Am I her rebound? And why won't she acknowledge me as her boyfriend on Facebook?

[maxalton]

I added a 29 year old woman on facebook through a dating website a few months ago. Im 32. I add women on facebook from dating websites here and there. Briefly after adding her on facebook (we really didnt have much communication at that point yet,) I see on facebook that she's dating this guy. Every night she was tagging him in statuses on facebook about dates they were on. She would basically gush over him on facebook. I could tell just by looking at his picture that he was one of those "prettyboy bad boys", all tatted up and everything. It was obvious from her facebook posts that she was attracted to him. A few weeks later, she made a facebook status about how she can't believe what happened and asking where are all the good guys at. I assumed he betrayed her and they broke it off.

 

I thought she was attractive, so I sent her a message. We talked back and forth and then about a week later we met up on a date. I was Liking alot of her posts on facebook. When we went on our first date, we opened up about ourselves and she told me how she wants stability for herself and her daughter and how she wants to eventually get married, and how she kind of gets a little jealous when she sees her friends on facebook posting pictures of their happy lives. Her last "official" relationship was a year ago and it only lasted a month because that ex betrayed her too. She said she's always attracted the wrong guys in the past. Which I later found out was true, because she showed me pictures of a couple of her ex-boyfriends and talked about how they betrayed her. I could just tell by looking at their pictures that they were the rebellious-looking "bad boys." So I had a feeling thats what shes attracted to. Im quite the opposite. Im not "clean cut", per se, and I'm not rebellious. Im more of an upstanding gentleman. I guess you can say I'm slightly more of a beta-male than an alpha-male. Which seemingly looks like something she's never had in the past (and maybe even, never cared to have.) She said how she always attracted punks who ended up bringing her trouble, which is funny because I've had a tendency myself to attract crazy psycho women. I broke up with my last crazy/psycho girlfriend several months ago. This woman comes from a broken home and has her fair share of issues, but I cant help being attracted to her.

 

Well, 2-3 weeks after we met on our first date, we ended up being in a relationship together. It just happened in the blink of an eye for both of us. Im a little bothered and insecure over the fact that she doesn't acknowledge me on Facebook a whole lot as her boyfriend. And no, she's not one of those "private" people who doesn't like putting her info on Facebook. She's on facebook several times a day... I made a relationship status thing, putting her as my girlfriend, and she accepted it. But her relationship settings on Facebook are set to private. Which means nobody can see that she's in a relationship. It's just blank. There's no relationship status visible on her wall. It's been about a month now and she hasnt unprivated it. Her relationship settings were private before I met her, but Im wondering why she hasnt made it public to allow all of her friends to see she's in a relationship. She got a new job a few weeks ago and she recently changed her workplace on facebook, but still never made our relationship status visible. I dont really want to bring this up to her because I dont want to sound clingy. I thought she wouldve been THRILLED to be in a relationship with me, afterall I was so different, according to her. I know if she was in a relationship with Brad Pitt, she would make damn-sure it was public. Right? She recently changed her cover photo to a picture of her daughter and my son, which I thought was nice, but still nothing about US. She tags me in some statuses, most of the time the statuses are only about when I did something nice for her like fixed her window, bought her flowers, or listened to her vent. But I keep remembering only a couple months ago, when she was dating the attractive "bad boy", she would make statuses practically gushing over him because she found him so attractive. But it's not the same with me. She only tags me in statuses when i do something NICE for her. Outside of facebook, the relationship isnt bad. It's now been about 4 weeks since we've been official, and 5-6 weeks since we first met. She's not OVERLY affectionate with me, but she's not a cold fish, either. My son and her daughter get along well. She befriended several of my friends because I introduced them to her. Sometimes if we all go out together, me or my friends will tag all of us in a status saying that we're out together, and she won't Like the status or comment on it. To me, Liking it would be a sign of acknowledgment. Sometimes I make statuses about our dates and she doesn't Like it either.

