How did your AP treat you after you had been intimate?

[Lillyp32]

He always stayed for a couple of hours with me after being intimate, cuddling, talking, laughing. Never said to me he felt guilty, or projected guilt on me. Many times said he wished he could stay. He would text me as soon as he got home, and would continue texting and talking. No coldness, no distance whatsoever. He was even more attentive, and many times said or texted how much it meant to him, and how happy he is I'm part of his life. So, yes the attention always increased after our time together. But, it was all wrong.

 

Even tough my experience in that respect is somehow different than most of what I read on this thread, it still didn't make it any better or enabled the A to last. He always went back to his real life.

 

This is how it was for me with my exMM as well. He was always more loving after we spent time together.

[Poppy47]

He always stayed for a couple of hours with me after being intimate, cuddling, talking, laughing. Never said to me he felt guilty, or projected guilt on me. Many times said he wished he could stay. He would text me as soon as he got home, and would continue texting and talking. No coldness, no distance whatsoever. He was even more attentive, and many times said or texted how much it meant to him, and how happy he is I'm part of his life. So, yes the attention always increased after our time together. But, it was all wrong.

 

Even tough my experience in that respect is somehow different than most of what I read on this thread, it still didn't make it any better or enabled the A to last. He always went back to his real life.

 

Me the same Rains.

xMM was always like yours.

 

The going home bit always ruined the times for me.

 

Poppy.

[cocorico]

He always stayed for a couple of hours with me after being intimate, cuddling, talking, laughing. Never said to me he felt guilty, or projected guilt on me. Many times said he wished he could stay. He would text me as soon as he got home, and would continue texting and talking. No coldness, no distance whatsoever. He was even more attentive, and many times said or texted how much it meant to him, and how happy he is I'm part of his life.

 

 

Because we were LDR during the A, physical intimacy always happened in the context of staying together - wherever we were. Some lived like any other loving couple. When he / I / both of us returned home, there'd be a continuous texting, talking, skyping to prolong our togetherness. I think it was the wrench of distance that made it so urgent for us to resolve the A so that we could be together. Perhaps if we lived closer together and saw each other daily, that urgency would have been less.

[Southwardbound]

Ouch - hugs to anyone whose had the 'hairdresser' experience. I think if I had ever had those experiences I'd be questioning why - I was putting myself in that position.

 

My OM is never cold after we are intimate- always very loving.

[Somedaymaybe81]

My xmm always went cold. I thought it was something I did or didn't do. After joining this group last week and reading threads all day my mind has changed. It was never me, it was him.

 

The first time, we got a hotel. It was amazing. The second he was "done" $he couldn't get outta there fast enough. I was so confused. He text me on his way home telling me he was going to try marriage counseling with his wife. That made me feel horrible. He went cold for about a week and came back. I stupidly took him back.

 

Second time was the same. Couldn't leave fast enough after but apologized for having to leave so quickly. Absolutely nothing the next day from him, the day after I get a long message he needs to go NC and can't do this anymore. Again, he came back.

 

Same thing when he told me he loved me for the first time (this was right before my H saw my phone records and **** hit the fan) the next day I see on facebook his wife holding flowers he sent her to work randomly with the message "I love you" I wanted to vomit.

 

It's been almost 4 weeks NC. Saying it's hard is putting it mildly seeing how we work together. He knows how to get ahold of me, but I think he's gone for good this time. I need to stay strong and remember all of these things if he does come back (I really don't see that happening)

 

They really are all the same.

[Savannah2]

Same cold treatment from mine too. In fact , almost the exact same pattern as someday wrote above. It was so hurtful and I always would take him back too. It's an awful place to be.

[gaveup]

Yep! When I phoned him a few hours after (because hadnt heard from him) i was upset and said to him had he not even thought to phone me after or had I not crossed his mind and he said nope not once, haven't thought about it for a minute. Never ever felt quite so insignificant . Have told him so now and pretty sure he didn't mean it but still want to remember how it made me feel and use it to change!!!!

 

 

I'd never ever speak with him again. EVER.

Edited November 11, 2016 by gaveup

[freengreen]

Ok mine was an EA. Its not any easy either but thats another thing. But I am here reading stories about OM getting cold after sex, sometimes heartless assh0le, it saddens me to think how hard it must be to the women involved. How you just want to come out but it is sucking the respect out of you.

 

Hugs, you dont deserve this, no one does. For the happy people we were, wouldnt it be nice to go back?.. its seems strenous but dont become a 'use and throw' object for these cruel men. No.

[Grapesofwrath]

Usually, he would roll over and go to sleep. He was essentially living at my place 2-3 nights per week, so oftentimes we would get up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to work, and return home again that night.

