Im not sure if im a complete idiot, or only part of one.

[gog1980]

Hi - im new to these forums and am looking to get a little outside perspective on the disintegration of our 10 year relationship.

 

Things have, in the last year (at least) taken a turn for the worse. Currently me and my OH are (again) not talking and she is (again) saying she wants to split. This is a regular occurence which ends up usually with one of us or the other sleeping on the couch for a couple nights before we make up, but im beginning to realise we are in deep trouble.

 

She is 29 and im 36. We both work and have 2 young kids (9 and 6) who live with us. I work 50 hours a week mon-fri and she does 3 night shifts a week 10pm to 6:30am which often means we see each other quite little.

 

I am not good with the housework, I get thekids ready and put them to bed each night, i do all the dishes and clean the kitchen and take out the bins every day, but all the rest she does - hoovering, cleaning, washing clothes, ironing etc. One of the main causes of our frequent arguments is the fact she wants me to do more to help out around the house and I dont feel i have time as i get home 15 mins before kids bed time and by then she has done all the housework for the day. I appreciate what she does for me but probably dont thank her as much as she expects.

 

We have issues with trust, caused i think going back a number of years when i caught her betraying my trust several times with an ex of hers, which carried on for a number of months mostly via text and phonecalls but i know they also met up. I caught her once, she promised it would never happen again yet a couple months later i caught her still in contact with the same guy. This second time I almost left but decided to give it one last chance because at the time our youngest was only several months old. Since then, I believe she has not spoken to this guy but I still find odd messages from time to time from unknown numbers - I know looking at her phone is untrusting but my insecurity, especially when she is in one of her 'moods' where i get the cold shoulder for long periods for the usual 'not helping around the house' reasons.

 

I have never been unfaithful to her in any way, yet she is suspicious of me when i go away overnight with friends (they live too far for me to get home after a night out).

 

Whats getting to me is the fact that shes using the possibility of splitting up to get me to back down and take all the responsibility for the arguments. I usually do, because im worn out and exhausted from the atmosphere in the house and its not fair on the kids. The eldest is now old enough to pick up on things and obviously they both notice when one of us is on the couch in the morning.

 

I have no real local friends or family who I can turn to for support, and its not really been something ive ever done for one reason or another. Likely I feel that im a bloke and should be able to deal with this on my own. She has lots of friends and family, all very close and they are all told her version of events and rally behind her telling her shes in the right and shouldnt put up with such inequality.

 

I feel that she projects much of the stress (lack of sleep due to nightshift), family issues between her parents, her constant worry about her weight (she is not overweight but always thinks so) on to me and uses me as an outlet for all thats wrong in her life. Im an easy target and its mostly things like i dont do enough hosuework, or i dont pay her enough attention or im not romantic enough. I know im not, but ive always been like that and she used to be ok with it. I try but its never enough, and that at least is probably my own failing.

 

Im starting to feel like maybe it is all my fault after all, but she completely refuses to accept any blame for our relationship ending up here. I still love her and she says she loves me too but I worry that shes only saying that because of the kids and the hassle that comes with separating. We rarely talk and we both spend far too much time looking at our phones. I go on motorcycle and car forums, and she on facebook and talking to friends/family. It seems we can be in the same room but completely apart and with so little time we get actually together in the house, its not what we should be doing when we do get alone time.

 

I know I play a part in this, im not blameless, but I would really welcome some unbiased advice from anyone thats been in a similar relationship. Is it worth trying to bake it better? I really miss the person she used to be. Should we throw in the towel, make it as easy as possible on the kids, and call it a day?

 

Thanks.

[Friskyone4u]

You can't build a better relationship without TRUST , and you do not have it in her with good reason. She has cheated on you with the same OM at least two times now and you have rugswept it. And you are still finding numbers that you are clueless who they belong to which further erodes the trust.

 

OK, you both own 50% of the marital problems but now she wants a split at the same time you are still suspicious of her fidelity. You better get that answer before doing anything. And stop apologizing for snooping on her.

 

SHE CHEATED ON YOU TWICE . Read that again. That disqualifies her from having secret communications and private friends. Read that again.

 

If you don't or can't trust her, then divorce her . No relationship can move forward without the trust.

 

And understand, when a woman wants "space" who is married, there is usually another man either on the horizon if not there already. The separation gives her time and opportunity to try him out and then come back if it does not work out.

 

You have told her if she cheated again you were done. You obviously think she still mi9ght be at it with someone. Find out and then you will know what to do. And do not ask her. Yup. SNOOP

[Mr. Lucky]

Im an easy target and its mostly things like i dont do enough hosuework, or i dont pay her enough attention or im not romantic enough. I know im not, but ive always been like that and she used to be ok with it. I try but its never enough, and that at least is probably my own failing.

 

I'm going to set the issue of infidelity aside, the time to address that would have been before you had a second child together.

