Why do they do this?

[Savannah2]

Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye?

[Patrice]

next victim.

[Savannah2]

I tend to agree Patrice. I don't buy the guilt card after four years of this. I just don't buy it.

[Midwestmissy]

There's a lot of conflict avoidance that can be at play. My wh didn't want to be seen as the bad guy - huge issue, he was wrapped up in what people believed him to be, truth or not. Irony was he was cheating with a cheater and not a good person at all.

 

Until people take a hard look at themselves, really hard, they sort of skim on the surface of life and convince themselves they are happy, by always having something they think is shiny on the side. It's amazing how many cheaters will never, ever, even with undeniable evidence, admit that that's who they really are - cheaters. By denying any truths about themselves, they aren't living a fulfilling life at all. I call it being a chocolate Easter bunny - looks so nice from the outside but is completely hollow on the inside. And rather than become who they want to be, they take the wussy way and just deny. Easier to claim everyone else is delusional than face oneself. Shame is crazy, and makes people ill, both physically and mentally.

 

Your mm could just be a self service jacka$$ too. Maybe being desired and flattered by one or two is more important to him than being desirable and respected by many. Definitely easier.

[BuddyX]

Every few months he pulls away because his wife sparingly treats him well (i.e. Good sex) or every few months he realizes how much he would loose if he divorced. It's a vicious cycle your part of.

[ChickiePops]

Probably both..sometimes it's one, sometimes the other.

 

After all, he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a woman who's there when he wants her and goes away when he doesn't and who doesn't complain about anything ever.

[sandylee1]

Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye?

 

Why do they do this?

 

Because they can.

 

Guilt? He wouldn't know the meaning of the word if it jumped up and bit him on the a**. He probably just wants a break from the A, but as you know he'll be back again.

 

Why don't you say to him ... you know he'll be back as he always is .... because he simply can't leave you alone no matter what he says .... because he finds you irresistible. Tell him like a bee to honey you can bet your bottom dollar he'll come crawling back. See what he says to that.

 

Or bet him a hefty sum he'll be back like Arnie. He'll either leave you alone or you'll be in the money.

 

Take that tiny bit of the upper hand and show him you ain't buying his professing of guilt.

[Southern Sun]

Savannah, I'm sorry you're still stuck in this.

 

Guilt is just an excuse for him to not have to deal with the affair for a while. He just wants a break every now and then. He might feel a little guilty but mostly he just wants an out that you will accept, which gives him an "in" when he wants it back.

 

My xMM did it to me, and he did it to his previous OW, which he confessed to me. They just want an excuse to bail, to not have to "deal" with it for a while. But they want access to you, geez. Who cares if it hurts you? They want it all.

[aileD]

Sweetie , it's because you don't have a real relationship. He's keeping you on the side for when it's convenient for him. You're not as important to him as his wife (hence the guilt).

 

Why do you allow yourself to be treated this way? You deserve to be #1bin someone's life. Someone who will be proud to show you off and spend all their time with you and only you.

 

You will never get that with MM. I hope you find the strength to move on.

[ShatteredLady]

Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye?

 

 

Oh my goodness! This is so tragic. You posted THIS in 2014...

 

"Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me."

 

....I've just had a quick look at some of the things you've posted over the years. PLEASE let this be the thread where things actually change!!! Are you still only giving him BJ's at work or do you now see him outside of work? Does he do anything sexually (or ANY WAY) for YOU now? What happened with the 20 year old intern?

 

Oh lady your life can be so much better than this!!!!

[ChickiePops]

Savannah, I'm sorry you're still stuck in this.

 

Guilt is just an excuse for him to not have to deal with the affair for a while. He just wants a break every now and then. He might feel a little guilty but mostly he just wants an out that you will accept, which gives him an "in" when he wants it back.

 

My xMM did it to me, and he did it to his previous OW, which he confessed to me. They just want an excuse to bail, to not have to "deal" with it for a while. But they want access to you, geez. Who cares if it hurts you? They want it all.

 

The word 'stuck' bothers me here. She's not stuck..she's free to leave whenever she wants. She doesn't want to.

[Noirek]

Affairs and AP are very much an addiction. Hence the push and pull. The person gets their fix and then often becomes repulsed by their behaviour or their AP (even if they aren't self aware enough to know or honest enough to admit it.). Or they are satisfied and bored. Either way they don't need their "drug". But then time passes. And the cravings begin. And back they go for another fix no matter the motive for the push in the first place.

 

A new AP causing the push is really no different. A new drug. But if the new drug doesn't work out then maybe they will go back to old AP for their old high.

 

Contrary to many people's view, except for the rare sociopath or true narcissist (a title thrown out way too much), many waywards do in fact feel guilt. The degree of guilt and how they deal with the guilt or even if they acknoweldge it does vary of course but the guilt is there. And it can make the wayward react in anger or other crazy ways. And push. But because it is guilt, not remorse, it will pass and then the pull starts again.

