The gift that keeps on giving

[BTDT2012]

Who names their kid "wasabi" anyway?

You read my mind! LOL

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh my god that would be awful! The same name as you? I was pissed at my husband for not only having an affair but choosing someone with that name. If he chose someone with MY name (very uncommon), I think I would have run him over with my car.

 

I think it's probably time . I do have nicknames for my niece but everyone else calls her by name.

 

It is what it is i guess.

 

Triggers suck. I get angry/annoyed every time I drive by the exit to her town On the highway. Also, every time I see the same make/model vehicle as hers. Any reference to a certain island or type of ethnic food (which is SO GOOD! According to H).

 

He's having trouble with them too, as he's tying to forget her but it's slow going because she used to work for him so her memos and name are all over all the accounts at work, and he has to drive by about 20 places they used to go to hide from me every day and her damn mother still works below him. It's in his face every day. He absolutely hates being at work. He's always afraid he will run into the mom in the hallway, or that OW will be in the parking lot when he walks out. He goes to work early and works 10 hour days so he can get out early and home and get all his hours in before Friday so he doesn't have to work on Friday--Friday is OW day off and she would always show up at his work then so he doesn't want to be anywhere near there on Fridays. H and I do talk about this and he's actively trying to look at his triggers differently. Example- instead of thinking "oh this is the parking lot where me and OW shared that special moment"....he is telling himself to look at it in terms of our marriage and me and is now saying "this is the parking lot where I deceived my wife while she was home caring for our kids and making me dinner"...it's helping but it's still a negative feeling associated with the place. Agghhh. Triggers suck

 

He can't get another job right now, but we plan on moving once our kids finish school.

 

Hoping time and healing will help.

 

My husband still triggers when he drives by the road my OM lived on.....it is better but it took many many years. The kind of car he drove also still causes a trigger. You just have to not dwell on them and battle the overwhelming depression.

 

It also helps when you see the remorse you need from your WS....it helps you to believe that they understand how much they have hurt you and wont do it again.

[ShatteredLady]

When my H had his first affair with his coworker 'Wendy' everything from friends names too Peter Pan triggered me. I think it's a pretty normal thing. I thought I'd got over it...most things regarding the first affair went fast because of the huge life experiences in the following years.

 

This time around (2nd affair with her) I realized that I'd tried nearly every burger place in Texas but NEVER from Wendy's! Hahaha! It's silly really...if it wasn't so bloody painful. I hardly ever watch TV but if I catch that advert while watching TV with my H it's very awkward because we BOTH know but we don't say anything!!

 

Obviously TALKING, healing, growing past all of this is the answer. Ugh!! Another thing that comes down to time....I already feel like I've wasted so very much bloody TIME on this!!

 

Any advise or clever tricks for getting over triggers would be much appreciated.

 

I've said before my H sent his OW my favorite music CD's, kids favorite English story books, my favorite wine, flowers UGH!!! How I wish he had some imagination & didn't just give her MY THINGS!!

 

The most stabbing, shattering AGONY was when he said her children's names. They just rolled off of his tongue with such familiarity. There was a softness in his voice. I wanted to throw-up!! Fortunately they're both weird names...

 

Oh everything is so painful. I'm beyond exhausted by it all. Whatever!! I've heard that they're not great burgers anyway! Thank goodness her name isn't Chucky Cheese...my kids could never go to a party!!

[BettyDraper]

When my H had his first affair with his coworker 'Wendy' everything from friends names too Peter Pan triggered me. I think it's a pretty normal thing. I thought I'd got over it...most things regarding the first affair went fast because of the huge life experiences in the following years.

 

This time around (2nd affair with her) I realized that I'd tried nearly every burger place in Texas but NEVER from Wendy's! Hahaha! It's silly really...if it wasn't so bloody painful. I hardly ever watch TV but if I catch that advert while watching TV with my H it's very awkward because we BOTH know but we don't say anything!!

 

Obviously TALKING, healing, growing past all of this is the answer. Ugh!! Another thing that comes down to time....I already feel like I've wasted so very much bloody TIME on this!!

 

Any advise or clever tricks for getting over triggers would be much appreciated.

 

I've said before my H sent his OW my favorite music CD's, kids favorite English story books, my favorite wine, flowers UGH!!! How I wish he had some imagination & didn't just give her MY THINGS!!