 

 

Another thing that makes me worry, is that aside from not making her profile pic a pic of us and not having her relationship status visible on her facebook, she still has the same attractive picture of herself as her profile pic, that she's had since the summer. That was also the same picture she had as her main pic on her dating profile when I first saw her on there a few months ago. It's almost as if she doesn't want a guy(s) to know that she's not single? I dont know. I just thought she would want to flaunt me to the world. I know how integral social media is to people's lives in todays world and she just doesn't really flaunt us much at all... when a couple of months ago she would be making statuses pretty consistently gushing over the badboy. She even made a status the other night saying that she was watching a movie (we were watching it together) but she didn't tag me in the status. Which seems pretty uncommon for her.

 

I would like HONEST opinions please. Is this a rebound relationship? Not that Im using my son as a tactic to lock this woman down, but I know if we were to break up, she most likely wouldnt want to hurt her daughter by having my son ripped out of her daughters life, right? Which direction do you see this going?

Edited October 30, 2016 by maxalton

[JewelD]

Maybe she's being smart and doesn't want people in her business? It's also possible that she just doesn't care about fb to the extent that she wants to make it a shrine to your relationship. That's always embarrassing to remove when a relationship doesn't work out.

 

and since she was just recently betrayed by an ex, maybe she doesn't want people to think she's a relationship hopper. One to the next.

 

Whose idea was it to become official so soon? Maybe her feelings just aren't as intense as yours are right now? It doesn't mean she doesn't like you. She's spending time with you, acknowledging you and your child. Don't let social media wreck your relationship. Although if it bugs you, why don't you ask her about it?

[JewelD]

oh, and as far as the kids, how long were you dating before they met each other? It's only been about a month total since you became official so I don't think she would hesitate to separate the kids if the relationship wasn't what she wanted. She's apparently had several different 'bad boys' around her daughter and ripped them out of her life so there's that to consider.

 

Hard to tell if it's a rebound, although I wouldn't make a habit of dating anyone fresh out of a relationship.

[Herbalist]

Okay so if we are going to give everyone involved the benefit of a doubt then this would be my opinion:

 

Yes she acted differently towards the pretty jerk guy but obviously as you have noted that has been part of her problem. Fawning over superficial things like a dumb ass and then getting burned.

 

You say you consider yourself different and she likely enjoys your company for different reasons then. So it is not very surprising that she might behave differently about the situation.

 

And yes there is very likely a rebound element going on. Plus you say yourself that you normally attract "psycho" so i.e. unstable women and you seem to be attracted to them as well, which means that you are very likely dysfunctional in some ways yourself. You also hint at this with how obsessive you are about her showing you off. Is that your underlying dysfunction? You are attracted to emotionally damaged women with bad pasts because it strokes your ego to be considered so much better and special compared to all those "other" guys they had before? That is the vibe you are giving off anyway.

 

I do believe that two dysfunctional people who are at least genuinely good people at their core can enjoy each other and possibly even explore a healthier relationship. So I mean if you want to try then by all means go for it. But bear in mind that you both sound dysfunctional and it is very hard for two dysfunctional people to have a functional relationship, I mean naturally you know? So yeah maybe she will drop you when the next pretty jerk face come along, but who knows? Don't get so invested after just 4 weeks. And if you do some honest introspection and realize that what you are really after deep down is an ego boost then go get that in therapy instead.

[ManyDissapoint]

She likes you on paper, the idea of you sounds like the right thing after all her screw ups. But she will never be able to move past the badboy thing because she lacks introspection. The FB stuff is a bad sign, also that she has a kid. You deserve better than this. More than enough red flags here. Have fun with her but don't take her seriously.

[Herbalist]

She likes you on paper, the idea of you sounds like the right thing after all her screw ups. But she will never be able to move past the badboy thing because she lacks introspection. The FB stuff is a bad sign, also that she has a kid. You deserve better than this. More than enough red flags here. Have fun with her but don't take her seriously.

 

Uh the OP is also a single parent.

