The gift that keeps on giving

[aileD]

Most of you know my story.

 

H had an affair for year and a half (off and on/back and forth).

 

We went thru hell. We are reconciling now and things are going pretty well so far, although we are still quite early in our recovery.

 

I just wanted to share a weird thing that this affair has caused for me. Not sure if anyone can help because it's more a personal thing but it's just an example of the damage that affairs do and how they're the "gift" that keeps on giving.

 

My H chose to have an affair with a girl who has the same name as my new niece. ( My niece came first- she's 2 -1/2)

 

I can't bring myself to say my nieces name ....sometimes I do but never in front of H. She has a nickname and it's the same as OW nickname. I just can't bring myself to say the name around my H because of all the crap.

 

I call my niece "the baby"--which is getting old since she is growing, and various other cutesy nicknames. Or just "my niece" which is stupid when talking to someone who's her uncle as well.

 

Andi know every time I do it, it's not preventing H from associating the two because the nicknames are just like the big elephant in the room.

 

He has asked me before (but during the a) if that's why I don't say my nieces name....I said yes and he said he honestly does not put the two together in his mind. That they are different people obviously and he doesn't think of her when we talk of our neice. I babysit her weekly so she is always around

 

But I can't seem to get by it. I don't know why. I also cringe when H says my nieces name.

 

Affairs are damaging. Don't have them

Save

Edited November 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo ~T

[cocorico]

 

H had an affair for year and a half (off and on/back and forth).

 

 

Do you feel the same way about the name of the other woman he left you for the first time, or is it just his most recent OW's name that is a problem for you?

 

If you're OK with the previous OW's name, chances are time will settle your problems with this most recent OW's name.

 

If it's that much of an issue, why not coin your own nickname for your niece?

[heartwhole]

I think this is one of those things that only time can abate.

 

My husband met the OW in another city on a trip with friends, and had the PA there with her when he returned for a business trip (she had to fly halfway across the world both times). When I see a reference to that city, I feel disgusted, panicky, etc. WH has issues with that city too as he used to visit his clients there every quarter and it's been nearly two years since he's been.

 

As we approach the two year mark, I finally feel that maybe a city is just a city. We're contemplating a trip there as a family over the holidays. I mean, are we just going to avoid a major city for the rest of our lives or are we going to reclaim it and face it together?

 

All this is to say that as long as you are doing the work and openly communicating with your spouse, then I think the only thing that really removes the sting is time. Just try not to let the affair affect your relationship with your niece because it's not her fault in any way that she has the same name. I wonder if choosing to say it out loud the next time you see her will help. Associate the name with a cute two year old, not your husband's infidelity.

[gettingstronger]

YES! Our OWs name is also a spice/garnish-I never say the name of the spice/garnish- which is a pain since it goes with sushi and we eat sushi at least once a week- I usually say, "want some of this stuff?"- makes me feel really silly that I can not utter the word-

[Midwestmissy]

Lol. I hear her name all the time, it's common, like she is. I can guarantee you, it makes my husband a heck of a lot more uncomfortable than it does me. I think time will help, i actually shake my head smiling at how her name gets thrown in my wh face so often, and so randomly. We live far away from her now, so it's just a common Irish name coincidence.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Most of you know my story.

 

H had an affair for year and a half (off and on/back and forth).

 

We went thru hell. We are reconciling now and things are going pretty well so far, although we are still quite early in our recovery.

 

I just wanted to share a weird thing that this affair has caused for me. Not sure if anyone can help because it's more a personal thing but it's just an example of the damage that affairs do and how they're the "gift" that keeps on giving.

 

My H chose to have an affair with a girl who has the same name as my new niece. ( My niece came first- she's 2 -1/2)

 

I can't bring myself to say my nieces name ....sometimes I do but never in front of H. She has a nickname and it's the same as OW nickname. I just can't bring myself to say the name around my H because of all the crap.

 

I call my niece "the baby"--which is getting old since she is growing, and various other cutesy nicknames. Or just "my niece" which is stupid when talking to someone who's her uncle as well.

 

Andi know every time I do it, it's not preventing H from associating the two because the nicknames are just like the big elephant in the room.

 

He has asked me before (but during the a) if that's why I don't say my nieces name....I said yes and he said he honestly does not put the two together in his mind. That they are different people obviously and he doesn't think of her when we talk of our neice. I babysit her weekly so she is always around

 

But I can't seem to get by it. I don't know why. I also cringe when H says my nieces name.

