Any hope of reconciliation?

[jaQ3]

For 3.5 years I've been in a relationship with "Tom", an empath/HSP with severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder/possible Aspergers. He has daily routines that he gets very anxious deviating from. For the first two years of our relationship he refused to get help, though thankfully now he's seeing a therapist.

 

I'm generally a very happy, optimistic person but I am prone to short bouts of depression myself.

 

Admittedly for most of our relationship I was more unhappy than happy. I tried breaking up with him a couple times. Tom's jobs were always menial, but yet very very taxing on him. I feel like all we ever talked about was how much he hates his job, which wore me down. My friends even called him a "wet blanket" because he's a negative person who's life focus is on his issues. Any discomfort/bad luck he feels is due to outside forces--his job or the economy or whatever---yet he's paralyzed by indecision to make any kind of positive change.

 

About a month ago, I had it with the endless rut. I broke it off with him. That same day, he messaged his sisters hot friend and they've been seeing each other. He promptly moved in with his parents and never came back. The whole thing has me devastated! I actually want him back, but after some waffling on his part, he chose her. They have nothing in common but "movies and she's liberal like us"

 

The part that hurts the most is he told me he wants me to move on, and find someone who can make me happy! I told him he wasn't going to make anyone happy until he finds happiness himself first. He says he doesn't want to close the door on a possible reconciliation in the future, because "we're a near match" and "life is funny that way"

 

My mother says men tend to not deal with breakups until later. While I can't help but feel this is a rebound, it hurts that he's totally willing to just let me go.

 

How do I reconcile how miserable I was during our relationship with how hurt I am now?

[Toodaloo]

Just because you were miserable doesn't mean that you didn't have hopes and dreams nor that when you broke it off it was because you didn't care.

 

What you are going through is normal. Completely normal. We all go through it. Hell I am going through it now.

 

What helps me when I am feeling like that is to remember that its was the hope that I am missing and that its OK to feel that way. I remind myself I did the right thing and that now I am in a position to go and find someone else... That brings the hope back and makes me feel better again.

 

I strongly advise that you cut contact. Delete off of facebook and all that jazz because it does help you if you don't have it all in your face all the time.

[jaQ3]

I'm hurting bad today. Initiated no contact. I wonder if he'll ever try to come back if/when things don't work out with this new girl

[Kelley]

More than likely but do you want him crawling back after he tried with someone else? The hurt will fade, you are doing the right thing for you remember that.

 

I'm hurting bad today. Initiated no contact. I wonder if he'll ever try to come back if/when things don't work out with this new girl

[jaQ3]

I finally found a label for my love life: co-dependent. I'm a 32year old female going through a painful breakup of a 3.5 year relationship. 5 months before I started dating my ex, my fiancé of 6 years died. I've been in one long term relationship after another, mostly back to back, since high school.

 

I've now moved out of our shared house and back in with my parents. I feel totally and completely lost. I'm used to coming home from work to a significant other--my life feels so empty, like I'm half a person. How does one stop being co-dependent?

[jaQ3]

More than likely but do you want him crawling back after he tried with someone else? The hurt will fade, you are doing the right thing for you remember that.

 

If nothing else it'd be quite a salve to my bruised ego. But by then hopefully I'll have found someone

[jaQ3]

We were together for 3.5 years. He's a empath, "woe is me" type and he wore me down with his anxiety and constant hatred of his various jobs. I wore him down with my attempts to leave bc as a positive person, I couldn't take it anymore.

 

After I broke up with him about a month ago he immediately moved in with his parents and started talking to one if his sisters vapid but attractive friends. They have little in common and she's one if those "I don't have time for drama" but always seems to be in drama type. Totally healthy for empath ex, right?

 

I tried getting him back, and after some waffling, he told me that most of him wants me to move on, and while he's certainly open to reconciliation later and wants me in his life. I initiated no contact, despite him telling me how much he cares about me, needs me in his life, etc.

 

If/when his new thing crashes down, is it likely he might realize what he had? Everyone tells me men process breakups later, while women process them right away. He's lived with his parents and has been focused on this new girl since day 1.

[sooshi]

Learning to become more independent after being co-dependent for years takes a lot of practice, but it's also completely worthwhile! You will need to start focusing on you. Focusing on developing awareness of who you are and what you want, value, and need. Focusing on developing your self-worth and self-love. Learning to set healthy boundaries and enforcing them. Learning that it's okay to say "no." Learning to be assertive.

 

Look into the book "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie and other books on the subject. I've also seen many males recommend a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Although it's targeted to men, I'm sure it would be a valuable resource as well.

 

Therapy is an excellent way to truly connect with yourself, and to practice healthy boundaries. It's a great place to practice role-modeling of real-life situations, and how you can appropriately assert yourself.