 

Are you married?

 

Your statement above is a cop-out, incompetence isn't where you want to plant your flag. Housework can be learned, you can pay attention to her when she speaks and dot/cross the romantic i's and t's in a relationship. Do your part without worrying about hers, it's one way to start things moving.

 

You guys need the help that counseling can provide. Given what's at stake, I wouldn't delay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gog1980]

Thanks for the input guys. I appreciate both points of view.

 

With the firdelity thing the last proof was 5 years ago now, and most of the unknown numbers at least some of the time ive found out they are parents of kids friends and work colleagues. Im willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at the moment where thats concerned. On my phone I have many texts and calls from unsaved numbers.

 

We are not married, its not something either of us feels necessary as neither of us are religious and money is tight. We would rather the kids have decent clothes and quality of life than a ring and bit of paper.

 

We are talking again (as usually happens after a few days of this) and have both made some agreements - as suggested ill try and do my part to give her the help she needs around the house and 'romatically' and she has agreed to try and see things from my perspective ie sometimes I work too much to do half the housework.

 

We have made such promises before but never seem to keep them. This time I am set to at least fill my side of it and see what happens. Im not adverse to seeing a counsellor, and may well bring it up with her at a convenient time for the sake of the kids.

 

Cheers.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are not married, its not something either of us feels necessary as neither of us are religious and money is tight. We would rather the kids have decent clothes and quality of life than a ring and bit of paper.

 

I ask only because marriage can be that last piece of glue holding you together when times get tough. These threats of splitting up aren't healthy or constructive and the uncertainty is bad for your kids.

 

Im not adverse to seeing a counsellor, and may well bring it up with her at a convenient time for the sake of the kids.

 

Hope you follow through. Finding ways to discuss rather than argue - or threaten - can really help. Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Not sure if this will help or hurt you but one of the things I noticed my wife was cheating on me was that she would create arguments or argue over next to nothing just find stuff to argue about so that when it came time to go see her Affair partner she felt justified in doing it... or better about herself... or I don't know what she felt really to be honest but that's what she did.

[Cephalopod]

What does "OH" mean? I think some of you make up acronyms just for the hell of it.

[aileD]

OH IS OTHER HALF

 

 

honestly. I worked the night shift for eight years and it killed my marriage. You are so tired, you don't think straight, you get irritable easier and it messes with your metabolism.

 

I don't know about the rest of your stuff, but if she can get off the night shift maybe you guys can have more quality time together where both of you are clear in mind because I was a zombie for 8 years because of the night shift...humans aren't made to work at night.

[sandylee1]

I certainly think couple's counselling is worth a try.

 

Now I know you said that you aren't romantic ... and never have been, but if a bit of romance is something she's clearly expressed she wants. ... would it be too much to try? I mean many people complain that they thought their OH was happy and they never said anything .... but she has said what she wants.

 

Isn't part of being in a relationship trying to meet the other person's needs?

 

I'm sure you probably have some needs that she's not meeting as well, so do let her know.

 

It also doesn't sound like you get much time together as a couple without the kids. You do need things to bring back the fun and enjoyment to your lives.

 

Quality family time as well as couple time is really important. When you invest in doing fun activities with the kids and see how enjoying it is, that can make the two of you connected as well and you get the feeling of never wanting to break up that family unit, but you also want to be happy with your relationship.

[Cephalopod]

Don't stay with a cheater who does not love or respect you. Let her go back to her ex.

[Superchicken]

As others have said, once a person cheats, then they should be prepared for the "Police Line up" every time you have that feeling.

Once the "Charge" sticks, you are regarded as a "Con" for life. At least until a "Pardon" is given by yourself.

 

 

I would be a little interested why she is worried about "Putting on weight". To me, unless she is trying to look good for someone else, it wouldn't be a issue.

Plus, add to that, her suspecting you of cheating, when there has been no such evidence, would also make me worried.

 

 

Maybe sit down with her, and discuss sharing work loads, maybe do alternates where you swap chores, etc..

 

 

But, I would keep one eye open while sleeping..

 

 

Ted.

[KimJ1234]

There a few issues that came to mind.

 

1) it seems like she's calling your bluff to see if you would leave. Since she may have cheated before and you forgave she thinks she can keep doing it with no consequences

 

2) she knows that if she threatens to leave you, you will keep quiet and move on. So she does this often, it's working for her.

 

3) working long shifts on different schedules can wreak havoc. You become disconnected with each other and eventually become roommates, and resentful

 

4) she's feeling unappreciated and used. Like she's a maid. Just saying "I appreciate what you do" isn't enough. It sounds robotic after a while. You need to be specific and really make her believe it.

 

If you choose to forgive she needs to be an open book and you both need to realize what mistakes were made along the way so you can work on them together.

Wish you all the best

Edited November 18, 2016 by KimJ1234