 

Affairs are damaging. Don't have them

Save

 

I had an affair...two years later my husband had a revenge affair...with a woman has shares MY NAME.

 

Can you give your niece a cute little nickname that is very special to you and then will be special to her? for example...I have ALWAYS called my granddaughter lil bit..... she is now 16....and she is still my lil bit....and refers to herself that way...only to me. Perhaps if you have a pet name for her...your husband will also refer to her with that name...especially if you discuss this with him and he is aware it cause you to trigger.

 

Also...it gets better sweetheart....hang in there.

[waterwoman]

OW has a name I dislike anyway so it hasn't tainted anything important for me! One of the characters in a TV program that H watches used to have this name and it irritated me every time I heard it. I found myself saying it with an involuntary sneer on my face until I gave myself a good talking to! Just a name.

 

However I think creating a special nickname for your niece would be good.

[katielee]

I have about 6-8 girls in my "possy" and three of them share the same name. And you guessed it - it's the same as OW1. There is no way around not using it. I just dove in and used it all the time and things got better. Same way with the town we live in. Some would be triggered by their WS returning to the affair town. Well we live here. I just don't think about it anymore. So, time makes it better.

Additionally, my AP's name is my BIL's and probably the most common male name in the US. Hubby just got used to it.

My suggestion is to use it all the time and the sting will go away. Hugs!

[aileD]

Do you feel the same way about the name of the other woman he left you for the first time, or is it just his most recent OW's name that is a problem for you?

 

If you're OK with the previous OW's name, chances are time will settle your problems with this most recent OW's name.

 

If it's that much of an issue, why not coin your own nickname for your niece?

 

 

A little. I had a friend with the same name as the first one but we don't talk much anymore and her name is uncommon and the first OW has passed away.

 

This OWs name is extremely popular and common with a common nickname.

 

I have been using cute nicknames for my niece so I know I can continue with that it just gets awkward when talking to other people.

 

I know time is probably the best healer.

[aileD]

YES! Our OWs name is also a spice/garnish-I never say the name of the spice/garnish- which is a pain since it goes with sushi and we eat sushi at least once a week- I usually say, "want some of this stuff?"- makes me feel really silly that I can not utter the word-

 

Ew. I hate that name/spice/garnish/root.

[aileD]

I had an affair...two years later my husband had a revenge affair...with a woman has shares MY NAME.

 

Can you give your niece a cute little nickname that is very special to you and then will be special to her? for example...I have ALWAYS called my granddaughter lil bit..... she is now 16....and she is still my lil bit....and refers to herself that way...only to me. Perhaps if you have a pet name for her...your husband will also refer to her with that name...especially if you discuss this with him and he is aware it cause you to trigger.

 

Also...it gets better sweetheart....hang in there.

 

Oh my god that would be awful! The same name as you? I was pissed at my husband for not only having an affair but choosing someone with that name. If he chose someone with MY name (very uncommon), I think I would have run him over with my car.

 

I think it's probably time . I do have nicknames for my niece but everyone else calls her by name.

 

It is what it is i guess.

 

Triggers suck. I get angry/annoyed every time I drive by the exit to her town On the highway. Also, every time I see the same make/model vehicle as hers. Any reference to a certain island or type of ethnic food (which is SO GOOD! According to H).

 

He's having trouble with them too, as he's tying to forget her but it's slow going because she used to work for him so her memos and name are all over all the accounts at work, and he has to drive by about 20 places they used to go to hide from me every day and her damn mother still works below him. It's in his face every day. He absolutely hates being at work. He's always afraid he will run into the mom in the hallway, or that OW will be in the parking lot when he walks out. He goes to work early and works 10 hour days so he can get out early and home and get all his hours in before Friday so he doesn't have to work on Friday--Friday is OW day off and she would always show up at his work then so he doesn't want to be anywhere near there on Fridays. H and I do talk about this and he's actively trying to look at his triggers differently. Example- instead of thinking "oh this is the parking lot where me and OW shared that special moment"....he is telling himself to look at it in terms of our marriage and me and is now saying "this is the parking lot where I deceived my wife while she was home caring for our kids and making me dinner"...it's helping but it's still a negative feeling associated with the place. Agghhh. Triggers suck

 

He can't get another job right now, but we plan on moving once our kids finish school.

 

Hoping time and healing will help.

[cocorico]

Ew. I hate that name/spice/garnish/root.

 

Who names their kid "wasabi" anyway?

[NotCamelot]

I thought I was the only one with this problem. I also felt like it was silly or petty of me to have this kind of issue.

