Trouble in paradise

[jw204]

I [36M] have been married to my wife [31F] for 8 years. We have 4 children together [6, 4, 3 & 1] and my wife is pregnant with our 5th - and last! - and due in a few weeks. We have had a good marriage; we fight like another other couple but we have not had any major issues until now. We both agreed early on that we wanted a large family and we have agreed on a lot of parenting decisions/styles.

 

I hold a high position for the firm that I work for and we live a very comfortable lifestyle. We can live from one salary without worrying about bills or making sacrifices, while still being able to go on vacations, buy (reasonable) things we want, etc. To have that lifestyle I do work a lot. It has always been somewhat of an issue because my wife wants more time with me. I have always been a "family man", I'd come home from work and spend all my time with my family. Every moment I had outside of work and sleep was spent with my family. I loved doing that. Now... not so much. Lately we have been fighting a lot and it’s causing me to not want to spend time with her and rather spend what little time I do have by myself.

Before (and after) having children, we agreed that it would be best for my wife to be a SAHM until the kids are in school. She completed an undergrad and graduate degree could have a well-paying job, however that would mean working long hours, a long commute, school holidays working. She is somewhat holding it over me that I am using my degrees and where I want to be but she hasn’t worked one day in her field and likely never will now. She has been a SAHM for 6 years, and she has another 6 to go. She says she can’t do it all over again, however then turns around and says that she must be home for our kids, that it’s best for them, that she would be unable to find a good environment for them.

 

We have been fighting over little things. For example, a HUGE fight, to the point where she isn’t talking to me tonight, came from discussing baby names. BABY NAMES. All our kid’s names start with the letter ‘E’ and she wants to continue that ‘theme’ with this last baby. I don’t and it’s like it’s her way or the highway.

 

I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We are about to have 5 kids. FIVE! Five kids age 6 and under. It is what we both wanted but at this point I am thinking “why the hell did I choose that”. When you have one or two, maybe three, it’s a lot easier to get a baby sitter and go out for a date. My parents can hardly handle our youngest two, there is no way they can manage all 4 (or 5). We don’t have other family nearby. My wife and I have never had a night alone since having kids. We do go on dates sometimes but not often; I’m talking 2-3 times a year. Eventually it will get better, but I don’t know if I can hold out that long. There are many days I don’t want to go home because I don’t want to deal with the fighting.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point. I want to be happy to go home to my family. I don’t want to be lying to my wife by telling her that I am required to stay and work late. I want to go back to being in a happy marriage. I don’t want our kids to see us fighting. But it’s like trying to stop a war while still bombing the other side.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you made the decision to have five kids in six years. Now, you are overwhelmed and having a difficult time dealing with the reality of that decision. But, it was your decision so you need to take responsibility and do what you need to do - for your wife and your children.

 

I'm sure your wife is feeling overwhelmed and stressed out by the demands of five children. And, she is dealing with it while dealing with weight gain, swollen ankles, lack of sleep, and hormonal disturbances of pregnancy and post partum. I'm quite sure that she is not much fun to live with, but what did you expect when you made the decision to have five children in six years!

 

I'm sorry, I know you are overwhelmed and unhappy right now. But, this is the reality of having young children at this stage of life. You need to take some of the pressure off - if you make a good salary, find a good nursery school or hire some kind of childcare - because if you don't, you and your marriage may not survive.

Edited November 1, 2016 by BaileyB

[GorillaTheater]

I get the "overwhelmed" thing all too well. In the space of 7-8 years, my wife and I had four kids. After a break of 5 years, we had four more in the space of 5 years. So yeah, 8 kids. Our set-up is pretty similar otherwise as well: I have the well-paying gig and my wife, at least after the fourth kid was born, has been a SAHM. She was interested in going for #9, but I was like Damn, I'd kind of like to live long enough to retire.

 

 

Our reasons for having so many kids may be as simple as the fact that we love kids, although my lapsed Irish Catholic genes may have had a role, too, but there have been many times when things get particularly crazy when I though "what the hell are we doing? Are we just bat sh*t crazy for doing this to ourselves?" The answer may well be "yes", but here we are and we have to deal.

 

 

It was pretty hard at times, and even in the best of times you had to have some appreciation for chaos and anarchy. And I know you get this, but it's worth mentioning that your wife is as stressed and harried as you are, and probably more so. She's a well-educated person up to her eyeballs in dirty diapers, chicken nuggets, Dora the Explorer, and way pregnant on top of it all. Of course she's coming across as Medusa on a bad hair day. You and I would too.

 

 

So talk to each other about how you feel. Extend each other all the grace you can. On a practical level, look for a day care facility with evening hours (they're not necessarily common, but they exist) and take your wife out for a good time. Take advantage of "parents' night out" events at local churches. Periodically watch the kids and give your wife some time for herself, either alone or with friends.

 

 

Life is going to be crazy for some time to come. Cling to each other in the meantime, even when you want to chew each others' heads off. It's worth mentioning again: show each other all the grace you can and overlook the small stuff. And 99% of it is small stuff. Trust me, you'll get to the point where the kids get older and you'll have the opportunity to settle down to the normal problems everyone else has. At that point you'll appreciate the foundation you've built with your wife.

 

 

Good luck, brother. We chose a fairly hard road, but it's doable and worth it.

