[wife not in love anymore]

[Marc878]

When they say they are scared of you beware. Get a VAR now!!!

 

She gets a Restraining Order filed on you it'll be hell

[Missedup]

That passed quick she has just told me everthing she could think of

[Missedup]

I seen a post some where with a list of the fog or way ward wife what they will say and she has told me all of them she cant give me a answer evertime its something diff last fri when we talked and i asked if we could start dating or hanging out ( i know i should have not but i did) she said she could not right now wtf is that

[Marc878]

Take yourself out of the equation. If you do the "pick me dance" or try to nice her back it makes you look weak and needy. Unattractive!!!!

 

Get involved with your kids, visit friends, hit the gym, etc.

 

Read the 180

[Missedup]

Thats what im doing as of sunday her text are starting to get more and more i have not made it where im at her ever need it hurts alot

[Marc878]

Never answer her phone calls directly, let it go to voicemail then you can determine if you need to answer. Only text or return text about the kids.

 

You will find @ 95% do not require a response. Silence is golden. If you can't stop talking to her she'll continue to eat cake.

 

If she had other man you go dark. She can't have you both.

[Missedup]

Thats what im tring to do

[pteromom]

Since you are saying you don't want to move on, and want to get this to work, here's what I would do if I were you.

 

Focus your energy on yourself and being the person she met and fell for back t the beginning. Take care of your mind and body. Feed yourself with hobbies you love. Go out with friends (if they are hot female friends, all the better.) Laugh with your kids.

 

The thing is right now, you feel like YOU are losing something. You have to turn that around so she feels like SHE is the one losing something. If you can do that, she will start wanting you again and you might be able to have a shot.

 

All the stuff about outing her affair and telling her family...all that will do is create more distance and make her hate you. If you want her back, it's not the route to take. Just my opinion.

[Missedup]

Thanks that what i need to hear

[Missedup]

And i hate to say but i am who i am i all ways been true to my self. Im a good man i know she loves me it just happen over night i will say i got drunk that night and hit a wall just so much stess and i seen what was happening in front of me i dont rem a lot from that night i know i never put hands on her but i seen they was getting colse and i turned into a ahole over it the way she has turned or lives around saying she has not been happy for a long time anf she never said anything to anybody !! Saying that i almost died 2 summer ago i got ran over by a boat and trailer on dry load land only in er for a few hours before i walked out trailer ran over my head and cut me my neck almost bleed out well my point is for a week i was on sofa she sleep on thw floor next to me me to make sure i was ok i have gave her everything she could want in my means and for her to just turn it off and not even try i breaks everything that i am

[dreamingoftigers]

Yall can say what yall want to and i might ne a fool for waiting but its not over till its over yes i have protected everthing money cars not the house its not mine its her moms im not going to turn and run when there is a mistake made i love my wife with all my heart and soul after 13 year what do i have to waste but a little time i know her like the back of my hand and she is acting like her self and i can see that if she does not come back then i can walk away with my head high and say i have done everything that i could she made this bed and she has to sleep in it

 

Her Dad dying is almost a textbook setup for an affair.

 

I AM NOT defending her. It's just a pretty common pattern.

 

I DESPISE infidelity but I hekd on desperately for a long time and can see your mindset. You aren't going to let her go even if every single person in the world lined up with money to bribe you to let go.

 

I get it.

 

Contact Divorce Busters. They will guide you through the 180 and the supports are excellent and really great for helping you rebuild your self-esteem.

 

I dint work for them or anything. I used their resources years ago and they were bang-on right on the money. Worth every cent by the way.

 

The Divorce Remedy is a book the head of Divorce Busters wrote.

