women being dumped, how much is normal?

[hotpotato]

I feel better letting off some steam!

[hotpotato]

I am kinda feeling the urge to date, but i dont know if i will.

 

I told someone about my plan. They said i couldnt be sure a guy was gonna dump me. I said not 100% but naybe 85-90%. There is that chance that a guy wouldnt dump me.

[RecentChange]

How can you place odds on “if you are going to get dumped” if you aren’t even dating someone?!?

 

Oh, I know how. If you don’t have a healthy self-esteem, if you do not love yourself, and command respect from others, if you invite toxic people into your life, if you chase men who have repeatedly shown you that they don’t care about you, men that aren’t compassionate, if you tolerate poor treatment again and again.

 

Then yes, if pursue an unhealthy relationship, continue to cling on after it is clear he has very little respect for you, then the odds are very high that you will be dumped.

 

But if you loved and respected yourself, and only sought relationships with men who respected you, enjoyed you, and cherished you – then your odds of being dumped are pretty darn low.

 

If you keep repeating the same patterns – you have to identify the common dominator – in this case, that would be you, not the men.

[hotpotato]

This doesn't define someone as in introvert.

 

Then what does?

[hotpotato]

How can you place odds on “if you are going to get dumped” if you aren’t even dating someone?!?

 

Oh, I know how. If you don’t have a healthy self-esteem, if you do not love yourself, and command respect from others, if you invite toxic people into your life, if you chase men who have repeatedly shown you that they don’t care about you, men that aren’t compassionate, if you tolerate poor treatment again and again.

 

Then yes, if pursue an unhealthy relationship, continue to cling on after it is clear he has very little respect for you, then the odds are very high that you will be dumped.

 

But if you loved and respected yourself, and only sought relationships with men who respected you, enjoyed you, and cherished you – then your odds of being dumped are pretty darn low.

 

If you keep repeating the same patterns – you have to identify the common dominator – in this case, that would be you, not the men.

What are you talking about? I havent chased a man since my early 20s.

The last two guys i dated were fine. The last one wasnt perfect, but iverall was great. One before him, we didnt even argue, and he still dumped me.

 

Maybe you can tell me how to be confident if i get dumped everytime i date.

 

I do have issues some of them related to spending years and years at a time single. I do have my quirks as well. Now im at the age where guys will expect me to know what to do.

[RecentChange]

Chase as in - try to keep an unsuitable relationship. You have to be clinging on to something to end up dumped each time.

 

I would say it is NOT normal, for a male or female to get dumped in each relationship. My best guess - you aren't good at reading people. You probably can't tell the subtle signs of disrespect, or the signs you are irritating someone.

 

Lets see - quick glance at your thread history.

 

You had a thread about men oggling other women in front of you. That screams disrespect - why were you ever with such a person(s)? You actually said you have dated multiple men that have done this - and others pointed out, any douche that did that should be kicked to the curb - but I guess you wait for them to dump you?

 

You have one called "men do not like me" - and posters pointed out the following which I agree with.

 

*Maybe these guys are douche bags?

 

*We choose the people we interact with.

 

*Sounds like you need to take time away from dating and figure out what is it about you that make these men make up excuses and dump you. It's easy to blame men but this seems to be happening on a consistent basis so the person to blame is YOU!!

 

*What i see is alot of insecurity and you doing thing so they can stay or like you more

 

*Stop dating, work on your self esteem.

 

*It sounds like you have issues with relating and interacting with both genders

 

*it sounds like you are meeting pretty low quality men who are just interested in using women and then moving on to the next. You probably need to adjust your screening process if the only men you are meeting are like this.

 

*My question is .....do you like yourself?

 

I could be wrong, but I just get this feeling from your posts that you don't. If that's the case, that could be the biggest thing driving men away.*

 

I would say yes, you "chase" or perhaps accept the advances of, and stay with crappy guys - because your picker is off - because you do not demand respect and extrude confidence.

[Sweetfish]

What are you talking about? I havent chased a man since my early 20s.

The last two guys i dated were fine. The last one wasnt perfect, but iverall was great. One before him, we didnt even argue, and he still dumped me.

 

Maybe you can tell me how to be confident if i get dumped everytime i date.

 

I do have issues some of them related to spending years and years at a time single. I do have my quirks as well. Now im at the age where guys will expect me to know what to do.

 

 

Wait? How old are you?

[hotpotato]

Chase as in - try to keep an unsuitable relationship. You have to be clinging on to something to end up dumped each time.

 

I would say it is NOT normal, for a male or female to get dumped in each relationship. My best guess - you aren't good at reading people. You probably can't tell the subtle signs of disrespect, or the signs you are irritating someone.

 

Lets see - quick glance at your thread history.

 

You had a thread about men oggling other women in front of you. That screams disrespect - why were you ever with such a person(s)? You actually said you have dated multiple men that have done this - and others pointed out, any douche that did that should be kicked to the curb - but I guess you wait for them to dump you?

 

You have one called "men do not like me" - and posters pointed out the following which I agree with.

 

 

 

I would say yes, you "chase" or perhaps accept the advances of, and stay with crappy guys - because your picker is off - because you do not demand respect and extrude confidence.

Some of these guys who were ogling, those are men from long ago.

I definitely wouldn't call the last two guys crappy. The one before last was ok up until the last month. The other one had a deal breaker, but he was otherwise boyfriend of the year.

 

Can you tell me how to be confident if i get dumped every time?

 

It's a vicious cycle. I don't have the experience other women have. Then when i finally do date, i get dumped, which makes me want to date even less.

[hotpotato]

Wait? How old are you?

 

almost 30, i have a relationship every couple of years

[Sweetfish]

almost 30, i have a relationship every couple of years

 

Explain the guys you are dating just the long term ones.. personality traits and what happens prior to breakup

[hotpotato]

It's mostly breakup with little warning and little or no explanation. The last one was rocky because of a certain dealbreaker, but it wasn't all around bad. Aside from that the relationships were smooth sailing with few if any arguments.

[basil67]

It's mostly breakup with little warning and little or no explanation. The last one was rocky because of a certain dealbreaker, but it wasn't all around bad. Aside from that the relationships were smooth sailing with few if any arguments.

 

If there was a deal breaker, then it was a given that this relationship would end. It's the ones which were smooth sailing but ended which are odd....

[RecentChange]

That doesn't make sense, and again my guess is that you are not reading people well, and missing signs that they are not happy with the way the relationship is going.

 

Everything thing great then *poof* dumped over and over does not make logical sense.

 

I think if we asked the guy's their side they would have a different story.

 

For the record I have broken up with guys that I never fought or argued with, because I don't like fighting or arguing with my romantic interest.

 

But I will go cold and tell them it's not working.

[basil67]

How do solve being a doormat? Start arguments? Ive never had a guy tell me i was mean unless he had already put me through the wringer. The guy before last and i never had an argument, and he still dumped me.

 

To stop being a doormat, you need to be assertive. Being assertive is about putting your boundaries in place and getting your needs met WITHOUT starting an argument. If you are unable to get your point across without an argument, then you need to learn better communication.

 

With the guy before last...you don't need to be having frequent arguments to have a relationship end. Many of us can look at who a person is and recognise that this is who they are and that makes them unsuitable for us.

 

There's no sense in arguing over that unsuitability because it will solve nothing and just be a waste of time and effort.

[hotpotato]

That doesn't make sense, and again my guess is that you are not reading people well, and missing signs that they are not happy with the way the relationship is going.

 

Everything thing great then *poof* dumped over and over does not make logical sense.

 

I think if we asked the guy's their side they would have a different story.

 

For the record I have broken up with guys that I never fought or argued with, because I don't like fighting or arguing with my romantic interest.

 

But I will go cold and tell them it's not working.

 

Welp, that's what happened. One guy was telling me how great i was before he dumped me. If he was unhappy, he certainly didn't say anything. Yup. Welcome to my dating life.

[hotpotato]

To stop being a doormat, you need to be assertive. Being assertive is about putting your boundaries in place and getting your needs met WITHOUT starting an argument. If you are unable to get your point across without an argument, then you need to learn better communication.