 

But, when it comes right down to it. His push and pull is really just you gaslighting yourself from the real issue here. Which is why you let him. Once upon a time I was on a cheaters forum. And the general consensus there is if you can't handle the push and pull then it is time to rethink the relationship and find one sans it. Obviously easier said than done. But I would encourage you to stop obsessing over why he pushes and pulls, because exactly why he does nobody here can tell you and he may not even know. And instead focus on why you let yourself be pushed and pulled.

 

When I went back to my affair (yuck) the major thing that helped me truly end it and get past it was taking control of it. Being the one in charge. Making him wait for emails. Cancelling plans. Not caving in on requests for photos. Being vague. I didn't even do it consciously. I was working through other things inside of me. And I went NC. And well, for me that really helped end it better. Not beinf the simpering, waiting for his call person.

[malvern99]

Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye?

 

Why does he keep doing this? The answer is relatively simple if you know where to look. He does it because he can. He knows you aren't going anywhere no matter what he does, so why would he bother even trying. You started a thread in February of this year where you stated the following.

 

Heavy on my mind are The weight of my thoughts about my four year affair. I see so much now that was so terribly wrong about the way he treated me. I thought the sex was so amazing but the truth is it lacked real intimacy.. No kissing, rushed clothes half off... You get the idea...

 

I hate myself for what I allowed him to do to me. He never told me he loved me. I made so many excuses for him. Told myself that he really does love me he's just torn between the two of us since he said he wants us both...I was lying to myself the whole time and it destroyed my soul. How can it be that this person I thought was saving me was really destroying me this whole time? How could I let this happen? I don't doubt my feelings for him. What is wrong with me that I could feel so deeply got someone who does not reciprocate those feelings back? I feel like such a broken person. Thank you for listening. No one knew about this affair so this place is the only outlet I have.

 

Has anything concrete changed from February until now? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no. If that is the case, why would you ever expect him to change? You have thrown close to 5 years of your life down the drain with this guy. What would it take for you to take ownership of your life and walk away?

 

Have you divorced your betrayed husband yet, and does he know about the affair? Best of luck to you.

[sandylee1]

Oh my goodness! This is so tragic. You posted THIS in 2014...

 

"Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me."

 

....I've just had a quick look at some of the things you've posted over the years. PLEASE let this be the thread where things actually change!!! Are you still only giving him BJ's at work or do you now see him outside of work? Does he do anything sexually (or ANY WAY) for YOU now? What happened with the 20 year old intern?

 

Oh lady your life can be so much better than this!!!!

 

I feel sad every time I see Savannah post a message, because nothing changes. You'll still be here or there in 4 years to come.

 

Savannah is there to fawn over and service him as he desires. A free hooker in essence.

 

I just don't see the appeal, but unfortunately there will always be a woman who allows herself to be used like this.

 

This affair will only end when he says. Savannah .... will you ever get help to get out of this?

[Poppy47]

Savannah,

 

You really do need to get out of this crappy life style. He is treating you very badly and it is making you feel less than human.

 

He only comes to you to use you. YOu need to understand that. There is no attachment on his part. You are an easy lay.

 

I do not say that unkindly. I felt the same about myself but I have stopped it.

Please stop doing it .

 

Poppy.

[Miss Clavel]

There's a lot of conflict avoidance that can be at play. My wh didn't want to be seen as the bad guy - huge issue, he was wrapped up in what people believed him to be, truth or not. Irony was he was cheating with a cheater and not a good person at all.

 

Until people take a hard look at themselves, really hard, they sort of skim on the surface of life and convince themselves they are happy, by always having something they think is shiny on the side. It's amazing how many cheaters will never, ever, even with undeniable evidence, admit that that's who they really are - cheaters. By denying any truths about themselves, they aren't living a fulfilling life at all. I call it being a chocolate Easter bunny - looks so nice from the outside but is completely hollow on the inside. And rather than become who they want to be, they take the wussy way and just deny. Easier to claim everyone else is delusional than face oneself. Shame is crazy, and makes people ill, both physically and mentally.

 

Your mm could just be a self service jacka$$ too. Maybe being desired and flattered by one or two is more important to him than being desirable and respected by many. Definitely easier.

my oldest said the same thing to me. my wasband can't stand that we know who he really is and what he is capable of.

while i'm not sure i believe "once a cheater" it does cast doubt. for good. in my case.

[whichwayisup]

Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye?

 

Ask him.

 

And ask yourself if you're truly happy having a four year affair with someone that you can't trust and seems to fearful that he's possibly met another OW.

 

Also, ask yourself if being second fiddle to his wife and family is enough for you. Seems after so many years he's not leaving and starting a new life with you. Are you fulfilled and can you go on like this for another 4 years? If you are a happy OW, then fine, but if you want more and are feeling you're getting the short end of the stick, think about ending it and finding a single man who can offer ALL of himself to you instead of just bits and pieces on his time frame.