 

He would disappear when he was home with his family. No contact on weekends (with a few exceptions). No contact on holidays. No contact while they were on vacation. So it wasn't the intimacy that drove the coldness, it was proximity to his wife and increased chance of getting caught. It still sucked. It made me feel like it wasn't just about sex, which I guess was good, but it still sucked. It all sucks. No matter how you slice it.

[Lillyp32]

Usually, he would roll over and go to sleep. He was essentially living at my place 2-3 nights per week, so oftentimes we would get up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to work, and return home again that night.

 

He would disappear when he was home with his family. No contact on weekends (with a few exceptions). No contact on holidays. No contact while they were on vacation. So it wasn't the intimacy that drove the coldness, it was proximity to his wife and increased chance of getting caught. It still sucked. It made me feel like it wasn't just about sex, which I guess was good, but it still sucked. It all sucks. No matter how you slice it.

 

That sounds hard having a couple nights with him and then having him disappear. So very hard. I can't imagine.

 

We used to have the no contact on weekends, holidays and vacation in the beginning too. As time went on though, I'd say maybe 1.5 years into it, he started breaking that rule. He sort of slowly started emailing on weekends. Then it turned into him emailing on holidays and vacations. I think that made it harder because if I didn't get an email during those times for some reason, I'd feel sad and let down. I almost checked my email more during those times so I didn't miss anything. Looking back it was pathetic. Affairs suck.

[Forever broken]

We usually hanged out, grabbed a bite to eat or just lay in bed and talked about our future. We even argued playfully about baby names, where we were gonna live among others.

 

I will never had thought he was a super user.

[confusingme]

Mine always sent me sweet messages immediately after we said goodbye to each other.

I remember the first time, he said "Holy !! Did I just have you?" It really made me feel like in heaven.

Every time he acted very excited about the next time.

 

I think if they go cold, then it's more like it's just about sex.

But too much emotion also make me think he is too much into the sex...

 

[Cyra]

Mine always sent me sweet messages immediately after we said goodbye to each other.

I remember the first time, he said "Holy !! Did I just have you?"

 

IMO that is not a sweet thing to say to a woman, to me it sounds objectifying and degrading. He really could have chosen nicer words to express his appreciation x

[SammySammy]

She treated me well.

 

Would be appreciative. Often thanked me. Which always made me feel weird. Being thanked for sex.

 

Days after, she would tell me how she would replay what happened in her mind over and over. Looked forward to the next time.

 

Said she "loved" me often. Still thinks she loves me, but I don't think that was love. Not of me, at least. Selfishness and love of herself maybe. But, not love of me, her husband, kids or anyone else.

[Adoraxx]

My xMM always went cold on me too after sex. He wouldn't even contact me to say that he liked it, and he always ran away as fast as he could!! And he also bought gifts for his W after sex with me

[gaveup]

My xMM always went cold on me too after sex. He wouldn't even contact me to say that he liked it, and he always ran away as fast as he could!! And he also bought gifts for his W after sex with me

 

Wow, I'd never let him in my bed!!!! It would make me think so bad about myself.... I'd probably cry over and over again and go into self-destruction which is bad! Maybe because of their actions I hate them so much.

 

Adoraxx, I guess you have ended it?

[Southern Sun]

She treated me well.

 

Would be appreciative. Often thanked me. Which always made me feel weird. Being thanked for sex.

 

Days after, she would tell me how she would replay what happened in her mind over and over. Looked forward to the next time.

 

Said she "loved" me often. Still thinks she loves me, but I don't think that was love. Not of me, at least. Selfishness and love of herself maybe. But, not love of me, her husband, kids or anyone else.

 

My xMM used to thank me too. I found it uncomfortable. I say "thank you" to people who've provided me a service, or who've helped me in some way (like, "thank you" to the server who just brought my pad thai, or "thank you" to the man who held the door). But after sex? When ILYs were sometimes exchanged? Odd.

 

He would usually send me something sweet or emotional immediately afterwards. And then that seemed to give him permission (in his mind) to drop off the planet for the next several days.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My xMM used to thank me too. I found it uncomfortable. I say "thank you" to people who've provided me a service, or who've helped me in some way (like, "thank you" to the server who just brought my pad thai, or "thank you" to the man who held the door). But after sex? When ILYs were sometimes exchanged? Odd.

 

He would usually send me something sweet or emotional immediately afterwards. And then that seemed to give him permission (in his mind) to drop off the planet for the next several days.

 

I was also thanked for sex, esp when it was oral. He had been looking for over 5 years for an AP so in general he was pretty happy during our time together. He didn't act any different after intimacy, he was pretty jolly in general. It was me, I couldn't handle it at all. I was a mess.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Mine always sent me sweet messages immediately after we said goodbye to each other.

