Saw ex who dumped me 1y ago. She was crying about us. Do I tell her I still want her?

[justtrying]

Hi guys and thanks a lot for reading. I'm pretty confused here and have no idea what to do. For context both me and my ex are 26.

 

My ex broke up with me a year ago, I was absolutely devastated and I went no contact as soon as she did it but have always wanted her back, although I had been starting to feel better recently. I saw her once a few months ago and was just friendly and played it cool in front of her. I didn't tell her or show her that I still feel the way I do. Clearly that didn't work and she showed no signs of pain or wanting me, I assumed she was completely over me and I gave up to be honest.

 

Then I saw her again at a party 2 nights ago. My approach was very different this time, I was more distant and just wanted to kind of manage to enjoy the night and try not to get too upset about seeing her. To my massive surprise me being distant from her and some drinks later she started crying, we had a few huge talks/fights throughout the night finally discussing the break up which we've never really done. It basically revealed we broke up mostly down to a break down in communication and her thinking I didn't care about her or the relationship towards the end. She was shouting, crying and showing a lot of passion which to me isn't someone who is completely over our relationship.

 

I am very tempted to contact her and simply tell her with no messing around that I love her and I want to be with her. Do you think that's a terrible idea? I'm really trying not to get my hopes up but after all that was revealed and the way things went I feel like it's what I need to do. It's worth bearing in mind that I will probably see her again in a few months at another event so waiting could be an option. I have no idea what the right thing to do is, all I know is how I feel and how much I want to be with her.

[Pete2304]

Hi guys and thanks a lot for reading. I'm pretty confused here and have no idea what to do. For context both me and my ex are 26.

 

My ex broke up with me a year ago, I was absolutely devastated and I went no contact as soon as she did it but have always wanted her back, although I had been starting to feel better recently. I saw her once a few months ago and was just friendly and played it cool in front of her. I didn't tell her or show her that I still feel the way I do. Clearly that didn't work and she showed no signs of pain or wanting me, I assumed she was completely over me and I gave up to be honest.

 

Then I saw her again at a party 2 nights ago. My approach was very different this time, I was more distant and just wanted to kind of manage to enjoy the night and try not to get too upset about seeing her. To my massive surprise me being distant from her and some drinks later she started crying, we had a few huge talks/fights throughout the night finally discussing the break up which we've never really done. It basically revealed we broke up mostly down to a break down in communication and her thinking I didn't care about her or the relationship towards the end. She was shouting, crying and showing a lot of passion which to me isn't someone who is completely over our relationship.

 

I am very tempted to contact her and simply tell her with no messing around that I love her and I want to be with her. Do you think that's a terrible idea? I'm really trying not to get my hopes up but after all that was revealed and the way things went I feel like it's what I need to do. It's worth bearing in mind that I will probably see her again in a few months at another event so waiting could be an option. I have no idea what the right thing to do is, all I know is how I feel and how much I want to be with her.

 

I promise you this isn't a cold hearted question but in all honesty how drunk was she?

[Zapbasket]

I think it's entirely appropriate in this case to call her up NOW and suggest you two continue your conversation from the party, but this time in a quieter venue and one on one rather than in front of a group of people.

 

Then play it by ear. It does sound like she's at least open to clarifying with you the miscommunications that caused the breakup. Just be sure you stay calm and really listen to what she has to say.

 

In the course of this conversation, you'll find out whether it would be appropriate and well received if you tell her you still are in love with her and would like to try again.

 

Stay patient.

[justtrying]

I promise you this isn't a cold hearted question but in all honesty how drunk was she?

 

Her crying/welling up started off maybe 2 drinks in, so not drunk/very mildly. She had our friends coming up to me straight away trying to find out why I was being distant etc. As the night progressed we both got more drunk and the discussions/fights unsurprisingly got bigger and louder. Relevant question. I'd like to think I'm saying that accurately but I definitely wouldn't put this down to just the drink, although it definitely escalated parts of it.

[justtrying]

I think it's entirely appropriate in this case to call her up NOW and suggest you two continue your conversation from the party, but this time in a quieter venue and one on one rather than in front of a group of people.