[SJS]

Although I don't have 4 or 5 kids, I can empathize with your wife as I've been a SAHM for 12 years now. Please try to see it from her point of view...women are now raised to believe we need to work, we need to be equal to men, we get the education and the careers. When we leave the workplace, even though we KNOW it's best for our families and that it's an important job, it's thankless and it feels as if we've lost our worth. It's such a range of feelings when you give up your identity, which realistically you probably won't ever experience. You get to "escape" every day to work, and she probably can't even pee in peace. The reality is almost always different from what you thought it would be. Now add in some pregnancy hormones.

 

I wish I could give you some advice, but I can't.

[GunslingerRoland]

You need to find a way to get more alone time with your wife. Look harder for a good babysitter, I'm not talking about a 12 year old girl. An adult, who runs a day home or something and can handle watching 5 kids. Then force yourself to go out at least once a month.

 

As much as you guys love kids, you have to have a marriage too, it can't be all about them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We are about to have 5 kids. FIVE! Five kids age 6 and under. It is what we both wanted but at this point I am thinking “why the hell did I choose that”. When you have one or two, maybe three, it’s a lot easier to get a baby sitter and go out for a date. My parents can hardly handle our youngest two, there is no way they can manage all 4 (or 5).

 

Boy, I don't get it. Your post makes about as much sense as me complaining about tennis elbow while playing four times a week. The answer for both of us would seem pretty simple.

 

I'd also like to point that by hiding out from your wife, you're ignoring your kids too. And I'm sure the resulting stress on your spouse leads to more fighting.

 

I'd get two - or three if necessary - babysitters and have one night out together a week. You need the connection, your wife needs the sanity break.

 

And I'm on your side, no more "E" names. A little too cutesy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noirek]

As far as names goes. If you don't stick with the E theme the youngest kid will get teased by the older four in that regard. "Adopted" "ran out of names". "Ect". You can't follow a theme for four kids and then just abandon it on the last one. It can cause resentment from both sides of the kids.

 

Your wife is pregnant with 4 little ones. Listen, with my second kid I was crazy. And I suffered from severe PPD after. And I only had one little one. So you both made this choice but your wife is batteling the hormones. It isn't always fun but suck it up and go home and be with her. Celebrate your kids. They grow up so fast. Your wife flip flopping on her life is probably a normal reaction to being pregnant and having so many little responsibilities. Let her vent. Tell her you love her. Put the kids to bed and light some candles. Be romantic at home. Bring her flowers.

 

And yeah, find an adult baby sitter.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Sounds to me like you both are regretting your decision to have so many kids.

 

Sounds to me like she agreed to be a SAHM. That was her decision and now she is regretting it. And taking it out on you. This is BS.

 

This is on her. But there's nothing you can do at this point. I have to ask, why the 5th kid? This sort of sounds like it has been building for a while, why the 5th? When did you start feeling this way, and get her pregnant? Again?

[anika99]

I personally couldn't imagine having that many little kids that close together in age. Your wife must find it overwhelming. You said she is about due to give birth to the 5th so she must be very uncomfortable at the moment and she is still looking after 4 little ones. whew! I don't know how she does it because I couldn't, but considering all that she is dealing with at the moment it might explain her short fuse a bit.

 

You and your wife agreed to having all of these kids so you don't get to check out now. Regardless of whatever fight you are having with your wife you still need to be at home with your kids when you are finished working. Avoiding your home responsibilities is only going to exacerbate the existing problems. This isn't going to be forever. Over the next few years the older kids will start entering school and you and your wife will have more options regarding working and getting romantic time together. For now you need to suck it up just like your wife has to and be a good parent which means going home after work.

 

Why are you making an issue about the name theme now? Why give the last kid a name that sets him/her apart from their siblings? I mean it's not a big deal but I can see why your wife wants to follow the same pattern with naming this baby.

[aileD]

Man up. You don't get to hide away. You made this family too and now she's stuck with all the responsibility of it (minus financial). She's right. She gave up a lot to be able to stay home with the kids and you know what????? That's hard for us women because we want to be there for our kids and raise them and not send them off to daycare...we mother. But mothering is HARD. It sucks all the adult life out of you. You're surrounded by kids all day. Adult interaction is usually limited to other moms and talking about the kids. You sacrifice your career dreams and goals. I'm sure she's still paying student loans for a career she isn't even doing and that's a hard pill to swallow.

 

You going to work every day is like a vacation to her. I'm sure you work very hard to support your family and that's admirable. I applaud you for being that type of man because they're a dying breed. But I don't think you understand the stress she is under. If you have times for vacations, I suggest you take a week vacation from work and stay home with the children for a week and send her off to an island with her mom or a girlfriend (after she has the baby of course). Then you will get s taste of what it's really like to be home with five kids 24/7.

 

Everyone is right on the E names. Sorry. You want to single one kid out and give him/her a complex growing up? "Oh why is little johnny not little Edward?" I have a weird name and people always singled me out when I was growing up and it made me insecure about myself .

 

Compromise by having you pick the middle name.

 

You need a reset. Wife needs a reset. Your relationship has to come first. You cannot hide away at work. Maybe you can hire a nanny or mothers helper two to three days a week just to help out your wife.

 

I think the key to a happy marriage for you is reducing the stress on your wife. If you know she's having a bad day, come home and take the kids out for a few hours. Then maybe she will have time to relax and appreciate you and maybe you'll get some much needed attention.

 

Just please. Continue to be a good man. You don't want to be the jerk that cheats on his wife and five kids because you weren't getting enough attention. She has already made a lot of sacrifices for this family, don't slam her worth i to the ground with an affair ok?

 

Get some outside help with the kids, give her a break sometimes, and tell her wften she's doing a great job