[dreamingoftigers]

And i hate to say but i am who i am i all ways been true to my self. Im a good man i know she loves me it just happen over night i will say i got drunk that night and hit a wall just so much stess and i seen what was happening in front of me i dont rem a lot from that night i know i never put hands on her but i seen they was getting colse and i turned into a ahole over it the way she has turned or lives around saying she has not been happy for a long time anf she never said anything to anybody !! Saying that i almost died 2 summer ago i got ran over by a boat and trailer on dry load land only in er for a few hours before i walked out trailer ran over my head and cut me my neck almost bleed out well my point is for a week i was on sofa she sleep on thw floor next to me me to make sure i was ok i have gave her everything she could want in my means and for her to just turn it off and not even try i breaks everything that i am

 

I understand, your history together is really valuable and you want to know you did everything you could to save your marriage.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Missed up, I've read through your entire thread and I am wondering what it is that you are looking for here on this forum? What kind of answer do you want the good people here to give you? You have rejected most of the advice that people on here have offered but you are giving no indication as to what kind of answer would satisfy you. The fact is that a number of people here who are advising you ate survivors of the disease of infidelity. They are either divorced or have reconciled with their wayward spouses so they know what it is like to be in your shoes. When they give you advice it is from lessons learnt in the hard school of infidelity.

 

Also, from all that you have written, it is obvious that you yourself are aware of most of the things that need to be done. You are also aware of exactly what your wife is doing. However, where you are going off the tracks is in not holding your wife fully accountable for her actions and in trying to blame the OM or a 'Fog' for her actions. You need to see clearly that your wife has made a conscious decision to have an affair with her OM. Once you accept that then you can start to take actions which will either get your wlife back or set you free from her forever. You have to start with the 180 and next file for divorce and have her served. If she realizes what she is about to lose when she is served she will come back to you rremorseful. If she is done with you she will let the divorce proceed to completion. Either way you will know soon enough and you can move forward. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.

[oldshirt]

We all understand that people want to do everything that they can so that in the end they can sleep at night and be able to hold their head up and say that they made an honest effort. We get that.

 

The problem is if you didn't do anything to cause it, then there really isn't anything you can do to fix it.

 

If you were abusive, drunk/addicted, chronically unemployed/underemployed, cheating yourself or had abandoned the family, then you may be able to get treatment and become an effective partner and cause her to reconsider.

 

But assuming you were an adequate and effective spouse to begin with, this is all on her and is her choice.

 

In essence by doing the "Pick Me! Dance" you are taking resonsibility for your wife screwing another guy and leaving the marriage and are trying to win her back by rubbing her feet more and being a better housekeeper.

 

All that does is reward her bad behavior and make you look weak and pathetic which causes her to lose more respect and consequently lose even more attraction and desire for you. That in turn makes the OM look even more attractive and strong and reinforces her belief that the OM is the stronger candidate.

 

You are blaming yourself, the OM and this mythical "fog" for her behavior when the truth is that it is her choice, her behavior and her character that are driving this.

 

You are waiting for "the storm to pass" and for the "fog to clear" so that things will go back to the way they were.

 

But this is the new reality. This is the new normal. This is the way it is.

 

Your wife is now a cheater, is involved with another man and is making strides to dissolve the marriage and start a new life without you.

 

You are free to hope and pray for whatever you want on your own time. But you will be irresponsible and reckless if you neglect to get a lawyer and start protecting your assets and your access to your children.

 

Hope and pray all you want, but be preparing for divorce and be preparing for her to be coming after your assets and children. Be preparing for your new life without her.

 

If you don't, she will be getting rubdowns from the OM on the beach in the

Bahamas while your kids play in the surf with your money while you sit in your one-room apartment continuing to do the Pick Me! Dance.

[LancasterAmos1966]

And i know the road ahead will be all up hill but im willing to do any thimg to save my family

 

 

 

Many people only give love when they are shown love back.

 

I've been estranged from my wife for many years now. I had 20+ years of a great marriage. But she got tired and wanted to do something different.

 

True love does not chain someone to a post and demand that they stay with them, love them, care for them, etc.

 

Respect your wife as a fellow human with the right to stay or to leave. (And you have the same rights --- you can choose to stay, leave, file divorce, hate her or love her, etc.)

 

What if you wanted to leave --- how would you want your wife to react?

