How did your AP treat you after you had been intimate?

[Jemima1234]

Hi

So I made the huge mistake of having another physically intimate experience with xMM!!! And his reaction to it has made me ask this question-

How was your AP after you slept together? Did he contact you after? Did he go cold? Guilty?

 

This time mine seemed to go cold- not massively but not the usual phone call after. Then made a comment that he hadn't thought about it for a minute after!! Lightbulb moment that I hope I look back on!!!

 

Thanks

[starswewillnavigate]

Mine went very cool/cold after sex. I'm not sure if that's to do with embarrassment of his performance or if it was guilt because we had sex. He would warm up again after a while but managed to make me feel like rubbish in the process. Would say stuff like "I'm trying to be good".

[Poppy47]

xMM used to call me on his drive home and talk through the day we had spent together.

 

He would often write emails to me about how wonderful it was for him.

 

I believe he really meant what he said about the times we had together. I loved them too.

 

He always went home afterwards which then ruined the whole experience for me.

 

Poppy.

[Cyra]

Mine went very cool/cold after sex. I'm not sure if that's to do with embarrassment of his performance or if it was guilt because we had sex. He would warm up again after a while but managed to make me feel like rubbish in the process. Would say stuff like "I'm trying to be good".

 

Mine was exactly the same. He would go cold after and talk to me less and in a cold, standoffish way. It made me feel awful and disinclined to have sex with him as time went on.

 

Hi

Then made a comment that he hadn't thought about it for a minute after!! Lightbulb moment that I hope I look back on!!!

 

 

He said that to you? That's horrible. What a heartless ba$tard!

[Miss Clavel]

Hi

So I made the huge mistake of having another physically intimate experience with xMM!!! And his reaction to it has made me ask this question-

How was your AP after you slept together? Did he contact you after? Did he go cold? Guilty?

 

This time mine seemed to go cold- not massively but not the usual phone call after. Then made a comment that he hadn't thought about it for a minute after!! Lightbulb moment that I hope I look back on!!!

 

Thanks

 

do you feel it was a "huge mistake" because of his reaction or because he's married and he's not good for you?

 

if you feel it was a mistake because he's not good for you than perhaps that's what he feels as well.

 

maybe he's told himself he won't ever cheat again and he goes "cold" because he's let himself down. he didn't keep his word, to himself.

 

think how you would feel if you'd made a decision to change something that's not good for you and you didn't keep your word.

 

that's how he feels. he's trying to be true to another. and he can't keep his word for very long. but he wants to.

 

because it's not over for his marriage.

 

perhaps you can show your pride and block him from your life.

 

just tell him it's too much for you and you don't ever want anyone to feel so awful. esp someone you've just "made love" to.

 

it's got to be horrible, so stop doing it.

 

good luck

[Jemima1234]

He said that to you? That's horrible. What a heartless ba$tard!

 

Yep! When I phoned him a few hours after (because hadnt heard from him) i was upset and said to him had he not even thought to phone me after or had I not crossed his mind and he said nope not once, haven't thought about it for a minute. Never ever felt quite so insignificant ?. Have told him so now and pretty sure he didn't mean it but still want to remember how it made me feel and use it to change!!!!

[Jemima1234]

do you feel it was a "huge mistake" because of his reaction or because he's married and he's not good for you?

 

if you feel it was a mistake because he's not good for you than perhaps that's what he feels as well.

 

maybe he's told himself he won't ever cheat again and he goes "cold" because he's let himself down. he didn't keep his word, to himself.

 

think how you would feel if you'd made a decision to change something that's not good for you and you didn't keep your word.

 

that's how he feels. he's trying to be true to another. and he can't keep his word for very long. but he wants to.

 

because it's not over for his marriage.

 

perhaps you can show your pride and block him from your life.

 

just tell him it's too much for you and you don't ever want anyone to feel so awful. esp someone you've just "made love" to.

 

it's got to be horrible, so stop doing it.

 

good luck

 

Helpful and interesting thank you- makes sense

[Cyra]

 

Yep! When I phoned him a few hours after (because hadnt heard from him) i was upset and said to him had he not even thought to phone me after or had I not crossed his mind and he said nope not once, haven't thought about it for a minute. Never ever felt quite so insignificant ��. Have told him so now and pretty sure he didn't mean it but still want to remember how it made me feel and use it to change!!!!

 

Thats awful. Its like hes being cruel on purpose!

Feel that feeling, no one who cares about you would make you feel that way! He told you everything you need to know, what you mean to him.

Dump his a$$! Hugs x

Edited November 1, 2016 by Cyra

[123sadgirl]

Hi

So I made the huge mistake of having another physically intimate experience with xMM!!! And his reaction to it has made me ask this question-

How was your AP after you slept together? Did he contact you after? Did he go cold? Guilty?

