He keeps texting her and lying to me

[chrome0]

Hello lovers! I have a problem with my boyfriend and I was hoping to get some perspective from strangers who are not biased when it comes to my situation.

 

I am a woman in my late 20's . I've been with my boyfriend (a year younger than me) for 2 years now. We were friends before we got together. He tells me this is his first real relationship. He recently started professional school. Leading up to this, we knew it would be a challenge, but I believed we would get through it. I work in the same profession and know many couples who have gone through it together just fine. I also go to college, but I work too. So we are both pretty busy, but we get together at his place once a week. This seems to be enough for both of us, and we're okay with it.

 

He started making new friends right away, which I totally supported. Previously he was somewhat of a loner and his only friends were our mutual friends. One day I noticed a female name pop up onto his phone but I didn't think anything of it. I don't mind if he has female friends, obviously I don't want to be a crazy jealous person.

 

He quickly became very attached to his phone. I would ask who he is texting, and he would always say it's a group text with his study group. I understood but considering we only saw each other once a week, I thought it was a bit much to be constantly texting other people. I asked him to not be so attached to the phone while we were together, but he never really stopped texting. Often he had a silly grin while texting and I began to wonder who he was really texting. I started trying to glimpse who he was texting and it was usually the same girl from before. At that point my radar went up because he was lying about who he was texting, and was so intent on continuing to text, despite me asking him to lay off while we had our quality time together.

 

Then one night the girl called him. I was waiting just in the other room so we could watch a movie together (there isn't much to do in his student bachelor pad). He continued to talk to her for about twenty minutes, not really talking about school. Honestly it sounded like he liked her, just in the way he talked to her. At the end of the conversation, I'm assuming she asked what he was doing, he lied and said "nothing, just studying at home." I pretty much freaked out at that point, I was so hurt that he didn't acknowledge that I was there, to another girl! I demanded to see their texts to each other and he actually let me read them. They were innocent enough, despite him sending baby pictures to her, and her sending him selfies and pictures of her nails...which I thought was a bit unnecessary. Real getting-to-know you stuff. And the volume itself of the texts was ridiculous. They were constantly texting each other, all day through the night. I only saw a few texts he wouldn't let me see much of them. He maintained that they are just friends from school and that she lives with her boyfriend. This didn't comfort me much, considering the attention I was getting from him had drastically reduced since he started school. The replies I got from him were sparse, sometimes he wouldn't return my calls. But somehow he found time to text this girl all the time? Oh and they had Facetimed together too, to "help her with schoolwork," he said. Despite the fact they constantly see each other at school and in class?

 

After that I told him that I was uncomfortable with this friendship, and he needs to put up boundaries with this girl. I felt like he has a crush on her, or just something isn't right. He agreed and I tried to move on. Next time I saw him, sure enough he kept texting. I got a chance to see who it was he was texting and again the girl!! I had had enough. I declared we were going on a break and that I needed to think things over. We didn't talk for about a week, at the end I broke down and called him because I missed him and I guess convinced myself I was being too hard on him.

 

We spent the night together last night, and it was good. I felt like I could move on from this. He wasn't on his phone too much, just a text here and there. He made a point to say he was texting his guy friend. Then later around 10:30p, again I glanced at his phone to see who he was texting (I know I am so curious), and guess who? The girl. Again. And he denied it! He said it was the guy when I clearly saw her name!!

 

I played it cool this morning when we said goodbye, but when I came home I found myself crying again. I feel so confused about this situation. I love him and I wanted us to work out. He is my best friend and up until he went off to school we had a good relationship. There are some issues, one being his mom doesn't like me and I've never met his father. I have met other members of his family. His parents are very traditional and I guess wouldn't support our relationship, perhaps because I'm a different race? Also he is a mama's boy which annoys me a lot. He is a bit immature for his age. I feel like I have a lot more life experience than him, having been through a few relationships and big life events. But I have seen him grow in the last two years and was looking forward to us growing together. But now I feel the trust is gone. I'm driving myself crazy with this situation. I feel like he doesn't really care about my feelings, otherwise why would he keep doing this to me? Lying and disrespecting me...

 

What do you guys think? Should I leave him or am I overreacting?

 

Considering this is his first "real relationship" maybe he just wants to see what else is out there? I would understand if he were more honest about it. He could be lying because he's afraid of me freaking out, but the lying is making it so much worse. I have been cheated on before and it was terrible. It took me a long time to finally get into another relationship and trust someone, and fall in love again. I really thought I had finally landed a nice guy I could settle down with.

 

Thanks for reading my post, I could really use some help here.

[JewelD]

There's no excuses for his behavior. And he's bold enough to have a conversation with a girl while you are waiting on him? Absolutely unacceptable. Dump him now or you will regret it later.

 

My ex did something very similar to me and it turned out he was talking to several different women and meeting up with them for dates. Your boyfriend is probably going to continue talking to this girl or other girls, especially if you forgive him so easily. He's going to see that as a free pass to continue doing it because you don't have the guts to call him out and be firm.

 

Dump him. You deserve better.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I completely agree with JewelD. As hard as it may feel, I think you should dump him.

 

The fact he ignored you to take a long phone call with this other girl while conveniently hiding the fact that he was there with you is a huge red flag. She probably doesn't even know about you. Why do you think he would hide something like that from her? I can't think of an innocent explanation, not with the amount of communicating they have been doing.