 

I've found fellow forumer Zahara's posts to be very helpful for me. I encourage you to read some of her posts. There are many strong, assertive women on here.

 

I journal regularly, and find it helpful. I also daily write/verbalize positive affirmations in relation to myself.

 

Spend valuable time with yourself. Be gentle, kind, and compassionate with yourself. Nourish yourself. It's time.

[jaQ3]

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and within literally days he started talking to one of his sisters friends. I broke up with him bc we were in a cycle of him being overly negative/pessimistic/anxious and me not being able to mentally handle his weight on top of my own stress. For years.

 

Despite seeing this new girl, he's gone against her wishes and added me back on facebook, ugly cried to me about how bad he felt about how it all went down, but how much he wants me in his life. I'm "his best friend", etc etc

 

I'm so hurt by his betrayal I initially agreed to remain friends but after he told me to move on and find someone who can make me happy, I went NC.

 

Aside from my own healing, how does NC effect the ex in this situation, typically? Has your ex ever done NC and did it make it harder on you?

[ExpatInItaly]

If they've already moved on, it doesn't really affect them.

 

If not, then they will feel sad for the absence of their former partner. In time, they might realize it's for the best. Or, they might realize they lost something very valuable and want to try again.

 

Are you doing No Contact for you, or in the hopes that he will come back to you?

[Redhead14]

I finally found a label for my love life: co-dependent. I'm a 32year old female going through a painful breakup of a 3.5 year relationship. 5 months before I started dating my ex, my fiancé of 6 years died. I've been in one long term relationship after another, mostly back to back, since high school.

 

I've now moved out of our shared house and back in with my parents. I feel totally and completely lost. I'm used to coming home from work to a significant other--my life feels so empty, like I'm half a person. How does one stop being co-dependent?

 

You learn to stop being co-dependent by learning to be independent for a significant period of time -- and not 5 months. More like a year or better. Get out of your parents home and on your own two feet as soon as possible. Don't date for the purpose of having a relationship if at all. It's extremely important to find things you can be passionate about and enjoy doing for yourself -- hobbies, activities, etc. Go out and do things you've always wanted to do but didn't/couldn't for whatever reason.

 

Don't start looking for another partner. I promise you that you didn't grieve the death of your fiance properly or give yourself enough time. 5 months in between that and getting into another relationship was simply not enough. I don't care that that one lasted 3.5 years. Now, what you have done is compounded your grief/baggage.

 

I can tell you that 5 months to grieve the loss of a fiance is not enough from experience . . . I lost my fiance 3 months before the wedding. I stayed single for a year and a half. Before him, I was married for 30 years. I took some time for myself to get established and on my own two feet. I stayed single after the divorce for 3+ years. I currently have an SO for going on 2+ years. We do not live together nor do we plan to. We are an older couple -- I am 57 and he is 63. I love my independence and my SO. I have found a balance for myself and a partner who compliments and adds to the happiness I already have for myself. I don't need a man in my life to be happy. But, I happen to have one that enhances all that.

 

Take some time for yourself. Focus on YOU. Be active, be proactive. If you are doing any negative self-talk, stop it right now. Be open-minded and keep a positive attitude.

[BluesPower]

Yes this is a big deal...

 

I had been this way my whole life and for some reason I just woke up.

 

I still struggle a lot but it is so much better. For me I just came down to me being in charge of my happiness. It kind of sounds selfish in a lot of ways, and my kids hated it, but I am so much better off.

 

Why did the last relationship break up? What were the issues?

[jaQ3]

Yes this is a big deal...

 

I had been this way my whole life and for some reason I just woke up.

 

I still struggle a lot but it is so much better. For me I just came down to me being in charge of my happiness. It kind of sounds selfish in a lot of ways, and my kids hated it, but I am so much better off.

 

Why did the last relationship break up? What were the issues?

 

He's extremely negative and his life's focus is on his problems/the past. It wore me down, and I tried leaving a couple times bc it was breaking down my own mental state.

[Lion Heart]

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and within literally days he started talking to one of his sisters friends. I broke up with him bc we were in a cycle of him being overly negative/pessimistic/anxious and me not being able to mentally handle his weight on top of my own stress. For years.

 

Despite seeing this new girl, he's gone against her wishes and added me back on facebook, ugly cried to me about how bad he felt about how it all went down, but how much he wants me in his life. I'm "his best friend", etc etc

 

I'm so hurt by his betrayal I initially agreed to remain friends but after he told me to move on and find someone who can make me happy, I went NC.

 

Aside from my own healing, how does NC effect the ex in this situation, typically? Has your ex ever done NC and did it make it harder on you?