 

When my wife chose to leave, I shook her hand and said Thank You for sharing her life with me --- and then I cried my eyes out for a long, long time. And to this day, I still support her with health insurance, and some monthly income. I have no court-order to help her, but I do it because I'm thankful for the years my wife shared with me. I don't have a custody agreement for my 6 kids, but they all live with me, and are taken care of. There are times when I think of how she abandoned me and my kids, but oh well, I'm still very happy for the years I was able to share with her.

 

Your wife shared 13 years with you. I hope you can say Thank You to her for doing that. And I hope that you will help her transition into whatever new life that she is looking for. Help her, don't hate her.

 

Set her free but still love her from a distance.

 

Your kids will learn a very valuable lesson --- they will understand that love goes deeper than "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours."

 

They will learn that true love continues even when no love is given back.

[oldshirt]

Many people only give love when they are shown love back.

 

I've been estranged from my wife for many years now. I had 20+ years of a great marriage. But she got tired and wanted to do something different.

 

True love does not chain someone to a post and demand that they stay with them, love them, care for them, etc.

 

Respect your wife as a fellow human with the right to stay or to leave. (And you have the same rights --- you can choose to stay, leave, file divorce, hate her or love her, etc.)

 

What if you wanted to leave --- how would you want your wife to react?

 

When my wife chose to leave, I shook her hand and said Thank You for sharing her life with me --- and then I cried my eyes out for a long, long time. And to this day, I still support her with health insurance, and some monthly income. I have no court-order to help her, but I do it because I'm thankful for the years my wife shared with me. I don't have a custody agreement for my 6 kids, but they all live with me, and are taken care of. There are times when I think of how she abandoned me and my kids, but oh well, I'm still very happy for the years I was able to share with her.

 

Your wife shared 13 years with you. I hope you can say Thank You to her for doing that. And I hope that you will help her transition into whatever new life that she is looking for. Help her, don't hate her.

 

Set her free but still love her from a distance.

 

Your kids will learn a very valuable lesson --- they will understand that love goes deeper than "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours."

 

They will learn that true love continues even when no love is given back.

 

 

While I agree that everyone has a basic human right to enter or exit a marriage as they see fit and people have a right to have sex with legal, consenting adults, I disagree very strongly that anyone should willingly provide any financial support, assistance or comfort in them doing so.

 

The only support and assistance that someone should be provided in leaving you is for which they are legally entitled to as provided by court order.

 

Anything less is being in violation of the law.

 

Anything more is being a doormat and enabler.

 

If a legal adult wants to exit a marriage, that is their legal right as a human and a citizen and that process really cannot and should not be stopped.

 

However the remaining spouse should not assist, finance or support it in any way other than that court ordered by law.

 

If someone wants to exit a marriage, that is their choice and their legal right. However they should in no way, shape or form expect the abandoned spouse to support them in any manner other than provided by law.

 

Providing insurance and financial resources is what a husband provides for a wife.

 

If a woman wants to terminate the marriage, that is her perogative. But when she does that, she tears up her wife-card and forfeits her right to his support except for that provided by law.

 

Why are you funding her abandonment of you???

 

While your generosity and acceptance may seem admirable on the surface, it is foolish, irresponsible and weak.

 

You are teaching your sons to be exploited and used by women who mistreat and abandon them. And you are teaching your daughters that they are entitled to man's assets after abandoning them

[oldshirt]

.....in other words, if my wife decides to leave me, I will accept her decision and will not try to stop her. But I will not do one iota to assist, finance, support or comfort her in doing so.

 

I will only provide that which is ordered by the court that she would be legally entitled to.

 

But I would not give her one cent more. I would supervise her packing and loading her stuff so that she didn't take anything of mine but I would not help pack one box nor take one box to the truck. If it were 100 degrees I would not offer her one glass of water from my tap or one drink from the fridge. If she would to drop one sock I would not bend over to pick it up.