 

The most stabbing, shattering AGONY was when he said her children's names. They just rolled off of his tongue with such familiarity. There was a softness in his voice. I wanted to throw-up!! Fortunately they're both weird names...

 

Oh everything is so painful. I'm beyond exhausted by it all. Whatever!! I've heard that they're not great burgers anyway! Thank goodness her name isn't Chucky Cheese...my kids could never go to a party!!

 

Wow. I didn't know your husband cheated on you twice with the same woman! That takes a special kind of cruelty. So sorry.

 

I live with Complex PTSD and of course that comes with being triggered. I avoid triggers as much as possible. When I cannot avoid them, I verbalize my feelings to my husband or write in my journal. I also remind myself of where I am in my life so that I realize how far I have come; I am no longer the abused little girl or young adult.

[Raena]

Why not just come up with a different name for the OW? It was one of the first things I did. She was no longer referenced in any way by her real name... she became "hobo". Her name isn't common though either and I happened to run into someone with that name. I didn't trigger from it though, just made me laugh a little because in my mind I had already renamed her.

 

The funniest part about it was when my ex told me that after he and I split up that the OW started calling herself Hobo as well.

 

To this day I still call her that and her real name doesn't bother me in anyway.

 

Make it fun for yourself... come up with some good ones.

 

Then you can just call your niece by her name and not reference the OW in your mind.

Edited November 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Noirek]

I think that time and choosing to use the name will help you out best. At first it will be hard but eventuallt you will want to take back that name for your own sake and your nieces. Time alone won't help if it is avoided.

 

My MM's name is the same as a close friend of my husbands and also the spouse to a close friend of mine. Besides clarifying it did take time for the name not to bring up MM in my mind. But a better example I would have would be a situation from my teen years where a name was destroyed for me. A situation far worse than cheating. The name was not overly common but unfortunatly my now BIL had it. When first dating my H I went mooooonths without saying his name. My h then boyfriend didn't notice me not saying his name but that there was something off and assumed I didn't like his brother. And we were just dating and I hated to say "your brother has the same name as a pedophile I know...." (lot more than me just knowing but I do not want to get into it). Anyways in the end I realized that I had go get over this and so I just forced myself to use the brother's name as much as possible. Eventually, it worked. So time coupled with determination replaced that revulsion.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Noirek

[Red123]

Ew. I hate that name/spice/garnish/root.

 

Wasabi? Just kidding:)

[Red123]

Who names their kid "wasabi" anyway?

 

LOL I didn't get to your post until after I said the same thing

[gettingstronger]

Wasabi? Just kidding:)

 

Last name is even worse... Common slang for rear end. I was like you gotta be kidding me buddy, REALLY???

[aileD]

Last name is even worse... Common slang for rear end. I was like you gotta be kidding me buddy, REALLY???

 

Now you got my mind off everything because I'm trying to figure out the last name'!!! Butt? Tooth? Rear? Hiney?

[Mr. Lucky]

This OWs name is extremely popular and common with a common nickname.

 

I have been using cute nicknames for my niece so I know I can continue with that it just gets awkward when talking to other people.

 

I know time is probably the best healer.

 

Almost every name has more than one variant when it comes to nicknames.

 

Why not come up with one of your own for your niece that differs from the OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

Associating the ow's name with the A is normal, but it will fade with time.

 

My best advice, and this goes with any sort of trigger, is to face it head one when you feel ready to do so. Take it back.

 

For example, if you know they went to a certain restaurant, when you feel ready to do so, got here with your H and make new, good memories of it. With your niece's name, again when you feel ready, force yourself to use it with her again, especially when you are doing something fun with her. Build new and positive associations with the name.

 

It will take time, but after a while, hearing the same won;t bother you so much anymore.

[jenkins95]

Have you checked out Go Ask Suzie? Somehow I never found her site before now and I am wishing I had it earlier in this journey.

 

I do agree that allowing the weight of your husband's choices to fall on his shoulders is something you should work on. You give a lot more leeway and grace to a grown, married father who already had another affair than you do to a confused young woman barely older than your own daughter. You tolerated her presence in your life while your husband seesawed, interacted with her (more than necessary by most standards), and now can choose to let her part in this go with grace and start focusing on the man who let whatever her name is into your lives to begin with.

