Death of a good friend, just can't handle it

[startinganew777]

I had a really good friend pass away a week ago. We had been friends for several years, best friends, me, her and another friend were always together, did everything together, went on trips, everything. She unfortunately was an alcoholic. She struggled off and on for several years.

 

 

I saw her about a month ago and we had lunch and talked for like 4 hours! She seemed like she was doing great, was happy and content and going to AA and church and staying away from drinking. We were actually planning on running a 5K together here soon.

 

 

So, I find out from FB, last week that she died. A family member of hers posted RIP. I was hurt, angry, confused, shocked all at the same time. WTF?! They couldn't notify close friends before posting on her FB page! She had just died hours before this post. I immediately send a message to her ex husbands brother asking about it because I assumed the ex husband was probably destroyed from this news. They have two kids under 10 together. He didn't even know!! And they were still close!

 

 

Anyways, no one is telling us anything. What happened, how she died, when the funeral is. All we were told was that it was alcohol related. But there are also rumors of foul play involving her new boyfriend she met a month earlier and already lived with. We all feel frustrated and hurt the family isn't sharing anything with us. I know they need their privacy to grieve but we were close with her too! Don't we have a right to know or say goodbye! Last I heard, they were cremating her body this Thursday, over a week later from her death and possibly a private service this weekend. But that was a rumor.

 

 

How can I get closure and try and get over this if I don't know anything! This is driving me crazy. And why is it taking over a week to get her cremated? Was there an investigation, autopsy, I don't know. She was only 39 years old. I'm just so sad and feel like I'm living a nightmare as I'm sure her family is too but the not knowing what is going on and if I will be able to say goodbye to her is killing me! How will I ever get over this?!!

[noski]

I am sorry for your loss.

Do you have her close family contacts ?If so maybe try contacting them to first for condolences .

 

Death of a loved one is always unbearable .The first stage is denial but to grieve properly I guess you have to feel it ,feel the pain in order to let it go did you tell family about it ?or a close in person friend so they can support you ,so that can express the pain you are feeling,crying really .

 

There is no closure from death .All you can do is remember the good times you spent together ,not the one day she passed.Are you a religious person?Do you pray ?If yes,pray for her to rest in peace ...

I think at this stage ,try not focusing on the fact that you have been notified a week later or something because there is nothing you can do about it .Maybe everybody was just so shocked and in pain that they didn't tell you .I guess ,try getting in touch with someone who could tell you more about it and talk to them ,it might help.

 

 

 

Really sorry again .

 

Ps:Facebook is the worst,I always find out things like these on fcb even when I don't know the person ,someone will just post a picture of the deceased person etc etc .I really dislike that part of facebook ...

[startinganew777]

Several people have asked their family about what happened, services, ect. They won't answer anyone. All of us are left in the dark. We are told alcohol related but just found out she was cremated and they are all catholic. I guess in the catholic religion, they do not like cremation unless there was a specific reason for it. No open casket? Now I'm really wondering either suicide or foul play. I don't know why they are being so secretive about everything. It hurts and makes all us friends feel like we don't even matter. :-(

[noski]

Several people have asked their family about what happened, services, ect. They won't answer anyone. All of us are left in the dark. We are told alcohol related but just found out she was cremated and they are all catholic. I guess in the catholic religion, they do not like cremation unless there was a specific reason for it. No open casket? Now I'm really wondering either suicide or foul play. I don't know why they are being so secretive about everything. It hurts and makes all us friends feel like we don't even matter. :-(

 

I wouldn't know because I am not catholic .

I understand your pain and I 'm really sorry about it .I wish you could contact someone who could tell you more about it (the person who posted about it on facebook ?),maybe they will get back to you later.They also need privacy at this stage I guess .I am not sure why they are secretive about it ,unsual.

[Tayla]

Sorry to hear of this loss. You sound like a caring friend.

 

The Catholic church does not dishonor a person who is cremated. Unsure how you drew that conclusion.

 

Alcohol related could be a multiple of events. A drunk driver hit her. She slipped in the kitchen where some cooking wine had fallen to the floor.

Until you know...it's hearsay..and speculation.

 

If you were so close you have avenues to reach out and get the memorial details. Most newspapers carry the obits. Start there.

 

I can't imagine the sorrow the family is enduring....it's sad to lose a loved one.

[preraph]

Wait a couple weeks and see if there is any police report you can pay for a copy of. Maybe things will come out in the open at the funeral and around that time, too. I'm very sorry you lost a good friend.

[Methodical]

As hurtful as it is, perhaps the family is keeping silent because revealing details could potentially tarnish the way others viewed their loved one or could spawn rumors they would rather not deal with, especially if your friend had seemingly turned a corner and then backslid.

