Year Long PA - Not Attached, til Now...

[Miss_Scarlett]

Long time lurker, finally had the courage to write a post. I'll be brief.

 

In what seems to be a common story, I re-connected with an ex from college about 15 months ago. It was strictly curiosity on my part, I wasn't in any way interested like "that." We got together twice and he kissed me on the second visit. I was surprised, flattered and interested. He's married, and has a few kids so I was genuinely not expecting it. We've been seeing each other regularly since.

 

During this entire time, I enjoyed his company, but did not feel any attachment towards him. It really was about sex for me. We have no contact unless we're about to meet up, and that is very intentional on my part. I've worked hard to stay detached, as has he. I am not looking for him be anything more than a lover, not waiting for him to leave his wife, not expecting love, etc.

 

Fast forward to the last month. I don't know what, but something has changed. I'm starting to fall for him. Add to that the fact that he's been sweeter, more affectionate and even talked about trying to to spend a night away together.

 

I've got no interest in f'ing up his life (yes, I know, his actions have already made that risky). For the record, I don't ask him about his marriage. I have no idea if he's happy or sad with her, that is his gig, not mine. He's only said that he would never want to hurt her.

 

Is this the right moment to break things off? Before we too attached, before I start to fall in love? Perhaps it's a rhetorical question, but I just need to ask.

[l8estnews]

Oh, you played with fire. And now you've got feelings. You already fell in the deep well, girl. I doubt it won't be easy to break thing off now. You already have feelings, and once you go no contact, you will miss him terribly.

 

But if you have the strength, go. Cut it already. You've already crossed the line.

[JewelD]

You should have never started it. I don't believe you had no intentions and you weren't interested in him like that otherwise why would you meet up with an ex who is married with children? Did you expect to be playing a game of checkers or something?

 

Obviously you should break it off. Not because you're becoming too attached, but because you are sleeping with a married man. Although I imagine you will continue to see him and develop feelings and expect them to be reciprocated and get pissed off when it doesn't happen.

 

Also, keep in mind that he's only being sweet to you because he wants to have sex with you. If he doesn't care about the well-being and happiness of his own wife, you can be certain he cares even less about you.

[Miss_Scarlett]

You should have never started it. I don't believe you had no intentions and you weren't interested in him like that otherwise why would you meet up with an ex who is married with children? Did you expect to be playing a game of checkers or something?

 

Doesn't that sort of go without saying on this forum? That it never should have started?

 

I have many guy friends, and hang out with ones who are married, single, etc. I get coffee with them, even have happy hour and talk about our lives. That does not mean I sleep with them. I did not intend to get involved with this man, regardless of what you think, that is the truth.

[dojob1234]

Long time lurker, finally had the courage to write a post. I'll be brief.

 

In what seems to be a common story, I re-connected with an ex from college about 15 months ago. It was strictly curiosity on my part, I wasn't in any way interested like "that." We got together twice and he kissed me on the second visit. I was surprised, flattered and interested. He's married, and has a few kids so I was genuinely not expecting it. We've been seeing each other regularly since.

 

During this entire time, I enjoyed his company, but did not feel any attachment towards him. It really was about sex for me. We have no contact unless we're about to meet up, and that is very intentional on my part. I've worked hard to stay detached, as has he. I am not looking for him be anything more than a lover, not waiting for him to leave his wife, not expecting love, etc.

 

Fast forward to the last month. I don't know what, but something has changed. I'm starting to fall for him. Add to that the fact that he's been sweeter, more affectionate and even talked about trying to to spend a night away together.

 

I've got no interest in f'ing up his life (yes, I know, his actions have already made that risky). For the record, I don't ask him about his marriage. I have no idea if he's happy or sad with her, that is his gig, not mine. He's only said that he would never want to hurt her.

 

Is this the right moment to break things off? Before we too attached, before I start to fall in love? Perhaps it's a rhetorical question, but I just need to ask.

 

In my pov, yes. You ought to stop now.. Unless you can control your feelings by not sinking deeper...

[JewelD]

Doesn't that sort of go without saying on this forum? That it never should have started?

 

I have many guy friends, and hang out with ones who are married, single, etc. I get coffee with them, even have happy hour and talk about our lives. That does not mean I sleep with them. I did not intend to get involved with this man, regardless of what you think, that is the truth.

 

But you slept with this one and that's the point. Sounds highly inappropriate to be meeting up with a married X, who I'm assuming you had already slept with before. I'm sure his wife had no idea he was going to meet you.