 

(((Heartwhole)))

 

I read a lot of Suzie's stuff and it really helps me - she is very pro -reconciliation, so naturally what she says is supportive and encouraging to me as a recovering wayward.

 

I was excited to see that you can book personal consultative with her on her website..... But changed my mind a little when I saw that she was charging $350 per phone session.

 

Yes, she's good..... But not THAT good!

[jenkins95]

As the former wayward, I relate to this thread aileD. Whenever my xOW's name is mentioned on TV..... Or a particular city where much of the a took place, an awkward silence falls over my wife and me and I can feel the tension. We just want the earth to swallow us up at that moment.

 

Of course any mention of affairs and infidelity in general in the media (and there's loads of it) is often very triggery

[aileD]

Thanks guys.

 

Now another thing. As I said before we are filing bankruptcy. Didn't really want to because I had great credit till recently. This whole affair situation. And the trauma and the missed work due to no husband around etc caused me to lose my job. I actually quit it but I was on a final warning for attendance and the reason I quit was because I knew I was going to miss a day and get fired and if I did that I couldn't use them as a job reference

 

So. Filed the bKR finally this week. Annnnnnmnmmddddddd. Now they think it's fraudulent because I quit my job. Thinking I quit because I wanted to file bankruptcy. So apparently it's not a big deal, I just have to write out an affidavit DETAILING THE LAST YEAR AND MY STRUGGLES AND WHAT CAUSED ME TO LOST MY JOB.

 

Awesome. I'm crying just writing that out. To have to detail things to prove I was a mess when I was clearly a mess. Remember all that stuff.

 

My husband felt my wrath. Luckily he didn't say anything.

 

Again the gift that keeps on giving.

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[wmacbride]

Thanks guys.

 

Now another thing. As I said before we are filing bankruptcy. Didn't really want to because I had great credit till recently. This whole affair situation. And the trauma and the missed work due to no husband around etc caused me to lose my job. I actually quit it but I was on a final warning for attendance and the reason I quit was because I knew I was going to miss a day and get fired and if I did that I couldn't use them as a job reference

 

So. Filed the bKR finally this week. Annnnnnmnmmddddddd. Now they think it's fraudulent because I quit my job. Thinking I quit because I wanted to file bankruptcy. So apparently it's not a big deal, I just have to write out an affidavit DETAILING THE LAST YEAR AND MY STRUGGLES AND WHAT CAUSED ME TO LOST MY JOB.

 

Awesome. I'm crying just writing that out. To have to detail things to prove I was a mess when I was clearly a mess. Remember all that stuff.

 

My husband felt my wrath. Luckily he didn't say anything.

 

Again the gift that keeps on giving.

 

It really does suck, doesn't it?

[Mr. Lucky]

Awesome. I'm crying just writing that out. To have to detail things to prove I was a mess when I was clearly a mess. Remember all that stuff.

 

Who is "they" requiring this?

 

Regardless, I'd assume you could allude to "family problems" and/or "marital issues" without being any more specific than that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Who is "they" requiring this?

 

Regardless, I'd assume you could allude to "family problems" and/or "marital issues" without being any more specific than that...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

"They" is the bankruptcy trustee.

 

I did it. I wrote it. I didn't get specific. I threw my husband under the bus, but it's all true so oh well. I didn't cry once so I guess that's good.

 

I Know it takes time and distance for things to get better I just feel like this affair is following me around and throwing **** at me just to **** with me every chance it gets.

 

From her mom and my medical bills, to this, to the name thing. To the triggers. If our kids were smaller (or older!). I would make him move across the country. Our kids are in HS now at the only town they've known so moving is. It in the cards for at least 5 years. And who knows with the bkr.

 

Fun stuff. Im glad we are reconciling now, but angry this ever happened and our life got trashed.

[OneLov]

Who is "they" requiring this?

 

Regardless, I'd assume you could allude to "family problems" and/or "marital issues" without being any more specific than that...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BAPCPA strikes again.

 

I can only assume you failed the means test, i.e. have too much disposable income to file a Chapter 7. As such the Ch. 7 or US trustee has filed a Motion for Dismissal for Abuse. Obviously that presumption is rebuttable and overcame routinely by a showing of separation.

