If I pursue this relationship I will never have children

[SunBird]

I'm at that moment in life where I really need to know if I want to have kids or not. I'm 38. Last chance saloon.

 

Until recently I was single so the decision was made for me (I would never consider going it alone). About 6 months ago I started a relationship with a close friend of mine. So far so good! Of course there are always challenges, but we are steadily working through them and communicating. Despite both of us having mental health problems, it is still the healthiest relationship I have ever managed and I haven't lost myself like I did in the past.

 

Being in a relationship has really helped my feeling of security, done away with the loneliness, and given me the headspace to think about life's bigger picture.

 

I've never been one of these girls who knew they wanted kids from the outset. I have never been sure and believe, to an extent, that life decides for you. Ultimately we don't choose who we fall in love with, or if we even do. We don't decide if we are fertile either.

 

That being said, we can choose a partner with the same hopes and dreams. This becomes harder when you are less sure of your dreams. I knew P's views before we got together. But it is really dawning on me now that this is it. I.E. If I keep trying and building on this relationship, even if it didn't work out, I will have missed my biological clock window.

 

Perhaps that is just how it is. No kids. That is my future. But I am petrified i will resent him or wake up age 45 and it be too late. So many of my friends have kids. I am surrounded.

 

Interestingly I avoid seeing them mostly. I've spent the last few years taking up new hobbies and meeting new people so that I didn't have to be around my friends with their children. I can't work out why. I'm not sure if its because i just dont enjoy being around them or if it is because it is hard to see all the 'happy families' when you are not in that place yourself.

 

Recently i was worried i was pregnant, not very seriously, just enough to really think about it. When i thought 'what would i do', for the first time ever i thought i would seriously consider going with it. At the same time I dont know how I would manage. I am still dealing with my poor parenting, a result of which is some serious depression and anxiety issues. The idea of A) doing the same to my own children or B) falling ill with post natal depression is utterly petrifying. Even if my partner changed his mind about kids.

 

Apologies for the long monologue. Its really playing on my mind. Has anyone had a similar experience or has any advice on how I can work out what i want and be true to myself?

 

Thank you for listening

[olivetree]

Hi SunBird,

 

So your current partner doesn't want children, you don't know if you do either, but you at least want the choice and feel it would be decided for you if you were to stay with him. And it's true, he has been clear and honest with you about what he wants, so if you stayed with him and became resentful, that would be on you.

 

I can certainly appreciate what a tough decision it is for some people to have children. Especially when their own childhood was not good.

 

The chances of you meeting someone else soon that you want to spend the rest of your life with who is also ok with having or not having children is an unknown.

 

I do think that someone who is compatible with you will have similar viewpoints on whether or not they want to have a family.

 

I know it's still early on, but do you think you could be happy just loving your partner for the rest of your life?

 

Ultimately you will need to figure out if you want children or not and if you can provide a great life for them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Recently i was worried i was pregnant, not very seriously, just enough to really think about it. When i thought 'what would i do', for the first time ever i thought i would seriously consider going with it.

 

Are you using birth control or trying to get pregnant?

 

It would be unfair to your partner to make him a father without his consent. Given your conflicted state, that alone might be a reason to end the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

I'm not so sure that having a baby out of desperation is ever a good idea.

 

Have you always wanted to get married and have children? Or is this something you want now because time is ticking?

 

And do you plan to have more than one child or are you planning to have your end of life care and the responsibility that goes with it fall solely on just one child before leaving them all alone in this world once you're gone?

 

I understand you have a need but have you considered that this person you bring into the world is going to have needs too?

 

Being a good parent means being selfless at times. Many times actually. Too many to count....and sometimes the most selfless thing a person can do is not get pregnant in the first place.

 

So what's the reason you want to have a baby again?

[SunBird]

Thank guys - these are really useful comments to get the old grey matter going.

 

I would NEVER have a child to benefit myself. I have always loved and dreamed the idea of being part of a family (especially not having had a loving environment), and I have a lot of love to give, but always been nervous about how I would manage. I'm not thinking of having a child in desperation OR just having a child becasue time is ticking. I just feel I need to know what I want before it is too late to have any choice.

 

In terms of worrying out pregnancy lately, it really was unjustified. We very efficiently use withdrawal at a non-risk time. It just made me think about it.

 

Amaysngrace - I would never plan for one child if I was going to go for it. Your message is a little attacking! I am selfless to my detriment and indeed am childless at 38 exactly becasue I would never put myself first (I even re-homed my tortoise when I was worried I couldn't give it 100%! - before anyone gets upset, I know a tortoise isn't the same as a child, I am just keeping it light!).

 

Olivetree thank you for your gentle and insightful words.

 

I think the reality may be that I am just "not ready in time" and I need to deal with that and grieve it in my own way.

[Poe77]

I'm not so sure that having a baby out of desperation is ever a good idea.

 

Have you always wanted to get married and have children? Or is this something you want now because time is ticking?

 

And do you plan to have more than one child or are you planning to have your end of life care and the responsibility that goes with it fall solely on just one child before leaving them all alone in this world once you're gone?

 

I understand you have a need but have you considered that this person you bring into the world is going to have needs too?

 

Being a good parent means being selfless at times. Many times actually. Too many to count....and sometimes the most selfless thing a person can do is not get pregnant in the first place.

 

So what's the reason you want to have a baby again?

 

I dont know about this I had brothers growing up and its no garentee that you will all be the "happy family" for ever even after your parents pass I never speak to mine and we live on opposite sides of the country. just like there is no garentee that a single child will grow up and be lonely all the time both have their pros and cons...this is kinda like shaming single child homes and im sorry I dont think that's right..

 

Just cause a couple dont think they can support more then one child that means they are selfish and shouldn't have any? all life is a gift sure there are struggles but everyone has them regardless if they have zero siblings or dozens...some time big family's are not the answer ether you know.

 

my own bf has 9 other brothers and sisters his mother couldn't really parent or support them all but she loves big families so she just kept right on going and guess what? my bf being the oldest got to play suroget mother/father to most of them to this day he littrialy will say he raised half his siblings on his own..hes quite proud of this and tho I love him it makes me so sad cause you know what? Hes not interested in what most men his age are marrying or having a family cause hes been there and done that..so please dont shame small/single family homes around me..

 

Now onto the OPs original post.. OP ive been sort of feeling the same way you have. today is my birthday im 39 and I know what you mean about the clock ticking and wondering if not having a kid is what you really want..sadly as I said above my BF pretty much doesn't want kids cause he already had them..so im left kinda feeling bad about things..funny thing is I never even considered it with any other man until I met him and hes broken to the idea..*sigh* I really dont know what to tell you other then your not alone and I hope you can find what ever decisions make you happy in the end..

[SunBird]

Thanks for listening Poe and Happy Birthday!!

 

I guess we just have to let life decide for us sometimes.It's a funny age isn't it. x

[Mr. Lucky]

In terms of worrying out pregnancy lately, it really was unjustified. We very efficiently use withdrawal at a non-risk time. It just made me think about it.

 

Having grown up Catholic and around many large families, we used to tell this joke:

 

Q - What do you call people who use the withdrawal method?

 

A - Parents

 

Hope you come to a decision that works for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sand to Glass]

I think the reality may be that I am just "not ready in time" and I need to deal with that and grieve it in my own way.

 

Just another angle, but if you are uncertain about having children, there are still ways you can be around them, provide for them, be good influence and a positive figure in children's lives. I am younger than you but spent the past 6? years with the understanding that I couldn't get pregnant without assistance... and my body might not keep it if I did. So it really made me reflect on what I truly wanted.

 

I concluded my desire was not necessarily to have my own biological children, but I definitely wanted to contribute to the next generation. I wanted to be a role model. So, I tutor friends' kids in math and science, I taught morality lessons as a Sunday School teacher for a while, I give homework advice on a children's forum, and I decided that if I ever wanted a child in my home, I'd adopt as *pregnancy* (and all the pills and shots I'll get for it) was not my goal.

 

Point is, there's not just two options, so it'd be good to reflect and figure out the details of motherhood that have you uncertain. It can help you decide on whether to continue this relationship or search for another with that door still open.

[mikeylo]

Maybe freeze your eggs in the meantime?

[MJJean]

Thanks for listening Poe and Happy Birthday!!

 

I guess we just have to let life decide for us sometimes.It's a funny age isn't it. x

 

This is untrue. You are the captain of your ship. The ship doesn't decide where it goes, the captain does.

 

Yes, you're coming close to the end of natural fertility. It is now or never. You get to decide what to do, not random events. If you want a child, have one. If you do not want a child, don't.

 

Ignore the blather about leaving a singleton child all alone in the world. Many people are only children and happy for it. Many have siblings they hate.

 

If you were to have a child and stop at the one, your child would have your undivided attention and guidance, grow up, and likely marry and/or have children of it's own. By the time you passed on, assuming a normal average lifespan, you'd likely be leaving behind an adult with at least friends, family, and probably with a spouse and children of their own.

[elaine567]

OK so imagine you are now 52, you don't have kids and your bf has now moved on and is in a relationship with a 35yo who is pregnant with their baby and he is ecstatic at the thought of being a father.

 

How do you feel?

Glad you never had any kids, or are you eaten up with regret that you never took the initiative and had kids when you had the chance.

 

Men can change their mind about kids pretty late in life, you cannot. It is now or never. There is no reason you cannot have a few kids, if you get going pretty soon so I am not sure where this only child idea comes from.

I totally agree with MJJean you cannot just wait and see with kids, you are in a relationship where kids atm are not an option. If you want kids then sticking around with this man until you are 50, will not give you any kids will it?

Take charge of your life, if you want kids then just go and find a man who wants what you want.

 

Halle Berry had her first at 41 and her second at 47 and Susan Sarandon gave birth to her first child, at 39 and then went on to have two others at age 42 and at age 45.

[RecentChange]

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I think the risks associated with pregnancy later in life should be considered as well.

 

For instance the rate of Down Syndrome is 1 in 1,400 among mothers aged 20-24. By the age of 30, the rate climbs to 1 out of 900.

 

38 years? Now the rate is 1 out of 120

 

43 years? 1 out of 35

 

There are other conditions as well that are brought on by older eggs or sperm as they are more likely to have DNA variations.

 

Plus older mothers experience more complications with pregnancy.

[elaine567]

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I think the risks associated with pregnancy later in life should be considered as well.

 

For instance the rate of Down Syndrome is 1 in 1,400 among mothers aged 20-24. By the age of 30, the rate climbs to 1 out of 900.

 

38 years? Now the rate is 1 out of 120

 

43 years? 1 out of 35

 

There are other conditions as well that are brought on by older eggs or sperm as they are more likely to have DNA variations.

 

Plus older mothers experience more complications with pregnancy.

 

Down's is screened for in pregnancy.

More risk of complications in older women yes, but the risk is still very small.

[GunslingerRoland]

There are ways to get the fulfillment of raising children without becoming a biological parent. Adoption, being a step parent, even just being the favorite auntie.

 

But of course if your partner doesn't want kids and you do stay together, at least the first two are still off the table. Only you can decide how you want to live your life, and if you can imagine it without kids or not. Since it doesn't sound like you are truly sure if you even want kids at this stage in your life, maybe this isn't the worst thing for you anyway...

[Clep]

Are you using birth control or trying to get pregnant?

 

It would be unfair to your partner to make him a father without his consent. Given your conflicted state, that alone might be a reason to end the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Her partner can't be made a father without his consent. He can choose to use a condom or have a baby. You are actually suggesting he has a right to leave a relationship because she didn't take on the responsibility of birth control for both of them. Many men really need to grow up.

[BlackCherry]

Her partner can't be made a father without his consent. He can choose to use a condom or have a baby. You are actually suggesting he has a right to leave a relationship because she didn't take on the responsibility of birth control for both of them. Many men really need to grow up.

 

 

Not sure if you're being serious or just playing devil'a advocate but I'll bite as this is simple ridiculous. Of course men can be made to be a father without their consent. Some women lie about being on the pill. Some even poke holes in condoms. Or in this case, the woman could lie about where they are in their cycle! I don't have any reason to believe this of the OP but your statement is simply inaccurate.

 

What do you suggest men do to safeguard against that? Treat their partners or spouse as a liar? Insist on witnessing them taking the pill each night? Refuse to have sex without a condom they've pulled from their own stash even though the woman they love and trust says she's on the contraceptive pill?

 

It happens.

[PhoenixRysing]

I don't think the OP is at all talking about getting pregnant without her partner's consent. She only brought up the unprotected sex between them as her point that the minor panic brought on my riskier sex made her really consider how she felt about having kids.

 

OP I understand where you are coming from and have not felt compelled to post in a while until now. I am in the same boat as you are. I am 39 now and very much in love with a man who is not interested in having children with me. Our situation is a bit unique as we were both previously married - I raised my ex-husband's children and he had 4 (almost grown) children with his ex-wife. He is now "fixed" and feels he has been there done that and is ready to live a life without kids under foot. I never had children of my own.

 

Funny though, I have never been clear on whether I wanted children, and with my ex I most assuredly did not! But now, I face the choice being permanently gone and it gives me pause.

 

I also actually love and respect this man as a father - which weirdly for the first time makes me sure that I DO want children - but with him. Since he does not want them, and I do not know if I will feel this way with anyone else I am unclear how to proceed. I have explained this to him because he worries that he is holding me back. Meanwhile, this is the first time in more than a decade I have actually felt loved and adored despite dating others for quite a while.

 

So - I wasn't sure if I wanted children before but liked having the option. The option is now completely off the table if I stay with my love - and ridiculously, for the first time I actually WANT children. And no, it is not because I want what I can't have, it is because I am in love with this man. I want to share that with HIM. I think he is an amazing father, lover, and will be a fantastic husband.

 

Sigh - I don't have an answer for you or Poe77, but thought I would jump in and let you both know you were not alone in hopes that maybe we might share the crazy making thought process together.

 

ETA - I suppose I have some sort of reactive hormonal response. Only when I am with a wonderful, kind, amazingly patient man, who I see is a good father, does the baby appeal kick in for me. I have 0 desire to go out and have a child on my own despite knowing that option is available if I really want children. I don't want children. I want a happy home with a father and mother who have natural extension of themselves that they share together and raise together...a child born of the love of those people. Not just my child. Ours together. Without him, that does not exist. Ok, now I am rambling.

Edited November 3, 2016 by PhoenixRysing

[Mr. Lucky]

And no, it is not because I want what I can't have, it is because I am in love with this man.

 

Seems like self sabotage, this is only a problem to the degree you let it be.

 

Loving him means accepting him both for what he is and what he wants. He's neither able to have kids nor desiring of raising them, both facts known to you since day one. Sounds like you have a good thing going, not sure why you'd let this put a damper on any part of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Her partner can't be made a father without his consent. He can choose to use a condom or have a baby. You are actually suggesting he has a right to leave a relationship because she didn't take on the responsibility of birth control for both of them. Many men really need to grow up.

 

If you'll get off your soapbox, you'll understand I was looking at the OP's pespective. Did she want to take on the challenges of parenthood with a less than willing partner, one who's been vocal about not wanting kids? If not, she should take steps to ensure it doesn't happen.

 

Hard enough with two people on board. Not a recipe for success to have one feeling he's held hostage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JoeSmith357-1]

Not sure if you're being serious or just playing devil'a advocate but I'll bite as this is simple ridiculous. Of course men can be made to be a father without their consent. Some women lie about being on the pill. Some even poke holes in condoms. Or in this case, the woman could lie about where they are in their cycle!

 

Of course that never happens...

[PhoenixRysing]

Seems like self sabotage, this is only a problem to the degree you let it be.

 

Loving him means accepting him both for what he is and what he wants. He's neither able to have kids nor desiring of raising them, both facts known to you since day one. Sounds like you have a good thing going, not sure why you'd let this put a damper on any part of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Absolutely right on all counts.To be fair to him, I am just working through my own choices and getting real with myself about how I ended up in the position I am in - none of which is his fault. I knew from day 1 what his stance was (OK day 2) and I agonized about it for a while and chose to continue.

 

But I am at a point where I need to be all in or end things. I want to be sure when I make that choice, I do it with all roads explored (even if only in my mind or on this board). As part of that process, when I saw this thread I jumped in. I wanted to share with the women here who are also struggling to think through the finality of the choice. It is not easy to do and it helps to have the thought process of others to share it with.

 

We have not committed to forever yet, but it is on the horizon. I want to be 100% certain in my choices and I am using all manner of tools to get there. He deserves that from me.

 

I absolutely love him for all of his choices and for all that he is as a man. It just so happens that all of that also inspires me as a woman in ways I have not experienced before. I don't hold him accountable for this, it is my issue to work through. I am not in any way trying to change his mind, his path, or his choices. I know that being with him, means accepting that the road to biological children is permanently closed for me. Until now, the choice was still there. It is heady to realize you are permanently choosing a path.

 

I think that is what Poe and Sunbird are facing as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

Until now, the choice was still there. It is heady to realize you are permanently choosing a path.

 

Hope your choices bring you long term happiness.

 

Is he aware of the degree to which this is troubling you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poe77]

What do you suggest men do to safeguard against that?

 

.

 

Well there is always you know not having sex since it was originally intended for procreation....im not saying there are not sneaky women out there but alot of guys just dont care and will also have unprotected sex and then complain when the end up on the other end of child support it takes two to tango after all...

Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[basil67]

Before you make any decisions, have you considered that at 38 your fertility window may already be closed? My window had closed by your age.

 

If I were you, I'd get some hormone tests done to make sure that you wouldn't be throwing away a relationship to chase something which will be difficult/impossible to achieve.