 

If she were to fall down the stairs carrying something out and break her leg, I would call 911 as I would for any other incapacitated person. But if she were to only skin her knee I would not provide her a BandAid from my cabinet.

 

Leaving someone is a right. But they have no right to expect support, finance or assistance in doing so.

[LancasterAmos1966]

.....in other words, if my wife decides to leave me, I will accept her decision and will not try to stop her. But I will not do one iota to assist, finance, support or comfort her in doing so.

 

I will only provide that which is ordered by the court that she would be legally entitled to.

 

 

I made a promise when I got married.

 

Part of it went something like this: I will love you, cherish you, care for you, never bring any intentional harm to you --- in sickness and health, riches or poverty, for better or for worse, until death do us part. So help me God.

 

My wife did not need a lawyer before we got married, and she sure doesn't need one now.

 

Why? Because I'll honor my word even when it's not convenient.

 

Oldshirt, I understand and accept your rights and choices to act in a certain way that is best for you.

 

My wife was top-notch for 20 years. There's no way that I could turn my back on her. If she would have refused my offer to help her transition, then I would have backed off. But she was happy that I offered to provide health insurance, dental insurance, a monthly check sufficient to pay her rent and buy food, etc.

 

I was not suggesting to the OP Missedup to become a doormat. I was just responding to his comment that he was willing to do "anything" to save his marriage. Well, if that is true, then in my opinion it's really best to let go in love.

 

If he has any chance of saving his marriage, it won't be because he stalks her or threatens her. It will be by his loving actions. Maybe she will return, or maybe not. But no matter the outcome, he will learn to be thankful for the years she did share with him rather than being angry over the years he did not get to share with her.

[oldshirt]

My wife was top-notch for 20 years. There's no way that I could turn my back on her. If she would have refused my offer to help her transition, then I would have backed off. But she was happy that I offered to provide health insurance, dental insurance, a monthly check sufficient to pay her rent and buy food, etc.

.

 

Well yeah, I'm sure she is thrilled to get insurance and play money without having to lift a finger for it. who wouldn't be.

 

I'm sure she is having a grand ol' time laughing all the way to the bank and having a good laugh with her friends at her gravy train writing her checks and paying her bills while getting nothing in return.

 

I can't even accuse her of chumping you. You are chumping yourself.

[oldshirt]

I made a promise when I got married.

 

Part of it went something like this: I will love you, cherish you, care for you, never bring any intentional harm to you --- in sickness and health, riches or poverty, for better or for worse, until death do us part. So help me God.

 

 

Why? Because I'll honor my word even when it's not convenient.

 

But didn't she make the same commitment to you??? she didn't have any problem walking away from that now did she?

 

Marriage is a contract. When one person breaks the terms of the contract and terminates the marriage, that contract becomes null and void for the other person as well.

 

This is not only not convenient, it's not even sane or reasonable.

[oldshirt]

 

 

If he has any chance of saving his marriage, it won't be because he stalks her or threatens her. It will be by his loving actions. Maybe she will return, or maybe not. But no matter the outcome, he will learn to be thankful for the years she did share with him rather than being angry over the years he did not get to share with her.

 

I agree that stalking and threatening etc are not effective nor even acceptable or legal behaviors.

 

However I think we differ on what we consider "loving actions."

 

Until proven otherwise, lets assume that he had 'loving actions' during the marriage. That did not stop her from screwing another man and leaving the marital home.

 

What form of "loving actions" will cause her to cease the affair and return to the marriage now?

 

You see the problem here is that what you seem to be considering "loving actions" are actually supporting and condoning and financing the WS's play time with the OM, rewarding bad behavior and providing financial support even though no marital contract remains in place.

 

That is simply dumb.

 

A husband provides insurance, protection and financial support for his wife. If she voluntarily leaves the marriage, then why should he continue to provide her the support a husband provides a wife once she has declared she no longer wants to be a wife nor for him to be her husband?

 

Yes yes yes, I get that if there was a long term marriage and minor children and if there was a disparity in incomes that legally she would be entitled to some child support and spousal support for a specified period of time. I get that.