 

Then play it by ear. It does sound like she's at least open to clarifying with you the miscommunications that caused the breakup. Just be sure you stay calm and really listen to what she has to say.

 

In the course of this conversation, you'll find out whether it would be appropriate and well received if you tell her you still are in love with her and would like to try again.

 

Stay patient.

 

Thank you very much for the reply, extremely helpful. So you think it'd become clear during a calmer version of our discussion if she had any interest in trying again, without me putting my cards on the table. I guess the only argument against that is she claims the main reason she ended it was me not expressing myself enough, so talking to her without really saying what I'm feeling might not do much good in this scenario. Really appreciate the advice.

[Zapbasket]

Thank you very much for the reply, extremely helpful. So you think it'd become clear during a calmer version of our discussion if she had any interest in trying again, without me putting my cards on the table. I guess the only argument against that is she claims the main reason she ended it was me not expressing myself enough, so talking to her without really saying what I'm feeling might not do much good in this scenario. Really appreciate the advice.

 

It's not about you withholding your feelings; it's more about hearing what she has to say, asking questions to get as much clarity on her meaning as you can, and then sitting with this new information and new clarity long enough to ask yourself if you're prepared to enter into a relationship with her again in a changed way from how you were before. The decision to get back together should not be purely based on the emotions of the moment, but should come from a shared understanding of what went wrong the first time and what you need to do individually and as a couple to make sure the same thing doesn't go wrong again.

[justtrying]

It's not about you withholding your feelings; it's more about hearing what she has to say, asking questions to get as much clarity on her meaning as you can, and then sitting with this new information and new clarity long enough to ask yourself if you're prepared to enter into a relationship with her again in a changed way from how you were before. The decision to get back together should not be purely based on the emotions of the moment, but should come from a shared understanding of what went wrong the first time and what you need to do individually and as a couple to make sure the same thing doesn't go wrong again.

 

That sort of conversation would be fantastic, I hope I'm somewhere near composed enough to enter it because our 'chat' the other night was the exact opposite. You seem quite experienced and knowledgable about this topic, if you had to say, based on the very limited info you have, is there any chance she wants what I do? My thinking is crying/shouting/showing that much emotion after a year surely has to mean something. This coming just after I was starting to feel better is even more tricky because I now have the added fear of taking a big step back happiness wise.

[Cephalopod]

I promise you this isn't a cold hearted question but in all honesty how drunk was she?

 

Ahahahaha! . I was about to ask that myself!

[Cephalopod]

Let her come to you. If she really wants you back...let her chase you.

 

She most likely had another guy she had her sights on when she broke up with you. No woman just breaks it off with a guy due to "lack of communication". That's the oldest dodge in the playbook. She's lying my friend.

 

When you went dark on her after she broke up with you, she got all butt-hurt because you didn't chase after her. When you were distant the other night she got butt-hurt again. She wants the ego gratification of having a guy she dumped and screwed over to pine for her and chase her. When you don't do that she loses it and pouts and throws a baby fit.

 

Why would you want to get back with a woman who acts like a fourteen year old?

[justtrying]

Let her come to you. If she really wants you back...let her chase you.

 

She most likely had another guy she had her sights on when she broke up with you. No woman just breaks it off with a guy due to "lack of communication". That's the oldest dodge in the playbook. She's lying my friend.

 

When you went dark on her after she broke up with you, she got all butt-hurt because you didn't chase after her. When you were distant the other night she got butt-hurt again. She wants the ego gratification of having a guy she dumped and screwed over to pine for her and chase her. When you don't do that she loses it and pouts and throws a baby fit.

 

Why would you want to get back with a woman who acts like a fourteen year old?

 

See, all this is why I'm debating whether to do it or not. If she really regrets ending it she should be the one coming to me. I'm kinda anticipating her turning me down to be honest, I've just let it get to the stage where I'd regret not trying. To answer your question, I've tried extremely hard to get over her, there's just something she's got that no one else has ever given me before and I can't really deny it. Thanks for the advice.

[Cephalopod]

See, all this is why I'm debating whether to do it or not. If she really regrets ending it she should be the one coming to me. I'm kinda anticipating her turning me down to be honest, I've just let it get to the stage where I'd regret not trying. To answer your question, I've tried extremely hard to get over her, there's just something she's got that no one else has ever given me before and I can't really deny it. Thanks for the advice.

