing to work things out if he does want to? Do I wait for him to come to me? How long do I wait.

 

He said that I can call him anytime, but does that mean he is expecting me to do so? and that would put myself in a bad position to contact him?

 

He had also told me in the past that he was feeling lonely and I said that if he felt lonely then he can call me..

 

I’m just so confused over what to do.

Edited October 30, 2016 by questioningevery
might cause misunderstanding to reader

[LittleTiger]

Welcome to LS. Sorry to be harsh but I don't see much to question here. He's been released from the military and now he's at university. They are two very different worlds with very different 'rules'. He wants his freedom to enjoy all that university life has to offer.

 

I could be wrong but, in my opinion, calling it 'a break' is to keep you on the back burner - just in case he doesn't meet anyone better. I think you'd be wise to cut your ties and move on.

[smackie9]

Asking for a break is a cowards way of breaking up.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Break/space/time apart usually means a break up. I started dating a guy, then it went long distance, we hadn't dated for long and he was already asking for space to "figure things out". After that I didn't hear from him until I contacted him, then silence again for 3 months. When you are in a long distance you already have all the space in the world, so it doesn't make any sense to take a break. As another poster said a break is a very cowardly way of breaking up. On top of that he wants you to chase him and prob wants you to get tired of contacting him w/out him initiating and eventually you will drift apart. I would tell him you either w/me or not, don't let him hold you on a leash.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is dead wrong that "all couples need breaks sometimes." You're already long-distance, so what exactly is he taking a break from?

 

I think he got a taste of freedom after finishing his military service and doesn't want to commit to one girl right now.

 

From where I sit, I don't think there's been a misunderstanding. He seems to know he doesn't want to be in a relationship and that is the reason he's been fading out. You are right that he could have talked to you about these issues beforehand, but the fact that he chose not to try to fix it is significant.

 

I know you two spoke about the future, but his actions are no longer supporting those words. It's rather common to get caught up in the honeymoon phase and fantasize about the future, but it shouldn't be taken too seriously at that stage. You two weren't really together long enough to determine if you were each other's ideal life partner. I know that hurts, but he isn't ready for it. He told you himself he may start seeing other people; a man who is really in love wouldn't risk losing their partners by making such a declaration.

 

Him telling you that you can call anytime isn't really an invitation to actually do so. That is what a lot of dumpers say to try to end things on good terms and not feel bad for breaking it off. He doesn't want to further hurt you by cutting you off altogether.

 

I would consider this over. That way, you can focus on healing without hanging on to hope for something that might never happen.

Edited October 31, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[questioningevery]

Maybe I am just reasoning with his beahavior here.. but when he said that he might see other people, he didn't mean now because he is 'too busy and just wants to be himself and figure himself out'.

 

During this conversation of the break, he quite often referred to our mutual friends who are an ldr couple as well. The guy is in the military for his 2 year service, while the girl is abroad studying(where they met). Our friends have an arrangement that allows them to see other people because the girl is too lonely without him. I was the one who actually consoled both of them on this.. saying that in the end if they want to be together, but she is too lonely without him and she needs to have the freedom to see other people, then both of them should agree to this for now. So they did. They still talk to eachother and she is planning to visit him in November.

 

In my instance, I am far too busy to be meeting other people all the time(although I also don't think that it isn't a possibility), this means he would be like the girl and I would be like the guy.

 

Why would he edit our relationship status on facebook to make it more accurate now? It is still public. I ask myself this all the time. It does not make sense to me. Like he still wants a relationship and doesn't mind people knowing. In his country facebook is a hugeee thing. Thousands of friends and everyone sees each others profiles and talk on there all the time.

 

He is from a country where it is very rare and quite amazing, if when dating, the man introduces you to almost all of his friends and his mother. He talked about me to all of his family. He has even told his mother that he will indeed marry me. Although, like you said I can't hold him to this... but he put himself in a position that would make it hard for him to go back on his words. I don't think it was self sabotage and he knows that he was putting himself in a position on vulnerability. We had only agreed upon dating if we were indeed very serious about each other and wanted marriage. So our whole relatioship was based upon knowing eachother better to know if we were what we wanted.. and all the time it was. My god.. even as i was leaving the airport crying.. He told me don't worry. I'm going to marry you. Don't cry. Cause I'm going to marry you.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he is testing me and if I do something wrong during this "break" he will use this as more of a reason to end it.. so that is why I am afraid to do anything.

 

He's just not a manipulative person.. so it is really difficult for me to figure out what I should do..

 

I want to let go, I really really do. I just really feel like he is the one person for me. I want to give him space because I respect him. But I cannot keep my words in for long, as I do have a lot to say...