 

This time mine seemed to go cold- not massively but not the usual phone call after. Then made a comment that he hadn't thought about it for a minute after!! Lightbulb moment that I hope I look back on!!!

 

Thanks

 

ExMm will not call me after or the few days after till a week later when i guess he wants it again. I asked him too if he thinks of me and why he is not calling me, he told me he does not think of me when he is home, home is home and work is work, and he does not know where i fit in.

Any time i get weak or the urge to break NC, I think of all the horrible things he has said to me. If someone really cares about you, they will not hurt you on purpose with words they know will hurt you. There is a difference between being truthful and just pure nasty.

[Jemima1234]

Thats awful. Its like hes being cruel on purpose!

Feel that feeling, no one who cares about you would make you feel that way! He told you everything you need to know, what you mean to him.

Dump his a$$! Hugs x

 

Keep telling me this - I need to remember it when he phones later today and is back to mr nice guy!!!

[Jemima1234]

ExMm will not call me after or the few days after till a week later when i guess he wants it again. I asked him too if he thinks of me and why he is not calling me, he told me he does not think of me when he is home, home is home and work is work, and he does not know where i fit in.

Any time i get weak or the urge to break NC, I think of all the horrible things he has said to me. If someone really cares about you, they will not hurt you on purpose with words they know will hurt you. There is a difference between being truthful and just pure nasty.

 

Wow that's even worse!!! During affair I spoke with MM every day, several times. But he definitely went cold in immediate aftermath of being intimate!

[123sadgirl]

Wow that's even worse!!! During affair I spoke with MM every day, several times. But he definitely went cold in immediate aftermath of being intimate!

 

I know Jemima, it really worse, that why I have been in NC 4 weeks now, it really hard as we work together but i have decided enough is enough. He sees me and he looks at me and tries to make eye contact. But I will not go back into it again.

[Cyra]

Keep telling me this - I need to remember it when he phones later today and is back to mr nice guy!!!

 

When he calls later dont even dignify it with an answer

Give him a taste of his own medicine, let him see what its like to be insignificant

[elaine567]

To put it bluntly you provided a service for him.

Do you phone your hairdresser/doctor/the girl that served your table/etc. on the way home to say how wonderful they were?

No, they did a job for you for which you are grateful, and you walk out and go home, not giving them a second thought.

 

I guess he knows he no longer needs to keep you sweet, so the affair has become little more than a business transaction.

 

"My hair's a mess", call up the hairdresser, make an appointment, get your hair primped and preened, go home.

Not really much different from.

He gets horny, he calls you up, you arrange to meet, he gets "satisfied", he goes home.

[Forever broken]

ExMm will not call me after or the few days after till a week later when i guess he wants it again. I asked him too if he thinks of me and why he is not calling me, he told me he does not think of me when he is home, home is home and work is work, and he does not know where i fit in.

Any time i get weak or the urge to break NC, I think of all the horrible things he has said to me. If someone really cares about you, they will not hurt you on purpose with words they know will hurt you. There is a difference between being truthful and just pure nasty.

 

 

This is really hurtful and heart breaking. You deserve better not someone like that. He is making it clear where you stand in his life. It will not be easy but it is time to show him the exit door.

[Midwestmissy]

Jemima I hope you walk away from this. Strictly from what I read here, it seems some ow stay because the mm says sweet things to them, and also stay when they're disrespected and treated coldly.

 

I agree that these sound like transactions and your emotions are not part of the equation to these guys.

[elaine567]

ExMm will not call me after or the few days after till a week later when i guess he wants it again. I asked him too if he thinks of me and why he is not calling me, he told me he does not think of me when he is home, home is home and work is work, and he does not know where i fit in.

Any time i get weak or the urge to break NC, I think of all the horrible things he has said to me. If someone really cares about you, they will not hurt you on purpose with words they know will hurt you. There is a difference between being truthful and just pure nasty.

 

Yes, but who says he "cares" for you?

Sounds like he didn't care a damn for you.

I know it is a bit of a cliché to say that all these men want is sex, but I see no real hard evidence to the contrary in so many cases here. Even if it is not just sex, it is definitely not "love".

 

If a guy is warm and friendly when he wants sex and, cold and aloof when he has just had it, then what does that really tell you?

 

So many excuses, "He didn't really mean it" - why wouldn't he really mean it, of course he meant it.

Affairs can be about entitlement and power, resentment and even revenge against the spouse, so I guess some of these guys are treating the OW badly, basically because they can. They are metaphorically "beating her up" and using her as scapegoat, as they know they cannot do that to their wife.

[sandylee1]

He said that to you?

 

Yep! When I phoned him a few hours after (because hadnt heard from him) i was upset and said to him had he not even thought to phone me after or had I not crossed his mind and he said nope not once, haven't thought about it for a minute.!