 

But what you are suggesting is actually supporting and rewarding abandonment. And in the case of her being involved with another man, it is providing her with play money and financial support so she can be single and hook up with other dude(s) on your dime. In other words you are funding her sexy time with other guys. How weak and beta can one person actually be?

 

Honestly the quickest way to break an affair and bring the whole affair crashing down around itself is to divorce and cut off the WS as quickly and efficiently as possible.

 

Very very few affairs survive a divorce.

 

Once the WS is cut off financially and emotionally, they quickly find out that the AP is not all that after all.

 

And most APs (especially OM) are only in it for the quick and easy poontang. Very few OM actually want to date or marry the beotch. They just want some NSA hook ups. They don't actually want to date her and meet her family and have her bratty kids around or to rub her feet at the end of the day or change her oil or unclog her toilet. They just want to bang her a few times and then go on about their business.

 

The quickest way to get 90 % of OM to exit stage-left is to pack her and her stuff and the kids up and drop them all off on his doorstep and say, "here you go."

 

When you fund her little getaway, you circumvent a lot of that make it easy, convenient and comfortable for her.

 

You are chumping yourself twice.

 

I get your point that hate and anger won't bring anyone back and won't help anything. I can't say that you are wrong on that one. But you don't fund and provide support for her fun time outside the marriage.

 

If someone wants to leave a marriage and take up with someone else, that is their right and their prerogative. But make them do it on their own dime and on their own time. There is no reason someone should fund and support someone abandoning the marriage. That's just crazy talk.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lancaster, can you clarify as to what your status is with your wife(ex)? Are you still legally married to her but separated from her or are you actually divorced? Why exactly did she leave you? Did she or is she having an affair/ has remarried or living in with some other guy? How long have you two been separated and what is the state of your communication with her? Did she discover lesbian tendencies within her because of which she wanted to separate from you? I ask this because I have seen something like this happening where a long term marriage broke up because the wife suddenly developed feelings for another female. In fact she was a latent lesbian.

 

However, despite what you may have to offer I agree with Oldshirt that once a spouse breaks the covenant agreed upon at the the of marriage unilaterally, then he/she is not entitled to any further financial, material or emotional support from the aggrieved spouse. As Oldshirt has said such support would become enabling and not drive home the bitter lesson that what that spouse has done is greivious in nature and causes immense damage to the aggrieved spouse. If your wife was an exceptional spouse for twenty years then it is safe to assume that you, too, were at least a good spouse during that period. If that be true then in what way has she rewarded you for being a good husband all those years? By abandoning you? All the good that sheay have done in those twenty Yeats was wiped out in that single moment when she abandoned you. Yes, you may retain fond memories of your Yeats together but you owe her nothing else except as Oldshirt said was what the court ordered. Of course the decision to support her after she abandoned you is yours to decide on but one can only say that it is the exception to the rule and not the rule itself. You can talk about it but I would think you cannot rightly recommend it to anyone else. You walk in your own shoes not anyone else. What I have said is not to put you down. I completely accept your decision to support your wife in every way inspire of her having abandoned you. However, that is only your reality and not any one else's. As far as the OP is concerned, his wife is cheating on him and he needs to take action to protect himself in every way.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Well yeah, I'm sure she is thrilled to get insurance and play money without having to lift a finger for it. who wouldn't be.

 

I'm sure she is having a grand ol' time laughing all the way to the bank and having a good laugh with her friends at her gravy train writing her checks and paying her bills while getting nothing in return.

 

I can't even accuse her of chumping you. You are chumping yourself.

 

I'd rather be accused of loving too much vs not loving enough.

 

My guess is that she is not having fun. Walking away from a faithful, loyal husband for 20 years and 6 kids surely has caused some second guessing on her part. But I am not going to laugh at her when something goes wrong, I'm not going to hope she falls on her face just because she walked out on me.