 

I'll be honest, I haven't had an ex go NC - I'm a woman.

I don't know if it's a man "ownership" thing but they don't let go.

 

I've always tried to put NC in place. But they've always seemed to track me down over decades and asking friends to respect my wishes NOT to pass on numbers or addresses didn't work for the longest time. In the end it's just stalking IMHO. Assisted stalking.

 

Creepy.

 

JaQ3 you have to let him go ANYWAY.

He's too negative.

Commandeers all conversations.

Moved on from you the SAME day.

The relationship made you more UNHAPPY than happy remember?

 

HEALTHY relationships are NOT like this.

I'm sorry for your loss re: fiancée btw.

 

So my advice IS to maintain NC.

HE will keep you hanging on as long as YOU keep hanging around and waiting.

It's called keeping you on the back burner.

A comfort blanket in case this new gf fizzles out.

 

I had a bf that broke up with me AFTER he'd returned from a 3 month trip and we'd stayed "together" all through that.

He brought me presents from all over the world then dumped me the very next day.

I was so sad and in disbelief tbh.

His reasoning? I SAW there was more to the world than just you.

 

Right lol. Ya think?

 

So I moved on REAL FAST!!! I WAS OUTTA THERE faster than lightning. And he kept coming back...for years lol.

 

JaQ3 when someone SHOWS you who they ARE then TAKE NOTE!

 

YOU WON'T want your exbf back ANYWAY after he's been banging his gf from the moment you broke up with him.

 

The issues you had with him PLUS THIS?

NO.

You'd be done by then!

 

So find someone with a HAPPY disposition like you AFTER you heal some.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[jaQ3]

He cried to me on the phone about two weeks ago...about how he always wants me in his life, I'm his best friend, if I ever need anything with my car he wants to help, etc etc...

 

Up until 3 days ago I agreed and promised to stay friends. Since then though i realized he's hurt me in ways I don't know that I can get over. I went NC for my own sanity.

 

I wonder if me cutting myself out of his life will make him feel any regret. Or sadness.

[jaQ3]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up recently and he's in (what I think) is a rebound relationship that started the same weekend we broke up. For weeks he waffled between taking me back and this new girl and ultimately chose her over fixing our relationship.

 

He's an empath and told me he regrets how everything went down and how much he's hurt me, but "most of him" wants me to move on and find someone that can make me happy.

 

Up until last Wednesday I was the blubbering "we can make it work" ex. He's always been adamant(and upset when talking of no contact) about us staying in each other's lives, I'm his best friend etc. well I decided I DON'T want to be friends with him right now so I told him not to contact me unless it's about the move.

 

I think the NC will bother him, but has NC ever drove your ex crazy? To the point of them regretting the whole thing? I don't necessarily want him back, I'm just curious how NC affects the dumper in y'all's experience.

[Kelley]

To be honest NC is for you to heal and move on. Who knows, who cares how the dumper takes it, they have or are moving on most of the time anyway! Just concentrate on you now and move on.

[cucumber95]

Like someone said above, NC is for you to move on, but also by doing it you can see if they still care about you, or think about you. and remember to do NC proper way.

[JewelD]

I think it confuses them but does not ultimately change their feelings about you.

 

My ex seemed to get a little frustrated once he realized I wasn't going to ever respond to his messages but that's all it was. Frustration. Like a child not getting a toy from the store. They might stamp their feet but they eventually move on.

 

But once you start talking to them, you'll be right back where you started. Once they see you are now available to them, you automatically become less attractive and less interesting to them. They've caught you, so to speak, so now they have to move on to a new challenge.

 

Fwiw, this guy was probably messing around with this girl before you broke up. Best to cut him out of your life entirely and leave it that way.

[Satu]

If you choose to do NC, understand that its something you do just for yourself.

 

It isn't something you have to do, but many people have benefited from it.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[jaQ3]

I know it's for myself.

 

I'm looking for how the other side feels from it. (Yes, it matters to me, yes I'm moving on)

[Blanco]

If you're really moving on then it doesn't matter how the other side feels about it.

[jaQ3]

Can someone actually provide me with their experience on this?

[Blanco]

Sure, I will.

 

I had an ex go NC on me. I didn't really care and life went on.

[JewelD]

Sure, I will.

 

I had an ex go NC on me. I didn't really care and life went on.

 

Yeah, this is basically how it goes. Unless the guy is a stalker or something.

 

And given your situation, OP, it's highly unlikely he's going to regret everything or feel guilty. You made it pretty easy on him. You gave him ample time to choose between you and this other girl. Now that he's got someone filling that role in his life, I sincerely doubt he's going to be significantly bothered by you not talking to him.