 

Listen little brother...

 

All us older guys like myself have been in your shoes. And I'm going to tell you something you need to let sink in. That "something she's got" is all in your head. You are remembering the fantasy and ideal of what you thought she was. But she is not all that. It is an illusion. She dumped you cold for questionable reasons.

 

She's a flake my friend. And I don't care how good she may be in bed, how pretty she is, or how much fun you had with her; no pussy on this planet is worth your self respect. Looking from the outside in, what is see is a good guy who loved his ex girlfriend a lot more than she loved him. Is that what you want? To be settled for?

[Pete2304]

Listen little brother...

 

All us older guys like myself have been in your shoes. And I'm going to tell you something you need to let sink in. That "something she's got" is all in your head. You are remembering the fantasy and ideal of what you thought she was. But she is not all that. It is an illusion. She dumped you cold for questionable reasons.

 

She's a flake my friend. And I don't care how good she may be in bed, how pretty she is, or how much fun you had with her; no pussy on this planet is worth your self respect. Looking from the outside in, what is see is a good guy who loved his ex girlfriend a lot more than she loved him. Is that what you want? To be settled for?

 

Trust me he's right. Don't settle now and be that guy who gets treated like garbage because his girlfriend knows he will always come running. It can end up hurting like hell a lot more than can you possibly imagine right now if you be that guy. Or so I've read...... :-)

[Zapbasket]

That sort of conversation would be fantastic, I hope I'm somewhere near composed enough to enter it because our 'chat' the other night was the exact opposite. You seem quite experienced and knowledgable about this topic, if you had to say, based on the very limited info you have, is there any chance she wants what I do? My thinking is crying/shouting/showing that much emotion after a year surely has to mean something. This coming just after I was starting to feel better is even more tricky because I now have the added fear of taking a big step back happiness wise.

 

Not necessarily experienced or knowledgeable, and I certainly cannot speak to what might be in her mind. I only speak from an outside observer's perspective, and her emotional response to you and the rehash of the breakup suggests that she hasn't moved beyond it all emotionally. Her not having moved beyond the breakup emotionally is not the same as her still wanting to be with you. She's going through her process, whatever that may be, and it is about her first and foremost, not so much about you. You're going through the same process, and only you know what that is, and your process is also about YOU, not so much about HER, even though as you move through the grief, no doubt you think about her and feel it is "about her," even when it is, in fact, not. It's the same for her.

 

All I'm saying is that since she seemed open to talking about the breakup with you, you have nothing to lose in suggesting you two meet to finish that conversation, hopefully in a more private and civil way than you did at that party. This is a separate thing entirely from getting back together. That's why I'm saying, Be patient. See what happens when you suggest a conversation about the breakup. Then think about it. Then see what she does, if anything. Then decide whether you want to get back with her, or not. Then, if you do, tell her how you feel. I don't recommend you omit any of these steps. In this way, you give yourself a chance to see whether it's realistic to want her back and actually pursue that. Maybe you just miss what you thought you had; maybe what you thought you had wasn't what was there; maybe now you need something different; maybe, simply, you both need more time to heal.

[bubbaganoosh]

What your doing is assuming. Yeah she talked/shouted to you about the why's and what for but there is nothing that says she wants you back.

 

If she dumped you, it was for a reason. You got hurt in the deal and she went on with her life and left you to pick up the pieces of your life and try to put it back together again and from what you have said, you managed to do that so why do you want to take that chance again?

 

If it's me, I move on and let the past stay where it is. Better safe than sorry.

[sandylee1]

Why don't you message her saying that she said a few things the other night at the party and you're not sure if it was the alcohol talking, but you'd be open to meeting up for a coffee to talk through it.

 

Then it's down to her to get back to you. By doing this you're not professing undying love for her, but showing some interest and the ball is now in her court.

 

I'm a bit of a romantic and sometimes communication problems cause break ups.

[justtrying]

Listen little brother...

 

All us older guys like myself have been in your shoes. And I'm going to tell you something you need to let sink in. That "something she's got" is all in your head. You are remembering the fantasy and ideal of what you thought she was. But she is not all that. It is an illusion. She dumped you cold for questionable reasons.