 

Yesterday after 4 days of not contacting, I sent him a message. I sent him a link to a video i made on my YouTube channel. The video is of this cute dance from his country, that he had always wanted to see me do while I was there. In the description of the video I wrote, in his native language, something along the lines of " I made this video for a special person. No matter the difficulties we go through, my trust and love in us is strong. I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you.".. maybe over the top.. but he will only notice this if he takes the time to read the description.

 

I am going to visit within the next 20 days.. if not next month. So i think maybe I can meet with him then. If not then, this will just be a trip for me to meet with college counselors, have fun, and meet more people.

Edited November 1, 2016 by questioningevery

[questioningevery]

Maybe I am just reasoning with his beahavior here.. but when he said that he might see other people, he didn't mean now because he is 'too busy and just wants to be himself and figure himself out'.

 

During this conversation of the break, he quite often referred to our mutual friends who are an ldr couple as well. The guy is in the military for his 2 year service, while the girl is abroad studying(where they met). Our friends have an arrangement that allows them to see other people because the girl is too lonely without him. I was the one who actually consoled both of them on this.. saying that in the end if they want to be together, but she is too lonely without him and she needs to have the freedom to see other people, then both of them should agree to this for now. So they did. They still talk to eachother and she is planning to visit him in November.

 

In my instance, I am far too busy to be meeting other people all the time(although I also don't think that it isn't a possibility), this means he would be like the girl and I would be like the guy.

 

Why would he edit our relationship status on facebook to make it more accurate now? It is still public. I ask myself this all the time. It does not make sense to me. Like he still wants a relationship and doesn't mind people knowing. In his country facebook is a hugeee thing. Thousands of friends and everyone sees each others profiles and talk on there all the time.

 

He is from a country where it is very rare and quite amazing, if when dating, the man introduces you to almost all of his friends and his mother. He talked about me to all of his family. He has even told his mother that he will indeed marry me. Although, like you said I can't hold him to this... but he put himself in a position that would make it hard for him to go back on his words. I don't think it was self sabotage and he knows that he was putting himself in a position on vulnerability. We had only agreed upon dating if we were indeed very serious about each other and wanted marriage. So our whole relatioship was based upon knowing eachother better to know if we were what we wanted.. and all the time it was. My god.. even as i was leaving the airport crying.. He told me don't worry. I'm going to marry you. Don't cry. Cause I'm going to marry you.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he is testing me and if I do something wrong during this "break" he will use this as more of a reason to end it.. so that is why I am afraid to do anything.

 

He's just not a manipulative person.. so it is really difficult for me to figure out what I should do..

 

I want to let go, I really really do. I just really feel like he is the one person for me. I want to give him space because I respect him. But I cannot keep my words in for long, as I do have a lot to say...

 

Yesterday after 4 days of not contacting, I sent him a message. I sent him a link to a video i made on my YouTube channel. The video is of this cute dance from his country, that he had always wanted to see me do while I was there. In the description of the video I wrote, in his native language, something along the lines of " I made this video for a special person. No matter the difficulties we go through, my trust and love in us is strong. I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you.".. maybe over the top.. but he will only notice this if he takes the time to read the description.

 

I am going to visit within the next 20 days.. if not next month. So i think maybe I can meet with him then. If not then, this will just be a trip for me to meet with college counselors, have fun, and meet more people.

 

 

Also I do have a message I would like to send to him right away, not sure when the right time to send it is and if a letter is suitable or if a text is more reasonable. I would find it extremely helpful if anyone would be willing to read it and tell me their thoughts.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied, your perspectives are a big help to me.

[JewelD]

He is lying to you because you cannot handle him saying "Im going to date other women now". You're not even processing the fact that his feelings for you have changed.

 

It doesn't matter what you thought or what he said in the past. Listen to what he is telling you now. And you should stop sending him messages. You can't persuade or annoy someone into dating you.

[ExpatInItaly]

The sad truth is that if he was serious about you, he wouldn't let you go. He wouldn't want to take a break to begin with.

 

You are putting a lot of weight into his words, but not his actions. He was pulling back before he pulled the plug. His assertion that he will marry you is pretty moot now, considering he doesn't even want to be your boyfriend at this time. I know it's hard to accept, but you will be doing yourself a favour by paying close attention to his behaviour, and not promises he made in the past.

 

Your mutual friends might have some open arrangement that works for them, but I would strongly advise you against trying this. Are you really going to be okay with him dating and sleeping with other girls, then coming to you when it suits him? I rather doubt it. Your relationship won't somehow get stronger or closer this way. When both parties aren't fully interested in having an open relationship, it usually ends in disaster.

 

I would stop messaging him. It's not going to have the effect you want. Instead, it will hurt more when he doesn't respond in the way you wished. He knows how you feel about him, but evidently it's not mutual any longer. It is imperative that you preserve your self-worth and emotional sanity by not sending him loving messages.