Marriage Issues

[fthj]

Hey guys, My wife and I have been together for almost 3 years and married just over 2 years. We also have a 1 year old daughter. My wife has struggled her whole life with anxiety, depression, and poor body image. She was struggling with anorexia and bulimia when she was in high school and in the first few months of our relationship. She started doing a lot better when I first told her that I was going to marry her. Maybe something to do with not feeling like she had to be considered the perfect body image that females are "suppose" to have in the U.S. We got married, had our daughter, and everything was fine( I thought) until about the last two months. Our daughter has gotten older and is more independent than she was when she was born. I had a feeling that my wife was relapsing back into her old anorexic/bulimic mind set since she was having a hard time losing the weight she gained during the pregnancy and recovery from the emergency C-section. Which may be 10-15 pounds at most. Since I had the feeling that she was close to a relapse I started checking all of her social media accounts (facebook, twitter, tumblr, whisper) just to try and see what was going on with her because she isn't comfortable talking to me about these issues. When she does I try to help her through any issues but i always seem to make things worse somehow. I am only doing this because I care about her metal/physical health and don't want her to fall back into the cycle she was in before.

 

Have any of you guys/gals had to deal with this before? If so what are some ways I can help her without making things worse.

 

I should also mention that she found out that I was checking them and said that I am "violating the privacy". Which I understand, but I just want to make sure she is okay.

 

Thank you for you time and help.

[MJJean]

Get her into therapy. From what I understand, issues such as your wife's are a lifelong struggle. She needs the help and support of professionals.

[fthj]

I would love to get her into therapy but I can not afford heath care thanks to obama.

[benpom]

Ironic process theory or the white bear problem refers to the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface.

 

I doubt talking therapy can really change a person's view about her image of body. Talking more about it probably just reemphasizes her concern.

 

Does she have a job? hobby?

 

Her problem boils down to not enough self-esteem. Clearly, her body image is giving a blow to her self-esteem. This is not something you can change in a short time. So I recommend you try other ways to fill up the void of self-esteem. For example, she can take a hobby, job, or volunteer work etc, something she likes and she is good at.

[fthj]

She is a stay at home mom. I try to get her to do the things she has told me used to enjoy doing, but she wont. I try to have her do new things, but she says she won't be any good at it and wont even try. I will be reenlisting in the army soon and moving to an active duty base. Hopefully she can find something on base that she enjoys doing. Our daughter is 14 months old now and should be okay in some type of daycare so my wife will be able to do more things she enjoys. If I can convince her to take those hobbies back up. She also dropped out of college during her first trimester of pregnancy. She was driving 45 mins to class at every morning and her morning sickness(more like all-day sickness) made that impossible. I hoping I can get her back in school. 1. So she will have something to do other than set at home/take care of our daughter while I'm at work. and 2. So if I get deployed and don't make it home, she will have a way to provide for her and our daughter.

[BluesPower]

Therapy, therapy, and more therapy... And then, therapy, therapy, and more thereby...

 

Yeah, I went through this with my wife, A&B, cutting, all that stuff. At the time I was just too stupid and young to realize some of it and when I did, I had no idea how to help her with it.

 

So it took forever, and a lot of therapy. MC as well so you can work on your other issues and learn a little about the stuff as well.

 

The thing is that A&B are actually symptoms of her emotional issues which will turn out to be quite severe.

 

Also, you need to learn this now, no matter what anyone says, including your wife, in a marriage you should have no expectations of privacy.

 

You should not have any secrets in the first place, and in your case you are doing it for exactly the right reasons, to help your wife.

 

So, she needs to get over that yesterday. A lot of people on LS will say different, most of them will be your age. Take it from someone that is older and hopefully wiser, I call BS on that.

 

In a marriage, secrets cause distance and division, whether is if because of the A&B, or because of some type of infidelity.

 

Take you time with this and get her to someone that knows what they are doing...

[benpom]

She is a stay at home mom. I try to get her to do the things she has told me used to enjoy doing, but she wont. I try to have her do new things, but she says she won't be any good at it and wont even try. I will be reenlisting in the army soon and moving to an active duty base. Hopefully she can find something on base that she enjoys doing. Our daughter is 14 months old now and should be okay in some type of daycare so my wife will be able to do more things she enjoys. If I can convince her to take those hobbies back up. She also dropped out of college during her first trimester of pregnancy. She was driving 45 mins to class at every morning and her morning sickness(more like all-day sickness) made that impossible. I hoping I can get her back in school. 1. So she will have something to do other than set at home/take care of our daughter while I'm at work. and 2. So if I get deployed and don't make it home, she will have a way to provide for her and our daughter.

If you are worried about not making it home, remember to buy life insurance.

[benpom]

Therapy, therapy, and more therapy... And then, therapy, therapy, and more thereby...

 

Yeah, I went through this with my wife, A&B, cutting, all that stuff. At the time I was just too stupid and young to realize some of it and when I did, I had no idea how to help her with it.

 

So it took forever, and a lot of therapy. MC as well so you can work on your other issues and learn a little about the stuff as well.

 

The thing is that A&B are actually symptoms of her emotional issues which will turn out to be quite severe.

 

Also, you need to learn this now, no matter what anyone says, including your wife, in a marriage you should have no expectations of privacy.

 

You should not have any secrets in the first place, and in your case you are doing it for exactly the right reasons, to help your wife.

 

So, she needs to get over that yesterday. A lot of people on LS will say different, most of them will be your age. Take it from someone that is older and hopefully wiser, I call BS on that.

 

In a marriage, secrets cause distance and division, whether is if because of the A&B, or because of some type of infidelity.

 

Take you time with this and get her to someone that knows what they are doing...

 

I wholeheartedly agree with the no secret rule.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Have any of you guys/gals had to deal with this before?

 

 

Yes.

 

 

If so what are some ways I can help her without making things worse.

It's not easy to answer that question, because every situation is different.

 

Trial and error will help you figure out what can be helpful and what is not helpful. Do NOT blame yourself if you don't do it right -- you are not Mr. Expert Therapist that knows the exact words to say 24/7. And you have emotional attachment to her; a therapist gets to go home; you are with your wife and are thinking about her all the time. From what I've read, addictions are a big cause of relationship breakdown --- and that is not shocking to someone that has experienced it.

 

Ok, some suggestions in your situation:

 

- Offer words of praise.

- Be cautious doing any comparing

- Ask her to trust you because you love her.

- Prove that you truly care for her by not pestering her about this.

- Assure her that you will love her no matter what --- that's part of those marriage vow/promises --- for better or worse, in sickness and health.

 

 

 

 

I should also mention that she found out that I was checking them and said that I am "violating the privacy". Which I understand, but I just want to make sure she is okay.

This is where mistrust can set in. You don't trust her, and she doesn't trust you. It's not a good place to be.

 

The 3 C's of addiction:

 

You did not cause it.

You can not control it.

You can not cure it.

 

The addiction belongs to her. You can guide her, you can offer accountability, you can love her, but you can not control/cure her.

 

You must not cross a certain line --- if she doesn't want you interfering in this area of her life, then you must allow her the freedom to do as she wants; if it affects your child or yourself directly, then of course, you must take more action.

 

Remember.....You can still be a super-duper husband and dad, and have a great life. There's no reason to let this ruin your life or your health.

 

And even though your wife has this issue, you can still have a great marriage. I'm hoping the best for you.