 

She's a flake my friend. And I don't care how good she may be in bed, how pretty she is, or how much fun you had with her; no pussy on this planet is worth your self respect. Looking from the outside in, what is see is a good guy who loved his ex girlfriend a lot more than she loved him. Is that what you want? To be settled for?

 

Man, I hope you're wrong but thanks a lot for the honesty. This is kind of another reason I have the urge after all this time to tell her how I feel, to at least find out once and for all how she does. If you're right that I always loved her more, finding that out from her own mouth would maybe finally make me fully move on. Thanks for the knowledge man.

[justtrying]

What your doing is assuming. Yeah she talked/shouted to you about the why's and what for but there is nothing that says she wants you back.

 

If she dumped you, it was for a reason. You got hurt in the deal and she went on with her life and left you to pick up the pieces of your life and try to put it back together again and from what you have said, you managed to do that so why do you want to take that chance again?

 

If it's me, I move on and let the past stay where it is. Better safe than sorry.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, what she was saying wasn't very clear. I eventually started feeling better cause I realised I had no choice, in my mind she didn't want me and there was no chance of getting back together so I got on with it. Now there's a doubt around if she feels that way, that's what's pulling me back in.

[justtrying]

Why don't you message her saying that she said a few things the other night at the party and you're not sure if it was the alcohol talking, but you'd be open to meeting up for a coffee to talk through it.

 

Then it's down to her to get back to you. By doing this you're not professing undying love for her, but showing some interest and the ball is now in her court.

 

I'm a bit of a romantic and sometimes communication problems cause break ups.

 

Thank you for the reply. We broke up in very specific circumstances due to me not telling her something bad that happened (in my home life, nothing to do with her or another girl or anything like that). It caused havoc and is the reason for all the communication issues etc. So I want to believe too, but maybe I'm just giving myself some false hope. You'd go with the cautious approach, good to know and thank you again.

[Cephalopod]

Thank you for the reply. We broke up in very specific circumstances due to me not telling her something bad that happened (in my home life, nothing to do with her or another girl or anything like that). It caused havoc and is the reason for all the communication issues etc. So I want to believe too, but maybe I'm just giving myself some false hope. You'd go with the cautious approach, good to know and thank you again.

 

See, that's a bunch of manipulative bull*****.

 

Unless whatever happened to you has any functional or direct bearing on her relationship with you, she had no right to assume that she had to be a party of all those family issues and throw that in your face and break up with you. Everyone has family issues that they must deal with outside their romantic relationship, and many times these situations are of the kind that that that they don't offhandedly tell their girlfriend or boyfriend about it unless it is going to impact them directly.

 

My thinking is she used that situation as an excuse to break up with you, and then she just played that card for all it was worth. She had been wanting to break up with you for a while, but could not find any excuse to do so. So she fabricated an excuse from something that, to the relationship, really meant nothing, and ran with it and railroaded you into a breakup.

 

She's quite the game player.

 

When someone really loves you, they don't allow something that has happened to you outside of the relationship (that was beyond your control) to determine what is happening IN the the relationship. If that person truly loves you she will be there for you when you are ready to tell her about what is going on. They don't get to dictate when you share things with them. It is called respect. And she doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

[40somethingGuy]

Thank you very much for the reply, extremely helpful. So you think it'd become clear during a calmer version of our discussion if she had any interest in trying again, without me putting my cards on the table. I guess the only argument against that is she claims the main reason she ended it was me not expressing myself enough, so talking to her without really saying what I'm feeling might not do much good in this scenario. Really appreciate the advice.

 

You want her to ACHE for you? You want her to CRAVE you? So as said above suggest you finish the conversation for 'closure.' Then, really show that you are listening by repeating back what she said so she knows you heard her. But always remember women want what they perceive to not be able to have. Make it sound like you have done well since her and give the impression that you are not still in love even if you are. Talk to her and once she knows YOU LISTENED AND HEARD HER. Don't believe the 'you didn't express yourself enough.' That is code for 'you didn't listen to me' and you probably failed some tests she played on you. Maybe take it slow this time but definitely let her know that you have worked hard to move on but leave the door open to her by saying you still care very much about her etc.