 

Regardless, I pointed that out because you seem to be acting as though the affair itself isn't the problem but rather the fact that you are becoming attached to him.

[Miss_Scarlett]

But you slept with this one and that's the point. Sounds highly inappropriate to be meeting up with a married X, who I'm assuming you had already slept with before. I'm sure his wife had no idea he was going to meet you.

 

Regardless, I pointed that out because you seem to be acting as though the affair itself isn't the problem but rather the fact that you are becoming attached to him.

 

Point taken about becoming attached, you may be right. I am more concerned about feelings because they complicate everything.

 

However, you're wrong about the wife not knowing. We had tea during the day, the first time. I helped him with some questions he had about legal stuff (its my line of work).

[aileD]

You have a lot of excuses for why it's ok for you to be sleeping with a married guy

 

-it's only for sex

-you don't contact him otherwise

-you don't ask about his marriage

-not looking for him to leave wife

-staying detached (but starting to attach)

 

I doubt his wife will think any of those reasons are good enough.

 

You know you need to stop, so stop. But also get some counseling for yourself. You need to examine what it is that makes you feel you have no responsibility in this. Why you can detach yourself so much from something that is so wrong but brigs you pleasure.

 

I wish you the best.

[JewelD]

You had tea with his wife? And she knows that you're his ex-girlfriend from college?

 

Feelings or no feelings, it's already complicated because it's a secret and if you were out in the open about it, people would get hurt. When you do bad things, bad things will happen to you. Karma works in mysterious ways. You should definitely end it now and save yourself some turmoil.

[Raena]

Yes you need to end it now. The fact that you are even asking that question is the answer to your question.

[ChickiePops]

Point taken about becoming attached, you may be right. I am more concerned about feelings because they complicate everything.

 

However, you're wrong about the wife not knowing. We had tea during the day, the first time. I helped him with some questions he had about legal stuff (its my line of work).

 

Is his wife aware of your current sexual relationship with him?

[sandylee1]

Now would be a good time to end it.

[whichwayisup]

Long time lurker, finally had the courage to write a post. I'll be brief.

 

In what seems to be a common story, I re-connected with an ex from college about 15 months ago. It was strictly curiosity on my part, I wasn't in any way interested like "that." We got together twice and he kissed me on the second visit. I was surprised, flattered and interested. He's married, and has a few kids so I was genuinely not expecting it. We've been seeing each other regularly since.

 

During this entire time, I enjoyed his company, but did not feel any attachment towards him. It really was about sex for me. We have no contact unless we're about to meet up, and that is very intentional on my part. I've worked hard to stay detached, as has he. I am not looking for him be anything more than a lover, not waiting for him to leave his wife, not expecting love, etc.

 

Fast forward to the last month. I don't know what, but something has changed. I'm starting to fall for him. Add to that the fact that he's been sweeter, more affectionate and even talked about trying to to spend a night away together.

 

I've got no interest in f'ing up his life (yes, I know, his actions have already made that risky). For the record, I don't ask him about his marriage. I have no idea if he's happy or sad with her, that is his gig, not mine. He's only said that he would never want to hurt her.

 

Is this the right moment to break things off? Before we too attached, before I start to fall in love? Perhaps it's a rhetorical question, but I just need to ask.

 

That and ask yourself if your wanna f YOUR life up too!

 

End it now. You're already in deep and there's no good that will come of you continuing the A with him. You'll get more hurt and mess yourself up along the way. Read more in this section and in the infidelity section just to guide you into the making the right decision.

[BluesPower]

Yes, you most defiantly want to break it off.

 

When you start to get feelings it spells disaster. That is the best time to break it off, I always did. And the times I did not, OMG what a pain in the A$$.

 

Break it off and find another FW or you will wish you had later.

[Miss_Scarlett]

You had tea with his wife? And she knows that you're his ex-girlfriend from college?

 

Sorry, that was confusing. The first time I hung out with him, we had tea, and yes, his wife knew. It was strictly to help him with some legal issues he was having with his business.

 

Also, I appreciate everyone's input on my situation. Though you are all strangers, I am considering everything that has been said.

[Birdies]

The best time to end things was yesterday, the second best time is today, and the worst time is any time in the future.

 

It's just going to be harder later. Either you'll fall for him and it'll be a horrible breakup, made even more horrible that absolutely NO ONE will understand / know / have any sympathy for you. Or everything will blow up in your and his face and it will destroy both of your lives. You don't think that will happen, you're being so careful, etc. That's what everyone thinks. Unfortunately, you are probably not the exception to the rule.