 

Your pain is evident in your post. Sorry for your loss. Once the family has had time to process their loss and general curiosity seekers (not you) vanish, maybe her family will open up more.

[amaysngrace]

Can't you message whoever posted the initial announcement on FB and express your condolences in hopes to find out more information surrounding her death?

 

I understand your frustration and I'm sorry for your loss but if something happened that could disparage her reputation to her young children then it'd probably be best for you to respect their silence rather than demanding answers.

 

I know that you were her friend for four years but I don't know if that gives you the right to overstep your place in all of this. Maybe I read your post wrong and I hope I have because it seems as though you are angry and could have possibly already overstepped a boundary or two.

 

I hope that you understand that you aren't the only one going through the loss of your friend. Some little kids no longer have a mother.

 

Anyway I hope it all works out. For everyone.

[startinganew777]

The person who originally announced it posted it in Spanish. she doesn't speak English. FB has that translate button and I tried sending her a message but she never responded because she can't understand me.

 

 

And we have been friends for probably over 10 years. Not sure where you got 4 years from. Her family knew me. It isn't like I'm a stranger to them. They are being super secretive about it all. Everyone, and I mean everyone knew my friend was an alcoholic so it isn't a secret how she lived her life.

 

 

I didn't overstep my boundaries and how dare you say that. She was a good friend and I think I deserve to know what happened to her. I haven't even asked her family straight up what happened other than the person who originally posted it and she can't understand english. Other close friends have and told me they are not responding. I haven't done anything wrong. I just want to know what the hell is going on. And yes, I'm angry. So what. I'm all sorts of things. I don't know how to feel. What is wrong with being angry too? Angry she is gone and now her kids don't have a mother. Angry that she was cremated and I couldn't see her one last time. How dare you tell me feeling angry is wrong. And yes, I know I'm not the only one suffering a loss. I'm not an idiot. But when it comes to her close friends, we are left in the dark and struggling with that as well as her death.

Edited November 1, 2016 by startinganew777

[startinganew777]

Sorry to hear of this loss. You sound like a caring friend.

 

The Catholic church does not dishonor a person who is cremated. Unsure how you drew that conclusion.

 

Alcohol related could be a multiple of events. A drunk driver hit her. She slipped in the kitchen where some cooking wine had fallen to the floor.

Until you know...it's hearsay..and speculation.

 

If you were so close you have avenues to reach out and get the memorial details. Most newspapers carry the obits. Start there.

 

I can't imagine the sorrow the family is enduring....it's sad to lose a loved one.

 

 

I wasn't sure about the catholic reference. A friend of mine told me they strongly recommend burial of the body over cremation, unless there are specific reasons to cremate. I'm not sure though because I'm not catholic. I was just going off what she told me.

[Timshel]

But when it comes to her close friends, we are left in the dark and struggling with that as well as her death.

 

I am sorry for your pain startinganew.

 

Have your own Memorial with her friends. You do not know what happened and are in shock and grief stricken. Time will give you answers but for now, you need to mourn her loss and remember her with love.

 

You and her other friends know how to do this...you know how to remember her and how to help each other let her go. Do this, for yourself and her.

 

The other answers will come in time, as difficult as that is.

[startinganew777]

I am sorry for your pain startinganew.

 

Have your own Memorial with her friends. You do not know what happened and are in shock and grief stricken. Time will give you answers but for now, you need to mourn her loss and remember her with love.

 

You and her other friends know how to do this...you know how to remember her and how to help each other let her go. Do this, for yourself and her.

 

The other answers will come in time, as difficult as that is.

 

Thanks Timshel. Her close friends and I are meeting at her favorite restaurant tonight to exchange pictures and stories. Hopefully that brings us some peace. Sick of feeling like I'm stuck in this nightmare.

[Timshel]

It is like a nightmare to lose someone we love, yes it is. This is very new, this will take time to sort, be patient with your self and emotions around this. Also, others. It seems every person who loves her is in shock.

 

She has a part of you and always will, I hope that is a comfort to you...I'm so sorry.

[alphamale]

her family's first priority is taking care of business, notification of non-family members is secondary

[noski]

The person who originally announced it posted it in Spanish. she doesn't speak English. FB has that translate button and I tried sending her a message but she never responded because she can't understand me.

 

 

And we have been friends for probably over 10 years. Not sure where you got 4 years from. Her family knew me. It isn't like I'm a stranger to them. They are being super secretive about it all. Everyone, and I mean everyone knew my friend was an alcoholic so it isn't a secret how she lived her life.