 

 

But I never ever say the name of my wife's AP......and it has been almost 5 years. I find that I hate the name no matter who it is attached to. And hearing someone say the name, in life or on TV/Movies, just immediately brings up a memory which has really been fading.

 

 

I don't know that I will ever be OK with saying or hearing that name. Time will tell. But until then, at least I am not feeling like it is just me.

 

 

Thanks for sharing. Good luck with your continuing recovery.

[aileD]

I thought I was the only one with this problem. I also felt like it was silly or petty of me to have this kind of issue.

 

 

But I never ever say the name of my wife's AP......and it has been almost 5 years. I find that I hate the name no matter who it is attached to. And hearing someone say the name, in life or on TV/Movies, just immediately brings up a memory which has really been fading.

 

 

I don't know that I will ever be OK with saying or hearing that name. Time will tell. But until then, at least I am not feeling like it is just me.

 

 

Thanks for sharing. Good luck with your continuing recovery.

 

Thanks and you too.

[Joie]

I share a name with my husband's exOW. Let me tell you, that was a super fun bit of news. Lucky for me she goes by a ridiculous version of our name so I don't have to hear it that often.

 

However, I saw a text where she referred to MY children by the nickname I use for them. That sent me off the deep end. I should send her the bill for the $150 I spent in counseling yelling at my husband for that one. LOL!

[aileD]

I share a name with my husband's exOW. Let me tell you, that was a super fun bit of news. Lucky for me she goes by a ridiculous version of our name so I don't have to hear it that often.

 

However, I saw a text where she referred to MY children by the nickname I use for them. That sent me off the deep end. I should send her the bill for the $150 I spent in counseling yelling at my husband for that one. LOL!

 

 

Oh yeah. One time when I confronted OW she called me by MY nickname. Now my name is VERY unusual. Most of my family and friends call me by my nickname but people I don't know well or work people always use my full name.

 

My nickname came out of her mouth and I knew it was because H had referred to me that way. I told her don't ever call me that, my name is aileD. She actually apologized lol.

 

I hated when my kids names came out of her mouth.

[eye of the storm]

The OW my xH left me for (she wasn't the first, she was the first I found out about and was, I thought, my best friend) has a semi common name. I still can't hear it with out tensing up. My cousin even dated a girl on the other side of the country by that name and I told him (jokingly) that she or her name had to go. Fortunately, they broke up later for unrelated reasons.

 

My MM's BS and I share the same name. Which I am sure she was thrilled to find out.

 

Allie, I am sorry the name keeps staring you in the face. It will get easier. Your love for your niece will take back that name. It will just take time.

[Whoknew30]

I think it's weird how you don't associate the name to your niece vs the other way around. So you're making your niece (a child) pay the price for your H's affair?

 

Honestly it's extremely silly. I'd have a bigger problem with saying my H name vs my niece if I were you. Your niece doesn't deserve a nickname from you strictly based on bc H screw up...you have way bigger fish to fry in your life than an innocent little girl's name. I think it's completely disrespectful to your niece that you're making her part of your marital issues.

[Lion Heart]

alieD, how long is it since your D Day?

 

You realize that this "name" is a trigger. Right? Sorry if I'm pointing out the obvious but it's a point for your healing.

 

You can do a search for all surrounding Healing from triggers etc but the best solution to get the triggers OUT of MY life has been to go through them.

 

I noticed the other day that THAT name rolled of my tongue in reference to someone else at work. It was 2 days before I realized that the name didn't trigger anything except a giggle from me 2 days later.

I laughed because I'm free.

 

It's serendipitous you started this thread because my 11yo daughter told me last night that she freaked out when she heard her Scripture Teacher's name. It was a different OW to the A one (who was a Scripture teacher at my children's school).

 

But MY DAUGHTER freaking out. Triggering.

She was in TEARS.

 

Almost 2y since our D Day from the name J.

Just over a year since the F name lol.

 

Sorry guys if this offends anybody but I turned it ALL into comedy.

 

During the post D Day times I made up "Jump my bones J". "F me F" and "T f me on the fence (her last name beginning with F" WH had built her a fence for sex.

 

By 1y out from finding out. I was fine with all the names and the names don't trigger me any more at all.

 

AVOIDING them is still a triggering experience.

USING them relentlessly in a phrase with Alliteration is LOTS of fun actually!!!

 

And it sure SEPARATES THAT OW's name by descriptive language lol.

 

I'm divorcing. Yay!