 

Like Mr. Lucky said, the court is not concerned with the gory details of the reasons behind the separation, it is required by BAPCPA to file a MTD if you fail the means test unless you present an affidavit of special circumstances. And separation is routinely accepted as a special circumstance. Just be specific with dates and state you were going to lose your job if you did not quit because of childcare issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

"They" is the bankruptcy trustee.

 

I did it. I wrote it. I didn't get specific. I threw my husband under the bus, but it's all true so oh well. I didn't cry once so I guess that's good.

 

 

Is there a reason your H isn't shouldering the burden of the bkr in general and this requirement specifically? He would seem to be the cause of the problem...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OneLov]

"They" is the bankruptcy trustee.

 

I did it. I wrote it. I didn't get specific. I threw my husband under the bus, but it's all true so oh well. I didn't cry once so I guess that's good.

 

I Know it takes time and distance for things to get better I just feel like this affair is following me around and throwing **** at me just to **** with me every chance it gets.

 

From her mom and my medical bills, to this, to the name thing. To the triggers. If our kids were smaller (or older!). I would make him move across the country. Our kids are in HS now at the only town they've known so moving is. It in the cards for at least 5 years. And who knows with the bkr.

 

Fun stuff. Im glad we are reconciling now, but angry this ever happened and our life got trashed.

 

With all due respect, I think this is why some posters have encouraged you to hold him more accountable. It appears everywhere because you're looking everywhere but the source. I know you hold him responsible, but he needs to be more accountable. That means you need demand and expect meaningful change in his behaviors and communication for the reconciliation to work. If you focus on his role and require he do the same, you will see the "gift" keeps giving less and less.

[Joie]

I disagree that she isn't holding him accountable. Reconciliation is hard. She is clearly placing blame with her husband. Triggers happen even when the WS takes full responsibility.

 

I understand the OP's pain about filing for bankruptcy. I missed a lot of work when I found out about the affair. It took months to get my antidepressants adjusted so I was sleeping all the time and falling behind at work. The original reason for falling behind was the affair. However, it didn't do me any good to rant about my husband. As a couple we just need to work through it. It doesn't really matter what started it. However, the problems caused by missing work, caused me to become upset, which caused me to be angry with my husband, which caused me to be upset about the affair, which made me miss work. It is a tough cycle.

[aileD]

In response to the bkr questions. We meet the means test. "They" were concerned that I quit my job with the intent of that helping us to file bkr. That's not true. As another poster said, I totally failed at my job due to this affair. I was out due to arguments and fights, due to him not being around to drive my kids to school, depression and anxiety attacks. I was on all sorts of meds, took a LOA to try to fix it (too early in the affair--stupid me thought it could be resolved sooner),I was on FMLA, 8 had two surgeries etc. I had to change my overnight to a day Shift which caused problems.

 

I was in a final written warning for attendance and one more tardy or absence would have got me fired and I knew I couldn't do it. I quit before I could get fired so I could keep them as a reference otherwise I would have only stupid college fast food and blockbuster jobs to fall back on because I was a sahm right out of college.

 

I just can not find a job in my field. And it's getting harder the longer it goes on because in my field they usually do a credit check in the hiring process. And now my credit sucks. I've tried to maybe nanny, and am thinking about getting a certificate in something different.

 

So yes I had to do an affadavit special circumstances. They needed a letter from me and a letter from my doctor showing I was under care for depression and anxiety.

 

I have all that so it should be ok plus I have tons of documentation from my work and proof I asked to come back several times and was denied.

 

They are also probably giving us a good look because my H is the COO of a law office that specializes in BKR. So I'm sure they think "well he knows all the tricks"

 

Believe me I don't want to file this and ruin my credit but st this point there's no other choice. I can hardly pay my mtg and utilities right now and I can't predict when I will get a job .

 

I can't make him do any of this because they are asking it from me. But I sure as hell threw him under the bus in my letter. He wasn't around and I couldn't predict and I was stuck being a single parent with no help. Etc.

 

He's feeling bad and is kind of quiet. I do hold him accountable and I'm much stronger than I was even just a few months ago. We have come a long way but there is still a long way to go

[sandylee1]

I know someone who had a similar problem, but she decided to rename the OW instead.

 

It wasn't a pleasant name and her WH wasn't comfortable saying it himself, so when they discussed the A, he just referred to the OW as 'her' or 'she' He was banned from using the name in reference to the OW.