How did your AP treat you after you had been intimate?

[freengreen]

Everyone posting about being thanked for sex has my mind going. When exMM and I would make "dates" and would have sex (which wasn't very often), we always spent at least 3 hours or so together afterwards cuddling and talking. I would always get an email shortly after we parted ways. It was always very sweet and loving but he seriously always thanked me. At the time I assumed he was thanking me for our time together. Now I'm wondering if he was just thanking me for getting him off. Are all these men the same? Geez, there must be some script out there that they all follow...

While I know one must not just assume when you dont know the truth but I felt like this too...

 

How do they know what clicks?. How do they know what words to say?. It must be scripted as you said or they figured it out through series of women or may be I was downright stupid.

[MidnightBlue1980]

How did you rebuild the intimacy at home? I find that thought impossible!!!

 

Sex. Well, you do have to actually be attracted to the person, I will give you that. I am divorced and my ex physically repulsed me, there was no fixing that. But assuming you are not married to a troll who makes your skin crawl, you have sex. Lots and lots and lots of sex. Frequently. Get comfortable with your partners body and your own body. Experiment. All the things you liked to do to your OM? Do them to your husband. You would be amazed at the results in your husband's behavior and affection towards you.

 

Talk. Talk and talk and talk. Find something you like to do where you can spend time together and get to know each other all over again. I have a Fitbit and we started doing walking in our neighborhood and then we moved to the state parks for hiking. We did have the kids with us a lot but still, we would get to talk. We try to do 5 miles a day.

 

Time together. Find the extra time usually wasted, 15 minutes here or there. I get up with my husband and we have coffee together everyday. The kids know to leave us alone. At night I work in my office and I bought a TV and he watches shows in while I work. We go to bed at the same time - this one was huge. We NEVER went to bed together. I feed the kids before they get home and we sit together and eat together, or at least I sit with him. Again, huge, I used to come home and sit and eat alone while he watched TV. TVs in separate rooms are a death toll for a marriage. Nothing good comes from that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I did not mean to hijack the thread. Sorry.

[WisdomOverEmotion]

In the beginning after sex, he was very very affectionate and spoke about the future together.

 

Later in the affair he would do that occasionally, but he was still always a bit soppy after. He would hold my hand in the car when he took me home, kiss me good night etc. That use to really confuse me towards the end when our contact was very little.

 

This man never showed any guilt or remorse after sex. Or ever into fact.

[Grapesofwrath]

In the very beginning he did not seem guilty or upset....As time went on immediately after he would seem upset. I told him it was hurtful that he reacted this way. As we usually had been together for hours before anything happened he would leave right after....hurtful.

The last couple times he no longer does that. As I told him it was very hurtful. His reasoning was, he knew I wanted more couldn't give me more and didn't want to hurt me more.... He felt guilty.

 

Last week he came over....he was here for hours and there was nothing....no kissing, no sex, no oral nothing....So who knows..

 

SC: There are many on this forum who will tell you that MM just use you for sex. I'm sure this is true in many cases. I do not believe, however, that it is true in every case and it may not be true in your case. I think in my case--and possibly in yours--MM use us for intimacy. Intimacy that they are not, for whatever reason--getting at home. Rather than work with their wives to create and sustain intimacy, they take the coward's way out and seek it outside the relationship.

 

There was a period during my A when xMM told me we should stop having sex because he was not "honoring" me by doing that. He would still come over and spend hours at my place, but no sex. I tried once to seduce him and he wouldn't budge. So I think it wasn't just about sex for him (tho sex was def part of it.) It was about intimacy...about being able to express a part of himself that he kept hidden at home. To be clear, he kept it hidden because he was a coward who wouldn't be real with his wife, not because of any fault of hers.

[BabyDont]

He always phoned or texted when he was on his way home but then went quiet for a few days.

[Lillyp32]

In the beginning after sex, he was very very affectionate and spoke about the future together.

 

Later in the affair he would do that occasionally, but he was still always a bit soppy after. He would hold my hand in the car when he took me home, kiss me good night etc. That use to really confuse me towards the end when our contact was very little.

 

This man never showed any guilt or remorse after sex. Or ever into fact.

 

Mine never showed guilt or remorse either! It's crazy to me really. Towards the end of the affair, I asked if he felt guilty at all or ever felt remorse for what we were doing. He replied that he'd been living a lie for so long that what we were doing felt normal. Although he did say that since he was doing things that would hurt his wife he "kissed up extra" to her. So twisted. Can I say again that affairs just SUCK!? I'm not sure how I stayed in it for so long.

[Lillyp32]

So I think it wasn't just about sex for him (tho sex was def part of it.) It was about intimacy...about being able to express a part of himself that he kept hidden at home. To be clear, he kept it hidden because he was a coward who wouldn't be real with his wife, not because of any fault of hers.