 

WH on the other hand I've had alot of trouble with until 5 weeks ago. His name is EVERYWHERE and there are practitioners I see with his name etc. I actually call him little p now.

 

DURING my recovery I used both the 1st name & surname of other Ps. That worked really well but after a while I realized that the PRACTISE of using the surname was still a reminder.

 

To dispel the association of ALL p names, I used Alliteration with WH p lol.

Procrastinating p (because he apparently still loved me but I believe was only procrastinating D for more of my property). There you go. Another one "Property Pouncing p"

ahhhh too much fun.

 

AlieD READING CHUMP LADY was the only thing that got me through some days.

It turns the horror into humour.

Which is all they're worth.

If that.

It's not a site that instills RESPECT for cheating spouses. But then again IMHO they don't deserve any.

 

SEE HOW YOUR WH can compartmentalize???

By using your niece's name no problem?

 

It's THAT that really REALLY GOT TO ME after D Day.

WH could laugh his head off at anything. Whilst I sat there unable to even smile.

I was devastated while he was on a lark.

 

Indeed the smile is on the other side of his face now.

 

But in your case alieD it all boils down to YOU healing YOURSELF.

 

I WOULD USE my niece's name OFTEN AND pointedly if I were you.

When a person hears their name spoken by a person who loves them. It's the sweetest sound to them.

 

Your NIECE shouldn't also be a victim of WHs affairs.

She should be able to HEAR her aunty say her name, with love and affection.

 

Eff WH for causing this.

It's up to you how you REBUILD the shattered life.

 

FORGE AHEAD BRAVELY.

Cast off ALL EFFECTS of WHs affairs as fast as you can.

 

WH and any OW are not worth it IMHO.

 

Lion Heart

[aileD]

I think it's weird how you don't associate the name to your niece vs the other way around. So you're making your niece (a child) pay the price for your H's affair?

 

Honestly it's extremely silly. I'd have a bigger problem with saying my H name vs my niece if I were you. Your niece doesn't deserve a nickname from you strictly based on bc H screw up...you have way bigger fish to fry in your life than an innocent little girl's name. I think it's completely disrespectful to your niece that you're making her part of your marital issues.

 

It's ok, I respect your opinion. I wouldn't expect an OW to understand anyway.

 

I'm in no way disrespecting my niece. This is my problem and it doesn't affect her at all.

[Lion Heart]

YES! Our OWs name is also a spice/garnish-I never say the name of the spice/garnish- which is a pain since it goes with sushi and we eat sushi at least once a week- I usually say, "want some of this stuff?"- makes me feel really silly that I can not utter the word-

 

 

LOL the OWs name is WASABI? Yes I'd be alliterating THAT one for sure.

 

You have to just SMASH that name out of your mouth at any given opportunity to get rid of its "IMPORTANCE" because in all reality it's NOT the NAME.

 

It's the ACT that's caused the pain. NOTE past tense.

 

LH

[Lion Heart]

I think it's weird how you don't associate the name to your niece vs the other way around. So you're making your niece (a child) pay the price for your H's affair?

 

Honestly it's extremely silly. I'd have a bigger problem with saying my H name vs my niece if I were you. Your niece doesn't deserve a nickname from you strictly based on bc H screw up...you have way bigger fish to fry in your life than an innocent little girl's name. I think it's completely disrespectful to your niece that you're making her part of your marital issues.

 

I agree with most of that here from WK30 except your INTENTION of disrespect towards your niece AlieD.

 

WK30 also eludes to the bigger problem. MUCH bigger.

WH AFFAIR.

 

The anger towards OWs, even for USING your name or your children's names. ANYTHING she knew about you all, ALL CAME FROM WH.

 

EVERY single thing any OWs knew ALL came from WH.

 

If HE hadn't had the affair then NONE of that would have happened.

 

I'd be angry with WH for everything! Lol. Indeed I was.

 

IT'S ALL ON HIM.

 

LH

[aileD]

alieD, how long is it since your D Day?

 

You realize that this "name" is a trigger. Right? Sorry if I'm pointing out the obvious but it's a point for your healing.

 

You can do a search for all surrounding Healing from triggers etc but the best solution to get the triggers OUT of MY life has been to go through them.

 

I noticed the other day that THAT name rolled of my tongue in reference to someone else at work. It was 2 days before I realized that the name didn't trigger anything except a giggle from me 2 days later.

I laughed because I'm free.

 

It's serendipitous you started this thread because my 11yo daughter told me last night that she freaked out when she heard her Scripture Teacher's name. It was a different OW to the A one (who was a Scripture teacher at my children's school).