 

If she really wanted to hurt me, she could have made up lies, she could have harmed me when I was snoring.....but no, she did the honorable thing and moved out. (I even helped her move and I am still holding items that she has no room for in her apartment.)

 

It's not my job to hurt her nor is it my job to help her. But I choose often to voluntarily help fellow human travelers....including my estranged wife.

 

I'm not helping her to get her back. I have no hidden agenda. I promised to help her for 10 years to transition. I have 3 years remaining. If she can't make it after 10 years, that will be her problem to deal with.

 

There's enough hatred in the world. I choose to show love from a distance even when I get zero in return.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Hi Lancaster, can you clarify as to what your status is with your wife(ex)? Are you still legally married to her but separated from her or are you actually divorced? Why exactly did she leave you? Did she or is she having an affair/ has remarried or living in with some other guy? How long have you two been separated and what is the state of your communication with her? Did she discover lesbian tendencies within her because of which she wanted to separate from you? I ask this because I have seen something like this happening where a long term marriage broke up because the wife suddenly developed feelings for another female. In fact she was a latent lesbian.

 

However, despite what you may have to offer I agree with Oldshirt that once a spouse breaks the covenant agreed upon at the the of marriage unilaterally, then he/she is not entitled to any further financial, material or emotional support from the aggrieved spouse. As Oldshirt has said such support would become enabling and not drive home the bitter lesson that what that spouse has done is greivious in nature and causes immense damage to the aggrieved spouse. If your wife was an exceptional spouse for twenty years then it is safe to assume that you, too, were at least a good spouse during that period. If that be true then in what way has she rewarded you for being a good husband all those years? By abandoning you? All the good that sheay have done in those twenty Yeats was wiped out in that single moment when she abandoned you. Yes, you may retain fond memories of your Yeats together but you owe her nothing else except as Oldshirt said was what the court ordered. Of course the decision to support her after she abandoned you is yours to decide on but one can only say that it is the exception to the rule and not the rule itself. You can talk about it but I would think you cannot rightly recommend it to anyone else. You walk in your own shoes not anyone else. What I have said is not to put you down. I completely accept your decision to support your wife in every way inspire of her having abandoned you. However, that is only your reality and not any one else's. As far as the OP is concerned, his wife is cheating on him and he needs to take action to protect himself in every way.

 

I am estranged for 7 years. No lawyers involved, no court involved.

 

She simply grew tired of being a wife and mother.

 

Her actions show that she now wants to be a girlfriend and more like an Aunt.

 

Since I won't file divorce, and she hasn't filed, we are still legally married. Legally, I owe her nothing. But I have voluntarily offered to help her....and I have no regrets over marrying her or helping her transition away from me.

 

I do regret crying and missing her for at least the first 2 years....but I'm human and my emotions were hurt.

 

Our society has many stories of hated and hurting others. I have chosen to show love and a helpful attitude.

 

I have boundaries.....she is not allowed in my house, I will only communicate via email, etc.

 

My Vow was separate from her Vow. Just because she broke her promise does not give me the license to break mine. But since she has moved out, I'm no longer obligated to help her. That is why I'm ok with a 10 year period of help.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lancaster, Thankyou for your response. However you have not clarified as to whether your wife had/ is having an affair with another man. Also, if not with another man then with another woman( lesbian relationship). I ask because any infidelity would render any help that you are giving her liable to enable her in her breach of trust with you. For the rest of it, I fully respect your decision to help your estranged wife( and since the bonds ofarriage have not been legally snapped I guess what you are doing has a logic of it's own) financially and with insurance. Is your wife employed or is she running a business which provides her some income? You said that you had agreed to help her for ten years so I am assuming she will be able to fully support herself after that.

 

As I said that while your decision to help your wife is a valid one for you the same cannot be said to hold true for the OP here because of the fact that his wife is cheating on him. However that is my opinion and it is up to the OP to decide if he would like to take your advice.

 

On another note how have your children adjusted to their mother's decision? What is her relationship with them if any? Warm wishes.

 

 

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