Miss_Scarlett Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye? Yes, he probably feels guilty and it likely comes in waves. That said, I concur with all the other folks here - what matters is you, not him. Focus on what you need and what you want - not him. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Savannah, I don't know why you are in this affair, nor why he continues. I suspect it is much like others have said. I want to say to you that you, me, anyone is worth more than what you are feeling. No one, man or woman should get to make someone feel as you do, to accept what you are given is beyond sad. if you are married and unhappy, leave, begin again with a clean page. Make a new life, one in which you can find love with someone who knows what love is, not accepting the behaviour of this man. In my experience, the reason most affairs are secret is for the married person to hide it from the BS, why? because most of us wouldn't allow them to treat us this way, we deserve, demand better and mostly we get it. Even those who go on to have other affairs fear us finding out. Please don't accept anything less, or expect your husband to have anything less either. leaving a marriage that is done is hard, but not impossible. I left 2 marriages that weren't working, one with a small child and no job, and it was hard, but it wasn't impossible. You can do that too if you want to, you can begin again, but I would suggest you ask yourself if this relationship and the way it makes you feel and accept as one which you promised yourself when you were younger. Everyone deserves a great love story, one in which you have love, respect and all those things. It doesn't sound as though this affair is giving you even a shred of that. Please want so much more for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Savannah the question that should be asked over and over by yourself should be "Why do I victimize myself over and over". No judgement whatsoever by my post to you. I was the queen of victimizing myself untill a good friend gave my backside a good kick into how others perceive me and I tell you I'd rather not be a victim and alone that degrade myself in a toxic "relationship". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Why do they do this? Or Better yet Why does he do it? Answer is because he can and because you let him. Now the real question is Why Do You Let Him Do It To You? Why Do You Accept It? Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyp32 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Been in affair four years now. Every 3 months he says he can't do it anymore because of guilt and pulls away. Do you think that's true or did someone else catch his eye? I'm a MW who had a 2.5 year affair. I never experienced the push/pull from exMM but I did do this quite a bit throughout the affair. I actually didn't know the push/pull was a normal occurrence during an affair until I started reading on LS. I guess it was something I did subconsciously. Guilt was definitely a one of the reasons I did this. There were times I would get overwhelmed with the guilt of what I was doing to unknowing innocent people. I would start to look inward and realize what an f'ed up person I was which in turn would make me see exMM in the same light. Since the A went on for so long I obviously somehow managed to push that aside to continue. The other reason for the push/pull was self preservation. Even though I didn't want to have exMM divorce and be with me I still loved him and the A still hurt. Sometimes that pain was too much for me and the push/pull put some distance between us and helped me to diminish the pain for a bit. Either way it was all a skewed way of thinking. The push/pull is just another screwed up element of an already toxic and dysfunctional situation no letters what the reasons are behind it. I really hope you find the strength to walk away from your A OP. I promise you that you are worth way more than what your MM is giving you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 2, 2016 Author Share Posted November 2, 2016 He told me on Friday that we have to just be friends nothing more. He felt he had to do the right thing and choose this affair or his family. So he appilogozrd for the pain he has caused me and told me I am an amazing human being. I laughed and said I'm such an amazing human being that you are walking away from me and our relationship? I said I am deleting the app we use to communicate since we are only friends now he can just text me if he wants to contact me like all my other friends do. He said no don't delete the app but I did anyway, I feel like it's always been a way for him to keep the door ajar in case he decides he's ready to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 2, 2016 Author Share Posted November 2, 2016 Also he kept saying why can't we just be friends! I'm still here for you I don't understand why you are so upset. I just can't do the physical intimacy but I'll be here for you emotionally like a friend. How does he expect me to just go from the level of closeness we had to friend zone status? After four years.. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Savannah, at this point your pain is entirely on you. You are free to walk away at any time and I hope you stick to it this time. You can't be angry at him..he's only treating you the way you've taught him to treat you. Stop blaming him and getting upset with him and ask yourself why you allow this to keep happening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Savannah, at this point your pain is entirely on you. You are free to walk away at any time and I hope you stick to it this time. You can't be angry at him..he's only treating you the way you've taught him to treat you. Stop blaming him and getting upset with him and ask yourself why you allow this to keep happening. Dead On. ^^ Your MM is giving you the breadcrumbs we all warn others about. "Let's end this affair, but let's be friends. We need to part ways, but don't delete the app." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 I swear your MM says the same things as mine. Identical, unnerving. I hope you find the strength to let it go and walk away. You deserve so much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 I think he is just saying that now cos he is having some phantom twist in his mind but he will come back for more once his erratic mind state settles. Its like clockwork You shouldnt let him though. Cut him off completely would be the best course of action 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 (((savannah))) I know you're in pain. Hang in there - it will get better. Please go into 100% permanent NC now. Any breadcrumbs, being "friends" or scaling the affair down will just heap further pain and frustration on you and delay your recovery. Take his power away from him and have nothing more to do with him. The "let's be friends" thing is a classic tactic for keeping the door open, preparing you for a "breadcrumbs" relationship and also to ease his guilt and not make him out to be the bad guy. You are worth so much more and you are amongst friends here. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 He told me on Friday that we have to just be friends nothing more. He felt he had to do the right thing and choose this affair or his family. So he appilogozrd for the pain he has caused me and told me I am an amazing human being. I laughed and said I'm such an amazing human being that you are walking away from me and our relationship? I said I am deleting the app we use to communicate since we are only friends now he can just text me if he wants to contact me like all my other friends do. He said no don't delete the app but I did anyway, I feel like it's always been a way for him to keep the door ajar in case he decides he's ready to come back. I heard you get a little bit angry here. GOOD!!! Get pissed! You've been submissive too long. Get angry about the way you've been treated (and allowed yourself to be treated)!!! Don't just delete the app, block his number from your phone! Go on some dates, get a makeover. Do YOU now. You've wasted four years on a loser. Leave him in your dust and start your new life now. A new life where you don't allow yourself to be second to ANYONE You have it in you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Share Posted November 12, 2016 I feel so angry that he could just decide he is fine with this after five years. He said he can't do it anymore and things are much better in his marriage and he means it this time. He gets to go home and be good husband and she has no idea what he has been doing all this time. And I'm crippled and hurting. I want to send her some anonymous note saying your husband is a liar and a cheater. I want her to know that why he is home right now playing good husband, he has left me in pieces. She has no idea that he's been with me almost five years now. Link to post Share on other sites
Iaminnocentgul Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 She should know. He cannot play around. Why we should other man or woman suffer.. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I feel so angry that he could just decide he is fine with this after five years. He said he can't do it anymore and things are much better in his marriage and he means it this time. He gets to go home and be good husband and she has no idea what he has been doing all this time. And I'm crippled and hurting. I want to send her some anonymous note saying your husband is a liar and a cheater. I want her to know that why he is home right now playing good husband, he has left me in pieces. She has no idea that he's been with me almost five years now. I understand the need for the wife to know but why now? Is been 5 years with him. Are you telling because he left you and is working it out with his wife? What if he still wanted to continue the affair, would you still tell his wife? Am not being judgmental. I just want to understand why now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 OP It does seems cruel the way this often plays out. Your xMM gets to walk away free and clear and the BS is none the wiser. Think about your motivation though are you suddenly feeling guilty for what you did in terms of impacting their marriage? Or are out for revenge? Both perspectives are simply how you feel, no judgment here. With a momentary reflection do you really believe any communication would be anonymous won't he be able to follow the trail back to you and could he impact your personal life in a profound way if he chooses to counter your actions with actions of his own. What you are feeling is gut-wrenching do you want to possibly add to the pain? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Share Posted November 12, 2016 I'm hurt. I feel rejected, and he just gets to carry on with her with no consequences. Honestly I feel he will do it again with someone else. I don't think. All of a sudden he learned his lesson. He has certain avoidance and personality characteristics that make him vulnerable and I don't believe all the problems in his marriage are suddenly gone. They go through good patches and really bad ones and I don't see that changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 All that may be true but his marriage is none of your business. Let him deal with his own mess and you move forward taking care of you. You deserve happiness too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I'm hurt. I feel rejected, and he just gets to carry on with her with no consequences. Honestly I feel he will do it again with someone else. I don't think. All of a sudden he learned his lesson. He has certain avoidance and personality characteristics that make him vulnerable and I don't believe all the problems in his marriage are suddenly gone. They go through good patches and really bad ones and I don't see that changing. I felt the same way before. I would tell. Just one thing though, chances are she already knows/suspects and is being a doormat by ignoring it to keep the image intact. Link to post Share on other sites
notmyselfnow Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Yes, tell her. And, it's patently obvious you're doing it out of anger and hurt, and not out of any real concern for her, but you know what? That doesn't matter. As a BW myself, I am so utterly and completely glad that someone had the guts to tell me what was going on. The thought of living a lie for so many years makes me physically ill. It was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me, but I am so glad I know. Moreover, he is putting her in physical danger - in all likelihood he is not practicing safe sex. She deserves to know. Tell her. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 This whole thing is like being a snake charmer, you're happy bouncing around making money by getting the snake to dance, but once the snake bits you, you can't be upset with the snake. It's the inevitable outcome set from the very beginning. You outing him doesn't make your journey easier, it's not going to force him back with you. And there is a very good chance he can and will talk himself out of it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Send independently verifiable evidence without adding emotional content and let it go. I will go out on a limb and guarantee you permanent silence will result. Then you can heal and move on. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Seems the OW only want the wife to know after they get dumped. I understand the anger but it's none of your business anymore what their marriage is or isn't or if he lies to her. You're just trying to find a way to keep in the drama, keep him in your life, and you hope that it will drive him out of the marriage and back to you Which it won't. It will only prolong your pain and suffering. Take a deep breath and start focusing on fixing YOU. All that other stuff is just a distraction from working on yourself and getting yourself HEALTHY. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Also, a lot of the time the BS, wanting to save her marriage or save face, blames the OW while forgiving her cheating husband. If you live in a small town or have mutual friends keep that in mind. It will be all about how you, the whole, seduced her poor husband. Protect yourself. It is frustrating because if I were BS I would want to know but as OW feel it is a bad idea to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
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