 

But MY DAUGHTER freaking out. Triggering.

She was in TEARS.

 

Almost 2y since our D Day from the name J.

Just over a year since the F name lol.

 

Sorry guys if this offends anybody but I turned it ALL into comedy.

 

During the post D Day times I made up "Jump my bones J". "F me F" and "T f me on the fence (her last name beginning with F" WH had built her a fence for sex.

 

By 1y out from finding out. I was fine with all the names and the names don't trigger me any more at all.

 

AVOIDING them is still a triggering experience.

USING them relentlessly in a phrase with Alliteration is LOTS of fun actually!!!

 

And it sure SEPARATES THAT OW's name by descriptive language lol.

 

I'm divorcing. Yay!

 

WH on the other hand I've had alot of trouble with until 5 weeks ago. His name is EVERYWHERE and there are practitioners I see with his name etc. I actually call him little p now.

 

DURING my recovery I used both the 1st name & surname of other Ps. That worked really well but after a while I realized that the PRACTISE of using the surname was still a reminder.

 

To dispel the association of ALL p names, I used Alliteration with WH p lol.

Procrastinating p (because he apparently still loved me but I believe was only procrastinating D for more of my property). There you go. Another one "Property Pouncing p"

ahhhh too much fun.

 

AlieD READING CHUMP LADY was the only thing that got me through some days.

It turns the horror into humour.

Which is all they're worth.

If that.

It's not a site that instills RESPECT for cheating spouses. But then again IMHO they don't deserve any.

 

SEE HOW YOUR WH can compartmentalize???

By using your niece's name no problem?

 

It's THAT that really REALLY GOT TO ME after D Day.

WH could laugh his head off at anything. Whilst I sat there unable to even smile.

I was devastated while he was on a lark.

 

Indeed the smile is on the other side of his face now.

 

But in your case alieD it all boils down to YOU healing YOURSELF.

 

I WOULD USE my niece's name OFTEN AND pointedly if I were you.

When a person hears their name spoken by a person who loves them. It's the sweetest sound to them.

 

Your NIECE shouldn't also be a victim of WHs affairs.

She should be able to HEAR her aunty say her name, with love and affection.

 

Eff WH for causing this.

It's up to you how you REBUILD the shattered life.

 

FORGE AHEAD BRAVELY.

Cast off ALL EFFECTS of WHs affairs as fast as you can.

 

WH and any OW are not worth it IMHO.

 

Lion Heart

 

It's only been 9 weeks since the end of the A and beginning of NC. Yes I realize it's a trigger-- a huge one.

 

It's mostly when H is around that I am uncomfortable with saying her name. So she does hear me say it with love.

 

I know time will heal probably ...

 

And you just reminded me. The first OW we gave the nickname "Shrek" because she had really bad teeth. H actually contacted me one time to ask what kind of toothpaste we used at home and when I asked why he went into how she has bad teeth a gross mouth etc. lol. So...her name change from wh..e to Shrek. That made it easier looking back on it because I had a friend with the same name and it separated the two.

 

When referring to this OW I usually just refer to her as "Her".

 

It's just a mess. I'm sure just time and healing will help.

 

I like chump lady, but she isn't so keen on Reconciliation so it's hard sometimes when you are trying to R, I try to surround myself with people and resources that are pro reconciliation.

 

H is careful around me with the name because he knows how I feel. I honk I would punch him if I ever heard him say I love you to our niece and use her name with it. Lol

[iiSUNSHiN3]

Affairs are so destructive I am glad you and your husband are overcoming this issue together. I am sorry you have been hurt. When you face the issue head on you will be able to begin healing. Until then the wounds will continue to fester and continue to cause pain.Triggers have as much power as we give them. You can turn a negative into a positive by looking at your beautiful niece. Every time you hear that name you can be flooded with the love you have for her, and all the beautiful moments the two of you share. I will be praying for the healing of your marriage. Best of wishes!

[heartwhole]

Have you checked out Go Ask Suzie? Somehow I never found her site before now and I am wishing I had it earlier in this journey.

 

I do agree that allowing the weight of your husband's choices to fall on his shoulders is something you should work on. You give a lot more leeway and grace to a grown, married father who already had another affair than you do to a confused young woman barely older than your own daughter. You tolerated her presence in your life while your husband seesawed, interacted with her (more than necessary by most standards), and now can choose to let her part in this go with grace and start focusing on the man who let whatever her name is into your lives to begin with.