 

 

I didn't overstep my boundaries and how dare you say that. She was a good friend and I think I deserve to know what happened to her. I haven't even asked her family straight up what happened other than the person who originally posted it and she can't understand english. Other close friends have and told me they are not responding. I haven't done anything wrong. I just want to know what the hell is going on. And yes, I'm angry. So what. I'm all sorts of things. I don't know how to feel. What is wrong with being angry too? Angry she is gone and now her kids don't have a mother. Angry that she was cremated and I couldn't see her one last time. How dare you tell me feeling angry is wrong. And yes, I know I'm not the only one suffering a loss. I'm not an idiot. But when it comes to her close friends, we are left in the dark and struggling with that as well as her death.

 

You sound very angry ,I understand your feeling,please take a deep breathe and maybe go see a friend and tell them in person so that they can support you,maybe try feeling the pain,crying it out because anger is a toxic emotion and won't help you move forward

I suggest try google translation or reverso or something ,you just have to say something short ,present condolences and ask what you need to ask.

I mean I studied Spanish even though I did not really practice but If you want send me a private what you would like to say in Spanish to the poster and I will do what I can with what I learned in Spanish and all that If you want of course .

Really sorry again for your loss,stay strong .

Edited November 1, 2016 by noski

[Standard-Fare]

I understand your frustration in not having the full story. I'm sure you will have more information eventually, esp. if you are as close with this friend as you indicate. Surely there will be a mutual contact (maybe her ex-husband? or another shared friend) who will be privy to the truth and willing to share at some point.

 

If I were you, I know I'd be looking for the official printed obituary. I'd also be scouring news stories to see if the friend's name came up. Neither of those methods are likely to give you the answers you're seeking, but it's a start.

 

Additionally, you might want to try getting someone to translate an inquiry for you that you can send to the Spanish-speaking family member you mentioned on Facebook.

[Timshel]

her family's first priority is taking care of business, notification of non-family members is secondary

 

Agree with alpha. After my husband died, I took care of my kids, home, work but I was not ok.

 

Though his death wasn't sudden, many people in his life thought he would be cured and were astounded, surprised.

 

Anyway, I received an invitation in the mail for my husband's memorial service from his 'friends.'

 

Don't go there, remember your friend as your friend would want to be remembered.

 

Love does not die and death is for the living...your friend is at peace.

[startinganew777]

I did find her obit. All it said was the day she was born, the day she died and what city she was a resident of. That was it. No mention of her family members, service or anything.

 

I did find out she was already cremated so there will be no visitation. I also just heard that her shady boyfriend told someone she mixed her anxiety pill (xanax) with alcohol. Not sure if was an accident or intentional.

[jen1447]

Do you live in the states? If you're really desperate for info you could FOIA the medical examiner's report (if her death was at all suspicious, there probably is one) and/or police reports, tho they'll be heavily redacted if you get them at all.

 

(Hugs), it's a crappy thing.

[startinganew777]

I live in missouri. I can get a police report even though I'm not family?

[jen1447]

You can try.

 

Public Records Request - Missouri State Highway Patrol

 

Missouri Sample FOIA Request | Missouri FOIA Request | NFOIC

 

The medical examiner's office would be a county-based thing, so you'd have to search for FOIA contacts for your county. (FOIA is 'Freedom of Information Act' btw.)

 

One thing to bear in mind is that it's possible whatever authority you're appealing to would notify your friend's next of kin that you're inquiring.

[rester]

I did find her obit. All it said was the day she was born, the day she died and what city she was a resident of. That was it. No mention of her family members, service or anything.

 

I did find out she was already cremated so there will be no visitation. I also just heard that her shady boyfriend told someone she mixed her anxiety pill (xanax) with alcohol. Not sure if was an accident or intentional.

 

Sorry for your loss. The way you found out was not ideal, to say the least. Sometimes people like to be the first person with "news" and spread things around when they shouldn't. Posting it on facebook was an insensitive thing for that person to do. My mother once sent me an email telling me a friend of mine died. I was 25 and read the email in the morning at work. I was so angry at her.

 

As far as the cause of death or any answers you may seek, I suggest you get used to the idea of never knowing. It may come in time, but if it were a drug or alcohol overdose, it will probably never be spoken of and it would be disrespectful to continue prying if answers are not given. I've experienced this quite a few times myself with the deaths of friends from my home town. There has never been answers.

 

Once again, sorry for your loss.

 

I live in missouri. I can get a police report even though I'm not family?

 

Honestly, I suggest you don't pry like this. Respect the family's wishes for privacy. It's clear that is what they want at the moment.

Edited November 2, 2016 by rester

[Standard-Fare]

OP, how close/comfortable are you with your friend's ex-husband? Of all people, I'm sure he will get the full story since it involves the mother of his children.

 

If you're comfortable reaching out to him, you should do so - after respectfully allowing him some proper time to process this.