I remember the first time, he said "Holy !! Did I just have you?" It really made me feel like in heaven.

Every time he acted very excited about the next time.

 

I think if they go cold, then it's more like it's just about sex.

But too much emotion also make me think he is too much into the sex...

 

 

That's very similar. Except I didn't feel in heaven, I felt like I was with a 15 year old. He would literally point in between my legs and say, "I was in there."

 

Not really romantic.

[SeenNotHeard]

That's very similar. Except I didn't feel in heaven, I felt like I was with a 15 year old. He would literally point in between my legs and say, "I was in there."

 

Not really romantic.

 

Oh my unbelievable. It can be downright cruel at times.

[Lillyp32]

Everyone posting about being thanked for sex has my mind going. When exMM and I would make "dates" and would have sex (which wasn't very often), we always spent at least 3 hours or so together afterwards cuddling and talking. I would always get an email shortly after we parted ways. It was always very sweet and loving but he seriously always thanked me. At the time I assumed he was thanking me for our time together. Now I'm wondering if he was just thanking me for getting him off. Are all these men the same? Geez, there must be some script out there that they all follow...

[Chica80]

In the very beginning he did not seem guilty or upset....As time went on immediately after he would seem upset. I told him it was hurtful that he reacted this way. As we usually had been together for hours before anything happened he would leave right after....hurtful.

The last couple times he no longer does that. As I told him it was very hurtful. His reasoning was, he knew I wanted more couldn't give me more and didn't want to hurt me more.... He felt guilty.

 

Last week he came over....he was here for hours and there was nothing....no kissing, no sex, no oral nothing....So who knows..

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'll be really honest. As the time has gone on this year, while I have publicly struggled emotionally, it's made it easier that I never had any sexual contact with xmm again. He shook my hand in February but I had a glove on and I gave him a seriously awkward public hug goodbye in June. That's it.

 

The truth is, there is nothing romantic about putting your clothes back on in a car or hotel while xmm freaks out about his wife being able to tell he just had sex and then stopping alone on the way home to "wash up". No, it is a really good way to totally kill one's self esteem and self worth.

 

Over 2016 I was able to rebuild intimacy at home and I really encourage all you to either rekindle things or get single and find someone new. It really is better to be someone's number one than another guy's number two. And you know why they call it their "number two"? Because you feel like sh*t.

 

And my husband doesn't thank me and I don't feel like killing myself afterwards. I just go on about my life - as it should be.

 

To 2017 - the year I finally am out of this hell.

 

PS. My post is not really so much to the posters, I am aware most of you are out of it, but all the lurkers.

Edited November 14, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[imsosad]

In the very beginning he did not seem guilty or upset....As time went on immediately after he would seem upset. I told him it was hurtful that he reacted this way. As we usually had been together for hours before anything happened he would leave right after....hurtful.

The last couple times he no longer does that. As I told him it was very hurtful. His reasoning was, he knew I wanted more couldn't give me more and didn't want to hurt me more.... He felt guilty.

 

Last week he came over....he was here for hours and there was nothing....no kissing, no sex, no oral nothing....So who knows..

 

Come on,SC. He leaves right afterwards because he feels so guilty about you wanting more? How about either being with you full time or just ending things with you?if he really cared about hurting you,he wouldnt be doing it.

Yeah, I saw that last time nothing happened, my guess is it's meant to make you feel better,so next time you can get intimate again. There is no way to be considerate and respectful when married to one woman and sleeping with another. The posts here demonstrate a spectrum, from the utterly shockingly disgusting to the more polite and friendly but it's all basically the same.

MB, go girl. 2017 is yours!

[Jemima1234]

I'll be really honest. As the time has gone on this year, while I have publicly struggled emotionally, it's made it easier that I never had any sexual contact with xmm again. He shook my hand in February but I had a glove on and I gave him a seriously awkward public hug goodbye in June. That's it.

 

The truth is, there is nothing romantic about putting your clothes back on in a car or hotel while xmm freaks out about his wife being able to tell he just had sex and then stopping alone on the way home to "wash up". No, it is a really good way to totally kill one's self esteem and self worth.

 

Over 2016 I was able to rebuild intimacy at home and I really encourage all you to either rekindle things or get single and find someone new. It really is better to be someone's number one than another guy's number two. And you know why they call it their "number two"? Because you feel like sh*t.

 

And my husband doesn't thank me and I don't feel like killing myself afterwards. I just go on about my life - as it should be.

 

To 2017 - the year I finally am out of this hell.

 

PS. My post is not really so much to the posters, I am aware most of you are out of it, but all the lurkers.

 

 

How did you rebuild the intimacy at home? I find that thought impossible!!!