 

I think this is the difference between most menand women. But his behaviour, could well be that of a single man.

 

I've known men who aren't married do pretty much the same thing. The ones who only hit you up for a booty call, then they're off.

 

In some ways him saying he hasn't thought about it, isn't really saying he hasn't thought about you. Just saying that he hasn't given thought to the actual sexual intercourse.

Kind of like. .... it's normal. No big deal. Nothing special.

 

Put that way it doesn't sound great, but when I have sex with my husband ... I'm not particularly thinking about it afterwards. I enjoy it while it's happening and just get on with my day and what I have to afterwards.

Maybe because it's just 'our normal'.

 

There are times we'll text each other to say it was great, but that's only if we have a morning session before going to work.

 

 

You were probably hoping for a response along the lines of:

 

• he hadn't stopped thinking about you.

• It was wonderful.

• You were wonderful

• Can't wait to see you again

 

Guys often say that stuff when they are in chase mode and need to keep you keen. He's got you now and doesn't have to make an effort and be Mr. Charming. He'll give just enough to keep the sex coming.

 

Perhaps that gives you and other OW an insight to how MMs wife feels. Because while the OW thinks how can she be so mean and horrible and cold to wonderful MM, stop and think for a minute how he's actually treating her.

 

OW usually get that special romantic treatment during the A, while the wife is treated less than favorably.

 

If the BW got the lovey dovey attention that MM showers the OW with usually during the chase and the beginning of the A, she'd be a much happier wife.

[Ruffian1]

He could also be warm, and loving, saying all you want to hear after.

 

And it could be "just words", part of the game, and no real meaning behind them.

 

Actions, not words.

[imsosad]

He treats you the way you allow him to. He knows he can sleep with you and not put too much effort until next time he wants sex. This is literally settling for crumbs.

My AP and I did not have sex during our affair, but we met almost every day very often and there was physical contact- holding and kissing. We always talked straight afterwards on our way home and typically as much as we could during the night. We both felt like **** when we had to go home . If he had gone cold on me after we spent time together,I would have gone ballistic on him, I certainly wouldn't meet him again.

Why allow it?

This guy is showing you plain and simple how little he values you and your relationship.

'I love him' to me is not a good answer, I dont think 'loving' someone means letting them walk all over you.

Wake up, dont let him use you. You deserve so much better.

[123sadgirl]

Yes, but who says he "cares" for you?

Sounds like he didn't care a damn for you.

I know it is a bit of a cliché to say that all these men want is sex, but I see no real hard evidence to the contrary in so many cases here. Even if it is not just sex, it is definitely not "love".

 

If a guy is warm and friendly when he wants sex and, cold and aloof when he has just had it, then what does that really tell you?

 

So many excuses, "He didn't really mean it" - why wouldn't he really mean it, of course he meant it.

Affairs can be about entitlement and power, resentment and even revenge against the spouse, so I guess some of these guys are treating the OW badly, basically because they can. They are metaphorically "beating her up" and using her as scapegoat, as they know they cannot do that to their wife.

 

That why I am in NC and will not go back into it again. We work in the same building and he is been trying to be nice but I have avoided all contact.it been 4 weeks now of NC.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Would say stuff like "I'm trying to be good".

 

He said that sentence all 2016. He just said it last week.

[SeenNotHeard]

Much of what has been stated was not my personal experience. The intimacy consistently extended beyond our encounters. Every time usually within an hour or two follow up messages would be generated by the MM stating appreciation for our time together and general discussions as well. My point is he didn't withdraw in fact the attentive attention often increased. Am I proud? No. Simply sharing my experience.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi

So I made the huge mistake of having another physically intimate experience with xMM!!! And his reaction to it has made me ask this question-

How was your AP after you slept together? Did he contact you after? Did he go cold? Guilty?

 

This time mine seemed to go cold- not massively but not the usual phone call after. Then made a comment that he hadn't thought about it for a minute after!! Lightbulb moment that I hope I look back on!!!

 

Thanks

 

Right after, like a cheap wh*re. He worried his wife would smell my perfume.

 

We texted every day so he still did the same but he would make light of it, often a joke.

 

He had no guilt until he told her and then he spent all 2016 being hot and cold, "trying to be good".

[Onlywhenitrains]

He always stayed for a couple of hours with me after being intimate, cuddling, talking, laughing. Never said to me he felt guilty, or projected guilt on me. Many times said he wished he could stay. He would text me as soon as he got home, and would continue texting and talking. No coldness, no distance whatsoever. He was even more attentive, and many times said or texted how much it meant to him, and how happy he is I'm part of his life. So, yes the attention always increased after our time together. But, it was all wrong.

 

Even tough my experience in that respect is somehow different than most of what I read on this thread, it still didn't make it any better or enabled the A to last. He always went back to his real life.

Edited November 2, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains