Author jaQ3 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) Here's the thing-- whenever we talked and I mentioned never wanting to see him again he got really hurt and asked if I really mean that. He started bawling to me because of how bad he felt, how hard this is. We've had multiple conversations where he said he needs me in his life. We were together for 3.5 years and just hit a wall--his never ending job rut and negativity and my inability to handle it is what caused our breakup. When he unfriended me on facebook, per new girl's request, I told him how much it hurt me and he added me back. She pitched a fit a couple days later and he unfriended me again, this time with a "it's nothing personal I'm just trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy" message. I told him if he ever wants to leave the door open for reconcile later on, I would remember this. He added me back again and set his friends list to private so she couldn't see we are friends again. So i have a feeling it's not quite as "cut and dry". Up until Wednesday I was still in his life. Since then, I've gone NC, removed him from fb, etc. So I wonder how much it will affect him. I think some. Because I don't think he expected this from me at all, especially how I begged to stay friends for most of our breakup Edited October 31, 2016 by jaQ3 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelley Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I'm sure he will feel something, you don't just stop caring overnight. The thing is you need to concentrate on how you feel about things. He has a new girlfriend now, she is his priority. You need to accept it's done, friends will be difficult and potentially stop your healing. You have to let go eventually, it's not a competition who will hurt the most. Accept and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) He dumped you and is currently humping another girl. Why on earth do you care if it hurts his feelings if you stop talking to him? Of course he still wants you in his life..how awesome does it feel to have an exciting new relationship but to ALSO have your ex desperately pining away for you? Why on earth would he give that up without a fight?? You need to stop talking to this guy..it's only going to keep hurting you. Edited October 31, 2016 by ChickiePops 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Your concerns for his feelings are classic codependency. You made the healthy choice to break up with him. That was the right decision. You cannot carry someone else's mental issues on your back. I know, I have tried and it does not work. Now, because he cries on the phone with you, your codependency kicks in and you are more concerned with his feelings that yours. This is what you have to stop doing with every relationship. You have to develop healthy boundaries and a healthy level of caring for all your relationships. You knew you could not take it any more, his issues, so you broke up. Done deal. You can almost never be friends with a former lover. Sure it happens sometimes but almost never. You need to focus on the healthy decisions that you have made and stick with that. Going NC with him will allow YOU to heal from the breakup, and that is what you need to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I read your other posts. This seems to be less about him and more about your inability to be single and not have it seem like your world is crashing down around you. You went through a traumatic experience with your fiance dying. Even if it was something you were expecting, I doubt you were really in a position emotionally to start a new serious relationship as quickly as you did. No relationship is perfect, but you referenced how you tried to end things with this man repeatedly because his cynical world view wore you down. I understand that the relationship likely had good points, but this sounds like it was far from an ideal relationship for you; a Mr. Right Now, instead of a Mr. Right situation, if you will. That it lasted as long as it did doesn't mean it was a quality relationship. People overstay their welcome in relationships all the time. It's time to be single. It's time to become comfortable with your own company and not depend on a man to fill the perceived void. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Yeah. I'm just a little revenge-minded. I want him to suffer. LOL. But yes, I am reading self-help books on co-dependency as we speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 So i have a feeling it's not quite as "cut and dry". Up until Wednesday I was still in his life. Since then, I've gone NC, removed him from fb, etc. So I wonder how much it will affect him. I think some. Because I don't think he expected this from me at all, especially how I begged to stay friends for most of our breakup Real No Contact isn't a game to incite a reaction from someone. It's natural to wonder how the other person is going to feel/react to the situation, but that cannot be your primary driver for No Contact. Right now, all you're doing is waiting for him to make a move and No Contact is merely the device you're using to force one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Yeah. I'm just a little revenge-minded. I want him to suffer. LOL. But yes, I am reading self-help books on co-dependency as we speak. But why? You broke up with him. And you were right to do so. The relationship was toxic for you. That doesn't mean he should be sentenced to a life of misery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Yeah. I'm just a little revenge-minded. I want him to suffer. LOL. But yes, I am reading self-help books on co-dependency as we speak. The only person who's hurting from this continuous contact is you. He's benefiting from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 But why? You broke up with him. And you were right to do so. The relationship was toxic for you. That doesn't mean he should be sentenced to a life of misery. I broke up with him, but we got back together and (I thought) were working through things when he decided he wanted to start seeing a friend of his sisters instead of working though what we needed to work through. I don't think he expected me to fall apart the way I did. Neither did I. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 The only person who's hurting from this continuous contact is you. He's benefiting from it. That's why I discontinued all contact. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I broke up with him, but we got back together and (I thought) were working through things when he decided he wanted to start seeing a friend of his sisters instead of working though what we needed to work through. I don't think he expected me to fall apart the way I did. Neither did I. Well, lesson learned. Don't break up with someone unless you are truly ready to never be with them again. I speak from experience. Breaking up with someone shouldn't be used as an attempt to give them a wake-up call. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Well, lesson learned. Don't break up with someone unless you are truly ready to never be with them again. I speak from experience. Breaking up with someone shouldn't be used as an attempt to give them a wake-up call. It wasn't an attempt to give him a wakeup call. I was for a long time done with his sh*t. Him giving up and seeing someone else sure did change my feelings though. That's what I'm trying to reconcile with myself Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 That's just your ego. Big picture, you don't want him back as he truly is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity_84 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 FWIW I think you made the right decision by breaking up with him. He was toxic and not really complimenting your life in a positive way. Now, you've gone NC and wondering how he feels about it. For your own sake, asume he feels absolutely nothing at all. Asume he doesn't give a s***. Asume he is not phased by it at all. Just do that, and you'll find it a lot easier to pull through and move on. As per the co-dependency stuff, I can relate to that, and we are the same age, so I suggest you try talking to a professional about it. Get your life together, start practicing hobbies that fulfill you, start making yourself happy first. It's really tough, but it's the only thing you can do. Mourn the loss of your former partner, that's necessary as well. He's moved on now, whether she's a rebound and their relationship will crash and burn no one really knows. It might not, they might actually be pretty good together, so what are you going to do? Wait for him even knowing this is a possibility? We don't necessarily have to be with someone else to feel happy. Learn that, believe that, and maybe eventually you'll attract someone with a similar mindset. Which is probably the healthiest thing, if you want a solid relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 I miss him so much. This is excruciating. I know he said he wouldn't ever close the door on the possibility of us reconciling in the future, "because we're a near match and life is funny like that" this all sucks so much, I just wonder if there's any hope Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 You only want him because you can't have him. It's a natural feeling but don't mistaken it for a genuine want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I'll reiterate that you really need to stay single for a while. I get the vibe from you that you feel uncomfortable if you're not in a relationship, hence why you were with someone for almost four years where you were, by your own admission, unhappy more than you were happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LillySail Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I lost my husband after being together for 20 years. He was 40 when he passed away. I spent 2 years alone. Then, I dated a guy who I thought was a safe choice. Ended up being the worst relationship ever. He was constantly negative, complaining about his job, everyone was out to get him ect. 2 months in I knew this was not going to be long term. 5 months or so in, he basically ghosted me. Too busy to see me but kept calling. Then the calling stopped. He was already in another relationship when he left I later found out. That one ended and he ran and found another girl. My point is, at 2 months in, I recognized this was not going to work but I stayed, why would I stay in a relationship I knew was unhealthy? Every piece of my inner being wanted to dump this guy but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had huge co-dependency issues. Even though I spent 2 years "alone" after the death of my husband, I wanted/needed a partner. I spent that time wishing for a partner instead of learning how to be on my own and create my own happiness. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because it was better than being alone, or so I thought. When he left, I was crushed. I was depressed, hurt, angry, you name it, I felt it. Even though I wanted out of this unhealthy relationship for months, when he finally pulled the plug, I was left devasted. Again, staying with someone who was no good for me, was better than being alone. I know differently now. I went total NC and he is blocked from every avenue. I have officially been single for roughly 5 months. I am happy, I am free to do what I want when I want and how I want. I love life, I will remain single for a long time yet just to continue working on me because it does take more than 5 months to learn how to be independent and break that co-dependent cycle. Trust me when I say, you do not want to be in a relationship with an individual like this. Please take the time to work on yourself and learn how to be independent and how to create your own happiness. It really is one of the best feelings in the world. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I am giving up here because I am just going through liking all of Blanco's posts... Listen to Blanco. You need to be on your own for a bit and become your own person. Not for anyone else but for yourself. Then you would not be worried about or going chasing after idiots like this one... Think about it... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 My boyfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up recently. -We lived together until September -We broke up because he has severe anxiety that was untreated for most of our relationship, along with how badly his job situation affected his anxiety, self esteem and the general health of our relationship; my own mental health suffered. -I tried breaking up with him a couple times out of frustration of the rut and said some hurtful things like "I don't want to hang out with you anymore" and "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" -Last time I broke up with him, he immediately (as in, same weekend) started talking with one of his sisters friends who he is now dating. Neither of is expected the breakup to be so painful, especially on my end. I begged him to come back, and after some waffling, said he thinks he wants to be with her, though he wouldn't close the door on a reconciliation later if our personal circumstances change...and that if we get back togehter now, nothing would change. He's broken down to me many times saying how much he needs me in his life, I'm his best friend, he loves me, etc. I was begging him to come back, we can work things out, etc..he said he doesn't think we can fix this right now and he's not sure he can make me happy. I told him he won't be able to make anybody happy until he learns how to be happy on his own and not let everything drag him down. I did an about face and went non contact until this morning. He called me, and said he was worried about me and noticed I Unfriended him on social media. He said he loves me and that moving his stuff out of our house this past weekend was excruciating. He kept however, talking about why we broke up. I told him I don't know if I ever want to see him again, and he got really upset, saying he understands but doesn't want that at all. If he ever gets his job situation togehter/learns how to better separate his job dissatisfaction from his entire life, I would consider trying again. I just don't know if he'll ever come back...he's still seeing this girl he started dating literally the weekend we broke up. What do you all think? Is this insurmountable? How can he build any kind of healthy relationship with this girl while he's never gotten over me? Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Why do you keep making new threads about the same guy? I thought you discontinued all contact? He has obviously gotten over you since he chose her. He might be a lil nostalgic but if it was really killing him, he'd dump her and take you back. You weren't even happy when yall were together. You dumped him. Now you want him because your ego took a hit. Move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 Because I'm not over him, and he isn't over me either. Just because he's seeing someone elss doesn't mean he's over me and i know him better than anybody. The whole reason we broke up is because of the problems we had, and he realizes that getting back together wouldn't be healthy for either of us at this point in time. i started this thread because I wanted to see it through the lense of second chances. Thanks for your opinion, noted. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 The advice is not going to change. It's been a month. It's going to take time to actually heal, but it won't happen if you don't allow yourself to heal. Reality is, you don't know how to be single. You've spent much of the last 10 years partnered up, and so being single feels uncomfortable. Unnatural. It feels wrong. But you weren't happy, by your own admission. No one is happy all the time in a relationship, but when the bad times outweigh the good, you have to ask if it's the person or the concept of a relationship you're attached to. For you, I think it's clearly the latter. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaQ3 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 again, I hear what you're telling me. Thanks for your opinion. At this time I'm looking for other people's experiences that might be similar to mine in regards to reconnecting with a lost love. Link to post Share on other sites
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