[imsosad]

Simple. He does it because it suits him. Look at his actions, he does whatever serves his selfish needs. No regard for his wife,even less for you.

He does not care about you. He uses you when he feels like it, and pushes you away when he can't be bothered. You are showing no respect for yourself, and he knows he can come and go, do whatever he wants. When he'll feel like having sex with you,you will be available.

You can analyze him forever,but you cant do anything about it. You *do* have control over yourself. If you dont allow it, he just can't do it anymore.

[sandylee1]

Savannah,

 

You always say thanks for the posts and that they're helpful (looking back at previous threads), but yet nothing changes.

 

You didn't need to ask the push pull question. You've asked it before and the responses were the same. For the life of me I don't understand why you continue to allow yourself to be used like this.

 

Why do you bother coming back here to hear the same thing over and over again? What responses are you really looking for? To hear that push pull signifies true love?

 

This is really madness by Einstein's definition. Keep putting your hand in the fire and you'll keep getting burnt.

 

If you couldn't or wouldn't end it after this in July last year you never will.

 

He mostly seemed interested in oral with me and seemed to actually avoid intercourse. He never really initiated kissing me or looking at me during it. A lot of times I felt he could get the same from a $40 hooker down the street.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Savannah,

 

You always say thanks for the posts and that they're helpful (looking back at previous threads), but yet nothing changes.

 

You didn't need to ask the push pull question. You've asked it before and the responses were the same. For the life of me I don't understand why you continue to allow yourself to be used like this.

 

Why do you bother coming back here to hear the same thing over and over again? What responses are you really looking for? To hear that push pull signifies true love?

 

This is really madness by Einstein's definition. Keep putting your hand in the fire and you'll keep getting burnt.

 

If you couldn't or wouldn't end it after this in July last year you never will.

 

He mostly seemed interested in oral with me and seemed to actually avoid intercourse. He never really initiated kissing me or looking at me during it. A lot of times I felt he could get the same from a $40 hooker down the street.

 

This hurts my heart to read this and see that you have been here since 2014 asking the same questions. I understand, still walking through it, how hurtful and difficult this process is. I am sorry that you have not found the strength to walk away but I hope one day you do.

[oldshirt]

Savannah, you need to understand the real association between a MM and his OW.

 

The OW thinks he coming around because she is younger, cuter, sexier and nicer than the BW.

 

The real reason a MM takes up with a particular OW is because she is the one that will have sex with him without being in a real relationship and without charging him money.

 

In other words the OW is a default that he has to settle for in order to get sex outside of his marriage. It is not a true love or actual relationship. It is who and what he can get, because most women will not have sex with a married man.

 

He pulls back periodically to keep you from bugging him for some kind of decent connection or relationship.

 

.....then he comes back when his tank is full and he needs some poon.

 

This has all been explained to you in your other threads. For some reason you choose to not accept this reality.

[aileD]

This isn't very sad. Why don't you think you deserve better?

 

Next time give him a bill after you have sex with him. See how he reacts.

 

Tell him if he's going to treat you like a booklet than you might as well get paid for it. He'll get the hint.

 

Even better. Stop having sex with him....see if he keeps coming around once you stop being his plaything.

 

He won't. And I think you know that. Honey you have wasted four years of your life on this guy who does not care about you at all.

 

Where could you be if you didn't waste that time? Chances are you could have found a good guy and maybe settled down and be living authentically and happy with a great man.

 

Where are you going to be in another four years? Break away from him!

[oldshirt]

Also, when a married person is dissatisfied with their spouse and they meet someone that they truly think is "better" and they want to be with the other person instead - they actually leave.

 

And they don't drag out their departure for months and months and months. They are usually gone with a few months and sometimes within weeks.

I've personally known a few different people that left within days.

 

Any time there is an affair that lasts more than a year, it is because the WS wants BOTH. It is because they are cake eating and want the stability and security of their home and family life, but also want to have fun of some extra poontang on the side.

[sandylee1]

Savannah,

 

Was the marriage that you've left really any worse than the affair you're in? Was it such a living hell that you've chosen a piss poor affair like this?

 

Did your Ex H only use you for oral services? Or refuse to kiss you or look at you?

 

Because it looks like you've gone from frying pan to fire. From one crap relationship to a crap affair. At least in marriage you had the wife status. Now you're a secret and are picked and dropped as easy as the wind changes direction.

 

Or did your husband treat you so badly that this MM seems like Prince Charming in comparison?

 

When you hooked up with OM/MM you were married. It was a level playing field. You were a safe hook up for him.

 

Then you leave your husband and MM probably thinks "oh no". "She's done it because of me." "She's getting too attached."

 

So on comes the extra sh**ty treatment, to keep him emotionally detached from you, in your new 'available' status. But even that doesn't work, because you're now so deeply and blindly in love.

[Marc878]

Take a look back at all the time you wasted on this. You could have built a longterm relationship with someone else.

 

You have value so use it.