 

Oh my Grapes! This!! ExMM told me something very similar once when we were just hanging out. We didn't spend all of our time together having sex either. He said he felt more comfortable with me than he did with his wife beciase he could just be himself.

 

So yes, it was more about intimacy than sex for us as well and I'm sure it was for many others. You're right though, it's cowardly not to seek that from your spouse and just sort of assume it's not possible. Very conflict avoidant too. When I broke things off just one month before dday, I told him that whatever he was getting from our affair and whatever he thought he'd get from a friendship with me (because of course they always want to remain friends lol) he could get the same thing from his wife if he just asked for it. He didn't agree.

[Chica80]

Come on,SC. He leaves right afterwards because he feels so guilty about you wanting more? How about either being with you full time or just ending things with you?if he really cared about hurting you,he wouldnt be doing it.

Yeah, I saw that last time nothing happened, my guess is it's meant to make you feel better,so next time you can get intimate again. There is no way to be considerate and respectful when married to one woman and sleeping with another. The posts here demonstrate a spectrum, from the utterly shockingly disgusting to the more polite and friendly but it's all basically the same.

MB, go girl. 2017 is yours!

 

Oh no....I hear you...none of it makes sense ever and I'm constantly questioning everything I feel crazy!!!

 

He feels guilty. He feels guilty about his wife he feels guilty about me....

 

He doesn't want me to be on the side. To be a secret right then let me go. I feel he says move on. But when I decide to move on he pulls me back.

I said for now it's fine, I will stay for now. I am here for now. But don't tell me to go and then pull me back that makes me so angry!!

 

The thing is this....ultimately he is not a bad person. He doesn't want to be selfish and can't justify something that's wrong and hurtful with who he is. But he also doesn't want to let go...

[Onlywhenitrains]

SC: There are many on this forum who will tell you that MM just use you for sex. I'm sure this is true in many cases. I do not believe, however, that it is true in every case and it may not be true in your case. I think in my case--and possibly in yours--MM use us for intimacy. Intimacy that they are not, for whatever reason--getting at home. Rather than work with their wives to create and sustain intimacy, they take the coward's way out and seek it outside the relationship.

 

There was a period during my A when xMM told me we should stop having sex because he was not "honoring" me by doing that. He would still come over and spend hours at my place, but no sex. I tried once to seduce him and he wouldn't budge. So I think it wasn't just about sex for him (tho sex was def part of it.) It was about intimacy...about being able to express a part of himself that he kept hidden at home. To be clear, he kept it hidden because he was a coward who wouldn't be real with his wife, not because of any fault of hers.

 

 

THIS!!!

 

This is how it always felt for me.

[Chica80]

SC: There are many on this forum who will tell you that MM just use you for sex. I'm sure this is true in many cases. I do not believe, however, that it is true in every case and it may not be true in your case. I think in my case--and possibly in yours--MM use us for intimacy. Intimacy that they are not, for whatever reason--getting at home. Rather than work with their wives to create and sustain intimacy, they take the coward's way out and seek it outside the relationship.

 

There was a period during my A when xMM told me we should stop having sex because he was not "honoring" me by doing that. He would still come over and spend hours at my place, but no sex. I tried once to seduce him and he wouldn't budge. So I think it wasn't just about sex for him (tho sex was def part of it.) It was about intimacy...about being able to express a part of himself that he kept hidden at home. To be clear, he kept it hidden because he was a coward who wouldn't be real with his wife, not because of any fault of hers.

 

 

 

YES YES AND YES

 

I agree 100%.

It's a way to create intimacy and vulnerability without having to be truly open.

All him nothing to do with his wife.

 

Obv sex is a factor because we are attracted care for eachother. But í think it's more of a attachment factor. I need you but I won't tell you I need you because I can't need anyone.

[beautiful_day]

Just to give some perspective from the other side ...

My ex husband said sex with his ow was just a bodily function ... like taking a ****. Those were his exact words!

 

I have no idea whether that was how he really felt or not, because the lies just fell out of his mouth, but what an absolutely horrible thing to say about the woman he went running to, after I threw him out. You don't say something like that about someone you genuinely love, even if your back is against the wall.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Just to give some perspective from the other side ...

My ex husband said sex with his ow was just a bodily function ... like taking a ****. Those were his exact words!

 

I have no idea whether that was how he really felt or not, because the lies just fell out of his mouth, but what an absolutely horrible thing to say about the woman he went running to, after I threw him out. You don't say something like that about someone you genuinely love, even if your back is against the wall.

 

That is horrible and it makes me wonder, how can you know when someone who lies is really telling the truth? In my situation, xmm told me over and over all these bad things about his wife, but then when he confessed, he lied to her and said it was me pursuing him and just a one night stand, a year later, she was able to restore all the deleted information on his phone and read all the bad things he said about her. He will say that he only said all that to get me to have sex with him. And you know, I actually have no idea what the truth is. He lied to me so much and he lied to her that - I really don't know! He is the type of guy who would lie about what he had for lunch.