[Gloria25]

See, this is another reason why I don't like Fakebook.

 

From what people tell me is now a days, adding some person you just met as a "friend" on Fakebook is akin to exchanging telephone numbers? Sorry, not for me.

 

I got Fakebook cuz it was convenient to keep in touch with people I know. There was a time I had to carve out hours to call, write and/or e-mail people to keep up with them. Fakebook simplifies it all. I never got MySpace cuz I also found it cheesy and fake. I barely go on Fakebook now a days cuz it is just exhausting and unnecessary for me.

 

So, dating gets more complicated. I mean, once you put something online and even with controls Fakebook has in place, it's hard to explain things. I mean, imagine adding some guy you are just dating and you two break up. Your friends and family are gonna see each and every dude you met and/or are dating. To me, I just don't wanna parade in front of family and friends some guy that I'm not serious with. And, ok, what if you remain friends with this guy after a breakup? Then he's gonna see all the people you date - unless you delete him as a "friend" on Fakebook, then he's gonna get sore feelings cuz you unfriended him.

 

Bleh, too much drama. Don't add Tom, Dick, Harry, John, Jane, Susy, etc. to your Fakebook until it's serious (ie marriage). Problem solved. And, if Tom, Dick, Harry, John, Jane, Susy, etc. ask if you have a Fakebook and why not add them - tell them you keep Fakebook for family and friends you're not romantically involved with...you're welcome, I just threw you a two-fer.

[MJJean]

So, she still likes the bad boy types, but is willing to date you because you look good to her on paper and she's sick of being humped and dumped. Meanwhile, you're still attracting the wrong kind of woman as evidenced by your relationship with her.

 

Best case scenario, she marries you for stability and it ends up being sexless within a few years because you aren't really her type.

 

Worst case scenario, she marries you for stability and it ends up being sexless because you aren't really her type, but the guy(s) she's ****ing behind your back are.

[maxalton]

Maybe she's being smart and doesn't want people in her business? It's also possible that she just doesn't care about fb to the extent that she wants to make it a shrine to your relationship. That's always embarrassing to remove when a relationship doesn't work out.

 

and since she was just recently betrayed by an ex, maybe she doesn't want people to think she's a relationship hopper. One to the next.

 

Whose idea was it to become official so soon? Maybe her feelings just aren't as intense as yours are right now? It doesn't mean she doesn't like you. She's spending time with you, acknowledging you and your child. Don't let social media wreck your relationship. Although if it bugs you, why don't you ask her about it?

 

I agree maybe she is being more reserved to the world about us because she gushed over the last dude and he screwed her over. At the same time, she still posts on facebook pretty frequently. She's a pretty open person as well. As far as not wanting to look like a relationship hopper, who knows. She does tag me in things on facebook. Usually its only if we go out to dinner (or some type of date like that) or if I do something nice for her such as give her flowers, she'll take a picture of it and put it on facebook, tag me and thank me. Which, I know girls enjoy those facebook Likes. Im just insecure about the fact that she gushed over the last guy because how she found him attractive. Making posts like "tv and cuddle time with ___" "you're cute" etc. She's not affectionate with me in that way. You may ask then why dont you just end it? I do like her and dont want to end it, but im insecure about this. Im insecure that not only may I be a rebound, but maybe she's only with me BECAUSE im not a "badboy who will eventually hurt her." And I dont see any way I can bring this up to her without sounding like a total b!tch.

Edited November 1, 2016 by maxalton

[maxalton]

She likes you on paper, the idea of you sounds like the right thing after all her screw ups. But she will never be able to move past the badboy thing because she lacks introspection. The FB stuff is a bad sign, also that she has a kid. You deserve better than this. More than enough red flags here. Have fun with her but don't take her seriously.

 

Well I dont know if she lacks introspection. She may, but I dont know that for sure. I know that Im not a badboy and I wont screw her over. So maybe she finally has come around to breaking out of the badboy stage? Or I could be a rebound because Im "different." As I said, she's not overly affectionate towards me but shes also not a cold fish.

 

 

As far as FB stuff, she tagged me and some of her friends last night when we all went trick or treating with our kids. She had a couple pics in the album that included my son. One was my son, her daughter, and her daughters friend. She chose to make the picture of just her daughter and her daughters friend as her cover photo. Just gets under my skin how she doesn't even acknowledge me through her cover photo, profile photo, and has kept her relationship status hidden (im not sure if she knows its hidden, she probably does though.) I keep thinking that maybe theres a guy(s) that she doesn't want to disinterest by showing that she's taken. She does tag me in posts now and then, thats about it. Id hate to use facebook as a measuring stick for a relationship, but I know how integral facebook is in todays world. And she's the type who typically likes exposing her excitement or displeasure on facebook. Add to that, she admitted on our first date how it kinda gets under her skin that she sees people on facebook getting married and being happy couples....well? why not show me off more? im just insecure that maybe im not really "the one" because of her lack of showing me off to the world. I do meet some of her friends, so its not like she keeps me a total secret.

[maxalton]

So, she still likes the bad boy types, but is willing to date you because you look good to her on paper and she's sick of being humped and dumped. Meanwhile, you're still attracting the wrong kind of woman as evidenced by your relationship with her.

 

Best case scenario, she marries you for stability and it ends up being sexless within a few years because you aren't really her type.

 

Worst case scenario, she marries you for stability and it ends up being sexless because you aren't really her type, but the guy(s) she's ****ing behind your back are.

 

Well, she likes sex and sex is important to her, so I dont see any way she would get married to someone she wasnt attracted to, especially if she knows it'll likely become sexless because "im not really her type." (I mean, we are having sex now.)

 

 

And we've had talks about loyalty/cheating/etc. and she's said how she doesnt believe in cheating and she doesnt tolerate cheating. Shes been cheated on in the past and she doesnt tolerate cheating one bit. So I doubt she would be having sex with someone else behind my back. I trust her word when she says shes not a cheater.

 

 

So, if we ever do get married, i think she would be pretty dead-set on being with me.

[maxalton]

Okay so if we are going to give everyone involved the benefit of a doubt then this would be my opinion:

 

Yes she acted differently towards the pretty jerk guy but obviously as you have noted that has been part of her problem. Fawning over superficial things like a dumb ass and then getting burned.

 

You say you consider yourself different and she likely enjoys your company for different reasons then. So it is not very surprising that she might behave differently about the situation.

 

And yes there is very likely a rebound element going on. Plus you say yourself that you normally attract "psycho" so i.e. unstable women and you seem to be attracted to them as well, which means that you are very likely dysfunctional in some ways yourself. You also hint at this with how obsessive you are about her showing you off. Is that your underlying dysfunction? You are attracted to emotionally damaged women with bad pasts because it strokes your ego to be considered so much better and special compared to all those "other" guys they had before? That is the vibe you are giving off anyway.

 

I do believe that two dysfunctional people who are at least genuinely good people at their core can enjoy each other and possibly even explore a healthier relationship. So I mean if you want to try then by all means go for it. But bear in mind that you both sound dysfunctional and it is very hard for two dysfunctional people to have a functional relationship, I mean naturally you know? So yeah maybe she will drop you when the next pretty jerk face come along, but who knows? Don't get so invested after just 4 weeks. And if you do some honest introspection and realize that what you are really after deep down is an ego boost then go get that in therapy instead.

 

 

Does that mean it'll fail? Ive seen rebound relationships work. Looking back, I do see now that this kinda did happen pretty quickly and we met and became offical only a month after the last punk she was with screwed her over.

[Michelle ma Belle]

See, this is another reason why I don't like Fakebook.

 

From what people tell me is now a days, adding some person you just met as a "friend" on Fakebook is akin to exchanging telephone numbers? Sorry, not for me.