 

With the guy before last...you don't need to be having frequent arguments to have a relationship end. Many of us can look at who a person is and recognise that this is who they are and that makes them unsuitable for us.

 

There's no sense in arguing over that unsuitability because it will solve nothing and just be a waste of time and effort.

 

I already asked the last guy. Nope, i'm definitely not a doormat. I don't even think the in the worst relationship that guy would call me a doormat. I was on him A LOT.

[basil67]

I already asked the last guy. Nope, i'm definitely not a doormat. I don't even think the in the worst relationship that guy would call me a doormat. I was on him A LOT.

 

I didn't suggest you were a doormat. I was just answering your question on how to stop being a doormat.

 

Perhaps being on him A LOT was the issue? This type of nagging behaviour in a partner would be an excellent reason to dump them. The fact that you thought the opposite of 'doormat' was 'starting fights' makes me wonder if you were aggressive instead of assertive.

 

Why were you on his case so much? Why didn't you just realise the incompatibility and leave?

[basil67]

Welp, that's what happened. One guy was telling me how great i was before he dumped me. If he was unhappy, he certainly didn't say anything. Yup. Welcome to my dating life.

 

So, you were super compatible and you were never on his case about anything? No dealbreakers? No 'ups and downs'?

[hotpotato]

So, you were super compatible and you were never on his case about anything? No dealbreakers? No 'ups and downs'?

 

Nope, just smooth sailing. If he was unhappy, he never said anything. I wasn't sure if we were super compatible. No ups and downs. He all of a sudden (it seemed sudden at the time) dumped me in a terrible way.

[hotpotato]

I didn't suggest you were a doormat. I was just answering your question on how to stop being a doormat.

 

Perhaps being on him A LOT was the issue? This type of nagging behaviour in a partner would be an excellent reason to dump them. The fact that you thought the opposite of 'doormat' was 'starting fights' makes me wonder if you were aggressive instead of assertive.

 

Why were you on his case so much? Why didn't you just realise the incompatibility and leave?

 

I was on that man a lot because he was verbally abusive and on the verge of being physically abusive. I had very good reason to be on his case.

[basil67]

I was on that man a lot because he was verbally abusive and on the verge of being physically abusive. I had very good reason to be on his case.

 

No, you had very good reason to run for the hills. Being on an abuser's case will achieve nothing and it a complete waste of your time.

[Sweetfish]

Nope, just smooth sailing. If he was unhappy, he never said anything. I wasn't sure if we were super compatible. No ups and downs. He all of a sudden (it seemed sudden at the time) dumped me in a terrible way.

 

No... Your doing something. I don't know what it is... but what ever it is I suggest you start becoming self aware. Either your selecting badboys and you don't have the allure to maintain the attraction of the badboys or your doing something that pushes these guys away.

[hotpotato]

No... Your doing something. I don't know what it is... but what ever it is I suggest you start becoming self aware. Either your selecting badboys and you don't have the allure to maintain the attraction of the badboys or your doing something that pushes these guys away.

 

No, some of them were actually geeky! The meanest guy i dated was a computer geek. The one before last was a little geeky,too.

 

Ok, so i don't know what i'm doing. Why not date a guy them dump him first?

They don't tell me at the time what i'm doing wrong. I can't read peoples mind. So what do i do?

[hotpotato]

No, you had very good reason to run for the hills. Being on an abuser's case will achieve nothing and it a complete waste of your time.

 

That was my longest relationship so i guess i did something right.

 

I'm glad i did stick around because i'll never want to go back to him again. I did everything i could.

[Sweetfish]

No, some of them were actually geeky! The meanest guy i dated was a computer geek. The one before last was a little geeky,too.

 

Ok, so i don't know what i'm doing. Why not date a guy them dump him first?

They don't tell me at the time what i'm doing wrong. I can't read peoples mind. So what do i do?

 

OK.. were getting closer to the problem in baby steps.

 

I asked you prior about the guys you dated and their personality traits. The problems are starting to shift more in your plate. Im not saying these guys are perfect, but a geeky guy is will willing to take alot more stress than a badboy.

 

Are you quirky, have weird habits, or do you becoming nagging?