 

Frankly, it sounds like she is getting more of his time and attention now which shows he is more interested in her. I'm sorry to be blunt but you deserve some warning about your boyfriend's behavior which is highly suspicious.

 

You deserve a guy that is trustworthy and loyal to you. I don't think your current boyfriend fits that criteria.

[chrome0]

Thanks ladies for your input. I was hoping to get some male perspective on my situation too...

 

This has been an ongoing thing and honestly I'm tired of dealing with it and making excuses. I believe in my heart that although I love him, he's probably not ready for the level of commitment that I want. I'm ready to settle down and buy a house, meanwhile he can't see past his next exams.

 

I was very sad and upset yesterday. Right now I'm feeling at peace about the whole thing. I'm kinda looking forward to dating. Hopefully we can stay friends, but for now I'm just going to have to do my own thing.

 

PSA: I just want to say that I believe men and women are certainly able to have platonic relationships. I have a few male friends, but I don't go past certain boundaries, such as texting 24/7, or doing a lot of hanging out 1-on-1. That would lead them on. I think anyone could get the wrong idea that way. Participating and continuing with that pattern is busting boundaries that can be hard to recover from. You have to establish boundaries right away and not cross them. It's not hard to do...unless you're interested in the other person. In that case you should be honest with yourself AND your partner! Life is too short!

 

Peace everyone!

[l8estnews]

Thanks ladies for your input. I was hoping to get some male perspective on my situation too...

 

This has been an ongoing thing and honestly I'm tired of dealing with it and making excuses. I believe in my heart that although I love him, he's probably not ready for the level of commitment that I want. I'm ready to settle down and buy a house, meanwhile he can't see past his next exams.

 

I was very sad and upset yesterday. Right now I'm feeling at peace about the whole thing. I'm kinda looking forward to dating. Hopefully we can stay friends, but for now I'm just going to have to do my own thing.

 

PSA: I just want to say that I believe men and women are certainly able to have platonic relationships. I have a few male friends, but I don't go past certain boundaries, such as texting 24/7, or doing a lot of hanging out 1-on-1. That would lead them on. I think anyone could get the wrong idea that way. Participating and continuing with that pattern is busting boundaries that can be hard to recover from. You have to establish boundaries right away and not cross them. It's not hard to do...unless you're interested in the other person. In that case you should be honest with yourself AND your partner! Life is too short!

 

Peace everyone!

 

I have a LOT of guy friends, and he's behavior screams he is into this girl. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the balls to end it with you so he is keeping you without realizing he is also hurting you. Dump him, and date other people too

[VeveCakes]

He is full of it.

 

Him lying to her about "doing nothing" is your biggest sign.

 

Kick him to the curb, he can enjoy feeding this girl attention while she stays with her bf....it will get old quick for him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Stop making excuses for him. His behavior has nothing to do with being inexperienced regarding relationshipa and everything to do with him not respecting you or your relationship.

 

Now it's up to you to decide if that's good enough.

 

Good luck.

[smackie9]

OP I hope you end this relationship. Despite the strong interaction with this other girl, there are other things that are not making this work: you both only see each other once a week, you don't get to go out and actually do anything, you find him immature, he lacks relationship experience, etc.

 

His behavior speaks volumes> he has no boundaries, he sees this girl all the time so I can see why he is getting attached to her, he's too immature to admit what he is doing is wrong, he's young and has different priorities.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for.

[JewelD]

Why on Earth would you want to be friends with someone who would treat you like that??

 

The problem isn't him not being ready to settle down, it's that he doesn't want to do it with you. And he doesn't respect you.

[sandylee1]

Time to end it. The fact that it was you who broke contact shows he really wasn't that fussed and probably enjoyed the opportunity to text and call her without you being around.

[aileD]

End it.

 

If youre his first real relationship he's probably going to be extra vulnerable to the attention and allure of other girls.

 

Oh and he's a liar

 

Bye Felicia

[Space Ritual]

You want male advice?

 

Here is the best advice you can get from a guy.

 

If you shed 1 single tear over a guy like this, then that in and of itself is the best argument you have to dump him.

 

There is nothing to mull over. This guy lies like a rug. Get rid of him or you'll regret it.

[chrome0]

Thanks everyone for your responses. We broke up a few days ago and neither of us has contacted each other, just an unspoken understanding. It hurts a lot...but having such a unanimous opinion from everyone in my life (and this thread) that he is in fact a jerk is helping me through it. I have stayed in a relationship well (well) past its expiration date before and I don't want that to happen again. I tend to forgive them so easily...blinded by love I guess.

[Kelley]

You did the right thing, my ex had a 'friend' that he insisted was just a 'friend'. Texting all the time, long phone calls. Then I found out he had cheated on me with her, and then went to have a relationship with her. Men don't disrespect women they love, they don't have another woman causing problems in their relationship. You dodged a bullet.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. We broke up a few days ago and neither of us has contacted each other, just an unspoken understanding. It hurts a lot...but having such a unanimous opinion from everyone in my life (and this thread) that he is in fact a jerk is helping me through it. I have stayed in a relationship well (well) past its expiration date before and I don't want that to happen again. I tend to forgive them so easily...blinded by love I guess.