 

I got Fakebook cuz it was convenient to keep in touch with people I know. There was a time I had to carve out hours to call, write and/or e-mail people to keep up with them. Fakebook simplifies it all. I never got MySpace cuz I also found it cheesy and fake. I barely go on Fakebook now a days cuz it is just exhausting and unnecessary for me.

 

So, dating gets more complicated. I mean, once you put something online and even with controls Fakebook has in place, it's hard to explain things. I mean, imagine adding some guy you are just dating and you two break up. Your friends and family are gonna see each and every dude you met and/or are dating. To me, I just don't wanna parade in front of family and friends some guy that I'm not serious with. And, ok, what if you remain friends with this guy after a breakup? Then he's gonna see all the people you date - unless you delete him as a "friend" on Fakebook, then he's gonna get sore feelings cuz you unfriended him.

 

Bleh, too much drama. Don't add Tom, Dick, Harry, John, Jane, Susy, etc. to your Fakebook until it's serious (ie marriage). Problem solved. And, if Tom, Dick, Harry, John, Jane, Susy, etc. ask if you have a Fakebook and why not add them - tell them you keep Fakebook for family and friends you're not romantically involved with...you're welcome, I just threw you a two-fer.

 

Amen!

 

Couldn't agree more.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Is there a need for you to be living your relationships out on Facebook?

And the way you use Facebook isn't necessarily how others use it.

You collect women from dating sites on Facebook which some might see as a bit of a threat too.

 

Also, you said her last relationship was a month long? If what you described is accurate, it sounds like she doesn't have actual relationships, instead she dates a lot.

 

It's so much unnecessary drama. You've only been together for 5 weeks she doesn't have to make any big gestures online about being with you. Having said that, she did do it for the "bad boys" and she has a track record of attracting those types. She sounds like bad news, but you also sound like you are a little bit overly-sensitive perhaps too.

 

Play it cool for now, and don't let it get to you. This period you are in is the "observation period" where you will slowly get to figure out who she really is. If you are still dating her 6 months down the line and she is still ignoring you on Facebook then I suspect it is what others said, you are only good on paper.

 

Keep in mind she has been burned too many times by shouting from the roof tops her infatuations with other guys who let her down, so she may not want to be so forthright this time around.

[thecrucible]

As far as not wanting to look like a relationship hopper, who knows. She does tag me in things on facebook. Usually its only if we go out to dinner (or some type of date like that) or if I do something nice for her such as give her flowers, she'll take a picture of it and put it on facebook, tag me and thank me.

 

That's great. And I'd say it's a pretty clear statement to the fact that you two are romantically involved; and it should be pretty obvious to anyone reading Facebook.

 

Which, I know girls enjoy those facebook Likes. Im just insecure about the fact that she gushed over the last guy because how she found him attractive. Making posts like "tv and cuddle time with ___" "you're cute" etc.

 

It could be that she just feels very embarrassed about gushing about the last guy and then the relationship ending. I mean I remember the kind of things I said on Facebook about a bf when I was in my late teens. It actually kind of makes me cringe now. I also don't want to make my private life too public so I would try and be discreet now. I don't even add a guy to Facebook if we haven't dated long. I only add him if we decide to be really serious with each other as bf and gf.

 

She's not affectionate with me in that way.

 

Do you mean that she doesn't initiate it or that she isn't affectionate? She could just be someone who doesn't lead with it. And it could be something to do with past relationships as well? I mean I dated a guy once who was horrible to me and at the time I was very openly affectionate and I'd say that experience has made me more guarded now and I'd only be more full on with affection when I've known a guy for longer and I feel safer in the relationship.

 

Im insecure that not only may I be a rebound, but maybe she's only with me BECAUSE im not a "badboy who will eventually hurt her." And I dont see any way I can bring this up to her without sounding like a total b!tch.

 

So it seems like your worries about Facebook and whether you are a rebound are intertwined but it's the worry about being a rebound that really gets to you. I can understand why you'd be alarmed about her relationship history and you being a different kind of guy in that history. You perhaps need longer dating her to figure out what's what. I agree - it'd be a difficult issue to ask about directly but hopefully more information will come out if you talk about past relationships in general.

[maxalton]

Things are still going okay in person, but she still pretty much neglects me on social media (even though she's a pretty decent social media junkie.) But I've noticed something that bothers me even more now. On Facebook, I felt snoopy and decided to see her Recently Added Friends. There were 3 guys on that list, all of which their profiles said they live in cities that surround her city (so they're local guys) and all of their profiles say Single. One of the guys looks like a typical facebook whore and has a few thousand facebook friends. What really bothered me is that after looking at his profile, I see that she had Liked his profile picture and Liked his most recent status about some random crap. Meanwhile, she's hardly posted ANYTHING about me in the last couple weeks on her facebook. I dont use Instagram too much, but I decided to look on her Instagram. I see that she also followed a couple of them on Instagram, plus a few other guys. One of which has a few thousand followers and seems to have model-like pictures on his page. Though he has model-like pictures, he lives in a city not too far from her. I know that BEFORE we dated, she used to be active on dating apps such as Tinder and a couple other dating apps. It was a random conversation we had when we first started dating. Now that I see these random guys being added, Im fearing that she's either back on Tinder or some other dating app. I really dont believe she cheats with how adamant she was about not tolerating cheating, but Im fearing maybe she has her eyes on the door (of our relationship.) She very rarely tags me in anything on Facebook anymore, her profile pic and cover pic show no traces of US, just her. And our relationship status (that I created a month ago) was never visible to the public due to her privacy settings. It was only visible as a one-time thing when I made the status, it showed up on the timeline, but her info on her page never showed she was in a relationship, it was always blank/private. At best, I feel like she's seeking attention/validation from "hot guys," whilst pretty much hiding our relationship on her Facebook. What do you guys think? I can't tell her this without sounding like a total stalker boyfriend. Even though I have stalked, it sounds like I've had a reason to.

[Standard-Fare]

@Maxalton, without commenting on your relationship, I have to say that you seem WAY too caught up in social media. You're a 32-year-old father — why are you spending so much time on Facebook, etc., analyzing every minor move and interaction? Reread your posts and the things you're saying. This crap is for teenagers.

 

Seriously, it might be a good idea for you to suspend your accounts for a while and try to live in "real life" and see how that goes. Instead of obsessing over how your relationship with this woman plays out for the public on social media, concern yourself with how it plays out in the day to day between just the two of you.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Standard-Fare

[maxalton]

@Maxalton, without commenting on your relationship, I have to say that you seem WAY too caught up in social media. You're a 32-year-old father — why are you spending so much time on Facebook, etc., analyzing every minor move and interaction? Reread your posts and the things you're saying. This crap is for teenagers.

 

Seriously, it might be a good idea for you to suspend your accounts for a while and try to live in "real life" for a while. Instead of obsessing over how your relationship with this woman plays out for the public on social media, concern yourself with how it plays out in the day to day between just the two of you.

 

That sounds nice and all, but if your girlfriend is big on social media and is rarely posting about you but adding random single guys in her area and Liking some of their stuff, that wouldnt be a cause of concern for you? And dont give me that "its just facebook" crap. Because no it isnt "just facebook."

[Standard-Fare]

That sounds nice and all, but if your girlfriend is big on social media and is rarely posting about you but adding random single guys in her area and Liking some of their stuff, that wouldnt be a cause of concern for you? And dont give me that "its just facebook" crap. Because no it isnt "just facebook."

 

I agree - it's not "just Facebook." But the degree to which you're personally DWELLING on Facebook and using that to micro-analyze this woman's actions and your relationship is just not healthy or productive.

 

At the end of the day, you either trust her or you don't. And if you're so full of doubt that you have to track her every move on social media, who she's following, what she's "liking," etc., then maybe the foundation of this relationship just isn't strong enough to begin with. It's turning you into a paranoid stalker-sleuth. You can't be enjoying this.